The Chaser Report - ARVO: Ange Lavoipierre's worst massage ever

Episode Date: February 7, 2022

The hilarious Ange Lavoipierre returns to the studio for an Arvo Chat! Ange talks her new comedy show "I’ve Got 99 Problems and Here Is An Exhaustive List Of Them" which surprisingly is causing her more problems. Plus Ange shares a story about her worst massage ever. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to another afternoon edition of The Chaser Report. I'm Dom Knight. She's Gabby Bolt and Angela Bopier is here for her second visit to The Chaser Report. Hey, Ange. Hi, Honoured to be back. Thank you. Happy New Year.

And to you. God, time. Exactly. It is going too quickly. We'll find out why in just a sec. Thank you. for your patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore. FIS is

100% online, so you can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply. Details at FIS.ca. The Chaser Report. Less news. Less often. So, Angie, you've had the shit as Christmas ever. Yeah, well, I spent three weeks, three weeks in total over summer, locked

in my apartment. First, Like most of Australia, like let's be clear, I'm not a special case. But a week over Christmas, we cancelled Christmas at the last minute for everyone. That was us. All right. But yeah, that was a false alarm. We were like a close contact. Not that those really exist anymore, but, you know, back in the days when we had close contact.

Oh, when we cared about being exposed. Yeah, yeah, which is so quaint. And then we were fine, but we missed Christmas anyway. And then we went up to New Year's and two days into the holiday got like such a, an intense case of COVID despite having just been boosted like two weeks earlier. So theoretically I was like in, you know, as close to invincible as we get, um, without actually having had it, but just copped it hard, like had like a two week headache and like got dizzy.

And I black like I black out sent so many emails. That was like my main COVID symptom. I haven't seen that in the list. There's lots of emails to people. No, it's right down the bottom. Yeah, you have to read to the very bottom of the list, but it's there. And yeah, if you go through your, if you've had COVID, and you go through your outbox, you're sent, you know,

and it'll show some pretty weird stuff. Like, I ordered a lot of graphic design that I didn't need. Graphic design? Yeah. Yeah, I was like, can you make this for me to, you know, graphic designers that I know. And then it came back to me like, you know, 10 days later. I was like, oh, I don't need this. Anyway, COVID, it's an awful virus.

Because I remember, like, ordering random shit that arrives in a sort of fever dream, and that's very common. Yeah. But commissioning artworks, that's unusual. Like getting jobs done. I have so many emails that I need to send like that and I haven't. So maybe I should get COVID. So I can actually get that stuff done.

Yeah, seriously. I still haven't booked my ACOM for Adelaide. Well, you know, I reckon you should be heading to some nightclubs and just huffing other people. Nice. Just go for it. Pretty unfortunate you got your ISO in before then actually getting it. Like immediately on rejoining the world, you then got it again. I was hell pissed that I didn't have it the first time.

It's not fair. Can't, can't COVID just be a bit fairer? I know. I've said this all along, and that's actually been my lasting complaint about this. So you're both touring. Gabby's got her show, which we loved late last year, and you've got, I've got nine problems, and here's an exhaustive list of them. Yes, I do, which I regretted, because you know, it's actually, like, that's a funny

title for a show. I'm going to make that show, and then I started making that show. I'm like, 99 problems is too many to fit into an hour. Yeah, that's like two a minute at least. Yeah, like 40 seconds per problem. You can barely get the problem out. Hopefully you can move on. Yeah.

So some of them are happening. I did a show in Newcastle on the weekend, and it was like it was real squeeze. So I think I'm going to make some of them rhyme and put them in a song. So Gabby, I might need to help with that one. Yeah, fuck yeah. Oh, I'll help you. Because I love that you said not only have I got 99 problems, but I'm going to list every single one to, you could just make it three hours long, I suppose.

Yeah, except then in the show copy that I submitted, but you have to submit whatever, like six months ahead of time. I'm like, one woman, 50 minutes, 99 problems, which, again, I thought was quite funny. and it is, but it's also very difficult. Now, I think the consumer watchdog would regard that as a kind of contractual obligation. It's so bizarre, because I feel like, not that there's a huge market wanting to know this exact detail,

but when you're applying for festivals, it is so funny that you have to basically send everything that your show has, like probably six or seven months before you've even written it most of the time. Like, when I was applying for festivals, I didn't realize just how much info you had to provide the first time around.

And they're like, oh, what is your show about? And I at that point had written like four songs knowing I'd have to write about five more and being like, I've fucking no clue, I guess. The skill of doing festivals, so this is like my third show that I've written and performed, and the real skill of doing festivals, it has nothing to do with comedy, it's writing sufficiently vague copy that still sounds appealing six months into the future. My theory is this is why Will Anderson does puns on his name. Because all you've got to do, and he's probably just about everyone that exists now,

so that will be a very big falling off a cliff when that happens. But if you just write Will Larius or Will by Mouth or whatever, going to be, then everyone knows, oh, it's just going to be a bunch of whatever. And so maybe it should just be like a hastily compiled random jumble of thoughts. Like maybe that's what they should all be called. We should all just do puns on our names, every comedian, all of them. Well, particularly if your name's Bolt. Oh, no, because no, because then people will come for the wrong reason.

Oh, what are they good, Gabby puns? Not really. Oh, but Anne, you could do everything which has angel you could change to. Yeah, and there's so much that rhymes with Love Wa-Pierre as well. Yeah, broad market. I've actually, yeah, I've really been doing this wrong for years. I love the idea of just doing, like, Love War P-hyphen, yeah, exclamation point. And there's no context.

And now she can't do it because she committed to another name. No, but it's true, because what if you went, like, really leaned into, I don't know, a topical show. Like, let's say I saw this very strange show at the first festival I went to, which was a John Howard impersonator for like a full hour. Oh, God. This is when we used to review everything that was going. And it was called John How Odd. And so this person had, and what if, as happens now, bring it back.

There was a leadership spill in the meantime. And this guy had committed to an hour of now out of date, parody of a prime minister who'd just been axed. Yeah. The guy was Anthony Aykroyd who did Kevin Rudd? Oh, yes. Trying to keep that going after he was hacked. Yeah.

No one wants to see that impersonation anymore. Impersonations must be hard. But you have to like, I think at that point, that's when you have to like commit over the top, like maybe even, I don't know, work towards their re-election. Yeah, start the campaign. Well, maybe you just do five minutes as Kevin Rudd

and then you just like, you stab yourself with it. And everyone's just like, thank God that's like. Maybe that's who was, that's who was really behind the January 6th insurrection. Trump impersonators, impersonating, you know, QAnon supporters. But just, you know, in an attempt to kind of get their main come stream back.

Yeah, it's just an absurdist art piece. If only, right? So we've been doing a daily podcast for nearly a year. But you had to do one for, like, forever throughout the whole the Trump years. Like, how are you still alive after all those years of doing the signal? I don't feel anything anymore. Oh, okay.

Yeah, so there's a cost, but you can do it. I was thinking this this morning when I was like reading the news because it's a really hard habit to break. And I was reading the news. and, you know, looking at the texting scandal, and you kind of lose all your instruments for assessing what is a big deal and what's not, they're broken, and you sort of have to like look at other people's faces

and sort of like measure their emotions about it and kind of go like, oh, this is a big deal or not a big deal because you just have been exposed to so much, you're just sort of like numb to the whole thing. I think that's how I ended up with, definitely on Trump stuff. I'm like, because you can't, like, you can't feel, you can't actually react to that, you know, in a real way every single time something happens every time there's a headline, or you'd lose your mind.

That is so true, because we, we as a planet have been going for like five years at every new thing that comes out, which is terrible, just going, like our, oh my God, that's outrageous, how dare he, it's broken. Yeah, it's totally broken. Yeah, in the past week when he definitely admitted in public that he absolutely wanted to overturn the election. Oh, yeah. Like just not even playing, not even joking about it.

It just basically came out and said, yep, I wanted Mike Pence to basically launch a coup. Like, we were still like, yeah, yeah, he did. Of course he did. That's not, we knew that. Yeah, this is the thing. Yeah, we don't. And, you know, it sort of started back before he was even elected when it was like, you know, I could, what was it like, I could shoot someone on.

Oh, yes. I could shoot someone in the middle of Wall Street, in the middle of, what's that? Yeah, time square or something. You know, it was the equivalent of that. It's just saying like, and it wouldn't hurt my popularity. It might even help poor. Yeah, Fifth Avenue, that's right. Fifth Avenue.

And I'm paraphrasing, but that was, that was what he said. Which was a shocking thing to say, objectively, if anyone else had said it. Yeah, true. Yeah. So, so, yeah, you stop, you just stop reacting. And it kind of, I mean, this is what they say about, like, this is Russian propaganda. This is actually like the propaganda theory, right? Like, this is what, because we all kind of look over at Russia and Russians and go like,

oh, I can't believe they believe. They believe that nonsense that comes out, you know, in state-sponsored media. Like, oh, they're clearly being lied to. And it's not that they believe it. It's that they don't believe anything. That's how propaganda works. And this is a little bit different. You know, we're not talking about propaganda, per se.

But it's this idea that you numb, you numb out the audience so much that they no longer know what's real. Because I was thinking last week, in trying to put the show together, I think, well, I mean, it's pretty amazing what Trump's just said. That is, it's an absolute bombshell. Deeply shocking, American democracy is genuinely in massive trouble, right? Yes. And then I thought, oh, but we've just done so much stuff on Trump. No, no, let's not talk about that. Let's talk about neighbors.

Yeah. Yeah, that headline did. Yeah, I'd probably edged Trump out of quite a few bolsons today. Which is talk about the end of the world's most powerful and influential democracy. But a soap just got axed. Yeah. Half-axed. Not even like fully axed, like maybe axed.

Anyway, you can look into that if you want. But the thing I would say about Trump and going like, oh, should we cover it? Should we not? That is like a media professional's perspective. People still, at least as late as like the end of last year. Thanks, I'm glad. When I was making a daily news podcast, it was like, people, you just get this weird spike in numbers every time you talked about Trump. Yeah.

And it's like, oh, that's how we got elected. Well, the strange thing about this podcast versus the signal is that we tend to bump, Whenever Charles, like, injures a child, which happens about once every week. Yeah, for some reason, that does have a ratio of a really strong weekly ratio. It's always very funny, so we just tend to bump. So I think that's the problem with other news podcasts, is they don't have a co-presenter who basically is a menace to children. Thank you for your patience.

Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore. Fizz is 100% online. can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply. Details at fizz.ca. None of the medical advice contained in the Chaser report

should legally be considered medical advice. The Chaser Report. But no, it must be a weird adjustment having gone from that intense. Every day, what's in the news cycle, let's come up with a sort of take on this, to now being a touring comedian, just doing one show, and that's your deliverable.

Like, you've got an hour to do. do and that's it. It's super weird and I don't, I'd be lying if I said I'd adjust it because I'm so used to just not having any time whatsoever and now I've got time. I think I'm screwing up having a break, having a holiday. Like, yeah, yeah, because I'm, because people are like, how you, oh, you must be so relaxed. How are you doing? I'm like, no, like, no, not at all. And I'm so mad at myself because I've, if you guys know how to relax and chill out and have a nice time. No, tell me. Not a clue. Oh, far out. I haven't had a single week off all summer.

I'm basically broken, yeah, no. I'm not even sure I do this job because I like it. I do it because it gives me a thing to do. Because, yeah, I totally get how you feel like it's so different having a set hour. And then like this job, I have to come in and make jokes about things that are happening in real time. Whereas my set hour is just my set hour. And I'm like, that's done. I went and saw it.

It's really good. But it's infinitely, then you go to do it. And you're like, I've just fucking forgotten everything I've ever written for this fucking thing. Like, I cannot relax. I cannot just sit there and wait for the next show. Like, it's so tricky. I'm just, I'm just sitting here and I'm realizing that not only have I had no holiday at all, but we have a baby due in about nine weeks.

So I'm, I'm, I'm destroyed. Like, I'm going to, I'm going to die. That's like a show as well, though. Yeah, that is a show. I'll take some notes. You just do the same thing every day for a while and then you develop it as time goes on. So what have you been trying? Like, people might say, you know, you could do meditation.

massage is not quite an option in COVID or is it like what do you do? I've started doing a lot of free work. That's something that I've been doing. I'm just like, do you just want me to... Is that? Oh, free work like coming on this podcast. Right. Like this kind of thing.

Like a lot of stuff for like just local radio because I'm like, hey, this is this funny thing I want to talk about. I'm like, I'm missing microphones and they're like, sure. Yeah, you can go on the radio. That's fine. What else have I been doing? I've been trying to read. I decided I was going to like try and.

get in the ocean more often, that's fine, but then, you know, you get out and you're like, I don't know. Is this just what life is, a series of moments strung together, acts that begin and then finish and then you think about what you might, what the next one might be? I don't, anyway, look, I'm having a moment. Now, one thing that I know that you've tried that I've always been curious about, you know, you go to like a massage provider. They've got like the head, massage, shoulders back and all that.

And there's something on the list that I've never entirely understood how it worked. It's something called cupping. Oh. And if it was spooning, right? Like if you went in there and you just got spooned for a bit, that would be kind of, kind of weird, but also lovely, but cupping seems to leave, I don't know, lumps. You don't know about cupping?

No. Okay, so I had a cupping experience recently. And what happened was I was not making good decisions because I was a bit hungover. And so we'd gone into Chinatown for a bit of yamchar and was sort of wandering around. And we wandered past this, like, weird little alley that was like, massage this way and we're like you know what life's short let's go for it um so this this is how you got COVID anyway yep and so my partner and I we went it down this this dark alley into um this sort of massage part and we like looked at the price price list and we were like we don't

we don't think this is like a sex on-prem thing yeah we'll will you know try our luck and and and then we sort of we were like I'ming and a Rang and we thought it was a terrible idea in the end we walked away and then we were like one foot at the door we're like no we're not doing anything let's just go back in so so against all of our better judgment we we had signed up to do this and then we get in there and the first red flag was like they didn't they were like okay do you take off your things now and and like there was no like leaving or walking away it was just like eyeballing as well oh undress and we're like but you're you're already kind of vulnerable like you're quite and you're like you want to be you want to be polite you want to be amenable just

because that's how we're socialized. And, you know, there's a bit of a language barrier going on. And so you just kind of like, okay, I guess maybe this is like, this is just how they do it in this massage parlor, whatever. Just by staring at you. I'm staring at you. And so we like very uncomfortably, like, you know, just shuck out clothing and sort of stand there like.

Like, that would be a terrible date, wouldn't it? Like one not stand and so I was just going, go on, go on. Not a first date. Do you not want to take a first date yet. Time to undress. And so we did. and then we lay down and there was no oil or anything

there was just kind of like and they were rough and like I don't like I've never had a massage this rough and like you know my partner's next to me he's like quite a big dude and like he's just like I'm hearing him like in audible pain squealing yeah

squealing like a little baby he's voice probably hadn't previously now occasionally you do get someone who just is brutal and you just I don't know like that basically it's kind of beating you up. Yeah.

Oh my God. It crosses a line into actually bending you up. And then, you know, there's some part of me that's kind of like, well, it hurts. And so there must be some merit to this in the same way that things that are difficult in life, you know, have utility. Yeah. I'm going to be so relaxed after this hour long pummeling.

It's a withstanding of all that, like, of adversity. Yeah. The goal is the ending. Seriously, that is the logic. Like, I know it's twisted, but like, you're there to relax and have a nice time. And also the vulnerability thing. So at this point, you're now like just about naked and you're lying there and you're kind of feeling pretty vulnerable and the lighting's really bright and they haven't got music on. Oh, no, no.

I'm silent. And the happy ending is just like, it's just stopped. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm glad that it's stopped. The happy ending is you get to live. This is a massage parlor from the fucking Matrix. It's like, yeah. It's like, yeah.

So we're being pummeled and then like, and then at some point he's like, oh, you're like really, you're really tense. And I'm like, I wasn't before, but I am now. And he's like, yeah, you're really tense. What about cupping? And I was like, honestly, just, I don't, I'm like, I don't know what that is. But like, I said that to him. And he's like, oh, it's like 3,000 years old Chinese medicine. I'm like, oh, yeah, I guess that's the same as being like approved by the TGA.

Let's go for it. Plus, if it means you'll stop doing this, I'm in. That was actually a central part of my logic. I was kind of like, it'll be a break. It'll be a break from whatever this is. And so we'll do it. And anyway, cut to me, like, 19 cups on my back in, like, a comparable amount of pain to what I was before. But, like, look, it's, you know, we're mixing it up and so that's good.

So, hang on. So when you say cup, are we talking, we're not talking about, like, a trophy? It's not like a, are we talking about a glass cup? So there's a lot of different kinds, and I was faced down, it'll not surprise you know. So they're all in your back. So you're kind of like a porcupine. And, yeah, and they have like a little contraption that allows. them to sort of tighten.

So they pop it on you and then they tighten it and it sort of like pulls the skin up into the cup. So it's like raised. And then when they come off and they leave them there for however long and then it comes off and you've got like these welts on your back. Like intense bruising. Like it's just all burst capillaries.

And that's what the swimmer's got right. At the Olympics, everyone was like they look like they've been bashed with circular like a giant colander or something. Yeah. So I didn't really know when they sort of said that to me Like, you know, and we, we did survive. Like, spoiler, we walked out of there and survived.

But I looked, I looked ridiculous. You know, I had, like, these 19 welts, massive, like, purple, like, nearly black bruises on my back. So there's actual, like, below the surface bleeding that goes on. And that's the treatment, right? That's the treatment. And I was like, I don't, I mean, I said yes because he was, like, 3,000 years old Chinese nurse. And I'm like, I feel it sounds like acupuncture. Like, maybe this is kind of, like, in the acupuncture family, like, you know, it's kind of.

Acupuncture with cups. Yeah, it's like, you know, it's like, I don't know about Chi, like the life force, but there are some, you know, good outcomes, but we don't really know what it is, and like some people at Harvard have looked into it, and it's kind of like, it's got this quasi-legitimacy, but I found out too late afterwards that it is not any of those things, it is, like, widely, completely regarded as, like, abject quackery. I actually looked at the Wikipedia page not so long afterwards, and quackery was, like, in the first paragraph, which is really embarrassing.

And then more embarrassing is that everyone else seems to have got to this knowledge before me. And so everyone who saw my bruises for the next, and it's summer, right? So like people are saying, anyone who saw my bruises for the next like three weeks, two, three weeks after that, there's still, like, you can see traces of them now. And it was like nearly a month ago. Anyone who saw them was like, oh, yeah, I used to do that. Oh, no. Maybe it's something you only try once.

So for 3,000 years, people have. been trying cupping once and go, this is bullshit. The whole suction thing was really, like, you've done it? Well, I haven't done it, but like, it was, I've never had a massage in my life, apart from friends. I've never paid for one, no.

Because I just, I am such a socially awkward person in a room like that. Like, it is that vulnerability that if I didn't like it, you can bet your ass, I'm not telling them. I'd be like, I guess just beat me up, like, whatever you're going to do. So, yeah, I've never paid for it. I'd rather get beaten up by my friends and family. Hey, hey. But suction, like, suction trends were like huge in, like,

2016 because I remember as well at the same time as cupping becoming like this big thing that everyone did for a while they also had like the lip thing where it was like they made there was so many contraptions on the market for like plumber lips. Oh. Where you just kind of injure the lips a bit. You'd basically put a cup like it was like a little cup on your mouth and you'd inhale and your lips would go through anyway that was completely disproven which is why I imagine cupping was also disproven because all the capillaries can burst permanently like it was like people were doing permanent damage to their lips and their mouth. I mean, it's tough because we want to respect other cultures.

We realize that there are other traditions and some of them contain wisdom and then you test where it works. But in general, the older a tradition, like of something medical ears, the less accurate, right? Like, right. Yeah, like there are instances in which like old equals good. It's like if a building has been standing since like 1,000 BC, you're like, well, that's a pretty good building. Yeah, it's been built low. When it comes to, like, science and tech and some of the kind of byproducts of reason,

you know, I feel like we've got it better, we've got it right more recently. You know, like it's, like, you know, we've only had the light bulb since like 1879, but like that's not a bad thing. It's new, but we like it. We like the light bulb, you know, like 1,000 years BC, you know, I don't, I'm not going back. Like, we still do have leeches, though, by the way. Apparently, you know, yeah, they order something with the leeches. But if you've got it in the massage parlour and they produced a bunch of leeches,

and that at least would have been, you know, somewhat legitimate. This checks out. This checks out. Yeah, so I found out in the course of, like, debunking my own experience, you know, the science of this thing that I'd just done. It's so devastating, by the way, to be like, I mean, everyone was wrong about cupping, but I'm wrong five years late, which I hate. I hate that so much.

But yes, in the course of kind of looking into the science that doesn't exist about cupping, I also found out that they're still using maggots and they're still using leeches in hospital. Oh, there you go. I think I'd rather leeches than getting beaten up by MSA. Nah, just beat me up. Beat me up before you stick a leach on me. So, maggots. Does cupping make it onto the list of the 99 problems?

You know, it didn't, but it turns out it does now. Maybe you can shaft something else. Yeah, it's a bigger problem than some of the other things on that list. Photosensitivity makes the list, so I'm pretty sure cupping's a bigger problem. I can imagine my version. Like, oh, my career is a complete disaster. I don't know what I'm doing. Oh, but forget that cupping.

When are you doing the show, Ange? I'm doing this show next in Adelaide for The Fringe. So that's from the opening week onwards. So like mid-Feb, it's so soon. And then I'll also be doing Melbourne International Comedy Festival. Yeah. And we're in the same venue, I think. think Gabby we're like butterfly club yeah we're at butterfly club together and so yeah and then I'm

doing Sydney Comedy Festival as well so a bunch of gigs Gabby's doing some as well yeah hoping that all these things actually have let's assume I think we're no more lockdowns I'll tell you what if they don't I'll go get cupping done if this gig gets cancelled that's your rock bottom yeah that's where rock bottom and I'll and I'll mark it with a cupping session I will also go and get cupping again we should you know what we'll say here if our shows get cancelled we'll book a double just to prove that that's not the worst thing that could happen to document and then the next time we feel sad we can be like hey at least it wasn't forcibly induced double cupping session you could get them to spell out sad with the little cups couldn't you on in welts comedy thanks very much and it's great

to have you back thanks tom agis and red microphones are part of the a cast creator network catch you tomorrow morning bye bye thank you for your patience your call is important Can't take being on hold anymore. FIS is 100% online, so you can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply. Details at fizz.ca.