The Chaser Report - Alan Joyce Received $21Million, But Our CEO Got...

Episode Date: September 21, 2023

Happy 78th birthday Charles! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gatigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report with Charles and Dom. My name is Lachlan and I'm a very happy boy because I have a very special announcement for you, dear listener. Yesterday was the 21st of September, which to all who observe is the birthday of a very special boy, Charles Firth. Whoa, congratulations, Charles. Now I asked Dom and Charles

if they're able to record something today for today's episode because we're a daily podcast and this is what Dom sent me. Charles has flatly refused to work today because it's his 78th birthday. Happy birthday, Charles. Really, in any other organisation

that would get you sacked. But let's be frank at this point, the chaser barely counts as an organisation. So there you go. please wish Charles Firth a very happy birthday. If you haven't got him on Twitter or Instagram, you can always email him at Firth.Charth atchalzatjel.com or you can call him at 0419282-188.

I am allowed to give that information out. And if you want his address, DM me. Podcast atchaser.com and you could send Charles a little birthday gift. Speaking of gifts, I thought that in Louever, a proper episode, it would be nice to show that here at Chase the Report, we're one big, happy family and we love giving each other little gifts. So here is an episode from a Christmas special that Charles Dom and I all recorded together where we sat down and we gave Charles some gifts and we gave Dom some gifts. And I was there as well and I, you'll hear what I got. I am still waiting on the

soft serve that Charles promised me in the end. There you have it, folks. Go and wish Charles a happy birthday. He's a very, very good boy, and he's probably still blowing out all 78 of those birthday candles. Here's an ad, and then the episode. Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore? Fizz is 100% online, so you can make the switch in minutes. started at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply. Details at fizz.ca.

Hello, and welcome to The Chatsy Report. I'm Charles Firth, and with me today, as always, is Dom Knight. Hello. And our producer, Lachlan Hodson. Oh, thank you, Charles. Nice to be in the studio instead of in my little box. Why are you dressed as Santa? What's going on?

Why am I dressed as Santa? Look, after Movember that we all did this year, I thought I'm going to keep it going and grow it all the way down. How did you make it white? Sulfur. Sulfur, I think the stress of working with us is turned off and say,

white is it through his chief stress. Like Barack Obama. You're the Barack Obama of the podcast. I noticed that since working here, my widow's peaks have come in and I'm really hoping that it stops here for the year of having four bald men work on this podcast.

And do you casually walk around dressed as Santa the whole of December? Is that how it works? So what, why? Just December. No, no, no. I start in July. That's right.

And what, like, does that attract, like, it doesn't, it doesn't help with my, my parole. Yeah, right. Yeah. I didn't know how to politely. No, no, no, I thank you for skirting over it. So what's the occasion? What's the occasion? Why are we all?

I've gathered us all here today. And what are all these presents on the table? As you can see, there's, there's presents on the table. There's a miniature Christmas tree. There's cheese. We've got cheese. and crackers. He's got a bottle of wine.

Oh, hang on a second. Looking under the tree there, there's two presents, but there's three of us. Charles, I think we've got to get, like one. Okay, quick, can he quickly? Okay, just hold on one seat. I can't believe that two years in a row, I brought all of my lovely workers some Christmas gifts, and I've been paid back. Well, I will see how I get paid back.

No, well, why don't we go first? I thought we'd solve. problem by not paying Loughlin what's in the box I've made this very convenient last year I bought all of the interns

a little Christmas gift I got them a defamation emergency defamation case kit with a bottle of wine and a sign saying that I'll be their fall guy but now that they're not here I could actually spend more

on gifts for you guys so you guys are getting mathematically twice as much money spent and then build back to the company I'm so pleased that you seem to be independently wealthy, Loughlin.

Well, how about we crack into these? Charles, do you want to... I've got this one here for you. I wrapped these in the office and told you both to blindfold yourselves. So he's given it a little shade of shaking it. Is it breakable? I'm assuming...

Actually, be careful. Yeah, yeah, okay. A little breakable. That doesn't look like an avocado, an inflatable avocado. Well, see, well, it's certainly not inflatable. Inflatable avocado would be a really good present,

and you can buy yours at to chastashashop.com. I'm like, what the fuck? Charles, I wanted to get you something that I knew you would need. Oh my God, I picked that. It's an avocado. But instead of an affidable avocado, it's an avocado money bank. That is genius.

Have a go at saving. Have a go, because I think it's about time that you had an actual go at it, Charles. Charles, just have a look inside. Let's just see if the money bank is empty, as it shall remain. throughout its time with you. Yeah. Does it come empty? Or is there some money in there that you can

fritter away and then... It's currently got all of the money that we've made from the avocados that we've been selling. It says Avo go at saving. And the avocados smiling because it hasn't met Charles yet. That is beautiful. There is love...

There you go, Charles. That's really thoughtful. That's how you do it, you know. Lachlands observed you up close. He said, what's the thing you're worst at, saving? What's the way I can make this? a witty reference to the year and avocado.

That's so thoughtful. Also a witty reference to 2018 when the avocado joke first started. Was it that late? Yeah, I think it was. I just almost make some wish we'd actually put some thought into a give for you, Lachlan. Well, I don't know. You guys have still got time on the clock. We've got a present, Dom.

Oh, okay. All right, all right. But before we open your amazing present for me, Dom. Yeah, there's a bigger one. Mine's bigger than Charles's. Yours is a lot bigger than Charles's. I'm bigger than Charlie. You might notice it's a bit cold if you feel it

because I've got to make up for some past sins here. I hope that this is... What have we got? It's something that's looking like it's edible. This might actually be useful. What the hell? Coles as finest, it's a Christmas ham. Now, people who listen to the podcast won't even know this,

but Dom, what was the grievous... sin last year revolving Christmas hair. Oh, yes. It was unfortunate, really. It was unfortunate. Dan Illich had sent a ham to the office. Very generously, a large hand. Very generous.

Yeah, lovely. That we were going to, to split amongst the team. But it was technically addressed to me based on a joke between us. Oh. Yeah, it did, it kind of had my name on it. And I'd, there'd been a whole conversation about, is anyone going to take it? What's going on? And everyone sort of got on holiday.

So I said, okay, great. Well, I'll take it to my. family Christmas, you know, up the coast, we're having 20 people, that kind of thing. I drove the car in here on the way up the coast to collect the ham from the fridge, only to discover that it had been liberated by Alexa. The filthy communist thought he could take everything.

In his least funny prank, in the year. Isn't it because we said, Alexa, you should take this ham. Nobody else wants it, wasn't it? The unfortunate miscommunication was, we thought, because Don's family, of course, is vegetarian. So we thought, oh, you thought I was joking. We thought you were, we thought you were serious that they were vegetarian.

We were like, oh, well, I guess Dom's not going to enjoy it. So, so, Dom. Can you imagine how much a non-vegetarian and a family of vegetarians enjoys a ham? I know. Well, I can now because I, it's been a year, and I haven't forgotten about this horrendous offense that we put on to you. That's very thoughtful of you. So, Dom, please have a Christmas ham. Should I now take it and give it to Alexa?

Yeah, well, he's already, I think he's actually already ate the other rest of it. Yeah, no, that's, that's fine, that's fine. I'll just look at it briefly, shall I, before it goes away and I never. That's very thoughtful of you, Lachlan. I mean, I'm now vegetarian, so I can't eat it, and I'm actually disgusted by this dead bit of pig. Do you know how they kill these pigs? Have you watched a video of what they do to these pigs? I've walked through Pitt Street Mall and seen people show videos, yeah.

Have you ever had a bolt cutter? No? Shoot a bolt through your head? Have you ever had that? How do you think that feels? Does that feel festive? I've seen. That feel Christmassy?

Oh dear. Oh, no. Well, okay, what we can do is, um, dead already. Charles, Charles, you've got an avocado. Dom, you'd like the avocado. Oh, yeah, we could swap. We just do a gift switch. We swore.

And Charles can have the ham. I'm joking about being. Oh, I'm so, I am quite glad. Okay, now, that's very thoughtful. I will have a tiny morsel and then send the rest to Alex's Communist Collective. So, we've also got some cheese here. and crackers and wine that we can have a little snack. That's so thoughtful of you.

This is really nice. But we didn't forget about getting you a gift. No, it was Charles's top priority actually today. Yeah. To get a good gift for Lachlan. And so what I did was... I'll close my eyes again. I did this last year.

My eyes closed. There you go. Whoa, that sounds like someone's wrapping it before I speak. Okay. Oh, oh, it's weighty. That's nice. This is nice. And look, it's the same wrapping papers.

The avocados the avocado came in. Wow. And... I know that I love recycling. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is good. This is a good start. Shall I open it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, let's see what they've got me. I'm so glad you reused the paper. Oh, my guy, you shouldn't have. I know. Thank you so much. They've bought me a mug that has the Chaser logo. The Chaser logo.

And then it's got my seventh favorite chaser member that says Charles Firth on the mug. Charles, Dom, thank you for putting this together and getting this for me. It's dirty. Sorry, it's not washed. Oh, oh, my goodness. It's got coffee grounds in it. Charles, you've already put coffee in the mug for me. That's amazing.

It was very special, especially. I'll put some wine in it. That's authentic saliva from one of the founders of the chaser. And indeed, if you look at the marketing for his tour, I think it was the creative force, or the creator of the chaser, or something in the current. marketing campaign. But if you look at his Wikipedia page, it's whatever I've updated it to now. Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore. FIS is 100% online, so you can make the switch in minutes.

Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply. Details at fizz.ca. The Chaser Report. Less news. More often. so thoughtful. Look, I'd love to say at this time that it's just been such an excellent year of working with you both and the incredible content we've produced and just the amazing organisation. I can't say that, but I'd love to be able to say that it's been another classic year of podcasting fun. Thank you, John.

So should we open the cheese? Yeah, that's open. Let's have some cheese. And so, like, if we're in Christmas spirit. Oh, so many highlights. Like, there's a time we said we'd go to the Central West and do a bunch of live shows there and didn't. Yeah.

That was one of my highlights. And I know, Emily, if you're listening, it's not that we didn't want to, it's just that we didn't want to enough. And what is the plan, Lockland, over summer? Like, are we going to put out some best-of episodes? Are we going to work through? We're just going to power through and just keep podcasting

until they take the microphones away from us. One of us will be powering through. I think what we're going to do is we're going to put together a couple of best-of episodes. We're going to have some of our best interviews of the year, Oh, including with Grace Tame and Adam Bent and Ronnie Salt and... Are there any that are funny? Look, they are indicative of the podcast but not exhaustive. I love Grace.

Don't get me wrong. She was a fantastic interviewer twice now. She's a remarkable and inspiring. Oh, yeah. Just as a festive conversation? Oh, no. So those episodes, sorry, thank you for getting me to clarify. Those episodes are coming out over a couple of weeks in January.

January, and also towards the end of the year. So we're going to have the best of interviews and the best of Chaser Report segments. I'm really looking forward to. We've got one episode together that's just all of the producer notes in one episode. That's coming out on the 31st of December. Yeah, I definitely think you should try and end of the year. Definitely bother editing those together because people are definitely going to want to enjoy those. But, yeah, and any other favorite moments, the things that...

I mean, you guys might like that. Well, you sent around that email saying, what are the highlights of this year? Yeah, and the list is still very blank. I didn't apply. I couldn't think of any. Well, I couldn't think of lots of great podcast moments, but it just wasn't without podcast, that's all. Oh, well, maybe that should be what we do for our best of.

Yeah, we just go, and don't you remember the time Kanye West came on the podcast? Oh, dear. Oh, look. It was nice, genuinely nice during the election campaign to have so much of the team backed. Yes, lots of us in the same room again for the first time in years, and we haven't done it since. Just a brief period of getting together.

And to me, that really reminded me of just how enjoyable it is to have the old friends and the creative kind of spark. It'll never happen again. It was a one-off. And I think the group's basically done. But nevertheless, it was a really beautiful moment that I'll cherish forever. And, yeah, it's actually a bit sad to think about the potential of what might have been but um it was a good week it was a good week it wasn't it was a

well you're forgetting dom ever and got back together in briefsports again went right after that we went live for for four weeks remember that you guys remember we went live this year we were going to do the low light so you guys want to remember the actual nights of themselves you definitely remember the searing headaches the next day Hmm. That's true. Those were certainly the drunkest moments of the podcast. The idea is, though, because last year we actually did a whole lot of episodes through January. Oh, yeah, we recorded all the war stories. People loved it, but nobody actually listened to it, right?

If you bought a near missus during this summer, go back and listen to the last summer's episodes. Honestly, the war stories, if you're a fan of the Chastis War and everything, there were wonderful conversations about some of the best moments we had, we just can't be fucked doing it again because there weren't enough listeners. And we actually need a break, so we're not going to do that. So we're just going to come back in February and we'll be rejuvenated. We've got a little plan going, which is we want to start focusing a little bit on America. So we'll do four episodes a week that is, you know, focusing on the news cycle here in Australia.

Yeah. And then the fifth episode each week will be looking at all the different things that are going on in America. Yeah. With the idea that, you know, we're coming, it's getting closer to the 2020. and we're sort of positioning ourselves so that we can actually, you know, have some good commentary on the American election in 18 months' time. Yeah, I mean, don't compare it to Chaz's much more detailed

and long and informed podcast. That's like two hours an episode. You don't want it. That's going to be much shorter. We could make them three hours. But I think also what we're going to try and do is cultivate some American correspondence. and get people who actually know what they're talking about over in America who are funny.

That's not how you do it. The way you do it is you sit here in Australia and you talk about American. No, no, it's great. It's very exciting. I mean, we're very into American politics. And frankly, there's not as much to talk about in Australia at the moment. Things are kind of boringly stable. So let's lean into America because God knows if there isn't America left by 2024.

I'm now realizing why you guys rejected all of my requests for leave over January. because I assume I'm organising. Oh, yes, okay, cool, cool. I just want to say as well, I've had a good time, good year doing this little producing thing with you. And I want to say from the bottom of my sincere heart that I do love you both. I'm a big fan of the company

and the stuff that you guys have done. And the listeners who do listen to this podcast reflect that. Thank you for your... Is what we've been conditioned into thinking. Yeah, thank you for your chipper attitude no matter what abuse you've suffered. I don't know how you do it, I wish I could.

And for having so few other employment projects. It's really been very positive. And I assume this is the point at which you tell us that the cheese was poisoned that we just ate. No, that's good cheese. That's good cheese. I don't joke around when it comes to cheese. No, triple cream cheese. Given the Andrew Hanson here.

Have you thought of investing in the chaser? No, no, I've thought of invoicing the chaser. That's for sure. Yeah, that might have been paid for a while. Lockland Hodgson, you're a wonderful producer. You've done a great job. I'm cutting that out. You really have, and it's so hard to get any genuine praise out of us,

and you're definitely not going to get us. And you know what I'm going to give you for Christmas, really, sincerely? Is it a Dom Knight Chaser mug? Not my own. I'm not going to give you my old copy. I'm going to give you a soft serve. Actually, are you kidding? I'm giving you a soft serve.

Are you for real? This is not to get that one Twitter account off of your back. It's about seven hundred days. This is this weird, terrible Twitter account that keeps demanding that we buy interns a soft serve. Charles? Is you for real? Yeah. Can I get it on this?

I'm happy to go halves if it's a McDonald's one that costs 30 cents. Are they still 30 cents? No, they're 85 cents. All right. I'll buy you an 85 cents off serve. We'll go halves in it. We'll go halves in it now. Guys, I'm going to cry.

Thank you. That's very sweet. Our gear is from Roe. We're part of the Acast Creator Network. Get you later. Don't soft serves have like salmonella in them? Oh, well, I'll tell. Well, especially if we leave it for long enough.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Ish. Charles, is this the point where we're telling him he doesn't have a job in 2023? What? That's the Happy New Year episode. We need him to edit these up first.

Okay. Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. take being on hold anymore. FIS is 100% online, so you can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply. Details at fizz.ca.