The Chaser Report - Arrest Ya Later Alligator

Episode Date: July 3, 2025

Donald Trump has proposed something called "Alligator Alcatraz", which according to Dom is a new prison facility surrounded by alligators, and according to Charles it's adding alligators to the existing Alcatraz. Listen to find out which of these two nightmarish human rights violations the world's most powerful man is making a reality.Also, we're taking a break now. See youse in two weeks!---VOTE OPTICS FOR A LOGIE: https://vote.tvweeklogies.com.au/Follow us on Instagram: @chaserwarSpam Dom's socials: @dom_knightSend Charles voicemails: @charlesfirthEmail us: [e-mail] CEO’s Super-yacht upgrade Fund: https://chaser.com.au/support/ Send complaints to: [e-mail] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gadigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello, and welcome to The Jacea Report with Dom and Charles. Charles, I've always said, hello, just before we start this episode, just a quick announcement, as we announced earlier in the year, we're taking school holidays off to spend time either with our kids or away from our kids while they're in full day, daycare, whichever a youth to leave it is. That's what's happening. So this is the last episode for two weeks, but there are bonus episodes, at least two, Charles,

on the paying subscriber feeding, which you attempt to solve major genuine issues for Australia. I've sold the housing crisis. That was the first episode. The next one is I'm going to solve public broadcasting in Australia. Amazing. So if you want those just to subscribe to the Chase Report by your platform of choice and we'll see you in two weeks. Now on with the show, Charles. Take it away. Charles, I've always said, why get a human to do a job when you can get an alligator to do that same job? I refer to a tweet. Well, expert tweet sent by Homeland Security, the official U.S. Department of Homeland Security. They have pictures of alligators wearing ice hats, the immigration and customs enforcement, outside razor wire.

They look hungry, Charles. They look hungry to be involved in law enforcement. But you know that that's because they are actually going to have alligators outside Alcatraz as part of the new $800 million renovation scheme to bring prisoners back to Alcatraz. What? You know, that's what they're doing. I thought you were referring to the new alligator architras that they want to build in Florida. Are you saying they're also putting alligators? Are you misunderstood the story?

I've misunderstood the story. Okay, there's some work to be done here. Because you know that they're rebooting Alcatraz. I'm sure that it's to do. Oh, is it to do? Which one is it to do it? The Chaser report where you get the news of the day. Should we just start again?

No. Okay. No, let's all get into it. Because I'm sure many listeners. I mean, if you hear alligator architras, you think it's alcatraise, you think it's Alcatraz plus Alligators. Now, you know have both been. But they're rebooting Alcatraz. I know. But I'll explain

after this. That was announced yesterday. Here are the ads. Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore? FIS is 100% online. So you can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply.

Details at FIS.C. So, Charles, this is, I promise you, that Donald Trump went to this place in Florida, which he's nicknamed alligator alcatraz. And essentially it's... And is it a prison for alligators? No, it's a prison camp surrounded by alligators in the swamps of Florida. And Charles, you've been to the real Alcatraz in San Francisco, I think. Yes, yes, have I.

Yes. It's a long way offshore. Yes. In freezing water. Yes. Alligators are not going to like that, Charles, I don't think. Oh, okay. So that is.

confusing. But also you don't need them because the whole point of Alcatraz is it's so far off line. If you swim, you'll basically drown or freeze to death. Almost no one's ever done it. You don't need alligators. It's already impossible to get off. So Donald Trump did talk about reopening Alcatraz earlier in his administration. And they announced it yesterday. They're definitely opening Alcatraz. And it was announced yesterday on the news. Okay. So San Francisco Chronicle says, I'll just read the headline. Trump renews planned to reopen Alcatraz this time, which sharks. So they've been working on this for six months. So yes, this is sharks. This is the

quote, we're going to look into renovating and rebuilding the famous Alcatraz prison sitting high on the bay surrounded by sharks. What a symbol it is and will be. So yes, that's the very unpleasant prison where they once held Al Capone and George Machine Gun Kelly. It's very cold and nasty. Do you think what they've done is because they've realized that it's going to be so impossible to open, reopen the real Alcatraz. They've called another place Alligator Alcatraz, so that anyone who looks into it and thinks, did Trump ever do that promise?

Well, just Google Alcatraz and suddenly it comes up with Alligator Alcatraz? Yeah, I think that's what it is. It's just literally an SEO strategy. Or it's just basically taking the Alcatraz brand for horrible prison that probably violates human rights and just using it for other sites. So let's hear a little quote of Donald Trump. I'm talking about the alligator alcatraz.

Yes. And specifically how to how to evade. Yes. So how the asylum seekers, the people locked up in alligator alcatraz, will have a difficult time should they try to escape. You know, snakes are fast, but alligators are, but we're going to teach them how to run away from an alligator, okay, if they escape prison. How to run away.

Don't run in a straight line. Run like this. And you know what? Your chances go up about 1%. Okay. Not a good thing. So that clip we saw, my entire family saw on the news last night, and we were very activated by that.

Were you intrigued or outraged or... No, curious. Derisive. Because my sons know a lot about crocodilians. Oh, they're very good with reptiles, aren't they? Yes. Well, not reptiles. They're not reptiles.

They're crocodilians. Oh, the lizards that you have. Are they not reptiles? No, no. Alligators and crocodiles are not part of the reptile family. Really? Okay. They're crocodilians. Oh, see, I know your kids know more than I do already.

Idiot. How can you not know that, Dom? But they were saying that's a stupid strategy you could never... Like, if you zigzag, you'll just get eaten by the crocodile or alligator ride. Anyway, we tried to ask Siri, but of course that didn't work. And then we looked at up. Why would you do that? And it turns out.

And then I think actually Hartley looked up TikTok. and that's the trusted source of, in our family. And it turns out, no, no, by far the best strategy for evading both a crocodile and an alligator, and this is important information that everyone should know. We should, yes, make sure you remember this. It was on TikTok, so it must be right. You run directly away because apparently, especially crocodiles, are very, very fast land animals. Right.

The only thing that zigzagging will do, and same with alligators, is to slow you down and mean that you are more likely to be killed. So I run as fast as possible. So just run as far as create as much distance as you can from the attacking predator. I mean, your other, otherwise you'll be dying, having zigzagged and you'll be saying, but President Trump said this was the way, ah.

But he only said there was 1% chance. So look, just I just want to clarify what's going on. So this is a new facility in the Florida Everglades, right? So where there are lots of alligators, obviously. 37 miles from Miami. And it's pretty. extraordinary. What they've basically done is put up a bunch of fences and with cages in them and bunk beds. Very cheap, possibly sort of IKEA-esque. They're going to have 5,000 people in there.

It's going to be staffed by National Guard troops. Ron DeSantis is all over it. They're going to start sending the troops there from Wednesday. It's going to open in a moment. It costs $450 million US to imprison 5,000 people apparently. This is their Nauru, isn't it? It is, except on land. Yeah. And the Florida Republican Party has started selling very tasteful, gator-themed clothes and beer coolers, just so you can revel in the potential eating of people who are desperate and come to America for a better life. And presumably, Dom, alligator alcatraz will be outside the jurisdiction

of the American legal system, not because it formerly is outside the US. Like a Nauru. Yeah, but because can you imagine a judge trying to get there to enforce their wheel? To inspect? Yeah. There's no way. I mean, it's very... They can do whatever they like there.

But they can anyway. I mean, the US legal system seems to be increasingly unwilling to restrain Donald Trump. So the only group that might be able to save this is Doge, who are going to go, what, you're going to pay $100,000 per year for migrant detention? Why, we can do it for five grand. Yes, yes. Just, I don't know, get an old scout camp or something without the alligators. Thank you for your patience.

Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore. FIS is 100% online, so you can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply. Details at FIS.ca. The Chaser Report, news you can't trust. But I've got a theory, Dom, on why they need to start targeting legal migrants and incarcerating them, right?

Attention. Charles Theory Incoming Which is that And this is a new piece out from the Atlantic just this week According to the Atlantic America's incarceration rate Is about to fall off a cliff Really?

Right? So essentially what happened was In 2009 There was like 1.6 million people in jail in the US Right? Like it was just And that was the peak. I remember that hit sort of headlines around the world

I mean, that's an extraordinary portion of Australia's population. And that was because back in the early 1990s, after years and years of especially things like leaded gas and leaded paint and everything like that, you had this incredibly violent, angry, dumb population of people who, you know, we literally sort of affected by all the sort of inputs in, you know, chemical inputs as much as anything else. And so violent crime peaked in 1991.

18 years later, 2009, all these people who got given hugely long sentences. Like, remember, that was the 1990s was three strikes and you're out. You're going to prison forever and everything like that. So 20 years later, population peaks. Ever since then, violent crime has been declining rapidly, right? And what's happening now is people are aging out of the system. They're either dying because it's like literally 30, 40 years later, or they're being released because they're really.

really old people who don't need to be in prison anymore no matter what their sentence is, right? So the prison population is now on track to fall to about 600,000 people, which if you know America and the American prison system is a huge problem, right? Yeah, there's a lot of businesses that will be driven to the wall. They have a largely privatised system. And so literally, they need to search around and they need to find a new group of people to in prison, right?

And apparently what's happening right at the moment is, as all the sentences come to an end, there's just no young men getting arrested anymore. Everyone's actually very sort of... Oh, that's very unfortunate. I know, which is a huge problem. Now, in any other country, you'd go, that's a good problem. Like, that's actually, let's celebrate. But it's causing real headaches.

And it makes me go, maybe this is why they need to start, you know, sending ice out to do some quotas and arrest a million people. Yeah, so I can see the Atlantic's written an extensive article about this. And it is a problem because in most countries, a drop in the prison population would be a cause for celebration along multiple dimensions. You've got people not ruining their lives locked up and all the misery that causes to their families and all these sorts of things. You've also got recidivism goes up when you're incarcerated, all that kind of stuff.

You get into a cycle. But also it's very expensive. So the fewer people you lock up, the more money you save, if they're in the economy contributing and not locked up. But in the US, you've got to square that against the capitalism, the interest of capitalism in having all these private prisons. And their business model is people being locked up. And how are their shareholders, Charles,

whose interests are far more important than those of the prisoners? No. How are their shareholders meant to make a return on their investment if people aren't locked up anymore? Well, as you're saying, maybe you lock up a different group. I'm thinking, because I think it's bad to lock up migrants, right? I think that that's sort of, you know, bad. That's sort of for me.

I hope you're planning on going to the States in time soon enough to saying that. I know, I know. You won't get a visa. Controversial now. But maybe they should lock up alligators. Oh. See what I'm saying? So rather having the alligators outside the prison walls.

On the outside, you get them to be looked after by the prison guards on the inside. Right. That's, well, would you then have alligator prison guards looking after alligators? Would you have humans? Because I'd go, I would, Charles, I would pay good money. I would definitely pay good money to go to an alligator alcatraz but a real alligator alcatraz Alligator prison guards dressed in alligator prison guards

With the Republican Party gear With the hat Very classy Yeah beer coaster This is why you need the beer coasters Because that would be great entertainment Wouldn't it be Fantastic

And then inside You'd have I mean Alligators would be able to escape Wouldn't they quite easily Well not if they were on the original Alcatraz which is currently a tourist attraction. Yes. And I've seen it.

I'm not going to go back there. It was really depressing and miserable. But if you tell me, there's alligators in the original Alcatraz because they're not going to be able to swim to shore. Yes. So they'll be in prison there. And if Trump's promise to surround the original Alcatraz with sharks,

then you could have a shark-the-alligator fighter. Oh, my gosh. Charles, that is the best thing I've heard of it. Shark-feet alligator at Alcatraz. Wow. That's one of your best business idea is ever. that, look, I'll run it up the chain with the trumpet demonstration.

Donald Trump will definitely like that one. Yeah, yeah. Well, Charles, you've hit on a real money spinner there. I can imagine Donald Trump. It's kind of like UFC with Alligators and Sharks. I mean, that really is the ultimate fighting championship. And you know what would make it even better? What, people.

I'm not saying this is a good idea, but if you did have, you know, your P-D-D-Is. He's going to have 10 years to serve. Well, he might, but he hasn't been sent to set off the time of the recording, but he's been denied bail. Yeah. But you could say, look, I don't want a squid game this. No.

But what if you just said, look, your choice locked up in in Alcatraz alongside the alligators or swim for freedom? Charles, what if we added a giant squid? Oh, yeah, make it the real squid game. Yeah, yeah. This just gets better and better. I think we've solved everything. Everything.

Because this will solve their debt crisis as well. It will. Because all the people involved in coming up with the scheme will be sent to prison, which will repopulate the rest of the prisons. And I think, I think PD would have to sort of swim for freedom to the strains of, I'll be missing you, that terrible song that he made. And do you think he'll lube up in baby oil before he dives in? They'll be no, they'll be able to get their teeth on him, will they?

And they'll go, eh. Wow. Were you part of the Iconoclast network? Forever classy. That's why you tune in. Charles may not have known at the start of this episode that there were two separate proposals for Alcatraz named prisons, but now we've basically fixed America.

Thank you for your service, Charles. Look, can I get an AM or something out of it? No. You're not as good as sister. Sorry. Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore?

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