The Chaser Report - ARVO: Dylan Behan's Ukraine Rundown

Episode Date: February 25, 2022

Dylan Behan, host of 'NewsFighters' podcast joins the team for an Arvo Chat. Dylan brings all the freshest clips to summarise Australia's response to the Ukraine-Russia situation. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chase of Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report for Friday, the 25th of February. I'm Charles Firth. I'm Gabby Boltz. I'm Alex Servilevich. And today, we are joined by the wonderful Dylan Bean, who is host of Newsfighters podcast. Dylan, how are you going? Good, Charles.

How are you guys going? Good. It's a good day Yeah, it's a pretty It's a great week It's been a big week Hasn't it Yeah

There's a lot going on So what I normally do Is I bring all the news clips So will we just Start off with the absolute Biggest story Making the rounds For anyone that's been paying attention

Now I edited together This montage of the biggest news story In the world right now Have a listen The Wild 200 kilogram bear named Hank the tank Is on the loose Meet public enemy number one in California's Lake Tahoe, Hank the Tank.

Hank the Tank. Hank the Tank, a 230-kilogram black bear. A big bear break-in. Many residents, though, are a little concerned he'll be euthanized despite never actually attacking anyone, just the fridges. Okay, that's the wrong clip, sorry, it was meant to be about Russia-invading Ukraine. But this is way better. Let's talk about this.

Hank the Tank was my nickname in high school. Sorry, I've been too involved in the Hank the Tank story. Did Russia invade Ukraine? I missed that one. Yes, yes. Russia has actually invaded Ukraine, but I don't know. By the time this goes to where it could all be over, I mean, maybe they've installed another. Send in Hank.

I feel like they're just after the fridges. They're not going to hurt people. But Ukraine famously already had a TV comedian as its president. Maybe Russia will install another TV comedian. Charles, do you want to put your hand up or we volunteer them, Sean McCullough, or Tom Gleason or someone. Nice. Yeah, well, I think the lesson is, if you put a comedian in as president,

you end up going to war. No one understands your jokes. Yeah, like, I think it's sort of like everyone's going, why did Putin do this? Why would he possibly do this? Hate jokes. Because a stand-up comedian got elected next door, and it's like, well, that'll be easy to take over, won't it?

What's the deal with Russians? Now, I don't know if you guys been following the background, the only thing I can figure out, the main, Putin's main grievance is like Ukraine was maybe thinking about joining NATO. That's what Putin's been talking about for quite a while. Putin was even talking about it. He does this annual press conference. He was talking about it last year.

Have a listen. We've seen five waves of NATO expansion. Now they're in Romania and in Poland. In this sense, we have made it clear that any further NATO movement to the east is unacceptable. There is nothing unclear. about this. We are not deploying our missiles over at the borders of the US. No. On the other hand, the US is deploying its missiles close to our home on the porch of our house. Okay, so that's Putin's translator, not actually Putin. But yes, he said it's like the US putting

missiles on the porch of their house, but then they invaded the other house? I don't quite get it. A bit of an overreaction, I think. But no, no, no, I think that's fair, which is like, Which is like, so say Russia did a deal with Mexico. Yeah. And set up a whole alliance between Mexico and Russia. Well, it's already happened in the past with a Cuban missile crisis. Exactly. It's like, you got missiles on the border, no one wants that.

See, JFK didn't invade Guam or Puerto Rico or somewhere else. Just the other Latin American country. Yeah, Cuba. I think it's funny whenever there's a translation of a foreign diplomat, They always have someone with a very strong Russian accent. I'd love for once to hear just like, I don't know, who's that guy like Puddy from Seinfeld doing, doing Putin? I'd love to hear like a Valley Girl.

Yeah, yeah. They have puttin missiles on the borders of our houses. I want to hear Morgan Freeman. That'd be amazing. You'd trust him. There'd be a film. That'd be incredible. He'd get paid so much money to do that.

So I listen to a lot of this press conference. Every year, Putin does a four-hour news conference, and it's to kind of give the illusion that there's free press in Russia. So all the journalists are in this huge room, and they hold up pieces of paper like their bidders at an auction bidding on trying not to get poisoned or murdered. Oh, like Q&A Australia, yeah. But any question he answers,

and he answer any question because it goes for four hours, he still sounds evil. Like, listen to this. He was asked about what he wanted for Christmas from Father Frost, which is the Russian Santa Claus. And I hope that Father Frost will accompany each of us not only with presents, but also with carrying out and implementing and succeeding in all our plans,

the plans of each citizen of the Russian Federation. Can I just say even the translator sounded hesitant? It was like he was listening, and then halfway through he was like, I don't want to say this. Like, not only with presents, but, oh. He knows if you've been good or bad. But there's been a wide, big international reaction overnight to the invasion. Here's British Prime Minister Boris Johnson.

Our worst fears have now come true, and all our warnings have proved tragically accurate. President Putin of Russia has unleashed war in our European continent. Hey, hey, hey, and wait a second. Now you're part of Europe? You voted out of that. Brexit denied. I must say, when I heard him say, our worst fears have been realised,

I thought he was talking about that, you know, they'd conducted a paternity test on the rest of the people in the UK. Turns out Zelensky's his son. That's why he's really upset about this. I thought it would be about how vodka's about to shoot up in price. Oh. The parties are about to be heller expensive.

That's a real issue. Yeah. All these garden parts. is at number 10, they're going more expensive. No more B.YO. It's going to be like, definitely B.YO. What is in it, you're right, though. What is in it for Boris Johnson to be on Europe's side?

Like, maybe this is the point at which you sort of flip sides. I mean, he's already done the Brexit thing. I want to go the whole hog back in Russia. Yeah, well, I mean, the Conservative Party in England is like famously funded by heaps of Russian oligarchs. Yeah, yeah. They got so much money. It's like, yeah.

What are they called Putin's? purses or something like that they're the people who hold it's true like there's all these oligarchs in london who who are holding on to putin's money and they buy all these london properties and that's why to get a terrace house in in downtown london cost about a hundred million pounds now well i kind of i kind of resent the oligarch title i feel like we should be using it for jena reinhart and other people you know like it only applies to russian billionaires involved in politics um it is it is a cooler word than billionaire though yeah And it's just, it's more menacing, and I think it's appropriate.

Yeah. Is this Johnson's housing affordability policy? Get the Russian oligarchs out of one. I don't know how. I mean, how is the British economy going to survive without Russian oligarchs? Like, don't they? All their soccer teams will just disappear. Yeah, the salary cap will be like 20 quid now.

None of the medical advice contained in the Chaser report should legally be considered medical advice. The Chaser Report. Meanwhile, back in Australia, some people were talking tough, and you know who was talking tough, was the guy who's weak on China, Anthony Albanesey. Great. I call upon Russia to back off. Yet again, there is no place for the intimidation that we've seen.

And so did that word? Did that happen? Yeah, I know. I hear Putin heard the guy in Marrickville I see walking his dog in his shorts, and Putin was like, oh, I'm out now. Yeah, yep. Back off. Back off.

Yeah, back off, you bastard. That's how my dad. talks to flies and the flies always win yeah yeah they do I just god fuck this is um this has brought up so much Tony Abbott nostalgia yes yes it's not this again you bet you are you bet I am our actual prime minister actually Scott Morrison you've heard of him he stood up to Putin with some name calling too well back home and the Prime Minister has not held back labelling Vladimir Putin a thug and a bully They're behaving like thugs and bullies.

I mean, it's very odd to hear Morrison accusing someone else of being a bully for a change. Normally it's the other way around and it's from women. Normally he's not saying that Putin's a thug. He's just saying that anyone else is. Any young person in a regional or city area is a bug. Maybe it was a compliment. Maybe he thought it was a good. Oh, this guy's a bully in a thug.

I'm going to be best friends. He couldn't come and be a pastor at Hillsong any time. And then in terms of, so Australia's responded to the, the invasion by talking up sanctions? What we can do is the legislation our government brought in, which enables us to target individuals in Russia and to work with our partners, particularly the United States and UK, to ensure that we can freeze their assets, they can't move their money around, and because those who benefit from the aggression of Russia and support the regime and doing that, we can't

have them be able to go around and moving their money and going shopping at Harrods and they shouldn't be allowed to go and shop at Harrods or come down here to Australia or, you know, go and have a holiday up in North Queensland and do that sort of thing. Because we all know what's stopped the Nazis in World War II. It's when we ban them from buying souvenir teetals at Harrods. Remember when Winston Churchill stood up and said we'll put sanctions on them shopping at Harrods on the beaches? It's such an asymmetrical thread, isn't it?

So Putin's got 200,000 people on the borders. And their best response is, well, you won't be able to shop at Harrod's. Actually, as the resident office dumb bitch, I was, like, confused by this. Because I thought, sure, okay, you know, putting sanctions on Russia from an American standpoint probably would make a difference into what they export. But then I was like, what are they going to do without, like, why are we putting sanctions? Because, like, well, what will Russia do without their four and 20 pies and fucking foster's beer? But then I looked it up, it's actually aluminium, live animal exports, and wheat is what we give Russia.

Yeah, I saw a quote from Putin on Twitter, or someone quoting Putin from when he was here during APEC. And he asked him like, oh, now that you're in Australia, like, what do you think? Like, does it align with what you thought of the place? And he turns him, he's like, I never think of Australia. True. Seems like such a power move to be like, we're going to cut them off from what? They weren't using us. They don't give a shit about us.

Well, not true because Australia thinks we're going to be in line for some cyber retaliation. Now Australia is bracing for Russian retaliation, fearing the Kremlin could target the country with a fresh round, of cyber warfare. A malicious cyber activity. Of course, as I said yesterday, could impact Australian organisations. As if in the middle of Ukraine, they're going to be like, oh, quick, fire up the cyber attacks on Australia.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. What are they going to try and do? Cripple our train network? No, we can do that ourselves. Thank you very much, Putin. Yeah, because the other day it was raining really hard, and the MBN went out in my house.

The whole day. Russia. I know who that was. It wasn't Russia. It was the fucking rain. They must start with R, though. I reckon the only thing that Russia can do to hack us is improve our cyber networks.

Because they'd have to fix it up to be able to get in. They'd get frustrated. Yeah, if you ever have the internet working swimmingly well, know that that's because Russia have hacked you. We're also worried about Ukraine. We've decided to step up our humanitarian response and help the Ukrainians. Australia is also committed to fast-track visa applications for Ukrainians trying to flee to family here,

saying those applications will be assessed as a matter of urgency. We've taken all the visa applications of Ukrainian citizens and put them at the top of the pile, and I've asked them to be resolved as quickly as possible. Remember the war in Syria was on, the liberals were like, we've got to put a ban on Muslim refugees for a little while. Yeah. Yes, they're at the top of the pile with the opairs. Look, me and my partner waited four years for her visa.

So if they're expedited, they'll take like three years now. That's right. But Australia did announce this week we are stepping up our military capabilities. The Australian government is to spend more than 500 million US dollars on drones and helicopters to strengthen its presence in Antarctica. Yes, so look out, penguins of Antarctica. When you start annexing each other's territories, we're going to have eyes in the sky. Of course, the threat this whole time. Fucking penguin.

Oh, shifty little bastards. Who knew? The trackers on their feet from conservation companies are actually bombs. They're planning their attack. I, for one, accept our new Emperor Penguin overlords. So that's all we know about Ukraine so far. Scott Morrison's not doing much and nobody seems to care. Great.

I must say, though, like, I'll tell you what, it would, you know, because they tried last week to do the China scare campaign against the, Party. Like, they're clearly searching around for what's the best scare campaign later up to the election. You think there's more to this, do you? Well, I think the Antarctica threat is the most plausible. Like, out of all of them, you just go, like...

Happy Feet's about to be put on Netflix under biopic. Yeah, it could be a real, I mean... And also, like, it's not like anyone could debunk it. No. No one lives in the Antarctic. No. Like, there's no, there's no, prime minister of Antarctica who can come out and say, no, we're not going to invade you.

I mean, speak for yourself. They probably have a prime minister penguin, don't they? But that's where the challenge comes in. They'll be like, well, prove it, Labor, put more helicopters than we did in Antarctica. Yeah, yeah. If penguins swam here and, like, started killing people, I'd be fine with that. They're already here. Have you been to Cremorn?

Oh, I know. There's a whole colony. We are being swamped by penguins. Sorry, I mean specifically Antarctica penguins. Yes, I know. You have clearly planned a war. That's what I'm saying. The zoos are going to be anarchy, just bloodshed.

We always thought the threat came from the north, it came from the south. We'll give them Tasmania. Yeah. And we'll keep the mainland. It's Phillip Island. Yeah, great. Awesome.

Or if Alba gets elected, they can back off. Dylan, Ben, thank you so much. Dillon's podcast is called News Fire. It's out every... When does it? How often... Fortnitely now. Fortnightly, yeah, yeah. It's a brilliant podcast.

So subscribe to it in your podcast app of choice. Our gear is from Road Microphones. And we are part of the ACASTCRETA network. I'm a part of the Dolphin Network, famously forming an alliance with the killer emperor of penguins from Antarctica. He!