The Chaser Report - Alarmist Climate Scientists Weren't Alarmist Enough

Episode Date: April 9, 2024

Charles tells Dom he has good news about the climate. If you've been with the podcast for any length of time, then by now you will know that Charles having "good news" means that something absolutely terrible is about to be shared. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gadigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser of Report. Hello, and welcome to The Chase Report with Dom and Charles. Hello, Charles. How are you? Well, I'm pretty good, but the climate is not. Oh, Charles, it's been so warm. It's unseasonably warm. I suppose we should now say it's seasonably warm. It's lovely and hot.

Baking hot, really. I love it. Is winter gone forever? Well, sorry, what's winter? Oh, I don't remember when we were young? Used to be chilly in the middle of the year. We used to dress up in, like, thick coats. Yes. I've worn a coat today just to sort of bring back the memories. No, exactly.

The thing is, so it's all a little bit alarming. So for the 10th month in a row, the planet has been, have the hottest month ever of that on record. Record breakers. So it's like 10 months straight. Yep. There's a great graph that ABC news published yesterday, which is just all the, you know, basically. basically all the months, right? And you get to about June 2023, and suddenly it's like, you know, before that it was like

second warmance month ever, fourth warmest month ever, second warmest month ever. And then from June 22, 23 onwards, it's just warmest, warmest, warmest, warmest. We're on a roll, baby. We're on a fucking roll. And the great thing about that is, okay, so you think that's nice. Yeah. Because it's just unseasonably nice. Or in summer, unseasonably unnice.

But, or seasonably not un-nice, whatever. Anyway, point is, no, no, but this is the point, which is that not only is that sort of causing a bit of alarm because, you know, climate scientists like to cause alarm and everything. But this great thing happened down in Antarctica. I don't know whether you saw it. No. Which is they had a, you know, like in the last week or so,

their temperature has been 40 degrees higher than the average for that type of, that time of year. Did you say 40? 40. Right. 40 degrees. 40 degrees. 40 degrees Celsius.

40 degrees Celsius higher than normal. Okay. And the point that was made, I was actually reading a British account of this problem, right? Which is that say you're Britain and that happens to you. And your, you know, your population, you know, your normal summer is like 15 degrees or something Celsius, right? And your population starts dying when it reaches about 10 degrees. 28 degrees Celsius, because you're all a fucking bunch of whims, right? If in Britain that happened, it would be like 60 degrees Celsius at the moment.

And the entire population would die because there's such cowards. I told you climate change was going to have some upside. The whole of Britain would bake. It would be a great British bake off. But imagine if the heavens in Australia, because, you know, I mean, our average summer, Denverton now is about 30 or something. So it's going to be 70 degrees. Bloody legends, that's what we'd be.

It would be quite hard to play cricket, is my concern. What SPF would you need? What SPF would you need? About a thousand? I think a thousand. You'd basically just cake every inch of skin with zinc, wouldn't you? Yeah, zinc. Just like wall to wall zinc.

So we're going to go through some of the stats, which are hilariously terrible. The ABC described it as the predictions have failed ugly. Failed ugly? Yeah, so the point being, the climate science has got a completely wrong, but they got it wrong by being too conservative in their predictions. Seriously? Yeah, yeah. So everyone's going, oh, it's warmism

and alarmism. No, no. They were too conservative. The alarmism is not alarmist enough. Okay. Wonderful. Wonderful. We're going to go through that. We're also going to go through some of the consequences and some of the technologies that they're now using.

Because just last week, they started a whole lot of environmental engineering in the U.S. Exciting. They unveiled a wet mirror. So we'll get into that straight after this. Okay, so just rewind to Antarctica being 40 degrees warmer than it's meant to be. The great concern, of course, is that if we don't do something about climate,

glaciers will start melting and things will start, well, I mean, continue to melt, right? We know that a lot of glaciers have been carving and splitting off. You know, there was an iceberg down in Melbourne. What was doing there? There was an iceberg. Yeah, it came as short. in, like, St Kilda Bay or something. Well, that would have been a nice day at St. Kilda Beach, I would have thought.

Oh, an iceberg. That's actually pleasant compared to normal. Exactly. It was actually warmer. But you can see what all the glaciers kind of carving off. Yeah, and they're floating up to St. Kilda. I don't know where it was. So, I mean, it's improving the view from the Victorian coast that I get.

But in terms of actually trying to keep the entire world from flooding, that doesn't seem like a good thing if 40 degree temperatures higher in Antarctica. Like, what ice would even be left after? that. Look, Dom, you're so depressive about all these things. I am. I am. You just got to think, like, I've looked at the figures. Yeah. And if you look at the

predictions, it's going to be like mid-century before the rising. But sure. That's just our children left to deal with that. That'd be all right. I'm not planning on living that long. It is true that Tuvalu is rapidly sinking and has actually just in the last week or so

implemented a new, have you heard about this, there's this new thing in their constitution, which is called, oh, fuck, what's it called? It's called permanent, they're like, I can't remember what the concept's called, but it's, they are permanently claiming the rights to the land and the fishing rights underneath and around that land, even though they know that in, you know, maybe a couple of decades, it's all going to be gone. All right.

So even when Tavallu's underwater, they're going to own that little bit of ocean? Like, are they planning to put stilts and build a whole civilisation on stilts? Well, no, this is the thing. It's way too complicated. Now, they're looking, they're actually transitioning. The president is transitioning the whole nation to the idea that they're going to be a virtual nation. So you know how they own the dot TV? Oh, yes, the most valuable asset.

Domain name, you know, like the ending. Dot TV. That's going to be essentially the cornerstone of their economy. Australia has agreed to let in 250 Tavaluans a year as essentially climate refugees, right? How generous of us? No, that sounds ungenerous, right? But I was talking to a Pacific Islands expert who was saying, no, no, it is actually completely generous. Because guess how many people live in Tavalu?

How many? 10,000. Right, so it's actually 2.5% of the population per year can come in. It's basically going to, you know, very quickly depopulate. do we get the dot TV domain or do they get to keep that indefinitely because that's that's valuable stuff no no well this is the whole thing is it's going to be this thing where these people will disperse around the world but they'll still have the sort of the vibe rights over the vibe rights and and the really interesting thing is that just last week Singapore said that it was

going to implement a similar thing in their constitution so the whole world is moving to this idea that well we're all going to start sinking because if you think about it Singapore, oh, it's an island, yeah, yeah. It is an island, it's actually the marshland. It wasn't the sort of, a lot of it's reclaimed. Yeah, a lot of its reclaim. And they didn't reclaim it high enough. All this effort went into reclaiming.

And they did it as though they should do it at three meters higher. That would have been fine. So, but it does raise the question of how will Tuvalu enforce their ride over that fishing land? Let's say you sink, right? Yeah. So you don't actually have, you don't have a Navy anymore. No. Because there's no base.

You don't have. We've presumed they've got a few boats. You don't have any place to sort of administer it from except from other countries. All you do is you sell it to China to build one of those fantastic naval bases. Oh, the naval base. They'll build stuff on stilts. Yes. And I mean, I'm sure Tavalli can technically on it, but China can lease it and have a base even closer to Australia.

Fantastic result for us. Actually, it's funny that you should mention that because you know where all the science that Tavalu is basing or their decision making on comes from. Where? It actually comes from that very very. very, very progressive, that sort of left-lefty institution, which is the Department of Defense in the U.S. Really? The U.S. Department of Defense, because they actually still control and own a whole lot of

atolls in the Pacific, and they do basically base, they do testing there. I mean, they used to do nuclear testing, obviously, but they still have sort of naval bases throughout the Pacific on these atolls. And so they've done an extensive research project looking at what's going to happen to these adults. And the answer is, well, they're all going to sink. And so that's where all these other Pacific nations are going, well, actually, we're just going to rely on the science of those lefty environmentalists, the Defence Department of the US government. So are you saying that the American kind of colonialist project of having all these atolls? Yes. It's all going to go

underwater. It's all, well, it's all a bit of a greeny front. Very sad, isn't it? Poor old American defence. But I have to just rely on sort of garrisoning troops elsewhere. I think one of the things that they've realized is, so you can go down the China path of just concreting essentially. Actually, will any of China's New Islands be underwater as well? A lot of the Chinese New Islands weren't ever islands. They were beneath the surface level and they're almost like oil rigs, right? Like they've invented whole tracts of land.

The problem is apparently it's not concrete. doesn't make for a great place to sort of grow crops. No, it's not so good for the fish and the coral. So, you know, you say to Tavalu, hey, why don't you just, you know, put some concrete pillars up and that's how you save your nation? It doesn't really work like that because your water table already in Kiribati, Tavali, there's a whole lot of nation, Vanuatu, I think, suffering from the fact that you have a rising table level.

So nothing can grow in your country because it's got salt. Because it's got, it's basically salt water. Your whole water table is salt water. So is the Australian government going to do with now? I'm just imagining the Australian government leaving people there as the sea level slowly rises and the cells go underwater. Yes. Is that our national policy?

That's our Pacific solution. The Pacific will solve for us. The Pacific final solution. Oh, God. Oh, God. Hey, look, that's the policy. Yeah, that is the policy. Now, the thing is, Dom, I'm basing this report of the very extensive ABC news report.

It's actually like a 20-page report. Yeah, you've done it. It's not that you've done some research, but someone else has and you've printed it out. They'll worry well done. Unfortunately, though, my printer fucked up and it didn't get past printing the, what are the possible explanations.

Oh, that's a terrible place to stop printing. So I can't actually discuss why this is all happening. So just to give this the context that the ABC gave it, which perhaps explains a little more, the world has had record high temperatures and we don't know why, like even relative to climate change. Yeah, no, that's right. This could be like alien invasion.

for all they know. None of their models are working. So, I mean, but the graphs are spectacular. I guarantee you should look up. Just Google Antarctica this time of year, right? So you've got these graphs where these, you know, alarmist climate scientists who've spent, you know, 30 years making predictions and refining their models and getting them so that they match the curves. And you know how when you're making predictions, you have these sort of cone like, you know, scenarios where, you know, you sort of have a range of probabilities, right? And then on these graphs now, because it's now 40 degrees higher than it was. And, you know, climate's supposed to move up by like one degree here, one degree there.

This year, it's actually be 1.26 degrees on average. But 40 degrees. I mean, the graph is ridiculous. It just goes boom, boom, like that. It completely falls outside all the models. They've broken the models. We've always said, Charles, climate models were rubbish and you couldn't trust them. I know.

They're just alarmism. We should have been watching and listening to Sky News all this time. We should have just gone, put it up by 40 degrees. This is down my head in. Let's take a break, just to allow the sea level to rise a little bit more before we got on to part two. The Chaser Report, news you can't trust. So then the last really good piece of news,

just from a comedy perspective, not really from a planet perspective, is the whole golf stream thing. Oh, you've been interesting this first. I know, the Gulfstream. So what's it called, the Omec or whatever it is? So there's... The circulator. Yeah, the circulator, which is hilarious because it's collapsing.

It's not collapsing. It's decreasing in speed quite rapidly. And that's the stuff that actually moves salt water around the oceans. Because what happens is it gets to the equator. All the water evaporates into clouds, making the water at the equator more salty. It then sinks and goes... Oh, no, it's warm. It's floating and it goes up, you know, into, you know, the northern Atlantic, so, you know, near England and Iceland and places like that.

I wish you could see Charles gesturing as he explains. It's very informative. And as it gets colder, it sinks and it mixes up the salt water and brings salt water to the top end. And meanwhile, the freshwater gets displaced and goes back down south. And so it circulates and actually can. keeps the thing mixing. If that slows down too much, it'll actually just get slower and slower more and more quickly because it's actually a self-fulfilling thing. Like it's, it's actually, like that process is itself a sort of circular feeding into it itself. Anyway,

point is, the great news is that the Gulf Stream is unlikely to collapse, even if that whole OMEX system does collapse, right? So you're still going to have. You're still going to have, a golf stream, it'll just mean that it's a lot less potent, which means that essentially England will become uninhabitable. Oh, I'm wondering where you go. That's a very, very long way to explain that England is going to become even more unpleasant. Do you remember the movie the day after tomorrow? Yeah.

Yeah, that's what we're doing. Right. So are you saying that even though there's global warming, yes. England will become uninhabitably cold. Which you'd have to say, you know, in the range of, if you had to sort of come up with What would happen to England? How will England's weather get worse?

I mean, with the greatest sympathy to everyone in the UK if this is going to happen. It is to be the one place that's rendered freezingly cold when the rest of the world bakes. It does seem extremely English. So there was all these reports a few weeks ago saying Gulfstream will probably collapse in 2025. And then the conversation, that wonderful journal that comes out of Australia, which is, you know, committed to fact-checking. The website full of stuff from universities. Yeah, yeah.

It's all academic-y stuff. It said it was completely irresponsible for people to say that everything was going to collapse because it's not going to collapse. It's just going to greatly weaken. Sure. And that all saying it will collapse does is make everyone really depressed and not want to do anything about anything. But I think the point is that what's the difference if all these fucking academics can't even do a graph that turns out correctly anyway? Like, shouldn't, isn't the sensible thing at this point to actually buy into the alarmism because the alarmism is not alarming enough?

I think the sensible thing to do at this point, Charles, is to buy a house in Antarctica. It should be the loveliest place in the world to have a nice, pleasant climate, probably in the mid-20s, and the rest of the world is baking. Yeah, you're right. We'd have to change the rules about whether or not you can build there, but I was imagining, you know, a nice little three-bedroom cottage in the middle of Antarctica. Isn't Antarctica mostly ice? Well, it won't be by then.

No, but I think it's just ice. Oh, so once it's gone, it's just going to... I don't think there's tundra underneath it. All right, okay, fine. I'm buying the sea rights to Antarctica. Once it all melts. We should claim the sea rights. The Australian Antarctic territory.

Like Tavalu does. Yes, exactly. The permanent and irrevocable rights. Have a little floating house down there. It can be the only thing that survives. This isn't good. So can you, but do you must have a, do you have a nice, can you, can you, can you have any good news? Like, oh, fucking hell.

And just notice, it's actually an average of 2.12 degrees Celsius above historical average over the last three months. I can end it with a positive thought to try and artificially manufacture a positive note, even after all this gloom and desolation. No, no, no, no. But we're taking the Nietzsche approach, Dom. We don't need an artificial good thing. We're actually, Nietzsche said that the most important thing to do is be deprecise. be sad, be realistic about the world, because actually, you know, the fact that there's nothing

and, you know, the whole thing is just this nihilistic... Oh, embrace the void. Embrace the void. Embrace the void. It actually gives you a reason to get up in the morning because nothing matters. Where Tuvalu is now, I'm going to embrace that void. And I'm going to embrace the void after Antarctic a melt. I'm going to head down there. I'm going to get one of those, you know, floating sort of daybeds.

Yes. And just enjoy the end of the world. I'll tell you what, though. How surprises in Antarctica are soaring. They're up 40 degrees. Those penguins are boomers, those little fucks. That's fucking penguin booms. Oh, and the worst thing is the jellyfish.

Have you heard about the jellyfish? No. Because they live for eternity. Do they? Yes, jellyfish. There's a breed of jellyfish down in Antarctica. Oh, I know the eternal jellyfish. All the little bits keep recycling.

Whenever it gets old, it goes through its adolescent phase again and recycles all that sells. I might try that. And I think lobsters are the site. There's lots of sea life that are basically lived forever. So you can't even inherit anything from them. The boomers will work out of way. Yeah.

They're going to do that before they pass anything on to any of us. They'll check themselves with jellyfish. Jellyfish boomers. Well, that was a depressing episode, Charles. On the bright side, there'll be another one tomorrow. Our gear is from Roe. We are part of the iconic class network. Yeah, catch you tomorrow.