The Chaser Report - Afghanistan Gets The "Where The Bloody Hell Are You?" Treatment

Episode Date: May 23, 2024

Charles needs a holiday, and Dom reckons he has the perfect destination... Afghanistan! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gatigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report with Dorman Charles. Charles, you're looking slightly tired, slightly stressed. I suspect you need a holiday. I know you're going to England. Yes. Scotland in a few weeks to do your show.

Nevertheless, you probably need a break. I need a holiday. Yes. And fortunately, an amazing new holiday destination is about to come online. Oh, fantastic. I know you're a well-traveled man. You've been all. over the place.

Yes. But there's somewhere I'm sure you've never been. Even though you've been to North Korea. Oh, okay. You might need to draw on some of those experiences. I assume you're going to be talking about New Caledonia, are you? No, why? Well, the riots there, Australians have been evacuated.

Oh, yes, that's right. There's. Because the French are basically taking over it over, even though they'd already owned it. That bizarre. They've given themselves the vote. Well, I didn't in any way know that that was a thing. That completely passed me by. Oh, okay.

I'm much more excited about another destination. Okay. But again... An equally war-torn destination? No, it's not war-torn, Josh. Oh, good, okay. It was war-torn for many, many years. Oh, okay.

But it's now a place of peace, a place of relaxation. Oh, dear. It's Afghanistan, child. Of course it is. The Taliban want to open up Afghanistan as a holiday destination. Oh, okay. I'm not making this up. This is a real thing that's happening.

Can you bring your wife? I'll explain it all in a moment. To answer your first question, yes, you can. Your wife is very, very welcome. Oh, yes. As long as, just a few conditions. As long as she carries all the bags. It doesn't carry the bags.

It's more like she has a male chaperone with her at all times when she leaves. Oh, right. Yeah, that's irritated. Yeah, we went to Iran for a couple of weeks. And I'll tell you what, it's fucking irritating the fact that men won't talk to women in public in Iran, or at least back then. Oh, yeah. I'm sure it hasn't got any more liberals. They just literally don't, like, you know, you're dealing with just hotel.

concierge, just talk to the man. They'll just talk to the man. And it caused incredible trouble in our relationship because, you know, my wife likes to do this. She likes having agency. Yeah, yeah. And I would end up going, well, I'm going to do it my way because I'm the one who has to do it. And you realize, and then she became this sort of nagging woman. And you go, fuck, it actually works.

Like, the actual external patriarchal relationship actually then crunches into you. I have to do all this ends. Yeah, your internality and it breeds resentment. Fantastic. Well, Charles, the good news is if you want to check whether those dynamics have improved in your relationship and whether you're able to withstand that sort of situation, head to Afghanistan. Fantastic news, Charles. Last year, guess how many foreign tourists visited Afghanistan?

One? Seven thousand. Seven thousand. I bet you seven thousand of them were YouTubers. They were all... All they were from Iran, going, I wonder if you... figured out this whole only talking to the men thing yet.

And in 2021, only 691. Who would go, oh, I wanted a relaxing holiday. You know, I think... Afghanistan. I mean, what proportion of the 7,000 was spies? There were spies. It would be spies and YouTubers. And the YouTubers would be, like, set themselves a chance.

I went to Afghanistan to get a haircut. Are you talking about Alex? I'm afraid. Yeah, I am. Okay, so it's all happening. But the good news, Charles, is that they've opened... It's going to go up from 7,000 for sure. Oh, definitely, yeah.

They've opened the very first tourism and hotel management school that's never existed before in Afghanistan. Ah, right. The Afghanistan or the, I don't know, the Kabul Tourist Academy. Yeah. There are some entry criteria to get trained. Not be a woman. Not be a woman.

That's right. That's literally true. That is literally the... Hospitality professionals, all men as women are banned from all education are leading to charge. So, yeah, the guerrillas are running the show now. So what are, like, I mean, just like, isn't it the case that if you're a westerner and you go to Kabul, you're in mortal danger the whole time?

Like, it's not actually... I don't think so, because isn't it all over? Didn't the Taliban win? Right. But doesn't the Taliban hate Western infidels? Not anymore. Not when there's tourism bucks to make. Because this is the whole thing.

It's so awkward being a guerrilla and militia, right? Yeah. You kill people, whatever. You oppress women. But then you've got to try and run a country and you need hard currency to do that. And Afghanistan apparently has a few undestroyed national beauties still, natural beauty still left. But you can check out. Right.

Okay. And sorry, who's running the tourism board of Afghanistan? Well, uh, it's not, um, not Scott Morrison is it? I mean, if he wants a gig. He does have a bit of time on his hand. He specialises in the tough cell. Yeah, yeah. That's a tough cell.

Where the bloody hell are you? Now, you'll actually like this, Charles. The Taliban's official spokesman, I've gone to... Actually, his view. on women and the telebands wouldn't be that far apart, would he? Well, I don't think, yeah, I think in his church women don't get to preach. So they'd be able to talk about that. And in fact, if, you know, in certainly the Abbott ministry, the only woman was Julie Bishop.

Yes. And they managed to sideline her. So, yeah, maybe it's sort of actually, you know, fit in. Could, could. Well, look, he's doing a book tour. I saw that he talked to Antoinette Latouf the other day on the briefing podcast. So he's willing to deal with hostile interrogators. He's probably got a better welcome in Afghanistan.

And actually, he's, because John Delmenico wrote a very, very funny review of Scott Morrison's book for The Chaser. Check it out at chaser.com. But one of the interesting things is he counted up all the times various things were mentioned. Oh, yes, Jen. Jen was mentioned like 93 times. God got over 100. It was like 106. I mean, in Scott Morrison's life, I'm sure Jen knows she comes second.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But no, but the whole point is so the Taliban love God as well. I mean, I think maybe different... Oh, no, they're basically the same God, aren't they? Yeah, yeah. It's the same God, so he'd probably fit right in. Oh, I think so. Plans for your good.

Yeah, right. Well, this is a plan for the Taliban's good. Now, I wanted to answer your question, because this is an article from the Daily Mail, so you know it's true. And they quote the Taliban's official spokesman, Zabi Hula Mujahid, who says, we will welcome the citizens of any country who visit Afghanistan. So just because we fought a war against them, that's over with now. They just want the money. And it's very important to say here, okay?

And this is the Taliban speaking. Everyone is treated equally, he says. Obviously, except for women. Let's not even bother clarifying that one. Yeah, everyone. And special attention is paid to the protection of tourists. And foreign nationals are given special attention by the authorities in the area. Wait a minute.

So everyone's treated equally except for tourists who are given special attention. Special attention from authorities in a country like Afghanistan. Doesn't that mean given an especially shit sell when they arbitrarily arrest you? So does it mean they're just creating, they're recreating a two-tier class system that they wanted to abolish where, and where Westerners get all the benefits, which is exactly the complaint that they had about the last system? That's right. So they wanted to, they wanted to flush out all Western influences from the government

and the courts and everything, just completely flush them all out, get rid of all the Western sympathising people within Afghanistan, and then invite Western to see it as a tour. It's a strange idea, isn't it? But I mean, we've seen this when we went to Cuba. It's the same thing. Like, Charles and I were in Cuba together. Everyone was very anti-West, anti-capitalism, you know. Yes.

What's that? We went to anti-imperialism Plaza, which is set up opposite the US embassy. It's not really an embassy. Yeah. The US Interest Section, I think it's called. And there was a Swiss. Yeah, the Swiss kind of notionally ran it. And there's a big sign saying, you know, pig dog imperialists, we're not afraid of you.

That's right. There's a giant sign out the front saying that. Yes. But admittedly, we wrote that. Yeah, that's right. But at the same time, Charles. wherever we went, we had to pay in US dollars because they wanted the hard currency.

So, you know, the Pindog imperialist money was useful. And it was humiliating, because we were staying in an Airbnb or the equivalent of an Airbnb had been. Casa particular. And there was a barrister who lived above us. Oh, yes. Who helped translate because the people whose house we were staying in. Yeah, I didn't speak Spanish.

And so he was very literate and he was very eloquent and things of that. And yet, you'd bump. into him every afternoon, and he'd be roaming the streets trying to find bread. Remember that? Because the thing is, like, we'd be going out with our dollars and going, oh, isn't the bread fresh here? Meanwhile, local Cubans had to spend hours queuing up. In the shops for Cubans.

Yeah. And not the special tourist shops where you're paying US dollars. I think they use euros now, but yeah, it's the same thing. And then at the end, I'll never forget, at the end, he takes us aside after we'd gained his trust. This was after two weeks, because it was actually a bit of a sort of... Oh, it was a total surveillance state. There were signs everywhere saying, you know,

the Committee for the Defence Revolution is watching. Yeah, exactly. And he took his aside, and he realized that we weren't spies for the Cuban regime. Even though Charles was constantly talking about that great communism, war. And he went, you know what I really think, old Castro? I think he is a fucking. That's what I think. I think he is a fucking.

Remember that? I do remember that. And I remember his poor syntax. His fourth syntax. Completely undermined his otherwise passionate. Yeah, yeah. So you can have that sort of experience there. The Chaser Report, news a few days after it happens.

Look, there are some rules. I'm just looking at this here. Yeah, so what are the rules? It's hard to know how this is a work in practice. But there is a blanket rule in Afghanistan issued by the Ministry for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice, Good title. Good title. That should be our business name.

Let's rename the chase of that. The Ministry for the Promotion of Virtue. We should have one in Australia. Albo should have one. Like, it should be one of the ministries. The Virtue's signalling ministry. Yeah. So they've put some rules in.

You can't, women can't travel more than 45 miles, if not company buying a close family member. Right. And you're not allowed to get on any form of transport without hijab. So even a female TV journalist are expected to wear hijab, like full face covering while presenting. So, I mean, on the bright side, you know, you could just move around anonymously and people would treat, you know, Western visitors. I mean, men, you could put on the hijab or whatever and see, see just how awful life is. Is it a hijab or is it a chador? Well, it, what it says, it looked like full cover. Like, a head job is, is when you can see

the whole fight. Yeah, no, I'm confused by the image of the time. I'm not sure the Daily Mail understands the finer points of this. So anyway, the activities that you can do. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Lots of things you can do. So I presume, yeah, what would it be? What can you do in this game? There's a traditional wrestling, which looks like fun. There are some very, very scary theme parks that look like they're falling apart. It can't be worse than Dream World.

There's this extraordinary picture, actually, if you look at the website, of gun-toting Taliban soldiers, like Majardine, basically, in a duck boat. Like on an ornamental lake. A gun-mounted duck boat. With a duck or a swan boat. Right, okay. And there's quite a nice looking water park that was built by, probably by the Americans, this giant water slide and only men visible in the picture. Well, indeed.

Of course. So, if you're a misogynist, you'd probably love it. Yep. You'd not have to deal with women at all. But also, look, let's not judge. Cultures, Dom. Like, who are we to judge? Relativism.

Yes, exactly. I think you've got to take cultures for what they are. I think you should tell your wife this point of view. See how that goes down. So look, I mean, there are worse places to visit, Charles. Where? Gaza? New Caledonia.

No, look, I mean, I would be interested to visit Afghanistan in, if things weren't like this, right? I don't want to go and help the Taliban in any way. Yeah. But if I'm not a place to visit. But how do you get there? Like, what airline? I think the best way to get there is to just wait until the next war. Go there for free.

But I don't know which air. It doesn't actually say here. What you could do is you could catch a Singapore Airlines. flight to London You'd probably plummet It doesn't say It doesn't say I'll just quickly

I've got my laptop here Does Qantas fly to No Of course they don't Okay which airline It'll be Like it'll be some dodgy airline It's very racist of you Charles

Oh okay I don't know who Would Emma or maybe China You know One of the Chinese airlines Maybe There's a few here There's apparently

Cam Air Cam Air KAM Fly Dubai does it Oh okay Right, right here. That's the Jet Star. Pegasus, Whizair, and Whizair, Malta.

Whiz Air? Yeah. So there's a great option. And so you fly in... In fact, there's a lot of flights. There's plenty of flights from the Gulf that go in there. Turkish Airlines. And so what, like...

Or Emirates fly there. Okay. They do. And Ariana Afghan Airlines. Triple-A rating, Charles. So why don't we... Why don't we go there? Why don't we do...

Do they have political freedom there? Like, we'd be able to do a live stream about what we said. We'd be great to do a gig in Kabul. And we could do all the sites of the monuments that they blew up. Yeah, there's a lot of the Buddhas and everything. Heritage things that blew up. I mean, we were going to go to the central western New South Wales and orange and Bathurst and such places.

I think Afghanistan's safer. It's probably easier to get to. Yeah. Because at least we wouldn't have to go by, like, train. Yeah, no, exactly. I suspect Air Ariana would be more reliable than city around. Did they still do pop. Or did the Taliban get rid of all the poppy fields?

I don't think they're so into the hashish side of things. But you can probably find a guy who knew a guy. Poppy farming. Don't worry about Googling it now. Just ask Bruce Lammon to hook you up. No, he's Coke. That's not. April 2020, they banned all cultivation of opium poppy.

Do they not want to make money, these people? Well, you know that banning the cultivation of illegal drugs always works. Just makes it more fun. Right, okay. Oh, no. Opium cultivation has declined 95% This was late last year Taliband really are living up the reputation

Yeah, they are. They are, they are Oh well, that's alright We'll go there and hang out with all our Male friends It sounds roughly as fun as visiting Saudi Arabia And they've just been giving them World Cup So by that token Okay, but we've got to come up with an advertising slogan

To help them get people there I'm thinking something like I think I don't have the same shoe in their marketing meeting but they've trained 30 people so far by the way

at this hotel school so it's all happening yeah yeah it's all like and is there like a hiat or something like that what's the name of the top hotel in Kabul there is there's a five-star hotel yeah you're right

Kabul Serena Hotel the Kabul Serena yep it's it's got two restaurants at pastry shop and a pool side bar that does not serve alcohol that's the other thing by the way Charles No booze.

Oh, fuck that. Why did we even start this conversation? Fuck it. We're not going. No. Sorry, Taliban. Charles was willing to live with the oppression of women, but you can't have no booze. Yeah, I mean.

This podcast is over. What a stupid idea. How Keir is from Road. We're part of the Icona class network. And when the Chase Report visits Kabul, we choose to stay in the Serena Hotel because I think it might be the only hotel. See ya.