The Chaser Report - Arse Half-Full Kinda Guy

Episode Date: March 29, 2023

Charles shares a cautionary tale about how not to buy sun glasses, and Dom tells a story about some glasses where the sun don't shine. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gatigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report. I'm Charles Firth. And I'm Dom Nine and have I got a disgusting story for you? It's a medical cautionary tale, Charles. Oh, really? Okay. Well, we'll get to that in a little while. It's really disgusting. But I've got a terrible sort of dilemma slash terrible thing that happened to be.

Okay. This is a real life thing. I don't do real life. I find disgusting stories from me. In this case, Nepal. Oh, okay. Oh, yes. Well, you know, Nepal. Really? Really?

Are you just being racist or are you parodying? I'm assuming this is your hilarious parodies of racism. Let you be racist with that, actually. Anyway, let's get into the episode. Let's, uh, okay. So this happened last night, not the greatest moment on my life. Hmm. I really need new sunglasses, right?

Okay. Because my sunglasses. I bought them for $10, like, a year ago and they're scratched and I can hardly say out of them right okay and so my 20 something friends suggested that the way to buy sunglasses nowadays is to buy them online because uh it's just much cheaper right and they said if you just keep clicking on ads for sunglasses on the instagram you'll be ended up you'll end up oh you didn't what keep clicking on ads for instagram sunglasses did you know do you know about this no I well I've heard

some terrible cautionary tales. Oh, no. Well, this is my cautionary tale. All right. So there you go. So if you've ever thought of doing... Because I've had the same thing. I didn't know this.

I've seen some amazing... But you think they were joking to... There was Vic and Jenna who said, just buy them on Instagram. Are you talking about the two people who were in a world famous video about how old and out of touch you were? Those two people... So you think that they were just tricking me. If you haven't seen the video, we'll look up contact Tracy's. It's hilarious.

Charles is very funny in it as the butt of the joke. But Charles, I think that dynamic... assists just quietly. Oh, fuck them. It's true. Instagram is full of ads for sunglasses. Yes, that's right. So, people like us in middle-aged men with eyes that are fading.

And I've always been tempted by them. Yes. But then I looked up the company on product review or whatever. Oh, no. Discovered that it's a total scam. So tell me how to unfold it for you. So I started out clicking on all the Raybans' heads because I thought, well, that's reliable. Yeah, you'd want to be Joe Biden.

Yeah. And actually the Raybans web. website that links through to Instagram is really cool. You can actually get it to, you hold your camera out, and it sends all your data back to the Chinese government presumably, and then, and it puts the sunglasses on you. That's pretty cool. In a way that looks like it's a computer putting sunglasses on you because they sort of don't particularly fit.

But I got bought a pair of Raybans when I was 13 or something by my uncle, and they were still the coolest present I've ever had in my life. It was right when, you know, Rain Man, Tom Cruise, they were wayfarers. It was so cool. In fact, I want a pair of Raybans. I think you sold me. But I can't afford them. Yeah, well, exactly.

So, did that for a while. Still didn't get real. Like, even half-priced Raybans is still a fucking fortune. Yeah, hundreds of dollars. Yeah, yeah. So, but then Instagram, magically, as promised by Vic and Jenna, started serving me up ads for sort of lesser brands. Oh.

That looked like they were still stylish. and everything like that. And one was called hawkers. Hawkers. And they had all these different varieties. And I quite like the blue tint, you know, on the lenses. Because my, the person who I do Wankanomics with James Schleffel, he's got some ones with sort of like a greenish blue tint on them.

And he's got a budget too, doesn't he? He always looks incredibly stylish. They might just be because he's much better looking. Well, he's also from Melbourne. And somehow men from Melbourne understand style. If you understand why this is, let us know. I don't know. Podcast at chaser.com.

com. But, yes, it's true. He's a very stylish man. So you wanted to be more like James. You poor bastard. You can never be like James. So then I click through and, you know, the website is pretty slick, right? And, you know, if I bought in the next, they had a little county that had some flash sale on where if I, as long as I bought in the next 15 minutes, I'd get like an extra 40% off.

It was quite quite a lot of money sale. Like, so the whole, so these $200 sunglasses were going to cost me like $40. Wow. Right. Plus shipping. And so I just went, fuck it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to be like Vic and Gin.

I'm going to be like James. Because I'm going to miss out on this amazing deal that this clock's ticking. Yeah. That if I came back at the same website tomorrow, definitely wouldn't be there as well. Right. So I go through and I do the whole thing and then I buy it and, you know, like click it on everything. You know how in Instagram, the website then just completely disappears? Like, once you press the exit button, it's just gone.

And there's no history that you've, like, there's no browser history. Yeah, it exists in a weird little bubble with an Instagram and then goes away. And then I was looking through my email trying to find the confirmation because I realized I'd sent it to the wrong address. Like, you filled out the address incorrectly somehow, even though I swear, like, it just had left it out my apartment number. So it sort of like, it was going to just go. So then I contact customer service. service and going, look like I haven't even received an email, you know, hours later, still no response, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Anyway, I then did what any shrewd internet Instagram buyer should do. Go to product reviews.com. Guess how much they're rated? One? One. One out of five, one star. Every single review is, this is a scam. Do not purchase. They never sent it to me.

And then they claim that they had the wrong address. Like, I think even the fact that I noticed that I'd put it. in the wrong address was because it was a fucking scam. Charles, have you ever bought something on a whim when you've been traveling or something like that? You bought something on a whim and it seemed like an amazing deal and then you later realized that it wasn't?

Have you ever had a thing like that when you're traveling? Maybe two, I don't know, a hawker market? Like literally the name of the scam is on the tin. So it goes, oh, it's an amazing deal. You've got to get it now. It's normally 200, I don't know, but for today, it's this price. You were played, my friend.

I was played by the hawkers. That was the hawker. Oh, no. You're just visiting yourself as Joe Biden or James Schleffel. No, exactly. But this story has this incredibly happy ending. Right. So, because there's literally hundreds and hundreds of reviews saying,

I was scammed, you know, don't trust this company ever again with your money, right? And I was saying it did piss me off. Like, if that's true, then how come Instagram takes their money to advertise? this clear scam. Yeah, it's a good question. Doesn't Mark Zuckerberg have a conscience? Anyway, point is, I then look at my bank account to find out how much they took from me, these scamming scam scams.

And I obviously hadn't transacted it correct. The money hadn't been taken. Like, I don't think I pressed the final button. You'd fucked it up. And so that's probably the reason I didn't get the email or anything like that. Like, I'd fucked up the actual transaction. So I'm now even, and I feel like I'm ahead. because I've unscammed the scammet.

Like, I've, by my incompetence, has outscammed the scammer. Very well played, Charles. Yeah, very well played. So, yes, if you're buying things on Instagram, it doesn't. Just check it out. Unless there are tickets to Wankanomics. Oh, right.

Available. Yeah, yeah, we advertise. I bought something the day, and it was a total scam. We advertise on Instagram. They've got very lax advertising standards. It's the perfect place to advertise. Wankanomics.com, if you want to book tickets, touring around Australia.

More dates to be added soon. So there you go. That's a cautionary tale with a happy ending in a sense. And a promo. And an annoying promo. Oh, I see. Oh, God. Actually, you can go along and see how good-looking James Schleffel is

and how optimistic Charles is for thinking he could ever match his Sarserevel. He's a very elegant man. The Chaser Report. Less news more often. I have a medical story for you. This true is a cautionary tale. This isn't to do with your medical. No, no, God, no.

No, no, we're going to Nepal. Oh, that's right, Nepal. So, this is a warning. This is a warning for, and if there's children in the car or whatever, you probably keep listening because they're familiar with this part of the body, and it's probably something to note with the future. So someone turned up to the emergency department of the local hospital. And look, how can I put it?

There was something inside his body that shouldn't have been there. That he'd put something up his bum. Specifically, a water glass. A water glass. What do you mean a water glass? A glass that you could have had for water. It just says here. A water glass, right, okay.

A sanded glass that could be used for water, like a sort of tumbler. Oh, my God. How did he get it up there? Well, his initial claim is it's been inside me for three days. What? And he hadn't had a bowel movement in two days, but was able to pass wind. Oh, it did work by the rectum? Did it have a nice resonance?

Probably yes. No bleeding, he was in a lot of pain. His initial claim, and this is according to the Journal of Nepal Medical Center, I'll have you know, is that it had happened by accident. Awkwardly, I sat down on my chair and would you believe it? Yes. I wasn't wearing undies, and the glasses were just on exactly the wrong angle in Wooshka. Wushka.

Yeah, he then admitted that it was for another reason. For another reason. For sexual gratification, as the doctors put it. He'd tried to remove the glass himself. Well, was that medically necessary to know? Well, because this happens a lot. A lot of people shove stuff up their ass to get their jollies. But isn't that just the doctor's being a bit...

Judgmental? Like, what's wrong with shoving a glass up your butt if you want to? This is what happens. It's not to do with not... I mean, shove things up your ass. Just choose better. This is the point of the story is if you're going to shove items up your ass... It should have been a flag or something with a handle.

Yeah, or an egg plant or a carrot or whatever. Just something that can come out more easily. Because this is a problem. This is where the story gets disgusting. But also I feel informative, Charles. He tried to remove it himself. Yes. But failed.

They did an x-ray. I've got the picture of the x-ray here. There you go. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. It's a big glass. I think we need to update the visuals on this, which is it's like, it's a proper tumbler. It's a proper tumbler.

Tumblr with sort of fairly straight edges. Well, this is where the problem comes in. Yes. So you can't grip it. That's right. It's a very bad choice of object because you can't get a firm grip. Plus, it was inverted, right? The top of the, the bottom of the glass was on the top.

Yes. It's confusing when you're talking about the bottom, but the bottom of the glass was at the... At the anus end. At the internal end, not at the... If you think about it, the open bit was on the bottle, it's hard to grip, presumably quite slippery. Well, especially it'd be slippery because there would be sort of fluids around.

stuff around, yeah. So that was challenging. Medical staff then performed an exploratory... So always, moral of the tale, always put something with a bit of texture, so a bit of grip. Or at least put the glass up the other way around. Yeah.

But he went bottoms up, bottom's up, bottom. Okay, so they didn't exploratory laparotomy. How did he get it in? It was like an hour. It was a laparotomy, it must have, mustn't it. Which is a surgery to open up the abdomen. And what they tried to do now is, it's technically known as milking.

They tried to squeeze the lower intestine and just basically delivered the glass. Wasn't he doing that on his own? Pretty much, yeah. He was trying to just basically squeeze it out as though it were a bum baby. But it was unsuccessful as, and I quote, the glass was high up, inverted and tightly wedged. Oh!

They're not going to break it, though, are they? They're not going to... Well, this is the other reason why it's a terrible choice of object. They don't want to break it. Don't choose something breakable. Well, don't choose something that breaks into shards. Yes, I mean, this man, this is a terrible. poor man had clearly never, or at least in his state of intoxication, whatever it was,

he'd never thought about glassings, had he? No. Okay. Or just, and he obviously never dropped a glass. No. No. That's this, I mean, a naive guy just getting his jollies out of a glass. He probably had just always thought of them as sex objects.

In his mind, the glass was half full. So he did a sigmoid enterostomy was what was done. A sigmoid. The glass was extracted. So they cut directly into the intestine. Very disgusting. So all the contents of the intestine would have leaked out around the glass. Well, luckily they had a glass to film.

Yeah, that's right. But they managed to get it out. And he was in hospital for seven days recovering. Yeah, well, you're cutting open your intestines is a terrible idea because that's basically putting poo in your body. Yes, it's not a good idea. So then two months later, we went back to the doctors and he'd fully recovered. And it says here that the most common reasons for an object inserted into the anus

is sexual gratification. Yeah. It's not to have a drink. Like, that would have been very. And they just wanted to clear that up, just in case anyone was under any misapprehension there. I mean, have you heard Charles I have, people proposing a toast and saying up your bum? That's what it means. It's not a good idea.

Not a good idea, no. So, anyway, he's working now as a glassy at a pub and he's much happier. I've got to say, though, the thing I want to see is an ultimate challenge for dishwashing brand. Can you imagine? Finish, that's what he was trying to do. Anyway It's a good note Good note

By all means shove things up there If you want Just don't choose a glass No There's better objects out there Or if you do Make sure it's got a handle

That's right Did this glass You did not have a handle It says The final note here Typically People try to remove the object Themselves several times

Before turning up to the hospital Out of embarrassment Clearly just go to the hospital The doctors will have seen Everything before Yes You can't put anything up there That hasn't been able to

It's the main reason we have hospitals. That's right. That's right. In fact, I think that's the reason why Medicare was invented in the first place. There's no one you have to pay. Well, especially with Bob Hawke because he he had a yard glass. I think that's the episode, Charles.

Our Gears from Road, we're part of the iconic class network. Remember to leave reviews, we've got a few new ones and we'll do a bit of a round-up tomorrow. And they could show it up their own world record time if you read that. See you tomorrow.