The Chaser Report - A Very Intern Christmas

Episode Date: December 24, 2021

Christmas is a happy time for lots of people, but not everyone. So this year why not spend 15 minutes to think of those less fortunate than yourself: The Chaser Interns. Forced to work over the holidays, your favourite Interns have banded together to celebrate Christmas with each other and with you. Gifts, stories, and soft serves await. Merry Christmas from The Interns! (This episode does not have the support of Charles or Dom, and stepping out of line in such a manner will ultimately end in the Intern's termination.) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is the Chase of Report. It was the night before Christmas. Not even a mouse was alive in the studio. We had a full house. My rhymes are real bad. Locky's looking kind of mad. I just don't think that's how we should start this very special Christmas episode, but it looks like the cat's out of the bag now, isn't it?

Who the fuck's listening to a podcast for? Christmas. People like, people like us, people without any friends or family or people who are forced to be in their workplace over Christmas. I don't know. I think Christmas lunch sometimes is bad and you want to lock yourself in the bathroom and block out everyone arguing about politics and things like that. Are listening to a podcast all about politics and things like that? Yes, precisely. Okay. So some people may be wondering why we're here and Charles and Dom aren't, why you've got four sprightly voices instead of two. Oh, to be to say sprightly. Should we introduce ourselves? Do we have to introduce ourselves? Do we have to introduce

ourselves? Do they know who I am? Hello? I'm Xander. I'm Alexa. I'm Gabby. Oh crap. I'm I'm Lachlan. Disgusting. So last week Charles comes into the office on Monday and is like, guys, do you need to keep working through till Christmas? However, I'm heading to the farm upstate, and we haven't heard from him since. Yeah, I asked him if he was coming back and he said he wasn't. So we're all here celebrating Christmas with each other, and we thought it'd be fun to celebrate Christmas Christmas. Christmas with you, dear listener. You specifically, not the whole audience.

This one's made for you. Yeah, no, this one is just for you. Ask your friends. You're the only person who got this on your feet. We thought, let's celebrate Christmas with you while we celebrate Christmas with each other. And we're going to have a bit of fun. I've brought everyone some Christmas gifts. I can't wait to see what you guys have.

Were we doing that? We were giving gifts? Yeah, I've got gifts here on the table for you. That's what those are. I can't wait to see what you guys have got me. Zander, I believe, has a Christmas story for us. Yes, as what some may refer to as the oracle of the office, I'm going to give one of the most beautiful and touching tales of all time

that reminds me the true meaning of Christmas. Oh. And hell, I think to wrap it all off, I think we might have a Christmas carol or two or 14 planned from Gabby. Yeah, look, how festive. Can't say I didn't put in effort, that's for sure. So obviously with Charles at the farm, He's taken Beck and Dom with him as well.

God, they're all going to the farm. They're all going to the farm. I'm very sad about this. You can't buy a replacement Charles Beck and Dom. It's so expensive. That's a lot of people. No, no one said anything about paying for a replacement because we're all unpaid interns. So we're going to try and do headlines.

We thought because it's Christmas in the spirit of the holiday season, rather than doing headlines, we're going to crack open some Christmas bonbons. And tell those jokes. Because I can't be bothered to. write any today, can you? No. No way. All right.

I can't be bothered to open his bonbon. All right. Before we go, let's crack one, sell one. Aye. Merry Christmas. This is not sponsored by Furfies. What does Santa suffer from if you get stuck in the chimney? Clause, strophobia.

That's his bloody last name. What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire? Frostbite Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. What do you get when you cross an apple with a Christmas tree? A pineapple. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. What did Santa asked rudolph,

What did Santa ask Rudolph about the weather? Is it going to rain, dear? It's like they're married. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. The Conservatives nightmare. Wait, I don't. I've been having so much fun having Christmas with my best friends here. Aw.

And Sanders come with a very special gift. He's come up with a bit of a story. I love stories. It's a classic Christmas story with a bit of a twist. All year. miss out on a lot of celebrations due to lockdown. And I think Zander's done us a favor by shoehorning pretty much all the holidays we've missed into one. He's got a spooky Halloween-style Christmas story. It also involves a bit of Easter because it talks about death. Right. But if it doesn't have the

Queen's birthday in it, I'm going to be very disappointed. Well, it was the night before the Queen's birthday. Oh. I'm in. You've got me. I'm hooked. That's a great night because the next day I'm thinking, I don't have to wake up. Neither did Prince Philip. As you were, Xander. It's the night before the Queen's birthday, which for some reason this year falls on December 25th. But for some reason, the house is full of photos of Queen Elizabeth II and red tinsel, and there's tunes and Christmas carols playing happily.

And little Timmy is in the kitchen. He's got a plate and he's laying out cookies and he's laying out beer. Beer? For the Queen when she comes into the house. Doesn't she drink all day? He leaves out a couple of cookies that he's made that night. They're still warm and a glass of brandy for Miss Elizabeth Clause. The second.

The second. And he creeps into his room and he closes the door and he lies awake for what corgi she'll bring him this year. And he's tucked into bed and then he hears something strange. He hears these boots on the roof. Now, his dad's still at work. He shouldn't be home yet for another couple of hours. Sorry, hold on a second, no, I'm going to stop you. He hears boots on the roof and assumes it's his dad.

What the fuck is his dad doing on the roof? Cleaning the gutters? How does his dad get home? Bushfire season's coming up. Oh, for fuck sake. Okay, he's got answers. Yeah, yeah, yeah, please. I've thought out my stories.

Well, the Queen's prepping the palace for bushfire season. Is it little Jimmy or little Timmy? Timmy. I thought it was Bobby. Little Joey is in his bed and he hears this stomping on the roof and he goes, no. Dad's work at McDonald's doesn't finish. doesn't finish for another four hours and mum's sound asleep in the other room who could this be

when dad works McDonald's and they have more than one room that a casual fast food worker working the midnight shift on Christmas somehow affords a house with multiple rooms for his family little Kevin is lying in bed and then he hears the window slide open and he hears the boots scrape down the wall can you put some like boots scraping down the wall sound effects no it's fucking Christmas I'm not doing any extra work And then he hears a fud as the boots land in the room across.

He goes, what is that? I didn't know that Queen Elizabeth Clause the second was that loud when she enters your house. And so he walks out, he walks out of the room and he hears something. He puts his ear to his mum's door. Zendor, I've got goosebumps. And he hears this. He hears his mum kissing someone. But the voice that speaks back is not the sweet, dulcet tones of Queen Elizabeth.

It's a gruff, oddly arctic accent of a man who's probably about 5-11 and is quite fat and his words are coming through this enormous white beard. Now, you may be wondering how little Jimmy Kevin, Joey, Timmy can understand this, but... I think we should just call him Zander. Little Zander can understand this, but he's got quite a way, a wild imagination. And he hears him shaking off some snow off his suit. Hold on, wait, snow, isn't it bushfire season? This makes sense. He's traveling from the North Pole here,

so he'll cover the whole world at that velocity you will be making snow. Guys, did we want me to tell you this Christmas story or not? You're right, Zendor, you're right. I just can't believe that it's a true story. It's a true story. It happens to my friends, brothers, uncles, cousin. All right, we're very sorry.

Keep going. Now little... No, that doesn't make sense. The non-specifically named child, because you all keep getting angry at me for continuity reasons, opens the door and in there he sees his mum wrapped in the embrace of a large red caped man capes are in this year little jimmie timmy kevin zander says you're not queen elizabeth claus the second and the man goes oh no no i am santa claus and with that his dad's hylux

screeches in to the driveway of their moderately sized four-bedroom house on the outer suburbs of Sydney. Alexa, I can see it. Highlux, is that within or is that out of the... That is so expensive. What about it's Christmas time, magic happens? Yeah, miracles can happen. He storms in the house and the dad also sees and shouts out,

you're not Queen Elizabeth Claus the second? I have another issue with this story, all right? Why is the kid and the dad assuming that it's fine for the mum to get off with Queen Liz? I mean, get your bag, babe, but like... Everyone has a list. Oh, so he's saying, okay, right. The mum and dad have made a list. They've checked it twice, and they know who's allowed to be naughty and nice.

And Zander, is it about to get naughty? Not in the way you expect. Damn. Out of his pocket, the dad pulls a Mick chicken nugget. That's been cold and is solidified in the warm winter's air. And he throws it at Santa Clause and it hits Santa right in the face. However, what we didn't know, that Santa has a chicken allergy. And Santa starts to have an an anaphylactic reaction.

And then they struggle to tell what Santa's red suit. And then everyone's... Sorry, I don't even know where this story's going anymore. I just feel... Can we use any of this? Yes. Zanda, to be honest, look me in the eyes. Do you have an ending for this story?

Yes. No, more specifically, do you have an ending that... will happen in the next 20 seconds. No, it's war and peace size, Tolstoy-esque tragedy. This has been fun, but I think the moral of this story

is that when you're hiring a free intern, you get what you're paid for. The Chaser Report, news you can't trust. Hey guys, it's Christmas. I love you all. We've all gotten to know each other very well over the course of this year.

And, look, one of my... Lachlan's talking, okay, so I got mixed up sometimes. Lockland. Thanks, Angus. I love you all, so I thought... Sanda, I will turn this car around. Zanda, have you got your crimpies? Okay.

Well, I've got more things to give you. I thought I'll bring food and we've got hats and bonbons, but it's not Christmas without gifts. So, guys, I've actually genuinely got you some little goodies here. That is so nice. This is heavy. There's an enormous sense of value from the sheer weight of it in my hand. So, you know, and I, you know, I did the ribbon myself.

I did get you all the same thing, but I wanted to get you something that I knew you would all need. Okay. So please open up your little boxes. Is it a severance package? Are you the last intern standing? It's not far. I got you guys, I got you all an emergency defamation case kit. Yay, we need these.

Wait, there's a little bottle in here. Is this cyanide? That's to drink during your defamation case. That's just one shot of gin, but there might be a little few extra things. It's not, it's just gin. So this says this. Coupon allows the holder to make a Lachlan their fall guy in case for defamation lawsuit. This is legally, like we can actually do this.

It's in written. It's written. It's written. It's legally buying. I just, I love you guys so much. And I thought if any of you guys ever find yourself in a defamation case, and we all know we will.

Yeah. I figured this is the least I can do. I mean, I just shut on Andrew Bolton, my comedy show. So like, this is going to come in handy pretty quickly. In front of his relative. Yeah. That was fucked. Wow.

Thank you, lucky. Well, actually, God. You're welcome. So what did you guys get me? Oh. Check, check this out. If you, yeah.

He's pulling a gift out of his pocket. Well, you've got to close your eyes. Yeah, you're going to close your eyes. You guys should not. So this is. Can I open them? No, no, no. No, no.

Let me just think of it. Got my eyes closed. So, this, I got your eyes. you were, it's, um, you put it on your face and it stops you from giving people COVID during Christmas, not that we're going anywhere during Christmas because we're here recording the show. Yeah. And rumor has it. It was worn by boy, boy. What is it? What did you get? Can I open my eyes now? Yeah, check it out. No. Yeah. So your very own face mask. That is this is pretty impressive. You know, you can, you can clone him from that now. What's great about other people's

face masks is that when you buy them new, they don't have that dent in the nose and you've got to push it in, but now it's pre-dented. No, it's come pre-fit for me. Yeah. Alexa, you shouldn't have. Look, I mean, I definitely shouldn't have. I put way too much work into this, but I... You know how much I care about you, Lachlan. Thank you. Guys, I know it's Christmas. I don't know we're jokers. I love you all. It's been a good year. It's been lovely. It's been a shit year, but I love you too. because we've been stuck at work tirelessly in the office we couldn't make it to carols in the domain this year so gabby has written us some christmas carols yeah i had to adjust them because there's not much christmas spirit going around this year is there so i've sort of made they're like

half christmas carol half like power ballad to get people you know happy again you know i do need to be happy again yeah same i was never happy before but thanks for assuming that's really nice So Gabby, you've got us some songs. Let's have a listen and see if you've solved Christmas. Sure. DJ. Okay. So like, it's like jazzy and happy.

I thought I'd just keep it there, you know? Christmas. Yeah, you know. Santa baby. Stick a booster under the tree for me. You get it? I've isolated all year. Santa baby.

you be whack it in my bloodstream tonight. This is like it keeps the... Yeah. It's a reasonable gift. That's a pretty realistic gift to want. Yeah. It's all I want this year. It's realistic to want whether or not you can get it now

because you haven't been vaccinated within the correct span of time is different. Yeah. Yeah. And I mean, speaking of all of the COVID vaccine stuff and all the rhetoric that will happen around Christmas, it's unavoidable that we'll have Christmas arguments this year. So I've written,

I've rewritten Slay Ride to sort of emulate how we all actually feel at the Christmas gathering. All right, take it away. Just hear that Murdoch-Moddering antivacs tottering tune. Come on, it's lovely ammunition for screaming in the kitchen at you. Right? That's my Christmas experience. Ah, okay.

Yeah, it's joyful, but also a bit negative, like this year's Christmas. I think that that has the potential to be the next how to make. Gravy. Yeah. Actually, for the last one, I need help. Yeah, it's a duet. Shotnot. I'll do it. Well, Alexa, you'll do it. Okay. Alexis's the singer. So this one's like a revamp of like baby it's cold outside, a classic, right? Isn't that problematic? Oh yeah, it's super rapy, but I've changed it to be better. Maybe it's consent outside. I really can't stay. But baby, there's COVID outside.

I've got to go away. Baby, you might fucking die. This evening has been... Are you fucking listening to me? You can't go anywhere. There's so many fucking restrictions and no one's wearing masks and all you are going to be fucking eradicated. Are you stupid?

Are you stupid? You're stupid this year for Christmas. Is that what people got you a low IQ? You need to fucking wise up, dude. Put some fucking socks on and say the fucking size. My father will be pacing the floor, right? Merry Christmas. We'll see you in the new year.

Our roads are from gear microphones and wear A-cast a part of the Power Network. And Loughlin's having a stroke. Merry Christmas, guys, and I do love you all. I don't. That was just Lachlan. Oh, yeah, no. I'm only in this for the cash. A gear is provided by a road microphones, and we're part of the A-Cast Creator Network.

we'll see you soon Shut up Bye