The Chaser Report - All Hail King Sausage Fingers

Episode Date: September 12, 2022

Andrew and Charles welcome in the new reigning monarch and farewell Queen Elizabeth II with a quiz on the latest news updates. WARNING: Don't Google images of King Charles III's fingers. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gadigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to the Chaser Report for Tuesday, the 13th of September. I'm Charles Firth, and with me today is Andrew Hanson. Andrew Hanson is in the building, or in the podcast, in any case, yes. Now, Andrew, how depressed are you about the Queen dying? Oh, look, it's just absolutely terrible. I mean, as a self-employed person, they've got this public holiday they've suddenly announced.

And, you know, I had a gig booked in on that day, which has now been cancelled. So because of the Queen's dying, I mean, I'm grieving. I'm grieving, but not over the Queen, I'm grieving the loss of a fee. Look, I have to disagree with you, Andrew, because I reckon one day is not enough. I reckon we need to go the federal park. I'm devastated. I'm just so devastated. I think we need 50%.

day and days off, just like federal parliament. Just like parliament. Well, you know, it is a big, it's a big grieving thing, isn't it? So you're really shattered. Oh, there's a huge risk that at any moment during this podcast, I'm just going to burst into tears. Yeah, I can feel the emotion. Oh, Charles, it's okay, it's okay. Look, I would hug you if you weren't in Los Angeles and me in Melbourne, but I know it's a hard time for all of us.

It's a hard time for all of us. But look, you know, we have been allocated a space for grieving at least. It is big though It's almost as hard I think as warny As when we lost it Ah yes It's up there isn't it

It's sort of Yeah I mean the coverage The coverage hasn't yet reached the Warnie levels The levels of one I don't think I don't expect it will Because the Queen's death is second in history It's not really

Yeah But I think I would say it's three fifths of a Warnie The Queen dying Is that you reckon A Warnie It's a measurement of grief isn't it?

It's a measurement of historical impact. It's like, you know, World War II, that was about 80% of a warning. Well, I mean, like, 9-11, 9-11 was like 95% of a warning. Yeah, that was almost a warning. Yeah. That was pretty big. That was major.

That was major. It was kind of a where were you when moment. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Still nothing will get up there. I don't think the queen qualified as a where you win, because everyone was just asleep, weren't they? I mean Well, she said, I was.

I'm not sure what was the time. I don't know what the time of day was. I don't know. It came through here. I was awake in L.A. I was in L.A. And it would have been, it was in the morning. Like, I know.

Because I then rushed to my computer and typed out an input and email about it. And that went out at 3 a.m., Sydney time. Which means I think everyone was asleep. Oh, we were all asleep. Well, we kind of missed out, I feel, didn't we? And it was not like the Twin Towers where we had wonderful footage, you know, that we all be shocked by. I mean, I'm disappointed that there wasn't a camera running on the Queen, you know, at the moment when she expired.

Because I feel that we would have been something to share, you know, something to be shocked by, some good visuals for the news. I think if Harry and Megan had managed to turn up, they're modern enough that they would have videoed. Oh, they would have Instagram. Instagram the whole thing. Yeah, that would have been a TikTok for sure. Maybe that's why Meekon, that's why Meekin wasn't invited. Yeah, they didn't know.

That's why. Yes. Yes, because it was unseemly to live broadcaster queen parking it. Oh, how old fashioned. I know. I reckon it would have got as many as. They've got to modernise. They do to be shareable.

You've got to create a shareable death these days. Yes. That's what it's all about. Oh, it would have gone viral. It definitely would have gone viral. Yeah, and bite-sized pieces. I gather that there hasn't really been any other news other than the royal family. Look, in Australia here, where I am, Charles, I know you're in America.

It's like, it would have been a minor news item on page 48, I imagine, when the Queen died for you. Well, I mean, it was, it never made the top of the New York Times. Like, it was, it was always second to, because you know that Ukraine has basically beaten Russia in the war and, like, Russia is about to collapse. I think Putin's about to be voted out. Oh, look, there's nothing on the Queen. Forget that, Charles. Forget that. Stuff's been happening with the Queen.

Big stuff. Big stuff. I have scoured the pages, Charles, of the newspapers to find out the really big juicy details about the Queen's passing and about the king taking over and all this sort of. Look, I want to give a bit of a quiz to you across the ocean as I know you are. Okay, yes. You see just how many details you might have gleaned. And if you don't know them, just guess.

Okay. Well, I think I will have been none because I am completely out of the loop. I'm blissfully. In fact, I'll tell you, look, I wasn't going to reveal this. But the reason I actually came to America is I got a hot tip that they were going to kill the queen. And so I came over here knowing. Who were? No, no, no.

Like the royals were going to bump her off. Oh, just put it down. Charles. Yeah, yeah. They were going to put it. Because that's how it works. You don't die naturally when you're in the royal family. No, that's true, isn't it?

I mean, even the Queen's grandfather, they injected it. This is true. They injected him with cocaine and morphine, like a lethal dose of it, so that he would die before midnight because they didn't want him to die after midnight because that was the print deadline for the morning papers. And they didn't want his death to be announced. in the evening papers because they are a bit

sort of, you know, tabloidy. They wanted it to be a mount in the times. Co-cline and morphine. I mean, this sounds like the most wonderful death. They've had it good, the Royals,

haven't in recent years, compared to the beheadings that they used to get. Yes. The assassinations. They don't have that anymore. Now they get a wonderful drug cocktail and just drift off happily.

Do you think they did the same thing with the Queen? You gave a lot of G&T? Oh, yeah, I'm sure. I'm sure they did. Yeah. It's actually, it's a very common form of death in Hollywood as well, actually, which is where I am. I'll expect the same from you later tonight. Now, here's a quiz for you.

All right. Question one, Charles Firth. What inappropriate thing was hastily removed from the Queen's hearse while it was driven from Balmoral to Edinburgh? Oh, my God. Did they forget to remove Prince Philip? the body because that was the last death, wasn't it? Oh no, imagine that.

Oh no, it's still in it. It's still in the car. It's a bit smelly. Well, that does happen when you're in a busy family. You leave stuff in the car by mistake. Oh, you can, I do that with my wife. Have you seen the, um, have you seen those shoes? Oh, they're in the car.

What did they do with his, did they put him like, weekend at Bernie style on the roof? so they could fit the queen now that would have been some footage that would have yeah okay so it wasn't that no no incorrect

no no no the correct answer the thing that they had to hastily remove from the hers was Diana oh Charles Firth Charles Firth no stop listing dead royals please

they had to remove the funeral director's logo which was advertising the company on the side on the side of the hearse he's driving along and said William Pervis funeral director

and they realised what was the ad like thinking of dying call us now it's probably some really garish cheap tacky ad with the you know with the guy's smiling face

funerals funerals call us now mind you I mean how valuable would the product placement have been had he lifted on I mean that

huge that would be yeah that's billions of dollars I mean you'd be the most your friends and relatives just to use the company you'd be so excited didn't you

oh they did the queen yes the chaser report news a few days after it happens okay question number two too for you charge. Now, people are grieving, like yourself.

Yeah, yeah. People are grief-stricken. They're leaving flowers and other things in the park outside of Buckingham Palace. They're leaving, you know, nice tributes. But which items, according to the news, have been banned from being left there? Oh, okay. So you're not allowed to leave things. So you're allowed to leave flowers?

Yes, you are. Well, yes, yes, you are. Okay. Well, I suppose there's two things that come to mind. One would be pipe bombs, maybe. Okay. I think you've seen through the technicalities of me asking this very open-ended question. There's probably a lot of things you're not allowed to leave it in.

Pipe-bombs are probably one of them. Is it tributes to Princess Diana, just out of interest? Is that a thing? I don't think they're still there, Charles. No, no, no, no. Or effigies of the queen, like life-size effigies of the dead queen? No, I think you're allowed to. Well, look, I think you may be alert. It depends what they're made of. It depends what they're made of.

It'll be food. It'll be food. Ah, no. Incorrect. Actually, I think, interesting, you probably could use food because it's biodegradable. So specifically what the Daily Mail says has been completely specifically banned are Paddington Bears. Apparently, children are leaving huge numbers of Paddington Bears and marmalade sandwiches outside the palace. So, wait a minute, why is that bear? Well, what's wrong with that? The problem is a Paddington Bear doesn't degrade.

You know, it'll just, it'll be there for decades. So, you know, they want stuff that's going to... But they'll... But they'll... But they'll... But when they just cleaned it up? Doesn't they have servants? Well, apparently not, no.

They've urged people, even if you leave flowers, they've said, please leave them unwrapped. otherwise you'll be told them to just disintegrate away a bit like the queen really as well I guess she is you could ask you she's allowed to be left there maybe that's where they put it

just out the front to be collected by the council on Biddle Knight I don't know I haven't read those things they have to attach a note with the like the booking number yeah of course yes I mean you know what a missed all right

old old monarch You know, number 103-287, booked on the 10th of September. On the hard rubbish day, along with this mattress. Now, here's another question for you. Okay, now, what fate has befallen the Queen's beloved Corgi's. Oh, now, I know this. I actually do know this, because Queen Elizabeth was quoted as saying that she couldn't bear the thought of the Corgi's survival.

her. So, I presume, they've all been put down. What? Well, in honour of the queen. Yes. Because she couldn't bear the thought that... I don't think that's what she meant. She's not an Egyptian pharaoh who insists that her pets get entombed with her child.

But she said, like, that's why they stopped breeding them a few years ago, because she couldn't bear the thought of them being without it. Okay. It makes total sense. Well, look, they've suffered a fate perhaps even worse than what you've suggested, child. Well, according, at least according to the tabloid news, and this story, mind you, the information was given by a source. But according to a source, the Queen's cork been left to Prince Andrew. Oh, no.

He's been... Oh, no. And they'd be all under 16, so he'd be looking them up and down. All very... Firstly. I feel like if that's true, it's kind of her revenge on Prince Andrew, isn't it? It's like, well, you know, you disgrace the family. So now you get to look after the bloody dogs.

Because it's not a gift, is it? It's suddenly given all these yappy corgis to look after. And she's got like dozens, doesn't she? She goes, fucking heaps. There'd be a real bored of. Thousands. Yeah, there'd be a real bore to clean up after. I mean, although you just do what Don does and not pick up the poo after they go to

Oh, you could, like Dom, the non-dog poo pick-up. Did you know that if you're listening? If you know that Dom Knight, who's not here at the moment, doesn't pick up his dog poos. Just say, no, it'd be worth them sending him a tweet about that. Yeah, yeah. All right, I've got one final question for you. According to the news, what is the scientific reason for King Charles's red sausagey fingers?

I mean, have you seen them? Have you seen photos? I've seen the pictures. Oh, my God. I think that, I've been thinking that the Chaser annual this year, that should be the photo on the front cover. But then I talked to the publisher saying, I think that it's hilarious. And she was going, but yeah, like, no one will buy that book.

Hey, it's pretty off-putting, isn't it? You'd have to be a brown paper bag around the book or something. Yeah. So, I mean, I actually looked it up. I looked up what are the scientific reasons for fat fingers, when I saw that photo because I just thought this is so weird like is this

is he about to die or something okay so you've researched it what did you find so well it's fluid retention like that's clear and there are there's lots of drugs that can make you do that but I think that

the excuse that the royal family uses is that he he's an avid gardener and that he pricks his fingers a lot oh okay I haven't you've got more than me on this quiz I didn't see I hadn't heard about the The gardener thing. Yeah, which I think it was a total lie.

Like, I don't think it was true. Because you saw him shushing away the, like, you can't even pick up a pen stand. Oh, yes. He's not going to fucking garden. Like, this is just bullshit. In fact, I know, in fact, I've just worked out the reason why we're getting a fucking holiday for the queen dying is because that's the only thing they know how to do really well, which is doing nothing at all. Yeah. So it's very, it's very appropriate to just have a day where you don't.

work because that's what the fucking royals do. I think we've solved it. I think we've solved it, Charles. We can wrap it right there. But no, so what's your answer? What's your answer? No, well, you've answered it. You know, you had even more information than me. I think it was fluid retention was one possible thing

that a doctor, you know, the news tracked down some poor doctor and demanded that you explain Charles's sausage fingers. He also suggested maybe arthritis was another possible cause. Yeah, because that's true. They give you anti-inflammatory medication when you've got arthritis. So that would make sense.

I mean, the question is, does it mean he's going to die soon? Because it doesn't look like, it doesn't look like the figure of health. Well, look, Charles, this doctor actually said no. He said the sausage fingers are not a sign of imminent death. So you don't have to panic if you look down and you've got like a can of Frankfitts on your hands. It's fine. You can live many, many years with those sausages. Because I was thinking maybe we could get a two-for-one deal from that funeral director

who had to remove the logo. Well, we know his phone number now. It's been on the side of the hearse half the time. Okay, well, thank you for bringing you. I'm sure people just haven't had enough royal coverage. Yes, that was the problem. I wanted to touch, yeah, I wanted to fill a gap in the market. You really filled a gap in the market, yeah.

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