The Chaser Report - Apple's Sleek New Way To Be An Obnoxious Dickhead

Episode Date: September 10, 2025

Dom and Charles spent all night anticipating how Apple would disappoint them this year at the 2025 showcase, and oh boy, were their expectations met! Join them as they review the incredible new Apple AirPods 4 Pro — que funcionará perfectamente para garantizar que suenes como un idiota en todos los idiomas. --Buy the Wankernomics book: https://wankernomics.com/bookListen AD FREE: https://thechaserreport.supercast.com/ Follow us on Instagram: @chaserwarSpam Dom's socials: @dom_knightSend Charles voicemails: @charlesfirthEmail us: [e-mail] CEO’s Super-yacht upgrade Fund: https://chaser.com.au/support/ Send complaints to: [e-mail] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gadigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report with Dom and Charles. Charles, this is so exciting. We're recording in the studio. We've got cameras everywhere. It's the future. And you know what else has cameras everywhere, Charles?

What? The new iPhones. Apple this year are trying to convince us that in one of their new phones, one camera lens is really two cameras through magic or slick marketing. Now, I know you and your boys have had a very good look at the latest Apple keynote. Oh, yes, we woke up very early. And 3 a.m. Sydney time. Everyone was just on their phones looking at new phones.

I've digested most of it as well. There's at least one or two features that seems not terrible. Oh, really? I mean, obviously, we then buy it and discover that it isn't. Yeah, I mean, I haven't noticed any new features at all in any iPhone in about five years. They seem to be exactly the same every year. But Dom, they're thinner than ever. That's right.

That's before the 5.6 millimeter wide iPhone Air. You know that we're all going to buy one. Let's hear some ads. All right, so let's work up to the iPhone Air, shall we? Because let's do it the same structure that Apple had, because my goodness, did they tease it. Let's start with the Apple AirPods Pro 3. Ah, three.

Oh, I feel such a fool for having AirPods Pro 2 in my pocket. I don't know. It's terrible. I feel ashamed. I thought I'm letting my family down. But it's like, you know how your parents are daggy? Yeah. Like, is that you now?

Yeah, that's what we all are now for only having AirPod Pro 2s. Well, Charles, let me tell you how Airport Pro 3s make you incredibly cool. Oh, yeah. Have you ever traveled overseas to a place where you don't speak the language and thought to yourself, I really want to talk to this like, like, you know, innocent street vendor. I want to have an authentic conversation. Yes. But I don't speak Spanish in this developing country.

What on earth will I do? And the answer is you just increase the volume of your voice. That's your answer to any problem. I would like a taco, a taco please. On a taco, please. For a for a vote. No. That was before, Charles.

That was before the AirPods Pro 3. Now, all you need to do is put in your AirPods, which automatically makes you look like a rich person from the first world. And then you get mugged. And, well, taken hostage, and then you learn the language while you're being held captive. And the great thing is, if you've got those, if you've got the AirPods in, you look like you're not paying attention to anybody and you're listening to a podcast. That's the great thing.

You're looking at any space with AirPods in. People are going, oh, what a dick. This person's not paying any attention. Well, Charles, now, now what the new AirPods can do is they can actually listen, the microphones can listen to the person who you're talking to, the charming street vendor with the tacos. and translate the Spanish of these harmless people into English in your ears. In real time. In real time.

Right. So you never have to ever again experience the delight of foreign cultures. That's right. Yes. It just blanks it out in real time. It just sanitises their language and translates it into English in real time in your ears. And does it do it with a hilarious foreign accent? A slightly racist.

Manuel from Barcelona type thing. Care? Well, I mean, the video that they showed, we might actually play a little bit of the video. It's quite funny because it's like super boring English. Like it makes all the charm and vivacity of like other cultures. Hello. Hello.

We have three flavors of taco. Yeah. Basically. Three flavors of bread with meat. Yeah, that's right. Air pods pro will help you understand them in your preferred language. Translating Spanish, while A&C lowers the volume of the person's speaking.

So it's easier to focus on the translation. Hello, welcome. Today, all the red carnations are 50% off. A couple of issues with this, Charles. The first is it's powered by Apple Intelligence. Oh, no. You know what that means. So it doesn't exist.

It doesn't work. It doesn't actually, not only does it not work, it doesn't even exist. So you've got the genius at interpreting that you say that Siri has brought to our lives for so many years. So Siri's there translating for you. So you should think of it as Siri being your incredibly unreliable translator. Right, okay. So that's problem one. So it'll just say the whole time that they're going here, have some tacos.

It'll be, I'm sorry, I don't have that. You check your phone. Check your phone for some web results. Yeah, that's right. So there's that. Fuck, it's going to be so shit. We know this is going to be shit. We've already covered the idea that you look like a complete asshole with air pods in your ears

when you're talking to someone. Well, it's just so antisocial. But, Charles, it gets more antisocial. I'm not sure if you're across this detail. Our most antisocial feature yet. You're probably wondering, okay, so that's great. So the AirPod Pros are able to translate what they say to you into English. How does it work the other way around?

Well, there's two ways it can work, Charles. Way one is that they have AirPod Pro 3s. And they cost 500 bucks or something. So, of course, every vendor in Mexico City is going to have them immediately. Well, after they've mugged you. That's right. Because they say that you've got AirPods in here. They probably will have your iPhone.

So there's simultaneous translation if you have, both have airport pros. Right. And they had a little video of two people at a cafe talking. So that means two rich people. Yes. So there was two people talking about strategy. Yeah. So what could be a friendly conversation is rendered entirely soulless and horrible by the Apple translation.

Why wouldn't you just not talk to the person at all and just get Apple intelligence on your phone to talk to Apple intelligence on their phone? Well, this is what you do. You cut out the middleman. You could do that. Yeah. That would be lovely. Imagine going on a date like that. And then not even like go overseas.

That's actually a good point. Yeah. You could just talk to chat GPT, couldn't you? Not even get out of bed. Like just chat GPT. Yeah. Let's have a conversation in Spanish. In some ways, maybe you should just kill yourself rather than...

But Charles, if you kill yourself, you won't get to see Apple Airport Prize 4. And you won't be able to buy it more importantly. Just imagine you're in the marketplace. You're trying to buy a taco from the humble but authentic vendor. Yes. And you're like, oh, this, I'm like Anthony Bourdain. This is amazing. Yes.

Well, Anthony Bourdain didn't have air pods. But you know what the solution is for them understanding you to make you look even more ridiculous. You hold up your phone. And your phone translates what you're saying back into Spanish. So the, the tarco vendor reads off your phone screen. But you can do that now. That's what we do. When I was, I went overseas to Peru.

And every time we had trouble, because I was only on duolingo, you know, level one or whatever. Like in a shop, you'd just get out Google Translate, type in what you want, and then they'd be able to read it. Yeah, but that exists. But that works. But that works for... But it doesn't let you have a conversation. So what this is happening now is you're talking to the person. Yeah.

And it's shouting at the person. Yeah. You're patronising the person. Yeah. And what they say to you gets translated in your ears automatically. and what you say in English gets translated automatically on your phone screen, which they can read. So if you imagine someone wearing AirPods and holding their phone in someone's face, that is the very antisocial way of socialising that Apple's invented today.

So I just don't understand how that saves any time from them reading. Because Charles, it doesn't. It's Siri. It wastes time. So what happens, they, they read your, what you want. They read the Spanish off the screen. Yeah. And then they say, then they reply.

Ola. And they play non-seigneur, you know, we don't, non-servos, um, dickheads wearing airports. But then that gets rendered back into your ears in real time. Then you say, oh, but I'm so rich. I'm from the first world. Oh, I see. And it goes into there. It goes on the screen.

And it says, and Siri says, I don't have that answer. but check the web results from your phone. So that's one feature one in the new AirPod Pro 3. Isn't that exciting? Two more I want to tell you about it. I'm already angry. I'm already angry. Can we just have a slight break before you get to the next feature?

The Chaser Report. More news. Less often. But Charles, the opportunity to look like an idiot while travelling is not the only benefit of the AirPods Pro. It's always hard to get the plows right. Airpods Pro 3. Oh yeah? Because then I

I know, this actually might benefit you. I know you're interested in ditching the Apple Watch, although, of course, after we talk about the new features, you won't want to. Oh, there's a new Apple Watch. There is. Oh, God, okay. Get ready for that one. Does it tell the time differently or better, or?

So much better. Okay. Well, we'll get to that. But no, they have put a heart sensor into the AirPods pros. And this is something that was, no one asked for. I don't know why you particularly need it, but they've put... In your ear. In your ear.

Yes. So it's able to track your workout, the heart rate and all that kind of stuff. Yeah, no, I've been hanging out for years for a heart monitor in my ear. Yeah, like, I don't know, like, it's the obvious place, isn't it? When you were growing up, didn't you go, one day, I want to go to the moon, and I want to have a heart sensor in my ear? I mean, for so many years, we've gone to the doctors. Yes. And they've taken your pulse and your blood pressure through your ear.

No, well, but also, no, no, they don't. They put a stethoscope on your heart. Oh, they check your heart. That's only because they didn't have the technology to go through your ear. Yeah, exactly. It's much better now. Yeah, no. I mean, next time I go to a cardiologist, you know, I won't even turn up.

I'll just send a scan of my ear. I just look forward to the technology which allows you to check your kidneys through your feet. That's right. So that's one feature. But then as part of that, because there's focus on exercise in the AirPods Pro 3, they're adding a new feature. And this is across the whole lineup, by the way, called Workout Buddy. And Workout Buddy is the thing you didn't know you needed, Charles.

Workout Buddy is an AI-powered Apple Intellectual. It's driven. Motivating buddy. Oh, is that like, have you used the AI disc jockey on Spotify yet? No, I haven't. Oh, you've got to do it because I feel like it's racist. Yeah, of course it is. Because it's a black DJ.

Oh. Hey, Charles. Why don't we do some rap songs for you? Here's something that you picked up last year. And then it's like classical music. That's quite funny. I don't know. Here's some Vivaldi from 1993.

Let's have a clip with the workout buddy. As soon as you start your run, workout buddy can kick off with a pep time. Great job starting your run. This is your second run this week. You're crushing it. Closing that move ring for six straight days. Let's keep building on that with your run today.

You'll buy some house vibes from Muramasa. It's basically goes, Okay. You've just done. You're fast. It's calamiter ever. But I'm just imagining it for me. I'm just really worried.

And is the idea there that what it's doing is it's motivating you to push through in your exercise so that you collapse and die of exhaustion so you don't have to listen to the buddy anymore? What I'm hoping is that it will encourage me. It becomes suicidally fit. I'll get slower and slower so that it never interrupts me by telling me that it's almost there. Yeah, but I'm worried that it'll be like, you know, hurry up, you fat shit.

That's sort of a, that might be the sort of motivation people need. Like, it's a boot camp type thing. No, I can imagine, because you know how Chetchipat is really obsequious? Yes. It's always, like, instead of it. South Park really captured that, actually. That's a great idea. No one's ever thought of that before.

I do think that Google could actually solve their whole collapse. Yeah. If they just put at the beginning of search engines, that was a great search. Because that's all it's doing. What a great thing. ask for. Yeah. They should just have a, instead of safe search on or off, it's like obsequious search.

Yeah. Sucks search. Yeah. So I think the thing is, you'll, what it will do is it will kill you because you'll be, you'll be doing something really minor, like, I don't know, walking down a hill. Yeah. And it'll go, you're doing great. That's all you need to do today.

You've earned it. You know, and then everyone will die of obesity. That's what I really need is an obsequious robot. Like the very rare times when you do actually manage to get some exercise in, I really want a robot going, good stuff. But you do. No, but this is the whole thing is you would think that that doesn't work. But the success of Chechipeteen proves that actually that's all we want is obsequiousnesses in our life.

I can't believe you manage to walk 10 metres, dumb. You never walk. Okay, so that's... Wow, you reached for your Coke. That's amazing. You didn't just order Uber. Yes. And the final feature I want to refer to, Charles, in the new AirPods.

And this is a big difference. It's for the good of the planet. Craig would like this. They're now made of 65% recycled plastic, which is from all the people who just threw out their perfectly good functioning air pods to get the AirPods that yell at you about exercising. So what is it made? Like, is it old plastic bags or something?

I don't know what it's made out. I'm assuming it. I like to think it's old AirPods. It's old AirPods. Yeah, yeah, that'd have been discarded, even though they still work. That's lovely. Because you wouldn't, imagine being seen dead in AirPod. AirPod's Pro 2's now.

Do you think, do they look different? Surely they don't look very different. I think there'll be, I couldn't really tell, but I think there'll be some subtle change that makes it obvious to get those in the know. Yes, right. Are they orange? We'll get to the orange, actually. Orange is the new. Black.

Boring white plastic, apparently. So, Charles, after all, after all the things that I've told you, the, the, the, the, translation, amazing skill, the workout buddy, uh, and the heart sensor, are you sold? Are you going to, these are like 500 bucks these things or something? I don't know what the Australian price is, but it's probably, I think it's 249 U.S. Yeah, it'll be, are you sold on an upgrade? Well, look, I think the thing is, no, I hate Apple, but yes, I am going down there this

afternoon and I'm going to get some. Well, they're not out to the 19th, I think, but, uh, the other thing is just very very bright, but I just, I just threw away my air bob, twos. That's okay. That'll be recycled. I forgot to tell you the least important feature of the airpods. Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Apparently, the sound's better. Ah, yeah. Yeah, better noise cancelling. Oh, that's right. Yeah. Better bass, apparently. Or maybe any base would be an improvement. Yeah.

That doesn't really matter. The main thing is they've got a heart sensor in them, Charles. Now, I don't think, what are we going to do? We're going to continue on, or should we just stop it here? We've done a whole episode on the AirPods. And we just tease that you'll find out about the phone next week. Or next, tomorrow. Tomorrow.

We'll do one tomorrow. So there you go. It's another amazing Apple product launch. Tim Cook looked so excited in the prefabricated video before all the drones started swooping around. Did he say these are our most AirPods ever? They always do. They're so excited every single year.

This is the most advanced iPhone we've ever released. Of course it bloody is. I hate Apple so much. And yet. And yet, we're part of the Akrona Class Network. Powered by Apple. But don't give us any money. No, but all that geese apple.

Oh, that's Christ.