The Chaser Report - ARVO: Bring Back Cannibalism with Sami Shah

Episode Date: February 4, 2022

It wouldn't be The Chaser Report without a weekly chat to our good friend Sami Shah, so Dom, Charles, and Gabbi all find out what Sami has been up to since they last spoke. Sami and Gabbi discuss the fine art of binge watching Marvel movies, and Sami asks the timeless question: how do you cook a billionaire? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello, welcome to this special edition of The Chaser Report for Friday the 4th of February. Can I just up in? Gabby, what is going on? Gabby was dancing during the intro and punched her microphone. I'm Dominique Gabby Baltie and Sammy Shah is back for 2022. Sammy, what did you make of what just happened in the Zoom? Didn't you guys get these mics for free from a sponsor?

Is Gabby not beating up your sponsor's gifts now And thus is proving to be ungrateful For the generosity of your sponsors You could say she's road testing them They say shockproof On the label I was just given in a road test And I can confirm I'm still on I'm still I

It's Gabby proof Because you socked it there Like that was pretty much Yeah yeah yeah That was a that was a It's spun around I was just trying to dance To the sweet dolcet tones

of our fake news intro. Sorry. Sorry for enjoying the podcast. I'll just go back to being a fucking observer. That's fine. Shall we find out what Sammy Shara is actually talking about right after this? Sure. The Chaser Report.

News you can't trust. Sammy. Did you have a good Christmas? So before I tell you about my Christmas, is this, did you guys just come back? Have you been doing episodes without me And no one had bothered to tell me Or are you just now restarting

This has been our first week Yeah, we had a month of rehashed Chat with other members of the chaser About when we were popular and successful Ah, okay, I don't listen if I'm not on So obviously I would have had no idea at all I don't listen to what I am on I must say our ratings have never been higher

Yes, with the reruns No, it's a I had wonderful Christmas I, Charles, if you remember, I had told you before going to Christmas that I was going to be watching movies in the cinema and then eating a Chinese dinner alone and everyone, I got a lot of messages after I put that on the podcast from people saying, we're inviting you to a family dinner and a lot of lovely people who wanted me to catch COVID with the rest of their families, basically. And I declined all of those and I did go to the cinema and I did watch three movies back to back. I watched Dune, I watched the French Dispatch, and I watched licorice pizza. And all three were phenomenal. I had a great time. Then I had a Chinese dinner, and it was amazing. And my life has been great ever since, basically.

It turned things around for me. Hang on. So did you, and you didn't catch Omicron during the whole? You know what? Okay, I have a theory that I would have possibly have gotten it at some point and being one of those people who's asymptomatic. Because let's keep in mind, I have Pakistani genes. Like, I can sneeze out AIDS and be done with it in an afternoon.

Like, fucking COVID's got nothing on me. It attacks the immune system. Please, I was inhaling carbon monoxide at birth. I used cigarettes to clear the lungs, all right? Like, this is where I come from. I could have had Omicron, died from it, and woken up after an afternoon nap, and not even known. I really think I was asymptomatic and I've been just super spreader. for the rest of Melbourne without realizing it.

I'm glad you said that because that's pretty much the approach of the Modi government as well. Yes. That South Asian genes are so bulletproof. They were saying initially that they had no cases in the whole country for months. Well, I mean, that's the Modi government's approach, which is they have no cases in the whole country, just don't look at all these massive bonfires that smell of roasting human flesh. And that tends to be his approach to actually all politics and all political issues.

And just like that, you've lost all your Indian sponsors, unfortunately. you're not going to be sponsored by the Adani coal mine anymore I read the articles about all the giant bonfires I've been to those bonfires and the smell is let's just say it's distinct but yes and there was going on is it like roast pork because that's what cannibal say right Gabby's going to check out

he's going to vomit I was too busy covering my nose so as not to breathe in little caramelised bits of dead people basically it's a unique experience I recommend going down next to the Ganges, the Holy River, best place to get cremated in the whole world, according to Hindu tradition. Yeah, absolutely.

And also the best place to just develop, you know, inoculation against all kinds of diseases. One dip in the Ganges and nothing can ever touch you again. I'm sure that's true. You know, you are Superman to every virus out there, basically. So yeah, you know, I'm down with that. No, I've just basically been avoiding the world the way everyone else has. I've stayed home because I'm paranoid about Omicron until I got my booster. Now that I'm boosted, I'm kind of venturing out again very cautiously.

Yeah, I'm the same. Although, I've got to say, I actually did think of you on Christmas. Not that I would never have thought of you on Christmas. No, thank you very much. I'm very Christmassy in my vibe. I did think of you on Christmas because after we did that segment, I then had to isolate over Christmas Day and Boxing Day because I was a close contact. So I didn't have COVID, but I had to basically pretend that I had because I had to isolate for seven days.

And I went, no, I'm not going to let this be a depressing day that I can't see my family and I can't go and celebrate with my non-religious friends and family on a day that is, whatever, fuck, we get each other's gifts and whatever. Everything's online now anyway. I said, I'm going to take the Sammy Shire approach and I'm just going to watch some movies. And I watched like the entire Marvel Cinematic Universe.

I'd never seen any of it. Oh, you went through a journey. All of it. I literally spent two or three whole days just back-to-back superhero movies. I was, like, dreaming that I was, like, fucking old-be-petent. So what was, what's the worst one? Oh, well, the one that I didn't watch, because I figured it was just a white man fighting people,

which is Captain America. I haven't seen that one. Oh, you fool! Yeah, I just haven't watched that. Captain America is amazing. The worst one is Eternals. I haven't seen that. I thought it was Thor the Dark World.

That's the only one I haven't seen. You know what? Eternals is worse than even Thor the Dark World. The first question, Gabby, is what order did you watch them in? Did you watch an order of release or do you watch some chronological order? There was no logical order, so I wanted to watch Spider-Man, because I like Spider-Man. Historically, I've always liked Toby McGuire and Andrew Garford, and I was on a bit of a thirst-trap mission. So I watched The Amazing Spider-Man one and two horrible films.

That's a very low bar. I guess I'll find out what Spider-Man's up to now. So then I watched Spider-Man Homecoming knowing absolutely no context. And then I went, probably should find out the context. I watched Civil War just for the Spider-Man bits. And I was like, oh, okay, I get it now. And then I was like, oh, what happens to Spider-Man after this? Well, chronologically, according to the internet, it was Infinity War and Endgame.

So I watched Infinity War and Endgame with zero context. And I was like, oh, this is pretty fucked. That's like watching the third act of a story without watching Act 1 and Act 2. It's a whole new order. It's the Spider-Man's Thirst Trapp order. Well, see, I saw the light, right? Because I was really only in it for like Spider-Man's Toosh, but I had a great time anyway. Have you seen? No Way Home is what I looked at.

Yes. Oh, my gosh. I really got on the Spider-Man shit because then I watched... Hang on. But are they in the other movie? They're in Marvel. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Right. Okay. They're all everything. Charles's confusion. Yes. Charles' confusion stems from the fact that Sony owns the Spider-Man franchise, not the Marvel. Marvel made a partnership deal with Sony that Sony gets to keep all of the merchandising rights and all of those things. Whereas Marvel has a certain level of control over the film rights of Spider-Man and they get to incorporate Spider-Man.

And Marvel makes to get to get the... movies to be good, which Sony can't do. It's kind of like how... Exactly. It's kind of like how Gabby and Sammy previously appeared in the Irrational Fear Cinematic Universe. Oh, don't do this. That's true.

And now part of this cinematic universe. Yes, we crossed over. And even Dan crossed over. It's very similar except with much lower budgets. It's like... Yes, that's right. Gabby is Toby McGuire and I am Toby McGuire. Am I the first trap?

Am I the... Charles. The thirst trap doesn't have to ask if they're the... first track is the answer. So obviously it's dumb. But yeah, so then I watched all of those Spider-Man and then I thought, I feel a bit batshit and saying no one's going to think I'm a real fan so then I went back and I watched Iron Man one, two, three

and all of the Avengers and one of the Thor's because I couldn't get behind the first two. Did you watch Thor Regner Rock? Yes. Oh, that's the one I watched. Which is the best. The best one. It's the best movie. Until the next one. Well, look, I mean, honestly, you see, here's my thing. That sounded like to me a great holiday. There'll be lots of people who'll be like,

oh, that's so sad. It's an amazing time. I had a great fucking time. I didn't have to argue with any of my racist relatives. I didn't have to fucking deal with how's the piano going? I didn't have to do any of that.

It was great. I mean, yeah, that's much better. The scariest moment in my whole holidays was going to the Chaser Report kickoff meeting for 2022, sitting in close proximity to people from the team thinking that probably some of them had COVID, which they did.

Are we outing them? Are we outing who in the Chase Report team got COVID? Are we naming and shaming? We've named and shamed several a few weeks ago. But trying to sit like just a cup three meters away but still be part of the conversation. It was genuinely awkward. I would have much rather just gone to a movie. No, I loved it.

I lived on the high of it. So we've got that out of the way. Can we just talk about politics for a second, Sammy? Yeah, sure. Yes, the politics of the MCU are fascinating. I'm so sorry. I mean, look, like clearly the military industrial complex is represented by, you know, by Tony Stark and then their idealism, the American idealism that that runs up against and how those two are basically then embodied in Spider-Man, who is a product of both Captain America's idealism of the American dream and Tony Stark's idealism of the ability of the military industrial complex to create change in the world, all of it unified in a young boy from Queens. It is truly exactly what we should be talking about, Charles.

You're 100% right. Wakanda. We really need a real world. The real question about Wakanda is, does a black panther know the price of milk in Wakanda? Because really, if he doesn't deserve to be the king of Wakanda. I just want everyone to know that, like, I know you can't see us, but you, if you could, you could pause the moment where Charles realized his Segway got completely derailed. The Chaser Report, news a few days after it happens. But wouldn't we rather talk about, you know, Black Panther the notion of a technologically advanced civilization actually deciding to use its amazing research for the betterment of humanity, rather than Scott Morrison, who has achieved very, very little in three years, is probably going to be a re-elected regardless.

Isn't that a more depressing cinematic universe than the Marvel one? absolutely afrofuturism is far more exciting than Australian pastism or whatever we want to call the retrograde Australianism here's what I will say about Scott Morrison I think and this is I'm going to be controversial here because if I can't come on the chase and be controversial what the fuck am I doing here in the first place right so I think the current media coverage around Scott Morrison is a big backfire I think the entire thing about the text messages is going to make him more appealing and more relatable to the average Aussie because average Aussies know that all their friends

are cunts who will always talk shit about them behind their back and everyone right now is looking at Scott Morrison and going I feel you brother. I can guarantee you this will see a rise in the polls that will not be reflected by the polls because I continue to maintain that polling data is about as accurate as

the tarot but it's going to be the thing that actually for the first time has properly set him on the way to winning the next election. The fascinating subtext for this too is knowing that PVO certainly has for very long time been good mates of Christian Porter like very good mates of Christian Porter

and just thinking where did the text come from now I know Christian Porter he's denied that it was him but just wonder what the agendas are at play because clearly Dotto's having a bit of a swing in the mix there Porter's probably happy to just sort of I think if we use Sammy's analysis

this is probably an inside job it's probably No I think it's backfired It's backfired I think genuinely Peter Van Onsoulin needed to distract from the fact that he's Peter Van Onsulin.

And at this point that his continued existence as Peter Van Onsulin is hurting the Peter Van Onsillan brand. And so he thought tossing a grenade into a proverbial grenade into the National Press Club would be a good way of distracting from that.

And I don't think it worked because he is in the end Peter Van Onsoulin and representative of everything that a Peter Van Onsulin is capable of being and doing. That's the thing I thought about. I actually thought it was not. a comeback for the Liberal Party in any way. I thought it was Peter Van Elselen going,

this is my moment. He wanted to be Laurie Oaks, that's what that was. Yeah, he went, and here's my real investigative journalism. Forget dead rate victims' diaries. I've brought the text messages to the party. Let me a text. That's right, but I genuinely, genuinely believe that this has engendered sympathy for Scott Morrison

more than it has a vilification. I think it's a big mistake. But do you base that on anything other than your own opinion? Has anyone said to you Charles, Charles, I wasn't going to vote When is there a rule on this podcast? Since when is there a rule that any political theory has to be I have never researched a fucking thing

What do you want me to have research data? No, no, I'm just asking Like, have you had a conversation with anyone this week? No, I don't talk to people. Charles, this conversation is the first human interaction I have had in weeks And it's already way too much for me I'm not enjoying parts of it.

I watch out now. Like, it is being too stressful. I just want to know when Charles is going to unzip his skin suit to reveal Laura Tingle. I don't know why all of a sudden such a investing in general. Or is it actually Peter Van Honsolin in a charleston. He came for me. He's like, Gabby, I heard you've been talking shit. I really have brought up his shit this whole time.

But I don't know. I mean, my sense is that the polls are somewhat accurate, certainly at this point, given the she number of stuff-ups and the ruined summer we've all had. I kind of am wondering how many people out there going, yeah, we want more of this guy. Is that fair? I mean, it's just basic competence has to come in at some point, doesn't it?

One of the things that I saw that showed me just how far afield we are from reality, the political class, the journalistic class on Australia is, there was an opinion column published in, I believe, either the ABC or the Age, which said that Australians can forgive, corruption and they can forgive, you know, negligence, but they cannot forgive incompetence. And that is the biggest masturbatory nonsense I've ever heard. Because if you look at most Australian achievements right now in the last decade. Who wrote that op-ed? Was it Eddie Obed by any chance?

You know, I'll have to look it up. I can't remember. But I'm sure there were, like, it was someone who gets paid on my drink columns. Yeah, basically. But it's just this thing where we all assume. Everyone has gone. Yeah, exactly. That would be a more likely subject for that. But we all assume, you know,

we're at this point now where Australians are sick to death of Scott Morrison and the Liberal Party government. And I think they're sick to death of the Liberal Party government, but I think we're underestimating how much appeal a bland man in cocky pants has

for the average Aussie. Yeah. I really do. It's just a real bloke, you know? Yeah. I also buy those pants from Lowe's for two for one. Exactly. I too don't know how much bread cost

I don't know how much bread costs I'll be very honest I just go through it in the fucking bag I'm living high on Patreon money What the fuck do I care? I reckon your thinking is like two months old Because I reckon Scott Morrison Has gone from being the daggy dad

That everyone wants to elect To being the creepy uncle I reckon there's been a shift Where you just go Nah he's a bit of a creep Like he's sort of this sort of awful creepy But Charles, look at majority

of the voting population who tends to vote for Liberal Party and stuff, right? It's not us. It's going to be rich creepy uncles in outer suburbs. Rich creepy uncles in the suburbs. He signed up the creepy uncle vote. Yeah, and poor creepy uncles in country towns. And so

basically, the creepy uncle vote is a massive part of the Australian voting. But women exist. What? Do they? What? Do they? I don't know. There's a panel on the screen that says Gabby Bolt, but there's no one in it, clearly. So I don't know what you're talking about. I always thought I was a puppet for the CCP, and here I am, like a real woman.

I'm a real woman. Is he going to get dumped? Because it seems from all the background and going on and the leaking going on, that there are certainly people who think he's toast. We need to do the old Australian tradition of switching him out before the poll. Who for whom? Because Josh Frydenberg's the only option. It can't be Peter Dutton.

I'm sure Peter Dutton thinks Peter Dutton's the only option. Of course he does. But he can't count, famously. I honestly, and it won't happen. It's really wishful thinking. I just kind of wish they'd throw like the next person they hire, like first day on the job. They're like, congrats. You now work for the Liberal Party.

By the way, you're the Prime Minister. I would love to see that. I just think that actually has a 100% chance of being better than any of the other options. It could be you, Gabby. You could just say I'm Andrew Bolt's daughter. They wouldn't do any research or. check anything. It'd be like, oh, yeah? Yeah, that'd be great.

Except you're a woman. Another thing I wanted to rise to you, Sam, is that tweet. Mm-hmm. You know the tweet. Wait, my tweet or Scott Voice's tweet? Which one? Well, that's the question I have for you. Which billionaire are you going to wait? Oh, that tweet.

The tweet that went basically on the front page of Reddit of mine. But I didn't post it there. Someone else posted there. Got it all the Reddit gold off of a screenshot of my tweet. Meanwhile, I'm still toiling in the doldrums of Reddit. I tweeted out ages ago

A dumb joke like you do on Twitter At 2 o'clock in the morning When you've had a few drinks Is something along the lines of like You know, if we eat just one billionaire All the rest will fall in line Now, I tweet out a thousand things a week And I'll never understand why some of them go viral

And why some of them don't Because that is not one of my best tweets By far I think the one in which I I think the tweet a few weeks ago In which I managed to piss off The entire boycott divest BDS program

in all of Australia and somehow be called a pro-apartheid anti-Palestinian activist was my best work because it was just fucking entertaining. But I think that that tweet somehow going viral has become my way to a cash cow. Maybe people melt the burning flesh in India and got a taste for billionaires. I'll tell you what, it's a fucking day for segways today. I just thought he's an amazing idea for a cooking show. Yeah, yeah. So what I've done is I want to fund that cooking show

so I have now minted that tweet and put it out as an NFT and you can bid on the tweet and eventually I might make $5 off it, which I'm not going to happen. But still, I thought it was funny. And who would you choose out of all the billionaires? That's my question. The first one to make the others fall in line, you mean?

I mean, Jim. Jeff Bezos would be a bit stringy, wouldn't he? See, he would have been a lot more delicious when he was younger, when he had a little bit... He was still a little bit, like, you know, out of shape and thus a little softer and stuff. He's now doing that whole NFT bro kind of workout regime clearly, where it's no protein, it's all...

Sorry, it's just protein. He must smell terrible. He's got 0% body fat. He wears sweater, you know, sweat a vest all the time. A soup. You could probably boil his bones in a soup. I mean, Elon Musk wouldn't take it. taste bad because he's South African food is amazing and it really has some great flavors to

it and stuff so he's not bad um I mean I say we start with the old school yeah yeah back to Bill Gates oh no no I was going to go Bill Gates you know the first the first celebrity billionaire for in our generation he would he would taste like mutton because I think because they isn't it isn't there a slight lamb flavor to you know what it tastes like in the seven You get those recipe books of like what people used to cook in the 70s where it was a lot of gelatinous stuff. Yeah, basically. It was boiled, awful and jelly.

Yeah, and just maybe a little bit of salt and no pepper. That's what Bill Gates would taste. Come on. Guys. By the way, Dom is so lost in thought. I think he's actually come up with a recipe. I'm just wondering the other. I mean, the one that I think would be an interesting option is Kanye,

because he is a billionaire now. Yeah. And I just think, I mean, he'd want something really creative and different, wouldn't he? He'd want to be alive or something? Is he a billionaire or is he a millionaire, though? Supposedly a billionaire, they say. Yeah, but he says that shit all the time. He doesn't prove it.

What about that's that matter of home grind, like Clive Palmer. Oh, he just tastes like a bad meat pie. He tastes like lonely the fat of a chop. Yeah. Like, like, that's all right? No, because the thing about eating chops is you cut the fat off. No, Gabby, you sear the fat, and then you. You cut it off and eat it, and it's a whole separate part of the cuisine.

You're missing out, trust me. Sorry, I've really enjoyed chops the way divorced dads cook them. So, like, I don't actually know how they taste at all. As a divorced dad, I take offense to that statement. I'm so sorry. Sorry, I should have specified white divorced dad. Oh, yeah, that's fine. Jerry Harvey's interesting.

The federal government would probably pay you to cook Jerry Harvey. Yeah, but he would taste so bad. He tastes like leather. That would be stringy chicken. No, I don't know. I'm still, I think, look, in the end, we're missing the original point of my tweet, which was that it doesn't matter which one you eat or how you eat it. It's to send a message to the others.

Here's the thing, though. Here's the one thing I don't think you've accounted for in this tweet and it's ideology, Sammy. All of these people have fucking fucked egos. So if they hear word that one of their own got eaten, their first thought will not be, oh, fuck, I might be. a bit worried that I might get eaten. No, their first thought would go, brilliant, less competition. Yeah, yeah.

Like, if Jeff Bezos got eaten, you know that Elon Musk would be going and be out of by Amazon, like. Elon Musk would immediately buy the NFT of that dish. Or they'd go, I demand to be number two, make this happen. Yeah, maybe they'd self-funded it because they would have already uploaded their entire conscience whatever's left of it. And Richard Branson would be trying to make you eat him. Just to be part of the conversation

If you can make it half price maybe Richard Branson would say eat me But it's got to be vegan The ultimate irony would be If someone actually buys the NFT of my tweet For a billion dollars Thus rendering me a billionaire And then forcing me to be on the menu

Which would really teach me a lesson So please do that Self prophesies Definitely teach me a lesson If you manifest you can achieve Is this going to be the conversation that finally gets the chase report into a massive outrage scandal because I'm surprised we've avoided it thus far.

I mean, I feel like discussing cannibalism in depth probably will be the thing that pisses a lot of people off. I don't know. I think cannibalism's coming back in, isn't it? Yeah, I think you're right. When was it ever in? When was that a friend? Is there something to happen in the 70s that I don't know about?

1770s, Captain Cook was a, you know. Oh, sorry, yeah, no, I don't get. That's a cook. Tasmania has a rich tradition of cannibalism. Yeah. One that needs to be revived, exactly. That's right. Gets behind Chaser's new get-up campaign, bring cannibalism back.

The Captain Cook Cook Book. That's the title of the podcast. Our gear is from Road Microphone. We're part of the A-Cast Created Network. Sammy, it's been such a pleasure. Thank you very much for having me back. I miss these conversations. I miss our attempts to destroy society.

I don't want to eat you, even if you do become a billionaire off that tweet. That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to be told And guys, I'm just going to go marinate on that thought Yeah