The Chaser Report - ARVO: Sami Shah admits he was wrong!

Episode Date: March 4, 2022

The wonderful Sami Shah joins Gabbi and Aleksa for an Arvo Chat, where Sami admits he was wrong about his future predictions of war! After apologies are out of the way, the team get into the good stuff and answer the hard hitting questions: which Disney character was your sexual awakening? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report for Friday the 4th of March. It is our special afternoon edition, and we're back here with Legend himself, Sammy Shaw. Hello. Hi, how are you going, Sammy? Good, good, good, good. I heard you're selling tickets all over Adelaide, Gabby. Just like, just everyone in Adelaide is buying tickets to your shows right now. Yeah.

You're going to run out of people in that city. I hear it's not that big. Both of the people in Adelaide are at your show right now. Sorry, I should have mentioned too. I'm also here with Alexa. It's hard when you're in a hotel. I'm not in Adelaide though. And no one would ever buy tickets to any of my shows.

My ego has never been bigger. I just forget everyone I've ever worked with. So are we telling everyone that we've killed Charles and Dorm and we've had enough of their bullshit and we've buried their bodies behind the studio? I think we picked the perfect timing. Everyone's focused on the invasion of Ukraine. This is when you get all you're killing out of the way. Okay.

So that's what I want to talk about. I want to apologize to our listeners. Oh, okay. All right. And here, the apology is, I don't apologize very often. As you know, I am a, I'm a person who never regrets anything he says because it, even though it destroys it, even though it consistently destroys his life and career, I stand by all of it.

I will apologize for one thing, though, which is last week, Charles and I were talking about Ukraine and the invasion had not yet happened. Charles asked me, what do you think will happen with Ukraine? do you think Putin will invade? I said, I don't think an invasion will happen. I think it'll just be a small slice-by-slice kind of thing where, you know, every day he'll just take a little bit more, a little bit more.

I don't think a full invasion will happen. We put out the episode and literally half an hour later the fucking invasion happened. I am going to do something that no one ever does in media is I am going to say I was 100% wrong. Wow. I got it so utterly and completely wrong that, I mean, literally said there will be no invasion as the tanks were rolling in. I mean, this is a getting it wrong on the scale of a British prime minister saying, you know, peace in our time just after

Hitler says, don't worry, I have no intentions towards Poland. Like, this was a full-on fuck-up on my part. So I'm going to say, I'm sorry, from now on, I will only ever, ever consider worst case scenarios as likely. Yeah. Welcome to my world. Look, yeah, you're not alone. You're not alone. Sammy. I think no one thought the war was going to happen apart from a couple of people in the State Department in the US. I was just so sure. I'm like, look, they talked about WMDs. They did all this other stuff. It was wrong. I'll just assume they're wrong. But they were right this time. And now we all have to apologize. No, there's definitely, look, there's a thing that, you know, as a Pakistani, it's very disappointing to

me that I did this. You know, as a Pakistan, you'd deal in worst-case scenarios because they've always come true. You know, we used to have politicians where you'd be like, God, anyone but that guy for prime minister, and then that guy always becomes prime minister. And then I came to Australia, and I remember talking to, this is doing the Julia Gillard government, and I looked at Tony Abbott and I was like,

he'll be the prime minister. And everyone in Australia at the time, every journalist everyone was like, never going to happen. Look at Tony Abbott. He's a fucking idiot. And I don't know, can we be sued for defamation for calling him a fucking idiot? I don't know. He's allegedly a fucking idiot.

He's allegedly a fucking idiot. And he became prime minister because worst case scenarios come true. Then under his government, I looked at Scott Morrison, who was at the time just basically torturing refugees for shits and giggles and for boners. And I said he's going to become prime minister one day. And everyone said, no way. I said, worst case scenarios always come true and it happened. And somehow, since then, the optimism and the sheer blind faith in a better world

that Australians kind of float by in a bubble on has captured me as well. And I side believing that things work out when they never fucking do. Rookie, yeah, right. They never do. So, like, with this, what are the implications of this newfound theory? Like, should we be saying there's 100% going to be a nuclear war now? Do you have canned beans? Yeah.

Is the question that you need to now consider. Because if, if worst case, you know, also, I mean, look, I'm going to steal a bit from comedian Laura Davis who always pointed out she's like why do you I'm going to butcher this but her point was why do you want to be the guy in a nuclear wasteland

eating beans like if the if the nuclear apocalypse happens I'd rather die in it than just be irradiated with beans so no here's my thing now worst case scenarios

Putin's invaded World War three happens nuclear bombs go flying America is completely destroyed Europe is completely devastated Russia has completely devastated and Australia remains as irrelevant to the rest of the world today

in the future as it is today I'm not so sure we can get away with it because like in elections coming up you'd assume the wedge issue is national security I think Scott Morrison will find a way to like sneak us into that nuclear apocalypse you know like Labor doesn't is the wedge issue national security

how many Australians can genuinely point to Ukraine on a map I mean, my daughter goes to school in Australia. I know exactly how dire the Australian education system is, you know. I'm convinced that all geography teachers are also P-DH-PE teachers, like at my school. All the geography teachers would then take your sport class and you'd be like, what, why is this being taught to me by this person? So, yeah, I can't point to Ukraine on a map.

I also can't point to anything on a map except for Australia. No, you expect it to you, except Australia. because it does look funny. So, yeah. Here's what I think. Worst case scenario for Australia is, you know, nuclear war in Europe, nuclear war in America, nuclear war in Russia.

Worst case scenario for Australia is Scott Morrison does three more years. And then after that, Peter Dutton does three more years. And then at some point, Anthony Albanese maybe does three years, but a year and a half in, he gets rolled for Christina Keneally and then she gets rolled for, you know, whoever, Craig Kelly or someone. So that's what I think. we're in for which is our nuclear apocalypse really yeah yeah yeah yeah and then sharks

gain sentience which is something i mean they have sentience sorry they gained legs i meant legs yeah and uh i i predict i've been predicting that for ages yeah the moment sharks can walk we're done that's the yeah yeah yeah that's the kind of mermaid we never imagine right it's always the human part on top it's so nice to have like a fish with human legs that's that's the kind of mermaid we should be watching out for which one is more attractive to you well i feel like you it's harder to have sex with a fish bottom. I just don't know where the organs are. Right.

I think I would like the... But would you be sexually attracted to the fish top? I think I would. I mean, as far as I know, sharks are a bit spiky, like their skin has little hooks, but... More hooking for the cushion? Something like that. No, I'm fine with just legs.

I feel like that's the utilitarian one. That is where my preferred sex orifice is. Gabby, same question. well look I don't know I like to think that I can like someone outside of what genitalia is available to me

and so I think for their brain I'd go for the human top and the fish tail you think human brains are better than fish brains well fish brain can't communicate with me can they? But your version of a mermaid Alexa

is going to just be like yapping all the time just like and you're going to be like I don't know what you're saying shark man My version of a mermaid doesn't have the mental capacity to start a nuclear war. So I'm... Well, I mean, a lot of fish have such short-term memory that, like, it resets every few minutes, right? So you can genuinely say or do anything to this person, and they will be, like, every time they see you, they be like, hi, nice to meet you.

Just in the honeymoon period of your relationship for eternity. The NRE, new relationship energy, just lasts forever with that. Is that what NRE means? I went my whole life thinking it was no reason erection. you know when you're like sitting on the bus sorry I okay I did not realize NRA all right

wait hang on you thought that spontaneous erections had had a had a official medical technical title yeah I thought it was a pretty important struggle for like a boy going through puberty like you're at the gas station and like your family's gotten out of the car to pump the car up and like they're like

oh can you clean the windows and you're trying to say I can't but you have no way of explaining why you can't get up and get out of the car It's like a serious problem. An NRA, right? I'm all for honesty in imitation, but there are times when you really should go, I just won't talk for a while.

Yeah, yeah. I'm asleep. The Chaser Report. More news. Less often. Sammy, where do you stand on the mermaid issue? Oh, on the mermaid. I'll ask you the important questions during this concert.

Well, no, I'll tell you what. Look, you're asking a question of someone who came of age, you know, who hit puberty at the exact same time that the Little Mermaid was released. So that, you know, we also talk about unrealistic body expectations. I have been sexually attracted to a half human, half fish with the human top and fish body. My whole life at this point. I mean, I'm basically one more frustrated, lonely night away from banging a manity. And, you know, so, yeah, so, you know, it's almost the same if you close your eyes. I own my fetishes, is all I'm saying.

Yeah, yeah, don't yuck anyone's yum. Exactly. How dare you judge me. I will reveal to you. Do you know the design of Ariel's hair in that movie? It was based on Alyssa Milano's hair. That's right. I don't know that.

Say, that's how you know that they really did like The Little Mermaid, because if you say that fact when the person goes, yes, I did know, then you know it's hard-called. Yeah, yeah. Hard-ball obsession. I didn't know it. I just want to know what her legs are based off. Alexa, you wouldn't know it because you're attracted to the fish top. Exactly.

Right. I'm just, also, I want to clarify. I don't know what fish are tails based on. Is it a, is it a mom or is it a tailor? I want to clarify here. I'm not attracted to Ariel now. I am 43 years old now and Ariel is not 43 years old. I'm just saying that my attraction to a then led to a fetish now.

I mean, you think that's fast, Sammy. When I was little, my attraction was to a fucking lion. So I mean... Is this? Okay, no, so I have a question about this. Is this the, in Lion King, there's a frame, and it's barely like a few seconds, when Simba is not yet grown, not yet a baby, but a teenager Simba? Is that it?

I have heard from too many women that they frothed over teenage Simba. Okay, so here's the thing. Here's the thing. It's a bit different from me. me because I didn't actually see the first Lion King movie until I was 18. The second Lion King movie, however, for some reason

No one has seen the second Lion movie. Wrong, wrong. And I would even go as far to say as the soundtrack slaps a little bit harder. What? Yeah, it does. More than I just can't wait to be king. Yeah, and there is a lion in that movie that's like, it's like an emo

lion. He's got like a little emo fringe and his name's Kovu and when I was little I didn't even get really the plot. I didn't really understand it because I'd never seen the first one, but I saw the second one, and I was kind of obsessed with this emo lion. I am Googling Kovo right now.

Oh, I can see it. He's got big eyes. He's got a kind of, I'm really, I really wish that Duke would stop drawing and sexy. Yeah. I didn't realize how, how sex positive Disney was.

I assumed like everything from 10, from everything from longer than a decade ago was like shady territory for talking about sexuality. but they were breaking boundaries. Yeah, they were pushing bestiality on us way before society was ready for it and I would argue is still ready for it. No, we know mine was a little mermaid.

We know yours, Gabby, was... Covoo from the second Lion King. Yeah, like everyone else. I don't want to say it because it's just so heteronormative and boring. Go on, no question. All right, let me guess, let's guess, let's guess. either going to be given his age.

How old do you think he is, though? He's got that 20s vibe, right? You've got that mustache that 20-year-olds only can rock right now because if you rock it past 30, then you're a sex pest. I'm so happy about that. I'm 29. You got one more year, Alex. You're so close to be a sex pest.

And then you better shave that shit off, or you're not going anywhere near a children's playground. Hmm, I would put my money on Pocahontas. I never watched that. What? Yeah, so we had a very limited run because I grew up in Yugoslavia and just before the sanctions came in

there was this thing on TV they'll be like this is the last time we can ever screen Disney movies so get your video cassettes and record immediately and obviously we only had like one video cassette so all I was limited to was like a very small range of movies but one of them where I got my attraction was who framed Roger Rabbit.

Oh, but that doesn't count. Exactly. You know, it's so boring. It's so boring. No, the heterosexual male had no defenses against Jessica Rabbit. Yeah, exactly. We weren't designed to be able to withstand the onslaught that was the visual onslaught of Jessica Rabbit. Absolutely.

The real interesting thing, though, is I didn't know you were from Yugoslavia. How do you feel, with all the commentary right now, where everyone goes, this is the worst war that Europe has had? And you're like, well, I mean, a whole country broke up. Yeah, it's very depressing, actually. Like, I mean, on one hand, it's, what's the word? It brings out mixed emotions. Because on one hand, I'm like, oh, great, like, this is how people should be reacting to every war. You know, I love all this, all this action and people are really, like, no compromise on this stuff.

And it's just like, where were you guys over the past 30 years? Like, ah, yeah, it's upsetting and reassuring at the same time. Cool, cool. on that note you know what I think we could solve this war Disney just has to draw it really sexy Oh yeah absolutely

You know and then It's going to be fine That's a terrible opinion to have I mean look at the Ukrainian president Already is lending himself to a great deal of sex appeal We know that Like the whole world You know it doesn't matter what your sexuality is

Right now your sexuality is the Ukrainian president Exactly. That is the whole entirety of everyone's sexuality. And, yeah, if you think Disney isn't going to eventually make a cartoon about this, then you don't know society very well at all. See, worst case scenarios, I believe in them now. Let's talk about your festival show and tickets and everything in my family. Oh, are you sure?

Yes. I mean, you can't buy any. In Melbourne, you can. Oh, yeah, in Melbourne you can. I keep forgetting. Are you touring anything, Shami? Um, so I am touring, uh, only Melbourne and Sydney. I'm doing my show unappreciated at the Melbourne National Comedy Festival, uh, from the 31st of March to the 24th of April.

So the full run, I'm there for four weeks at a adult, reasonable, parently friend, parental friendly time of 6.15 p.m. Which means you can come to my show, also my shows in Chinatown. So you can come to my show, you can grab a great Chinese dinner at 7.15 p.m. And my show finishes and be home to put little baby in bed by 8.30. That's so good. Exactly. And then I'll be in Sydney for a couple of days. I haven't yet locked in anything else.

What about you, Gabby? I have the rest of my Adelaide run, which is sold out. So I'd tell you to buy tickets, but you can't. And then I have two weeks in Melbourne from the 11th to the 24th of April at the Butterfly Club. And my time is also very family-friendly, 530, I think. Oh, very nice. And Butterfly Club is great. You guys are competing for the parents.

For the win. Yeah, no, all the parents will love my show. It's definitely very parent-friendly. It's not, don't bring your kids. As a parent, parents are pretty wild. You don't underestimate parents. And you've been selling great and getting great reviews from Adelaide. So congratulations on that.

Thanks, Sammy. And Alexa, what have you got going on? Well, I'll be doom scrolling through Twitter during the Ukraine conflict. Tickets are free, but I wouldn't recommend anyone join me. Right. that's great. That's great, yeah. Yeah.

And by the way, people can always join me on my podcast, which is News Weekly. That's W-E-A-K-L-Y. It's a 15-minute weekly podcast where I talk shit about the headlines. So please come on over there. That sounds like a lot more fun than that. I'll be there in a jiffy. Thank you so much, Sammy, for being with us this afternoon. It's always a pleasure.

Thank you very much. I'm going to go watch the Second Lion King movie for absolutely no reason. whatsoever. I'm definitely going to not watch Little Mermaid. Yeah. Yeah, but I will look at pictures of manatees. I think that's okay. Yeah, that's smart.

That's the adult version, I think. Exactly. Bye. Bye. Our gear is from Road Microphones and we're part of the ACAS create a network. See ya. Bye.