The Chaser Report - Albo Announces Referendum Date

Episode Date: August 30, 2023

The PM has announced the date of the referendum, which means we now know exactly how many days are left before we learn what percentage of the country are racist idiots. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gatigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report with Dom and Dom, you're sitting in some sort of weird booth. Are they spotty-nosed students behind you? What's going on? Yeah, I'm just trying to find a quiet corner to record in. It's very challenging these days. There's students everywhere, just because this is some sort of university. I don't know what's going on.

And you're lecturing now, are you? Oh, God, let's not talk about that. What's your specialty? Tell us what your specialty is, Don. It's podcasting. I'm hoping you're out of the seasons to listen to this. Anyway, lots to talk about today. It's a huge day in the life of Australia.

We are going to know, at the end of today, the date on which the voice referend. No, no, we already know the date. We already know the date. This is the recording tomorrow. Haven't you done any podcasting research? You've got to pretend that you're broadcasting it on the date. Yes, we know the date for sure that Alvo has announced it earlier yesterday. Yesterday.

Yes, of course. Yes, Jesus. So we'll definitely talk about that, as well as, the top secret climate report on whether there's any national security implications to climate change. Yes. Apparently, it's so secret that we can't find out what it says. No. Which could mean any number of things, Charles. Oh, I wonder what it means.

And there's some feedback to our Trump episode, which we did. earlier in the week after this. A lot of great responses to our Trump episode. Kelly from Mr Australia suggested that she would buy all our unsold avocado pool toys if we promised to never talk about Trump ever again for the rest of the year. How many if you got left is my question. Well, so this is the amazing thing. I've been looked up how many of we got less.

Guess how many? I reckon there's. somewhere around 130. They're a nun. They're gone. I didn't even know. They're out of stock. If you wanted an avocado pool toy, but you were just waiting for them to, you know,

go on sale even further than they'd gone on sale, you're a fool. You're a fool because never again will they go on sale. You're definitely not ordering more of them. Please. Hang on. So you're telling me that your strategy of just talking incessantly about how shit they were. Yes. And then cutting the price, move them out the door.

I mean, it's a cultural artifact. People will, in hundreds of years time, say this is the worst piece of merchandising in the history of consumer products. So there you go. We won't talk about Trump as much, seeing as nobody seems to like it. Unless there's other people who think we should keep across the Trump story, I'm one of them. If you think we should focus on Trump more, email podcast at chaser.com. I mean, arguably Charles, arguably the chaser, known for talking about politics, should look at a coup in the United States. United States of America.

I mean, it's, you know, sometimes. But it's so depressing. I think it's better to just hush up about it. Oh, yeah, okay. Let's instead talk about something inspiring and wonderful. I'm talking about Australian politics. No, which brings us to the climate change report. So the government did a national assessment.

It's like a defense assessment of climate change. Dom, what did this incredible review reveal, Dom? It revealed that the Albanese government is quite willing to be. secretive about certain things. Despite promising to treat climate change as a national security issue, having done that, they're now saying, oh, it's far too, far too complicated national security. It's top secret. We can't tell you what it says. Yeah, yeah. I think this is the genius. No, this is the genius of it, right? They've gone, okay, we're going to treat, climate change is so important that we're going to treat it as a defense issue. And now they're just going, well,

it's a defense issue. It's top secret. We can't tell you anything about anything that's going to happen? Because they literally said they're refusing to even name the date at which the report was finished. That's the best bit about it. The best bit about it is they won't even say the time frame. Although Charles, at this exact moment, it's just been confirmed that the referendum will be on the 14th of October. Oh, what a surprise. Yesterday. Yesterday, they confirmed it was going to be the 14th of October at this time. Yeah. Well. So what does this report say? This is what we need to speculate about, Charles, where there's no evidence, speculation is invited. What do we think this thing says?

Oh, I think we know what it says, which is it's a complete disaster. We should leave the gas in the ground because every 0.1 of a degree means an extra 10 million people get chucked off their land. And that will largely happen first in the Pacific, which is our neighbours. The reason why you've got to keep it top secret is because if you want to be dressing up in Rio Tinto garb and going around talking about how great it is to pull coal out of the ground, you can't release any documents that say, actually, this is the fucking shittest idea in the world. Hang on, Chuck. And all the military commanders agree.

Are you detecting some sort of a conflict between literally wearing the uniform of a Rio Tinto employee with the word Anthony embroidered on it? Are you saying that is at odds with doing something about climate change? Charles, how do you think the climate's changing? This is how it works. Oh, I see. He's leaning in. out of climate changes.

It works. We can profit from climate change. Charles, you're not viewing this as a competition, right? The way you've got to think about this is, we're about to become one of the few places in the Pacific that's actually above the water. Yes, exactly. It's scarcity.

That makes it more valuable. That'll drive up land prices, which is something that we want. We want that. Unless they've got water views. I mean, it's not a good time to own water views in Sydney, but if you're on a hill, bloody great. I mean, the whole of Canberra is about to become one of the most desirable places in the whole Southern Hemisphere.

You know why? It's elevated. Look, the other, you know, because we don't know why they have kept it top secret. The other reason might be that it's a nothing burger. Oh, that's the other thing. They've decided actually. I'm sure Peter Dutton's going to take this approach. The ONA has gone, nothing's going to happen.

It doesn't matter. It's all a hoax. It's a climate hoax. It's warmism, is what it is. Yeah, warmism. And the thing is that the reason is that the reason. why they're keeping it secret is because the Anthony Albanese government is such a left-wing

bag of woke-wokophiles. They're doing too much. Yeah, they're doing too much about climate change and they want to hush it up. I think this is the reason. They want to hush up all the things that they're doing for the climate. And probably that's why he's in the Rio Tinto

outfit, right? Oh, because he knows it's a nothing burger. Yeah, because he's got a look as though he's... He's reversing it. He's setting himself up clearly our boat to be the anti-climate candidate in the next election. And what's going to happen, Charles, is that when on election eve, he'll come out and say, you know what was in that conventional report, climate change is a hoax, and we've already cancelled everything. And so it'll be very well set up because why else?

Because Charles, if the report said that climate change was real, the opposition is still so anti-climate that it would just be automatically the case that Labor would be the better party because they at least, they're committed to doing a small amount as opposed to nothing. So if it's a huge threat, doesn't a small amount win every election? But just talking seriously, I think it's very obvious that what the report says would be scathing of what the Labor Party is doing, which is gradualism. And it would be saying actually, and actually, in fairness to America, their defence assessments, especially about the Pacific, have been absolutely horrific, right?

They've gone, this is a complete disaster. They haven't done anything about it, but at least they've made it open that, you know, they see the Pentagon and the CIA see climate change is absolutely central to the next 50 years of sort of strategic imperatives. Now, you know, like I think that what it would be saying is actually Labor's gradualist approach is almost the worst of all worlds. Like you either take all the benefits of just, you know, becoming the Saudi Arabia and being this nation. But the worst thing is to sort of half-heartedly not sort of really do anything but not do enough, you know, and I think... Look like you're kind of doing something, so you're complacent. Yeah, exactly. So doing nothing actually makes the problem worse and more extreme.

That's a brilliant long-term strategy by the coalition, isn't it? Yes. They're the climate warriors in all this. They are. They know that no one's going to do anything until it becomes so terrible that we have awful bushfires and floods every year. And arguably we're there. But they wanted to go further. And then they're going to come in.

Peter Dutton's going to come in and say, we must act. It's unambiguous. It's gone so far. He's the warrior in all this. Albo is the one who doesn't want to do anything. It's clear. I've noticed that David Shoebridge has been going on about this. A friend of the show, David Shoebridge, he's a Greens MP.

And his whole thing is you won't even tell us the date that you completed this risk assessment, right? Do you think that's because he wants to do an F-O-I on it? And he needs that for the paperwork? Like, you know, like this document was created in, you know, December, It's quite funny because the concept is that if they want to know the date, does that mean that it gets so much worse in the past year and a half since Albo's been in government? It's just absolutely terrifying. But Charles, isn't it in the Greens' interest for it not to be released?

Isn't it good for the Greens to be able to say the government's concealing the true horror? No, but this... And you get more votes. Oh, I see. No, no, but this report, I think, will say the Greens are absolutely spot on. they are the people who have Australia's defence interests most of the heart. You know what I mean? So I can see what's being suppressed.

It's going to be a weird, weird thing where you go, actually, the Greens have got it right on matters of operational security of our nation. They're basically the lives of 2020. They're the new Libs, most of what you're saying. But imagine the national security implications. So I presume that the national security implications are actually nothing to do with the climate, right? It's to do with what happens if this report gets released.

Yes. And the Greens become a good on a party. Yes, that would be the assessment. And they take us out of our alliance with the US. They cancel Orcas. Yes. They basically hand out marijuana in the streets. Yeah, we get an extra $360 billion to spend on schools, roads and education.

When housing, all this housing stuff they're going to about? Housing. What's that going to do? It'll destroy Australia. That's not worries me about this. The property prices would plummet. This is why it's a national security threat. Our way of life, Charles.

Communism. This is the red threat. Our way of life is under threat. It's not. I mean, the greens are just watermelons, aren't they? They're underneath. They're all read. Absolutely.

I mean, imagine being a landlord. Imagine how worried you'd be that if this report gets out, the green is suddenly are credible. Well, I think they're credible on one. If they're credible on climate, Charles, maybe they're credible on other things. We can't risk that. And the thing is, you know, you've got to look at the response as well. Like these, I've done a lot of defence reports in my time.

And what you do, it's a dynamic, right? So the grains get into power, they start. handing out marijuana leaves for everyone to put in their piece pipes. Suddenly, you get the property owners of Australia rising up in a counter-revolution. You have, you know, a march of the boomers on Canberra. Oh, my goodness. That's horrifying. Mind you, that happens every sitting week, doesn't it? Yeah, that's true. That's true. It's very common, actually. They love the tours. They don't have to work because they own houses, so they're just getting rent. Yeah. A rent-seeking, I believe, is the term.

But you'd have bankers in the streets, you know, protesting against, I don't know, the fixed rent, you know, rates and all that sort of stuff. But the landlords would kick us all out of our rental properties, too. Wouldn't that they teach us a lesson? Oh, it would be class. So you don't like what we're doing to the economy. Try sleeping on the streets. Yes, and they'd still be able to get their negative getting. Although, no, the Greens would abolish negative gearing as well.

And then so even they'd chuck us out and then they wouldn't be able to claim the expenses on their tax bill. Oh, my God. That's very, very dark. I mean, this is dystopian. I think, you know, we need a novel written about this scenario. Yes. Well, we've got one from the Defence Department, but they won't release it. The Chaser Report.

More news. Less often. Well, talking of Rio Tinto and blowing up Indigenous side, let's talk about the voice. We know the date of it going down, don't we now? We can put it in the Sunday, the 15th. of October for a really happy day for the whole those who supported yes I've been talking to people close to the prime minister

and he's very confident that it will be voted on. Is he wearing a shirt that says yes? Because you've got to remember Anthony Albanese has only ever been a politician. He was a politician from about the age of 12. And so he thinks of everything

in terms of 33 day campaign cycles. So he's never He hasn't even started. He's never convinced anyone of anything except to vote for the correct way. And, you know, like, he doesn't see it in terms of, oh, we've got to convince people of a particular position. He sees it as this is an election campaign. We've got 33 days. Oh, I see what you're saying.

He's on to something, though, because it worked very well in the federal election. And I guess the point is, Charles, you wouldn't want to overestimate Australians' interest in anything. You wouldn't want them to. Yeah, exactly. That's his point. Yes. They've got 33 days, and frankly, that's too much for some. Yeah, and so you concentrate everything into this six-week period,

just like you would in an election campaign. You start having lots of inspiring ads. And the theory is that actually the nation will turn. And you'll have the right momentum at the right time. Like, you know, arguably the no campaign peaked way too early. That's what that's. Back in about the 1820s, 1830s, when they would have enjoyed, what, 99% but probably 100% support.

Yeah, definitely 100%. Because they weren't counting votes from Aboriginal people. Yeah, exactly. And, you know, looked at the long stretch of history, you're going to look back and you're going to go, well, actually support against giving Indigenous people a modicum of respect or voice within our system has been on a long-term decline.

And that's the mistake that the no campaign is making. Because all year, all year we've just been here, No, no, no, no, no, no, we've been hearing all these reasons. Peter Duncan's been out there. Warren Mundine's been out there. They've all been out there making their arguments. Lydia thought, they've been the only voices that we've really heard. We've been hearing voices.

Just those voices. But what more do they have to say? They're spent. Surely, Charles, they can't have even more extreme and far-fetched arguments up their sleeves than the ones we've already heard, can they? Oh, actually, they probably can. They'd probably also have 33 days worth of stuff to come, don't they? Look, it's not over till it's over.

I really don't think negativity is going to get us anywhere. I think the mistake that Alba has made is he thinks that this is some sort of, something that's been given to appease the left flank of the party and stuff like that. But actually, it's not because there are lots of people in the far left who are indigenous who oppose the voice, right? Sure. It really is very much a sort of centrist position where it's picking up. I mean, it's arguably doing Peter Dutton incredible harm because the teals, you know,

all support the voice and Peter Dutton has to get those teal seats back if he's ever going to be Prime Minister. And Charles, the Indigenous critics who point out that there's a good chance of Middle Australia going, well, we've given you the voice, job done, reconciliation now, Chief, let's move on to something else. That does sound like the Middle Australia I know. Yes, exactly. And the wonderful thing about the voice is, well, that may well be the case, but there'll be this independent advisory body to Parliament

who can go, well, hang on, I know that you were intending to forget about us. Yeah, we're here. You can't. And that's the whole brilliance of the boys. It suddenly solves the problem of, you know, what I think everyone, you know, in Australia, intends to do, which is to completely forget about it on the 15th of October. Charles, I've got a perfect solution to this. And you can pass this on to your friends in Alba's office.

Oh, yeah, yeah. It's what I call a win-win. I'll just ring Albo. It's fine. Yeah, just ring Albo. So if the voice wins, if the Yes campaign gets up and wins a majority of votes and the majority of states, great, victory for Albo. If it's, if no wins, you get up on Sunday, Prime Minister's courtyard, press conference, I've decided not to release the result of the referendum on national security grounds. Yes. You can't know the numbers.

Yes. It's completely classified. I'm not even going to tell you the date where the referendum took place. Everyone said the Prime Minister, that was yesterday. No, it wasn't. I can't confer on the dates. And lock up anyone who claims it is because clearly they've been leaked top secret information.

And he'll look like he's tough. It'll look like he's tough, just like he's tough on... Tough on referendums. Tough on facts about the climate. Yeah, tough on information. And tough on his critics, like the authoritarian that we love that are increasingly becoming popular around the world. So there you go.

Win, win for Albo. Who said it couldn't be done? Look, you're welcome, Prime Minister. Genius. Yeah, I'll text Albo right now and let me. let him know. And that text will become part of the National Security Records. Yeah, yeah. You just say you've done it and none will be able to prove you right or wrong. I like it. I mean, this whole tactic started ironically with Morrison. Remember when Morrison

became immigration minister? And he went, I can't comment on operational matters on the sea, right? On water matters. On water matters. It was on water. That made a secret. Yeah, Australia's on water. You can't talk about anything on Australia. Yeah. That's right. There you go. It's nice to see Morrison's legacy continuing to flower. It is. Because it's like elbow dressing up and Rio Tindo, where did he get that? Like that's directly out of the Morrison Playbook. Hi, Viz.

Charles, I must say, though, hasn't it been encouraging? I saw a news photo of Malcolm Turnbull campaigning alongside Tanya Plibersek for The Voice. Apparently now he doesn't think it's a third chamber of parliament. Oh, isn't that? No, he's not Prime Minister anymore. People can change, Charles, they can change. And then they can change back after they're no longer Prime Minister. Yeah, that works.

All right. Our gear is from road with part of the. on a class network. I guess that's it. October the 14th, we're all going to vote. Like it or not. To the barricades. See ya.