The Chaser Report - A Royal Arrest

Episode Date: February 20, 2026

Former-prince Andrew has been accused of one of the most vile of crimes against the crown — improper email etiquette — and has become the first royal to be arrested since 1637. So in the spirit of free press, Dom and Charles decreed that their special emergency episode should be available to all common folk as well as the rich elites. ---Listen AD FREE: https://thechaserreport.supercast.com/ Follow us on Instagram: @chaserwarSpam Dom's socials: @dom_knightSend Charles voicemails: @charlesfirthEmail us: [e-mail] CEO’s Super-yacht upgrade Fund: https://chaser.com.au/support/ Send complaints to: [e-mail] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gatigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report and Dom, on this very, very big and newsworthy day, we've decided that this special edition, which would normally be paywalled and subscriber only, should go out to everyone, to the people who deserve to hear the big news. The news, of course, of Prince Andrews, the former Prince Andrews, now, Mr Andrew Mountbatten Windsor,

his arrest overnight, his interrogation, the mug shot, the DNA swab, all that stuff. We'll get into all that work out what it means for the monarchy.

But Charles, I must say you're setting the wrong tone, really, by not keeping this for the elite. Oh, we should have given it for the elite.

That would be the royal thing to do. You can't just take a privilege of listening to our thoughts and just share them with everybody for free. Are you sure

you want to release this to the general public? What would the royals do? Well, they wouldn't do a podcast because they don't, they're not talented enough. Never complain, never explain, that's the policy. Actually, I think Harry and Megan did a podcast. I think the reason the rest of the Royals don't do a podcast is because they heard Harry and Megan. So that could be, that could have been it for a Royal podcast.

I would have loved that. It's a Royal podcast in the tradition of it's a Royal Knockout. That would have been fantastic. That would have been good. Well, Charles, I mean, look, the door's right there. The door's wide open for a true crime podcast about A, Mountbatten, Windsor. I wonder if Ferg would be up for hosting that.

Anyway, our thoughts, for free, you'd like your things after this. Normally you'd have to pay for the Friday slash weekend episode, but hey, I guess we're giving it away now. You said we will. Yeah, we're just giving it away. There is only one news story on the front page of smh.com.com.a u.

On news.com.com. at the Australian, presumably if we looked at the Australian, it would have something to do with how awful elbow is. But everywhere else, it is Mr Andrew Mountbatten, Windsor, who's had his fingers printed, he's had a DNA swab taken, interrogated for more than 12 hours, happy 66th birthday, Andy. Yes, it's a wonderful thing to see consequences happening. And look, I think it really does show the thoroughness of, well, UK investigators, I presume the police force, whatever their equivalent of the Justice Department is.

Yes, I mean, to actually, yeah. That's one point to get into which we should mention, yeah. This was done independently of the king. So very unlike the American system where you only prosecute people who the president doesn't like. Apparently in the UK, they have an independent system for deciding who they're. criminals are. Yes, and so what has happened is they've trawled through all these documents. They've clearly gone, this is absolutely disgusting, this is obscene. This sort of behaviour just cannot stand. We cannot let Andrew get away with this. And they've arrested him on the

really most disgusting part of the whole files, which is that Prince Andrew forwarded documents related to the trade envoy that he was running, to Geoffrey Epstein, which I think you'll agree, Dom, is by far the most disgusting aspect of all the files. I think that's why the family of the late Virginia Jafray was out saying how delighted they were at the news. I mean, that part of it is shocking. To be less sarcastic, Charles, I am shocked that potentially part... I mean, we don't know at the time of recording exactly what the details are of what they're investigating because there are so many possibilities as to what they may have been investigating.

But then... Well, but that's what they told... That's what it was about. It was about offences against public office. It was like the charge was something like improper use of public office. Yes, and this is the thing that I find enormously fascinating is that if this is true, this means that somebody at some point trusted the then-Prince Andrew with valuable information, which I must say when I hear Andrews been travelling around the world being a trade envoy,

which we all knew for many years. I didn't think they were giving him any of the good stuff. I thought he was there to do a handshake and go drink, go and have drinks with whoever it was. I thought that was all of his job. But I think also what was also interesting to me is that in the Epstein files, like he passes all these documents on to Geoffrey Epstein, literally minutes after he receives them himself, right?

So he's done that classic thing. I'm sure we've all done from time to time is you receive a boring document about some trade deal. that you just negotiated. Really, you're just not wanting to even open up the attachment, but you just forward it to the person who wants it. Yeah, just forward it on. Yeah, that's right.

Yeah, that's right. No, Charles, you're quite right. I should just clarify, because I do have the information. It is relating to his time as a trade envoy, as you say. And the allegation is misconduct in public office. And again, Charles, really shocking to have a member of the royal family having public office of any kind, being trusted with public office, representing Britain in trade deals.

I mean, what kind of message does it seem? But, Dom, you can realize, but the royal family is a public office. Like, that's the funny thing about this. They are the sort of, they're sort of the equivalent of, they're the crown, right? Like, you commit an offence against the crown. Prince Andrews is part of the crown, right? Like, he was literally, he was, and it's why. Like, this just doesn't happen.

Like, it's sort of a little bit of a mindbreak, I think, to the British constitutional. Yes, that's true. And it's the reason why it's 1637 the last time a royal got arrested. And then he was arrested and beheaded. But that was Charles I first. And enormous restraint by the police not to behead Andrew within moments of the arrest. That's not how things... It's not the tradition.

I mean, they need to decide Charles whether they're going to have a traditional monarchy or not. Because if you really care about tradition, the near instant... You locked them up in the tower for a bit and make them sweat and implicate others. but then you behead them with an axe or a sword in a public square. And how do we need a heggis? That's what it should be. There should be a heggis. Where are we?

Where are we drawing the line? I mean, they want to have all the pomp and circumstances and the dudes with the giant fluffy black things on their head, the giant pipe cleaners, but they don't want to have the beheadings. I mean, I don't understand what kind of monarchy Britain wants.

But the other thing that happened in 1637, I mean, there's a couple of things. It's a very notable year. Because the other thing that happened is then England, I think for quite a while, like literally several years became a republic. Oliver Cromwell. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oliver Cromwell years, which was apparently a terrible time. Because he was a Catholic, wasn't he? I don't recall. But probably. Or was it before that?

Oh, no, do you think to James the first and all that? Um, I've, yeah, I'm not sure about Oliver Cromwell. That was, that was after all. Anyway, point is, he became, he was a very acetic. Oliver Cromwell was a really acetic person who was himself just a sort of, he was like a Kevin Rudd figure. Yeah, Cromwell was a Puritan, actually, specifically. So he was a bit like Kevin Rudd, except that Oliver Cromwell wouldn't have gone to scores with someone from Rupert Murdoch's operation. And actually, Oliver Cromwell wouldn't have been mentioned in the Epstein files, unlike Rudd. That's entirely possible too. So it is, yeah, you're absolutely right. And this is part of the thing is that all prosecutions are conducted in the name of the

It's the Crown. It's the Crown Prosecutor's Office. And this is the bizarre thing. Even in Australia, that's what it is. It's RV whatever, Rex or Regina, the legal persona of the monarch. And this is the monarch's kid brother and the previous monarch's favourite son. How can the Crown? I mean, his lawyers surely will argue that at the time he had Crown immunity, won't they? Surely.

I mean, well, there's so many, this is why it's such a bizarre circumstance and why it's so bizarre that they didn't tip off the King. because surely if they tipped off the king, then the king would have dealt with it like he dealt with the whole problem that he had around Diana and just sent Andrew on a nice sightseeing to Paris's tunnels. Like there are other ways to deal with family troubles when you're King Charles.

You can also exile them to France, as they did with the Duke of Windsor. You know, what was he king of the eighth? The guy who stepped down. I mean, that happened with Diana. She went to France, never came back. It's true. And putting him in the middle of Norfolk, which is apparently extremely boring.

I mean, that seemed like punishment enough. But no, he's been behind bars. It's quite extraordinary. It brings me back to, you know, Charles, anything like this happens. It brings you back to my own 45 minutes behind bars in the service of the Chaser for seeing. Is this podcast now going to turn into a prison story? I just think I've never been able to relate to Prince Andrew before. you know, disappointing

son, sure. But yeah, the two and I, were jailbirds, right? You haven't done time, Charles. You haven't done time on the inside and heard the door clang shut behind you. Do you think that there's a possibility that the entire way through this whole day,

Prince Andrew actually thought it was some sort of elaborate birthday present from Fergie and that it was like a handcuffed roll. play, it was a kinky thing. Wow. I wonder at what point the penny dropped. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, DNA saliva swab. By the time they took that photo of him in the back of the car, of him looking absolutely shocked. I think by then the penny had dropped that this was not some sort of sexy, kinky role play. Look, knowing Prince Andrew, or as he then was, it may not have dropped. I mean, he's not a sharp guy. He might still think this is all part of an old prank. But it does raise, you mentioned the constitutional law question, Charles.

What if your namesake, what if it had been King Charles, who was in the Epstein files, right? I'm sure we know far too much about his sexual proclivities and they're not young women. It involves various sanitary products. It's a completely different kink. No. No, no. Yeah, well, exactly. I mean, he must be shocked.

This guy who he wanted to be a tampon, he must be shocked that his brother's a weirdo that comes to see. I mean, the cheating outside marriage thing, of course, they both have that in common. Yeah, yeah. But, no, no, I mean, yeah, it could have been Prince Charles. But, and then, yeah, that would be full-on constitutional crisis, wouldn't it? Some might say, Charles, shows the problems with the monarchy as a system. But hasn't he done a good job Charles of coming out and saying that the law must take its course, he said? And then he continued his royal duties, Charles.

And he can just, to know, just in terms of balance, can I just, can I just, remind you what we'd lose if we dump the whole monarchy. It's being suggested this could be the end of the monarchy or this, right? I'm just quoting from the Herald here. Charles continued his royal duties hours after his brother's arrest. Bravely, Charles, bravely. He went about his normal work. He held an audience at St James's Palace, very approachable stuff, an audience, a royal

audience, and he was photographed at a London Fashion Week event. Imagine if those things hadn't happened because we didn't have a royal family. anymore. Yes. Ah, yes. The work of the royals has to go on because otherwise the whole of society would grow into a halt. People wouldn't be able to eat. He wouldn't be able to go and petition the king. People used to go

to the royal audience as a petition for justice, didn't they? But clearly you don't do that anymore. Well, maybe Andrew can do that. Maybe that's his next stop. And I'm fascinated to know exactly what kind of London Fashion Week event is enlivened by King Charles. Was there a tartan exhibition or something?

I don't know what. It was doing kind of grouse shooting outfits. I don't know what the vibe was. That's right. The Chaser report, news a few days after it happens. But look,

in fairness to Prince Andrew, he has come out and made a public statement saying he will take full responsibility for being caught. No, he hasn't. Oh, no, because I haven't seen,

has he put out a public statement at all? No, no, God no, no. I think he's going to, no, I don't know whether you remember the 2019 in panorama, or was it a panorama interview? Yes, the panorama. I don't think he's ever going to be interviewed ever again.

There's no way he's going to. You think he's not allowed to. Put himself. Yeah, I think he'll just go to ground. I'm just looking at the Royal website, royal. It's fascinating just to see how people keep getting disappeared from it. So it's got about the king, the queen, the Princess of Wales, the Prince of Wales. Interestingly, Prince of Wales is below his wife in the importance.

Then we jump, then we skip Andrew, completely dumped. Then the Duke of Edinburgh, Duchess of Edinburgh, Princess Royal, Anne's all the way down. The Duke of Gloucester, no idea who that is, some guy in glasses. Duke, Kent, Duchess of Gloucester. Princess Alexandra, don't know who that is either. Then we get to Harry and Megan right down the bottom where no one would scroll down that far. And they're pictured in, like, Hawaii. Why are they so far down?

Why? It says, as announced in January 2020, they've stepped back as working members of the Royal Family. It's got them both on a beach with like Hawaiian lays around their next. But is Harry still in the order of succession? Yeah, I think so. Because isn't it a very simple job for Harry to just go and kill his brother's entire family? And then he gets the crown, doesn't he? I mean, let's just say that sort of thing has been done before, you know, in the history of the monarchy.

Yeah, exactly. The prince is the tower and all that. Yeah, I mean, look, that's the way the succession works. First up is William. It's like how you run. Then the kids. It's basically how you run for election. If you're a royal, you go and kill your brother and all these kids.

You'd have to get them all. Yeah, that's right. So they went down the list. I think he's still in the list. Imagine if one survived, that'd be annoying. You know what I don't know. You know what I don't know, Charles. All right.

Let's not talk about murders. Let's just talk about a terrible accident at, I don't know, a grass hunt or something. Oh, yeah, yeah. Let's just say we wiped out all of the Prince William and John. children. Terrible thing of it happened. Then Harry and all of his kids.

So before any of this happened, you know who the next person in line would be. It would have been Prince Andrew. So is he still in the list of succession? That's what I want to know. No, well, I think isn't the whole point in being detitled? Oh, no, no.

No, I do know the answer to this, which is, it's an act of parliament. The laws of succession are an act of parliament. So the parliament would have to very quickly... He's still there. He's still in the order. Yeah. Because it's actually up to Kier Stama.

Imagine if you're Princess Anne, you spent your entire life just judicfully turning up stuff. She does far more events, I think, than the rest of them put together. And even now, on the day of his arrest, Andrew still gets the job ahead of her. Yes. Imagine how you'd crack the shits. It's sort of like the Liberal Party, isn't it? Is she the Susan Lee? The line of succession is just totally confounding and seeming

incredibly unfair, especially to women. Like, it's sort of perfect. Well, I mean, I just hope that they continue the Crown. I want to see more series of The Crown. This is the thing we really need. Oh, imagine how it's going to be the highest rating Netflix show ever. I really, because they've stopped it for now, but I think you really need to have an Andrew series.

Who plays Andrew in that? Oh, that is such. It'd be like a Jeffrey Rush, maybe. Well, Jeffrey Rush is no stranger to having. Craig. McLaughlin? Oh, you're just working who's had the scandals. I'm wondering who looks like him.

I don't know. Maybe, I mean, George Lasonby. Craig. Craig Rucastell. Chris Taylor, maybe, as he has a age as he. Chris Taylor, maybe, yeah. Or Chaz. It's actually, you know, age Chaz up a bit.

Chaz is a bit gray. I reckon he's, yeah. Andrew Hanson. Chaz is very great. Very great. Andrew Hanson has a good, um, English accent. Yes. John Cleese could play

Oh, he's a bit old, isn't he now? I hope they do this. I hope that is. But what happens next, Charles? I can use your prognosticating skills. What are the next steps of this? Well, I mean, I don't want to be grim, but I don't understand.

Like, I kind of don't feel like this is going to go all the way to the end. Like, I think... Oh, you think, Prince, you think Andrew Manbutton wins his days a number? Well, I think, and look, I think there will probably be This, yeah, oh, yes, I do. I don't see, like, however it plays out, I just can't see this being let. Like, whether it's his own shame and, well, not that I feel, he feels shame, but, like, there's not a huge amount.

The prospects for him are pretty grim. He doesn't even have, like, his mum, like, she, he was the favorite child. And this, this really shows the dangers of having favorite children, doesn't it? Yes, yes. They turned out to be pedophile weirdos. Who, who, more damningly, also forward emails. Yeah, and that's the real, we've got to remember this is the real crime that's being investigated. It's the email forwards that are the...

It's butter emails. It's the royal version of butter emails, Charles. Do you think that this will have flow-on consequences and there will be consequences for people in the Epstein files in America? Or do they not exist under a sort of rule of law system anymore? Well, Charles, it's worth noting, actually, that... When I had the hypothetical of what if the king, what if King Charles were in the Epstein files, of course the equivalent position,

the head of state of the United States of America, is all over the Epstein files. And we know that nothing happens. But he's only all over the Expestein files in the form of being exonerated. That's what I'm very clear for the White House, that every mention is essentially, just to clarify that there's no issues at all to see. Well, he actually commented.

Trump just commented a few hours ago on the Prince Andrew arrest. And he said, well, I'm the only one who can talk about it because I'm the only one who's been exonerated fully from the files. There are a lot of redactions. But maybe they've just redacted things because it got repetitive all the exonerations. Yes, it was so boring. Charles, I have a genuine question. I don't mean to trivialise it.

And as you know, I've done time. I've done 45 minutes. Would you rather, would you rather be in prison? or be stuck basically under virtual house arrest at a royal estate in Norfolk. I've been to the north of England. It's a genuine dilemma for me. I mean, there's more hunting to be done in Norfolk. But if you actually enjoy the society of your fellow humans,

prison at least there are other people there. You don't want to hang around north. I mean, the only people you could possibly talk to, I think it's in the Sandringham estate, would be other members of the royal family who hate you. That'd be the only chat you'd have. I don't know. I think prison might actually be more fun.

He could learn some skills, couldn't he? He could be trained. But also, he'd be so good at it. Because he's good at turning up to things. He could turn up to the yard each day. He could represent Britain's trade interests. He could do the prison trading, couldn't he? You know how they all trade all the stuff from the commissary for, you know, sly grog and stuff?

He could be the trade-on-in-boy to the commissary. But Charles, finally, we've got to remember the real victims in this. And we should acknowledge the terrible impact on the people. on Epstein's victims, it's horrific what happened to them. And King Charles appropriately mentioned them. But the other victim in this, the other victim clearly is British trade. And it's no coincidence that since Andrew's falling from grace, the British economy is tanked. Some might say it's Brexit, but I think it's Andrew.

I think it's Andrew's Andrew not being there at the helm forwarding his email. You know, you've got to Britain all the time. What can be done? Well, I think we've got to draft Andrew Beck. get him out of jail, give him back his title. Do you think he left his email with an auto forward out of office when he went off to jail? It was forward all to... That's his mistake.

J-E vacation or whatever it was at gmail.com. Yes. Okay, well, Dom, yes, it's... I said to somebody this morning, this is the 9-11 of comedy. Like, this is really, you know, this is worth getting up early just to write headlines for. This was a great day. We've done 20 minutes on this, 20 minutes of good, solid, focused work on this podcast episode. I think it's time to knock off for the day and go and have a gin and tonic.

Royal stuff. Oh, definitely, yes. Absolutely. I can't imagine Andrew ever put more than 20 minutes of work in to that envoy role. I think we're outperforming him, frankly. We're part of the Oconocles Network. Catch you tomorrow.