The Chaser Report - Albo's Battle Of The Bans

Episode Date: September 10, 2024

Andrew an Charles are confused by Anthony Albanese's decision to ban children from social media, and investigate other weird bans from around the world to get a better idea of what may have inspired the Prime Minister to do such a thing. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gatigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello, and welcome to The Chaser Report with Dom and, no, with, sorry, Andrew and Charles. Look, I have copped some insults in my time, Charles Firth, but I have never been called a Dom. I mean, that's just abuse. It's abuse. I'm going to go to the Fair Work Commission over this podcast. I must say, I enjoyed yesterday's episode with Dom. I haven't, I haven't, podcast will be Dom in months. Oh, you lucky man. Those were the days when I spent months away from this podcast before, for some reason, coming back to subject myself to you and Dom. I don't know.

So today we're going to talk about the hottest issue out there in Australian politics. Now, you may be thinking, oh my God, it must be some large announcement to do with climate change, or maybe it's to do with the out-of-control rates of domestic violence in this country, or Or maybe it's something to do to improve the lot of indigenous people and First Nations people who have had such a sort of terrible time in the last couple of years with the loss of the voice and things of that. Andrew, what is it? What's the big issue that the government has decided to finally? Maybe it's how, oh, it'll be about housing affordability, some big announcement about that.

Much more important. Much more important than that, Charles. Oh, what is it? Front of mind for everybody is trying to keep children of an as yet undetermined age from you. using Facebook. You know, that big issue. You know, the big, the one that everybody is, is tearing their hair out of it. You know, the people who can't afford anywhere to live, their main concern is whether or not their kids have a Facebook account. Do, do any kids use Facebook? Like, isn't that for sort of grandmas? Yeah, I think it is, isn't it?

There's an issue. Oh, you know what it is? Albanyes, he's finally found his perfect issue, which is an issue that he can solve while also not doing anything. about anything, right? Because it just has to say. It is a problem that nobody is facing the idea of teenagers being on Facebook. Well, what next? We need to keep teenagers out of the Zimmerframe. They're not allowed to live in an aged care centre.

We are solving the problem of too many teenagers wanting to live in nursing homes. Yes, and then he can strong arm the rest of his cabinet into agreeing to it. We need to ban teenagers from eating steak and kidney pies. Too many 12-year-olds. We're going to strike them off the dementia medication list. We're going to deny dementia medication to all 14-year-olds and under. Problem solved. You say we don't fix problems?

Yeah, we do. Do you think there's a risk? that he will turn most of the Parliament blind with them side-eyeing him about how stupid this idea is. Their eyes are going to get so sore. Have you tried looking sideways a long way? It hurts such of 10 minutes.

A long side-eye is really painful. Look, it goes beyond Facebook though, doesn't it? I mean, I don't know which platforms they've identified that kids are going to be banned from, but doesn't it also include, you know, TikTok, Instagram and all the rest of them and possibly even, you know, Nintendo Defunct Meverse, I'm concerned.

What if kids are banned from Nintendo's Meeverse social media universe? Well, I can tell you, I can tell you right now, the Miverse doesn't exist. No, I know. But again, maybe that's Albanyi. He's solved another problem. He's already, he's preemptively managed to stop the Miverse. So you're, of course, talking about the Miverse that Nintendo ran for their Wii and Wii U consoles. Yeah, that's right.

Many years back, and they stopped servicing. They stopped servicing it, I think, at the beginning of this year. Like, it was actually quite recently, because we were quite affected by it because my 14-year-old still loves running around the M-Verse. So you can now go to Nintendoland still. Like, you're putting in the disc, and you can go to Nintendoland, but there's no one, there's no one running around. No one's playing with the Nintendo.

It's like going to an empty Westfield. It's very weird. Oh, God, don't put that image in my head. Yeah. Oh, I want to end it all now. This is just horrendous. Oh, my God. Even worse than a full.

full, what's the only thing worse than a full Westfield? But maybe Albo visited the meverse and went, this is utopia. This is great. Like, I don't have, I'm wandering through a Westfield. And this is the Westfield of my dreams. I don't have to interact with anyone who will tell me that I'm a fucking wanker. So we shut them all down. Yeah.

But that's the one social media platform that kids could have used. What about YouTube? Are they talking about banning kids off YouTube? is that, I'm never sure if that's social media or not, is it? What's that? Well, I mean, it is social media because you can read the comment. It's sort of anti-social media, isn't it? But if they did that, the entire economy would collapse.

Oh, and what will we do? Yeah. You can't ban YouTube. That's like banning air. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I presume this stems from a very specific childhood trauma that Alba is trying to fill by implementing a policy without actually asking anyone what's a good idea, right? Like, I presume it's actually to do with the fact that he never really knew his father

until the last five years of his father's life. And what it wanted was a sort of strict sort of male figure in his life. And so he's now thinking that that's what everyone wants. And like, don't you think that that's what's going on here? Like, it doesn't make any sense. Like, we know, like, Andrew, you and I went to university with somebody who for a couple of years was actually in charge of the child safety. She was essentially the equivalent of the Child Safety Commissioner,

but for the UK, that was many years ago. And she did an extensive research project on it and found very overwhelmingly that you can't deny reality to children. Like, you know, you can sort of go, oh, social media is bad or whatever and things like that. The thing that doesn't really work is just completely banning it. It's much better to give children a sense of, you know, what social media is like and then say, okay,

And here are some guardrails and here are some, you know, like stranger danger or whatever the sort of thing is and get them used to it. Because otherwise they become these sort of, you know, naive waifs who then get thrown into social media at the age of 15. And anyway, it just won't work. Like, what 14 year old who wants to be on social media? Like, they're just going to use WhatsApp to bully each other. Like, like. Yeah, exactly. Or real lot.

So from what you've said, then my whole parenting approaches is wrong. because, you know, I don't let my children ever leave their bedrooms for fear that something might happen. Should I be releasing them? I mean, I don't know. I suppose I could let them to the whole way, but I think we have exactly opposite parenting approaches, Andrew. You want to protect your kids from the outside world. Yes. And I want my kids to help me navigate the outside world.

So, you know, like the other day I thought that there was a stranger upstairs, like a robber or something in our house. Did you send one of the kids up to deal with it? You'd seem one of the kids are, I'm sure it'll be nothing. Just go and see what that noise is. Well, you're right. Because you can't deny reality to kids. I mean, robbers is reality, aren't they? Burglars are real.

So kids might as well face up to them sooner than later. Yeah, you don't want them unprepared for robbers, as you say, later in life. Exactly. And what robber is going to, like, because I sent the more innocent-looking one upstairs. What robber's going to slice him in the face? No, no, no. It's just... It's got a much better chance than to get a bit.

me, you know. No, you're right. Any right-thinking robber would have the respect to take care of this. You know that there are some very... I mean, speaking of banning things, and I know you're not in favour of bans, Charles,

but... Look, you know, I've just been sort of digging around for some interesting things that have been banned in various places. Now, Charles, have you been to North Korea, haven't you? Yeah, I've been there. Did you have a dress code

that you had to follow? I don't remember. I remember being told they're quite conservative, and so therefore, I don't think you're supposed to wear shorts and things like that. I won't have it. North Koreans? So I think we wore, in fact, we did. We wore long sleeve shirts and long pants the whole time. Like, we didn't really show much scheme.

Well, I hope that those long pants pants were not blue jeans. No, yeah, you can't wear jeans, that's right. I'm not to wear blue jeans. Where do we're sort of slacks? You can wear slacks. Yeah, well, black jeans is okay. Oh, really? jeans? Oh, they're modernising.

Just not blue. In fact, or blue anything. You're not allowed to wear blue anything, I'm told, by Reader's Digest, who I assume I can believe, because they think blue is American. Blue's an American colour. I don't remember that. Because I, and I imagine that I would have only worn blue shirts just because it goes well with my eyes, so quite nice eyes. But that's unfortunate, yeah. Now, you've been to Iran, haven't you, too? Yeah, I've been to Iran, yeah. So if you're a man there, you're not allowed to have a mullet. Oh, really?

I would believe that. They've got the fashion police there. Like in North Korea, they'd be very polite about it. Like, if you wore jeans, I'm sure they'd just apologise to you for having banned it, right? Especially if you're a foreigner. In Iran, they've got these fashion police walking around and they look like fucking Nazis, right? They're dressed in, the fashion police people are dressed in black, right? They're the sort of ideologically aligned to the revolution.

pollution police. And they have the little canes. They're not allowed guns anymore. They used to have guns, but I think they ended up killing too many women in the street. So they've got these canes and they can slap you if you, you know, show too much skin. Oh, my goodness. Did you show too much? No.

But I did wear a fat magnificent mullet and almost got murdered for it. Well, yeah, they need to slap that off. Fair call. Like, frankly, if you're going to have fashion police, then you might as well get rid of the mullet. Yeah, I guess, I guess. I mean, how would the AFL go, though, in Iran? They wouldn't be able to tour.

Maybe this is why Iran doesn't have, doesn't play AFL. Yeah, no, exactly. That's the only reason I can think of. You know, Andrew, though, the mullet's in. Like, my kids go to school. My kids are teenage boys. I thought it was out again. Oh, no, mallets are huge.

Jesus, because I grew one two years ago, and then I got rid of it because I thought it was finished. Oh, okay. Oh, well, maybe I'm out of date, yeah. You could be. I mean, look, I'm happy to get my mullet back. I thought what's in is a fade. But the problem is mullets never look good. Like, even two years ago, it would have looked terrible.

Even when they're in, they look terrible even when they're in. No, a fade, I want to get it. See, I went asked for a fade at the barber because I wanted to have this trendy haircut. And he just didn't engage. You obviously looked at me and thought you're too old for a fade. So he just didn't give me one. And so then I went to another barber a few weeks later. And I thought, well, that barber didn't give me a fade when I asked.

I've got to go to a different one who's going to actually give me one. And I asked for a fade. And he also just quietly did not give me a fade. Just cut my hair normally as well. So I've got this theory that I'm too old to get a fade, but the barbers of the world are too polite to tell me so. And they just go, yes, yes, yes, whatever, whatever, old man. And they sit me down and give me a bloody normal haircut. Well, I do agree with them.

Like, you've got to age gracefully and they're helping you. that's part of what you pay them 30 bucks for, is to help you sort of navigate through this difficult part in your life where you still think you should get a phone. It is difficult. I will thank you to the barbers of the world for looking after me then. The Chaser Report. More news.

Less often. Hey, now, Charles, have you been to Tibet? I haven't. You're a little troubled man. I wish I had. I've been to Tibetan bars in Beijing. Oh, no. I don't think that counts.

In Tibet, I'm told... Can you guess what Tibetan monks are banned from doing unless they get permission from the Chinese government? Oh, probably breathing, knowing the Chinese government. Oh, breeding. I bet you they're not allowed to fuck people. I don't know, actually. I don't have any information at hand on that one.

No, what they're not allowed to do unless they get permission is be reincarnated. Don't you dare think? Don't you even think? Of going to Tibet, dropping dead and getting reincarnated as a yak. Unless you've got a form, you've got to get a form with permission. Is that the problem that they have with the Delai Lama? Do you think he didn't fill out the form, correct?

He didn't fill out the form. Of course, you'd be stuck. Because don't they have a sort of competing llama that the Chinese approval of who did get approval, didn't they? Good God, is there a lot of rival llama, is there? I'm pretty sure there's the... It's like an ALDI version of the Delah Lama. It's like the DEMI. There's a lot of Lama?

No, I didn't know that. I didn't know that. So we're still waiting, are we, for the Dalai Lama to be reincarnated, are we? No, no, no. I mean, the point is the Dalai Lama is re-incarnate. Like, the whole point about, the whole way the Delah Lama works is, you know, the last llama dies. I think this is right.

The last Lama dies. This is the way it works. No, this is the way it works, which is the last. Like a machine. The last, yeah, no, it is. It's like the last person dies, and then they look around, and whoever's next born is the reincarnation. Oh, is it?

I didn't know this. And then it's this amazing process of just tending to their every need and sort of almost stealing them from their family. But they're the chosen one. I'm pretty sure. Yeah, right, right. It's a bit sort of, yeah. Okay.

It's a bit sort of, last emperor style or something like that. Yeah, it's still a bit creepy. But I think the point is that the whole problem with the Dalai Lama was it was using the sort of existing system of belief. Whereas the Chinese came in and went, no, it should be that guy, you know. Oh, gosh. How annoying for you as a kid to be told that you're the Dalai Lama. Imagine if you're the Aldi knockoff version. Oh, that'd be worse, wouldn't it.

Being the sort of second-rate Delah Lama. I know you're still going to go around meeting people, smiling, tongue-pashing children, as he did. Yeah, but I don't think they're allowed to, they're not allowed to have sex either, are they? Monks, no, I thought they did all sorts of weird. They don't they hold off. I seem to remember reading a long time ago, one of the monkey things to do if you were, you know, being a monk in Tibet is you're supposed to sort of, you know, have a little session by yourself. But stop just shy of the point where you'd be greatly relieved. Just Googling it.

And that's meant to be very good for your spirit, very good for your spirit. Very good for your spirit. Yeah, that is right. And they're not so good for your testicles, I imagine it would be absolutely enormous. Sanctity and celibacy is the way. But you're allowed to have sensorial pleasures of the tongue. What an interesting world that they live in hell. As long as they fill in that reincarnation form.

So you're allowed to have a girlfriend. As long as you choose celibacy. Is that sort of like, you know, in the same way that teenagers choose celibation? Is he? It might be the same way. Yeah, yeah, well, you're allowed to stop. You're allowed to stop off at Maccas as long as you are a vegan. Oh, my God.

They're not allowed to drink your alcohol, eh. Oh, fuck. Really are? There's a few things banned. But they are allowed to have multiple wives. Oh, my goodness, really? You're going to be celibate with multiple wines. Yeah. Well, you probably would be.

Gracious, man. Everyone would be grumpy at you the whole time. Yeah. Not allowed to eat meat. What are you allowed? You're not allowed to smoke cigarettes? It's almost like being a 14-year-old Australian. They'd be banned from everything.

We found the link. Well, Albo's been going to fucking to bed. It was during that ASEAN conference. He obviously ducked off to DeBed and got all these fucking policies from there. Oh, no, wait a minute. The Dalai Lama, he's allowed Facebook. He does have a Facebook page, I think yes. Which is probably the only thing he can do when he's trying to not have sex or eat

me to have a girlfriend to drink alcohol or anything. No wonder he's on Facebook all the time. It's desperately, sexually frustrated and hungry. The other things that you're banned from doing, if you're the Dalai Lama, is you ban from murdering people, a bit of a pity. Oh, that's strict. That's strict. I hope we don't introduce that in Australia for these 14-year-olds.

You must abstain from taking what is not given. Well, that's just polite. Isn't it just called politeness? You're not allowed to censorous misconduct. We've already false speech. You're not allowed to tell a lie. Poor.

Jesus Christ. This sounds exactly like being a teenager in Australia. Yeah, that's rough. Oh, you are allowed fantasies. The Delah Lama, in a 2007 article interview with the Daily Telegraph of all the places, the Dalai Lama is, waxes lyrical about having sexual fantasies. Oh, they're allowed, right. Yeah, yeah.

Well, he says quite a list. You've got a lot of information about the Dalai Lama there. Did you find that on social media or all that information? He's into gay sex, that's the other thing. He's not allowed to do it, but he thinks gayness fine. He quite likes it, does he? Yeah, I think he probably thinks about it from spend time. Good for him. Good for him being such an open-minded.

It's good, you know, it's impressive to be so open-minded and interested in so many things that you're not allowed to do. Yeah, yeah. But he's very clear that it's sex between a man and a woman, sorry, a man and a man, or a woman and a woman. So he says all of that is allowed. Oh, okay, he's happy about that, isn't it? Yeah, I see. Yeah, I see.

banned quite soon by Albo. Yeah. Okay, well, back off. I've now banned you from this podcast. Yeah, it's all right. Why not? And I'll just tell you that our gear is from Road. We're part of the Iconical Class Network.

And, well, we'll see you tomorrow if I decide to unband you, Andrew. Oh, it's just great to be banned in the new Australia. Yeah, I know, yeah, exactly. I'm just going to join all the 14-year-olds who now have nothing to do. Ozzy, Ozzie, Ozzie, Ozzie, ban, ban, ban. Ozzie, ban, Ozzie, ban. Ozzie, Oz, Oz, Oz, Oz, Oz, Oz, Oz, Oz, Oz, Oz, Oz, Ben, ban, ban, ban, ban.

Okay, goodbye.