The Chaser Report - Alan Jones Broke The Internet

Episode Date: December 14, 2021

John takes a look at Alan Jones' debut show that literally metaphorically broke the internet. Meanwhile Aleksa looks to the United States at a new model for teachers to produce funding for their classes, and Lachlan investigates a corrupt sporting scandal in Saudi Arabia. Plus, Charles tells everyone to shut up. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello, and welcome to The Chaser Report. It is Wednesday the 15th of December, 2021. We have Charles Firth. Hello, Charles. Hello, Dom. Lachlan Hodson, go away. Alex of Ulavich, and I'm Dom Knight.

Hi. And I have good news and bad news from the New South Wales Health. We had 804 COVID cases yesterday, which is the highest it's been by a mile since lockdown ended. Woo, back on top. I can't wait for the good news. Well, the good news is tomorrow we're winding back almost all restrictions. So no masks in most places, no QR codes. So, Dom, just shut up.

What? Shut up, Tom. We're not talking about this. It's freedom. No. It's freedom. I can do whatever I want. No, we just, like, shut up.

Just don't let's not talk about the numbers. Just shut up. Let's just not talk about it. Do you want to let it rip? No, I, well, no, I'm just saying, no, but the thing is, of course, we don't want to let it rip. But I also don't want to not be able to have all the freedoms and everything. Like, I just want everyone to shut up and we'll just talk about something else. We didn't have to think about it.

Like, you just sort of like pretend it's not there. I think that's let other people worry about it. Just shut up. That is how viruses work, that if you don't pay any intention to them, they just go away. Yes. I think that's a good idea. That's what happened with my venereal diseases. It's what happened with all the bullies at high school.

Yeah. Yeah. We just, let's just pretend it's over. Everything's over. It's all normal. Let's just have a Christmas. We'll worry about the explosion and all the, you know, the fact that it's all opened up at the wrong time. After Christmas, not now.

Right. Boxing Day is going to fucking suck, though. On today's show, John's going to take a look at Alan Jones's streaming television debut. I cannot wait to hear how that went. I believe it was a triumph, Don. Yeah, he certainly says it was. Actually, he's probably also wanting everyone to shut up about it. His new broadcast.

Alexa looks at a new model for schools funding in the United States. Ooh, that's interesting. And Loughlin has a story about camels. Big fan, big fan of camels and everything to do with them. We'll get into that right after Rebecca Dina Mino in the Jason Newsroom in a moment. Shut up. Great. 804, Charles.

See, camels, that's the story we want. We don't want... No, I'micron? Just camels. All right, let's get into it. Bathurst supercar driver Scott Morrison has reworked the proposal for his long-promised federal corruption watchdog, replacing it with an honesty system. The system is said to be strikingly similar to the current system of federal politicians

in which they are harshly held accountable by no watchdog at all. After an unsuccessful debut to his online show, influencer Alan Jones has yet again shifted platforms and will now be yelling opinions at strangers outside his local supermarket. Jones's new public ranting platform has the potential to reach tens of people at any one time, quadrupling his previous TV audience at Sky News. And finally, following Triple J opening the polls for 2021's hottest 100, Parliament House has landed in hot water after misunderstanding that they were voting for the hottest 100. songs. Politicians have since retracted the votes they sent in for staffers, anonymous

donors, defamation lawyers and desks. That's the latest Chaser report headlines from The Chaser Report. I'm The Chaser Report's Rebecca Daynamuno and you're listening to The Chaser Report. On Monday night, something very special, something very historical happened in terms of Australian, well, political history, media history, which is that Alan Jones launched his new online internet-only video sort of stream thing. And to talk about it, we've got John Delmenico. John, did you actually watch it?

Hi, Charles. I tried to. There was a bit of a rocky start. I don't know how this happened, but somehow Alan Jones's website went down 20 minutes before. He was supposed to go live and stayed down for the entire night. That means you didn't have to watch it. That's amazing.

Well, sadly, it did still air on YouTube and Facebook. So it starts off really well. Play the first clip. Alan Jones, direct to the people, right across Australia. Yes, it's me. I'm back, and I'll be more accessible than ever. Here we are. Sounds very professional, John.

It sounds a lot like regional radio. a bit of demotion. Well, I love it because it's like radio on YouTube. And Alexa, you used YouTube a lot. He used a copyrighted song in his title sequence. Oh, no. That's just fine, isn't it?

Well, yeah, yeah. It sounds like his video won't be shown to anyone. He's clearly done his research before launching his brand new network of stuff that includes articles online, everything revolving around this show. It didn't go great. After three minutes of self-plugs and intros, he eventually got around to starting to the content. We all need a motive for what we're doing.

I've been reminded of the words of General Douglas MacArthur. Oh, Alan Jones, direct to the people. Right across all. Yeah, it plays again. That's a quote from General Douglas MacArthur, though. What? Hang on. So what happened was, the intro just started playing again.

And for some reason, in this live stream that's definitely live, he says the exact same thing afterwards. Also, something, Alexa, again, you use YouTube. When something says YouTube premiere instead of YouTube live stream, that means that it's a pre-recorded, pre-edited video, right? Yeah, that's not a live stream. That's just a video you upload. So that technical failure that everyone's been talking about online was a pre-recorded, pre-edited thing that they left in the video. That's insane. That is so weird.

Do you think they did it? In order to have people talking about it, that it was sort of intentionally shit. Well, that would explain what happens after he gets through the intros again. So, Charles, can you play that? Is this just going to be the same clip again? Intro number three. We all need a motive for what we're doing. I've been reminded of the words of General Douglas McCart.

Yeah, then from there he cuts you out for a full three minutes. Just a blank screen for three minutes, no sound. General Douglas MacArthur was a quiet man. He's just doing the quote as it should be done. It's very hard to stuff up the technical thing of a pre-recorded video. They shut down the streams, deleted the... They took the videos down. Then they uploaded something claiming that the issue was Facebook and YouTube's bandwidth

couldn't handle the amount of people watching. And then they said it'll be two hours later they'll try again. and then it was back 30 minutes later, sadly sat through the whole over one hour broadcast of that. John, why did you do this? For the podcast, and I haven't seen a full Alan Jones thing, so I thought it would be way more interesting than it was. Like, I thought it would be good content.

What I really want to know, though, what's been T so much, I want to know what General MacArthur said. It's just like the third time he's flirted with it. I've got no idea what he said. I zoned out by the time he eventually got around to the actual quote. And can I just remind listeners that that night, that was Monday night, they could have also been watching at the same time the final episode of Succession. So, you know, there's a real choice here.

No, this is the thing that broke the internet, not Succession. Yeah, that's right. Okay, so we're going to listen to... It's a compilation of different sections of his interview with Dominic Parate. Okay. For my first interview on Alan Jones, Director of the People, with the newly minted New South Wales Premier Dominic Perrite. Traditional freedoms and values have been cast aside.

Remember all that negative discussion when Dominic Peritay was elected to the leadership of the Liberal Party in New South Wales about how many children he had? And to that, of course, his explicit Christianity at a time when many of our Christian values are being erased from public education. Dominic Peret is on record as saying, in relation to freedom, It is not the government's role to provide freedom.

People in New South Wales Premier, Dominic Perrote, joins us for the first time on this program. Premier, thank you for your time. I can assure you your voice will be heard over the modern digital platforms by hundreds of thousands of people. Can you confidently say this is the Australia we want Australia to be?

Well, I think Alan. So all those clips he didn't notice are all from the first question he asked Dominic Perrote. So Dominic Perretti is sitting there while he's quoting Dominic Peritay, referring to him as Dominic Perrite every time it takes over three and a half minutes for him to get the first question out

there's points where he poses ideas and then answers on Dominic Peritay's behalf Did he actually have hundreds of thousands of people watching Like you said to Dominic Peritay? At the time of recording He has not hit 100,000 views combined on all of the platforms But then also that includes Facebook views

Where Facebook views count As long as it's on your screen Not if you're actually watching it I mean that's classic YouTube stuff That's what we do as well you know, just lie. I wouldn't go as far as saying lying. He does have a classic Alan Jones member because he can't just talk about Australia all the time, not with his current audience. So he does talk about American politics with a brand new conspiracy he has.

Of Hunter Biden's involvement in a deal for the Chinese Communist Party to acquire a cobalt mine located in the Congo. Now cobalt's a component in the manufacture of batteries for electric cars. Get the drift? Fifth Amendment, Section 2, specifies that, quote, whenever there's a vacancy in the office of the vice president, the president shall nominate a vice president who shall take office upon confirmation by a majority vote by both houses of Congress, unquote.

Well, as things stand, the Democrats would be able to secure such a vote if Harris were to go because of her total lack of political support. Who would replace her? And if Biden doesn't last the distance, Could he then be replaced by the replacement? Could that replacement be Hillary Clinton? That's right. Hillary Clinton's back.

What? The full conspiracy is that Hunter Biden is in cahoots with the CCP to spread communism through electric cars so that Joe Biden has to stand down after the next election through impeachment, the 2022 by election, so that then Kamala Harris steps down because she's unpopular or so... That part, he has no reason for it all. And then instead of going with the current next in line,

they then leapfrog Hillary Clinton, who's not even involved, into presidency, and that's Joe Biden's plan. Just at a critical assessment level, you watch a lot of YouTube, don't you, John? Yeah. Yeah. You think maybe he's better suited

to something like Discord? Because, don't you think, I just get the scenes that YouTube's a bit sort of... Maybe you read it? I reckon he could blow up on Reddit. I'll see Twitch because it suits his kind of like, trailing off elaborations on bus routes changing because you don't have to watch the whole thing it's kind of just like an all-day stream and you can have it on in the background while you're

doing other stuff yeah you know what would really suit him i am radio because they've got a whole lot of nutters on it hasn't it failed that once right it's sort of a dying medium well so is he though the chaser report news you can't trust does ever remember we had a bit of a teacher's strike last week. Yes, we had Charles's children in here, which was the only good thing that happened. Our numbers went up when we had Charles's kids. Oh, really? Yeah, like substantially.

Oh, yeah, well, you know, they're hot property. Well, outside of giving us more content, teachers strike for a whole lot of other reasons. You know, generally shit work conditions, pay. I mean, during COVID, there's a lot of safety issues. By the end of the last lockdown, it is absolutely true that I would have paid a teacher a billion dollars a year to take my kids away. Actually, I used to be an ex-teacher. Yeah. If I can claim that.

Yeah. Oh, you're an ex-X teacher, right? Yeah, okay. They've got a different way of doing things in the States. You don't have to strike to get better pay. There's actually a much better way to go about it. Now, I'm going to play a little audio game with you. There's a sound, and you have to tell me what the teachers are doing here

and how this is getting them extra funding. Oh, okay. It sounds like some sort of fundraiser. Are they doing some sort of basketball match? I'm guessing it's some sort of cheerleading. It's America. Yeah. They're dressed in skimpy costumes and all the dads are going,

Hell yeah. Yeah, they're putting on some sort of show. I think you've got to think a little bit more American than that. It's a gun. They're shooting. No, no, no. So in South Dakota, they've got an ice rink. And there's a big audience.

And in the middle, they've got. $5,000 worth of single dollar bills spread across and the teachers are kind of wrestling each other to pick up as many of those dollar bills and shove them into the air. Oh, my God! It's a dash for cash like an FM breakfast radio promotion. They've got five minutes and a cheering audience

to make sure those kids have a future. And is there a sort of sniper, you know, at the top of the ring? Some weird horrible robotic doll that's turning around. Hang on, so is the money for the school? Or is it to supplement their mega wages? No, for the schools. You've got to be kidding me. It's not even their money.

So the teachers plan to use the money for flexible seating, such as standing desks, or document cameras so they could upload lessons online. Why on earth weren't the kids made to dash for cash? Because that would have been, you'd get high ratings for that. Get Charles's kids in there. Yeah. Well, I mean, now we know what to do in Australia. You seem to have a great idea, Dom. I mean, knowing places like South Dakota, this whole idea was probably like,

like invented by some sort of strip club owner. The best way to fund education is by putting $5 bills in the garters of the various teachers. That does actually make sense because presumably strip club owners would have an excess of $1 bill. I'm just concerned. Alexa, you said that it was in the middle of a skate rink. Yes. How many casualties were there? So, I mean, I didn't watch the whole thing.

I honestly couldn't bear to watch it. I got about probably $2,000 in. And 10 teachers started getting a bit tired. I feel like I wouldn't be able to wrestle for that long. I'm pretty sure someone would have died at some point. I'm genuinely considering going back into teaching. To how many teachers with it? There was just 10.

Just 10 die hard teachers. I mean, I think that the premise is just inherently unfair though because they're pitching your nerdy English teachers and math teachers against the PE teachers. The PE teachers are 100% going to come out on top. So suddenly the PE teachers get all the fun. funding. And they've already got enough funding in the States.

You know what the problem is that if you did in Australia, they'd be coins, wouldn't that? We don't have one dollar notes. You'd have a lot of coin. They'd be really hard to pick up off the ice. Let's be real. I left teaching because it was a whole lot of complaining. It was a whole lot of people being like, oh, I work so hard.

So I think that next time the teachers of Australia do decide to go on strike, this should be a wake-up call to them to realize that they could always have it worse. Yeah, yeah, that's right. They're skating on thin ice. The Chaser Report. More news. Less often. So following that incredible sporting story from Alexa,

I thought I'd follow it up with a bit more sporting news, another sporting controversy. We love a sporting controversy, whether it's NRL or cricket or... Yeah, I mean, I assume there's going to be heaps of scandals throughout the cricket season as they usually is. I'm looking forward to it.

I mean, I thought they got off to a good start with the Tim Payne's dick pick. Like, it's hard to know where they can go. from there. I've got faith in Dave Warner to answer that question for you. Well, I've got an update from the high octane sporting world of the Saudi Arabian camel beauty pageant. What?

Yeah. But look, it was supposed to just be a nice, organized and respectful camel beauty pageant, but unfortunately there were some cheaters. Oh, you're kidding? No, no, not at all. In fact, of the several hundred camels that were entered in the competition, 40 were disqualified because they had enhanced looks.

Oh no. Oh, no. What is that like hump implants? Yeah, well, it's all about the humps. It's all about... Is it really? Yeah, so tons of these camels. I would have thought it'd be like the eyelashes.

Oh, the lips. So collaging in those beautiful camel lips. So what happened was 40 camels were disqualified for using Botox in the lips to get a nice relaxed camel face. Some of them were disqualified for makeup and artificial implants on the eyelashes. Yes, see, I agree with that. Because if you have long eyelashes on a camel, it's just hard to resist.

They're just far more alluring. Definitely. And the worst one was the use of rubber bands to accentuate humps. Oh, gosh, that would be painful. If you're wondering why on earth so many people were cheating in a kind of camel beauty pageant, try and guess what the prize money was? $5,000 was... All in $1 bills and the camels don't fight over it in the middle.

You get to keep your camel? Is it Saudi Arabia? Yes. Okay, it'll be something absurd, won't it? It'll be like $10 million or something. An oil well. Yeah, yeah. Almost.

It'll be, you won't be chopped up into little pieces next time you visit their embassy. You'll actually be allowed to leave the country. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's the most valuable prize of all. The prize was $66 million. What? I'm beginning to feel that Saudi Arabia is not a lovely society. There's some problems there.

That's the sense that I'm getting. So how much of flights to Saudi Arabia at the moment? Have you got an extra camel? Australia's meant to have some of the best camels in the world. Oh, and they're wild. Just go and lasso a camel, Charles, and take it to Riyadh. We are renowned for our sexy camels. It's true.

We actually export, we do, we export camels to Saudi Arabia. Which is ironic because actually our camels originally come from Afghanistan. But ours have not been interbred. We've got like the purest camels. Yeah, we've got Aryan camels. I'm not sure we should be conditing the trafficking of camels. These camels have rights. They've got, although it is $66 million.

$66 million basically trumps all rights or human. You could traffic me for $66 million. Well, the Charles Firth rule of thumb is anything over $10 million, I'll do anything, basically. Well, Charles, bend over and let's get you a hump implant. Our gears and rode microphones are part of the ACAS, creator network. Bring your own camel. I've just found camel Instagram. Oh, my God.

This website you really want to check out is called Only Camels.