The Chaser Report - ARVO: Sami Shah has no pen license

Episode Date: March 11, 2022

Sami Shah joins Gabbi, Dom, and Aleksa for an Arvo Chat about the classy and relevant topics of Shane Warne's rockstar lifestyle, illegal pen licences, and why Anthony Albanese should not adopt a "ScoMo" style nickname. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chase of Report. Hello and welcome to what must be the first afternoon in addition to the Chase Report. In a little bit of time, Dom Knight here with Gabby Bolt and Alex Vullivich. Hi, hi! I forgot what everyone's name is. And Sammy Shah, the star of this episode. Hello, Sammy. Hey, Dom.

How are you doing? Good, good, good, good. I don't think I'm the star of this episode because Gabby is here. And I just heard from a friend of mine in Adela. who did the Adelaide Finge and I was asking him what's the big show this year with in terms of the buzz

and he said Gabby Bolt so they're calling it Gabby everyone's talking about Gabby It's Gabby now You know what they say about Buzz It's followed by a bite

or a sting of some kind that's usually a pain in the ass to get rid of Isn't it followed by honey? Oh is it? I don't know in my experience it's followed by a rash

and not knowing what caused it so there you go Come to my show. You're going to have to get a lot better. You're going to have to get a lot better at taking compliments, Gabby, because it's going to continue. No, the reason I work here is because I am handed just the right amount of self-loathing every single day.

It's like it's nice and humbling, you know. I mean, you called it, I hope my keyboard doesn't break, which set your goals low. Yeah, that's pretty much the whole show. Goals low and not impressed. Basically, if you make it through the show without massive technical dysfunction in design, in a device design for live performance. And it's getting harder because when you fly somewhere,

like the genuine worry is my keyboard case has actually started to fall apart. So the casing and the wood inside the lining of the case is starting to come out. And the weight of it is breaking the case. So every time I fly, I'm like, you know what? This might be the one that actually breaks it. They might just go, throw it on the plane. And yeah, I thought about that in Adelaide. I was like, thank fuck it lasted because I was a bit worried.

Could you just do a cappella comedy? Well, I think they're called stand-up. Stand up. No. I could not. No, that would be the worst show on earth. And here is where I would have a song. Let me do the song with spoken word. Yeah, fuck. That won't be it all awkward.

Well, no, have you got a plan for success when I've never really experienced it? No. Do you know what's going to happen if things turn? No, haven't planned for it. Never have. Supernova? No? Well, it's either I get success in the world ends pretty quickly after that.

or I don't get success in the world ends fairly soon. So I've just planned for the world ending and not my own success. I guess your career bearing in mind that eventually the Earth is going to be consumed by the sun and it becomes a red giant. Yeah. Career does seem pretty trivial. But from here it looks quite good. That's nice.

Thanks, guys. Anyway. I like that Dom is so optimistic that he thinks the world isn't going to end until the heat death of the universe as opposed to the current combination of World War III, Plague. And the climate change. Yeah, and Japanese encephalitis. We've really got the smorgasbord of misery, don't we? My show is buzz in the same way that Japanese encephalitis is.

It's the Japanese encephalitis is shows. In retrospect, I was safer in Pakistan. Oh. Well, actually, I saw Imran Khan has gone to meet with Vladimir Putin this week. Like, he's clearly flying his cards. You know, that country is now on Team Putin, so I don't know how we deal with that. No, no, no. This is, he was there the day Putin rolled in.

to Ukraine. So basically what happened was the day that Ukraine invaded Putin, the day that Russia invaded Ukraine, I am getting my time lines. I think his narrative is that Ukraine invited him. I think that's what he's saying.

Yeah, basically, basically. And I'm buying into that propaganda. I think it's a convincing argument. But no, the day Russia invaded Ukraine is the same day that Imran Khan had just by coincidence, a scheduled meeting with Vladimir Putin to talk about gas pipeline, oil pipe,

line investments and stuff like that. So he got a front row seat to the end of the world starting and then returned back home to Pakistan to just like stare into the mirror with a blank, you know, middle distance kind of gaze. What's the etiquette on that? Because these days before a big meeting, you've got to do a rat, right? You've got to make sure you're not, you're not sick. Have you also now got to tell the person you're meeting if you plan to basically start

World War III or is it rude to have a meeting? No, I think your secretary would just be like, oh, he's busy at the moment, you know, like I I feel like the waiting would be like, I'll put him to meet with you in half an hour, he's just got a thing to do. As if you wouldn't want Imran Khan there when you're starting World War III, though. The cloud?

Yeah, if you're going to pick a dream team, I don't know. Yeah, there should be like a stump, like one stump that if you knock it over, that's it. And you get Imran Khan steaming in. Does he still play in office? People don't realize, well, people don't realize,

like how bananas it is to have an ex-cricotor as your prime minister. It would genuinely be as if Shane Warren hadn't died but had just gone on to become the Prime Minister of Australia, which, to be fair, even in his current state, he'd make a better Prime Minister of Australia. Do more. He's better with spin.

Oh, nice. Oh, my God. Good one. You should be a comedian, don't know. That was really good. No, but look, Shane Warren apparently was one of the favorites for president And the entire point of the, like, the reason why that referendum came and was lost, you know how the whole thing was, Australians wanted to elect their own president, right?

Oh, is this about the Republic? Yeah, yeah, and all the political gatekeepers like your mate, Peter Fitzharmans. Yeah, my mate. He was like, no, we can't let that happen. We've got to have some things stopping them from electing people that they like to to hire office. And so it would have been warning. Warnie was like the argument against having a popular elected president.

Right. Pakistan is like, yeah, no, we're going to do that. That's two more so. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And it's been no better or worse than anyone else, which in retrospect means we could have just had Warnie. The thing that I find offensive about Shane Warn's death is being all the people saying he died too soon. Because everyone keeps going,

he only lived 51 years or 52 years. Shane Warns 51 years is equal to 250 years for the rest of us. that man lived hard, partied hard, he probably did drugs, he probably drank a billion bottles of whatever, he had sex with Elizabeth Hurley, he played world-class cricket, and none of us are achieving that in 51 years. And everyone keeps going, oh, he died so soon, what else did you want him to do? He, every day after he, God put him on earth to play cricket, he did it well, every day after that was a bonus, we got what we needed out of him. Stop forcing people to live longer than they need to live In the olden days, he died exactly when he was supposed to die

Well, I think also it's important to note that he was a big smoker, right? I mean, it does say on the box that smoking can kill. Like, it's, we don't know for sure, that's what it was, heart attack. Totally good drawings, yeah. Dumb, it says on, it should say on the box, living can kill because guess what, it does. Like, you know, we're all going to die at some point. There's a whole movement right now of like, let's live longer.

My partner was recently, she was telling me, she's like, hey, you know, if you take care of your health and you, you know, you just eat these vitamins and things, you might live to 100. I was like, why the fuck would I want to live to a hundred? Yeah. The only that happens, the longer you live is the more likely you get cancelled for saying something that was totally cool when you were young and now is abhorrent. Which you just did fully two minutes ago, Sammy. Yeah. It's a very good question. Would you rather have Shane Warren's 52 years or my boring, whatever 80?

I think Warnie, it's true. That would have been a much better experience. I don't know. I feel like there is something you're not considering here, which is old people stop caring about stuff and therefore start taking more risks. Oh, he would have been an amazing. Can you imagine in his 70s?

Actually, I'm sorry we've missed out on warning in his 70s. What would he have stopped caring about? He's not like he was living an empathetic lifestyle already. Like, all it would have been was more nihilism. That would have been remarkable. I mean, look, all I'm saying is, Dom, you just ask the question, Would we rather live his 51 or your 51?

Would you dorm rather die in bed surrounded by your loved ones holding your hands, weeping softly and crying? Or in a fucking four-story villa in Kusamui probably based, you know, getting a heart attack after having some diet ingesting drugs, allegedly, assumably. Well, the people who are with him say that it wasn't that

and they're looking at the extreme liquid diet that he told. I don't know what the liquids were. But, yes, there's a lot of, there's a lot of... I like the other option. I like the one where I'm surrounded by Dom's loved ones. I think that's a good way to go. Surprise, I have no loved ones. No.

No, I do. But I don't know, it is a good point. I think going hard, I mean, I missed out on a youth that was fun in any way. Oh, that's not true. You grew up in the bloody fucking 90s. That's true. That's fun for every kid. I somehow managed to make the 90s miserable.

Yeah, you have fucking babe. and kind of surprises and well i suppose kind of surprises and it was pre 9-11 yeah you can get on play no worries you didn't have to think about politics back then no world was the world was finished we had we had the trapper keeper i don't what did you get a trapper keeper ever i don't know what that is is that like the bug thing no trapper keeper was the greatest invention of the early 90s it was a giant folder in which you could put all kinds of papers but it was cool looking and we genuinely were so

excited about it you would think it is the latest iPhone that also somehow is a Tesla rolled into one. I think we're going to need to have explain exactly what the trapper cable is. It's a binder? I feel like I need one, Sammy. How is it different from like a regular ring binder? I'm Googling this. Okay, okay, yes. Please go ahead.

I want everyone who's listening right now to Google the word trapper that's T-R-A-P-E-R. Keeper. Because it sounds like some kind of amazing Steve Irwin wildlife. It is just a binder. A loose leaf binder. Stop it.

We had these in school. Yeah. Yeah. No, no. Look at the covers of them. Go to Google images and look at the covers. There's a racing car. ...covers on them.

Exactly. Do you have any idea? Imagine our lives were so simple then. Our lives were so full of joy and bliss and harmony that we thought the trapper keys. thought the trapper keeper was the coolest thing on earth. There was a guy in my class who got before everyone else. To this day he talks about how he got laid

off the back of that. I mean that is just success. I remember the coolest thing ever when I was when I was a kid was it was either, well among, it was very gendered when I was a kid, I'm sure it was gendered when you guys were too but like I feel like for boys and girls it was very different but like I had

a Betty spaghetti. I don't know if you guys remember Betty Spaghetti. She's basically just the complete unattainable body type and she had plastic hair and we were all like great she's that's great is she the one is she the one whose hair came out when you squeezed

the head or something I thought you could like twist her hair that is unattainable body standards yeah and she had a waist like a chopstick thin it was horrific and I loved her and Polly Pocket

I used to chew on the clothes what we've learned of course is the 90s with a golden era of just rhyming shit and kids will lose their fucking minds. Damn right. You just rhyme it and they will be excited.

But you know what? I bet Shane Warren had a fucking wicked trapper keeper in my kids. That's all I'm going to say about Shane Warren. The Chaser Report, less news, more often. Nowadays kids don't have stationery and do they like that? I think they do. To me, the highlight of every year was going to like office works or the equivalent and getting me exercise books and my rule.

It was just never very good. Did you ever contact your own? No, no. My daughter still buys all the stationery. It's massive months of stationery. have to invest in stationery, that's still a thing, which I find ridiculous because she has a fucking laptop. Why does she need pencils and a laptop? Because the integrity, the integrity of a pen license is still, it's still, it holds up. I got something awful to admit. Oh, I never received a pen license. What? Yeah. And what? You've just been, you've just been flippantly

using pens this whole time? Do the authorities know? I didn't get it all throughout year two. And then by the time year three came around, it's a new class. Everyone assumes that. You've just been, you've just been, everyone has a pen license. Stop it. You know what? And I just never told them. I mean, it's the same camp because I changed countries. Yeah, I went to the UK with our really backwards.

And so they assumed I could, I was the best writer in the class because I'd grown up in a country with a decent school system. And by the time I came back here for year six, everyone could write. So I, we're like renegades. We're mavericks, Alexa. That's wild. I'm going to have to buy some HBs. I'm sorry.

You haven't earned it. You haven't earned the right. I don't even know what a trapper keeper is. I need to. your writing skills. With all the handwriting we do in this office. Why aren't immigrants made to get a pen license? Now I'm wondering how the hell I was allowed into this country.

You don't have a pen license either. I mean, look, to be fair, I didn't get educated in... Yeah, but I got educated in Pakistan under the Cambridge system of education. I'm more educated at a bachelor's degree level than PhDs in Australia. Let's be honest. Yeah, that's true. You know, but at the end of the day, the pen license is a necessity for all. Australian citizenship.

All I'm saying is... I'm the only one who has one in this room, so... And therefore, you're literally the only person here who's the true blue Aussie, the rest of us are dirty foreigners. Does that mean you'll be scribing for us? Sure. You'll just do all the writing. Yeah.

So normally in this chat, we survey the week in Australian politics and... Yes. Tee off about various points. But I'm glad that we're at a point now of exhaustion with pandemic, with government. We're just pen licences. I mean, I'm into this. Can you believe the election hasn't been called yet?

I mean, that's when you need a pen license. You know, yeah, I reckon they haven't called it because Scott's still working on his. Yeah, that's right. He's like, I have to write so much stuff during the election. He can't legally call it because he has to write it down and no one will give a pen because he doesn't have a license. Yeah, up until this point, his signature has just been his thumbprint.

He's just done a stamp. I've got to say, kudos to Grace Tame for just making it okay for him. He's Scott. He doesn't get a, he doesn't get a, title. He doesn't get his surname. He's just Scott. I mean, I feel like we've all been just calling him anything but his actual title. Look, it's better than Scommo. I despise Scomore.

Why would anyone want to be called that? I feel like Malcolm Turnbull popularized that term to, like, to pre-destroy him. And instead. Instead. It's a victory store. But what would, like, if you had like a Scommo name generator, what would yours be? Like, what's the first syllable of your name and the first syllable of your last name? Sasha.

Sasha. That's good. No, that's, it's like a DJ from the 90s. Yeah. No, it sounds like a really cool Russian protagonist from a Dasha Fierce. Getting on the Sesh with Sasha. I could go with that. You know, mine's domk.

That sucks. That sounds like a donk that's gone wrong. Mine is Gabbo. Gabbo. Whoa. It's just stupid, isn't it? I hate that that's, my last name doesn't affect my first name. Where is Gabba?

It's Gabo is from the Simpsons, isn't it? Gabo. Oh, fuck. Yeah. Just thank God it's not Gabba. Oh, that's true. And I'm part of that fucking dystopian nightmare show. Alvoo.

Alvu. Alvul, yeah. It sounds like a knockoff thurby doll. Tickle me Alvoo. We should make this website. What's your bullshit spin name? Like, we should, somebody's already developed this shortly. So hang on.

So Anthony Albanese, if you take the first two letters, you get anal. That, I mean, that in many ways, that's the coolest thing about Albu. He would be elected. it off that alone. I'm amazed they haven't done that. How did he choose elbow and not anal? Because he obviously didn't want to choose anal, but what he needed to do was choose anal. Everyone should choose anal. It's like

that would get you elected in this country. We're at that point now. We're at the point where a funny joke will get you in. I can't see the... Oh, I'm going to go for anal. I'm trying to go. I don't know. Look, it can't be worse. Yeah. Let's try anal. Yeah. And that would have been the election campaign. Come on.

We should do. We should do t-shirts. I apologize for rising the news. Let's go back to Gabby's show. Oh, okay. Yeah, fuck. I mean, I'll take all the three. We should actually spread the plugs around. Sammy, what's your show?

My show is called Unappreciated. Tickets are available from Melbourne. I'm doing the entire Melbourne runs. From the 31st of March to the 24th of April, I'm there every night. And then I'm coming to Sydney for two days. I'm going to be at the Enmore Theatre. It's a hundred-seater. I've never done a hundred-seater.

in Sydney, so please for fuck's sake, Sydney I just buy tickets. I have currently sold two tickets in Sydney. I don't know that people are still listening at this point in the podcast. It doesn't be editing. Next time we'll do it up front. Sammy, how about that? Yeah, let's do that. But yes, it's going to happen

and then other cities will be announced soon as well. Beautiful. Well, look, it's been that kind of wake. We're all a bit down in the dumps and random. Go anal. Let's go anal. Let's do anal. It's time. Aggies from red microphones.

And I'm looking for a job with the Labour Party. Part of the ACAST, Crater Network, and neither of those people had anything to do with this episode of the podcast. In fact, neither do I. Although, Alba, if you are listening, just call me, mate. I've got so many ideas.