The Chaser Report - ARVO: Waiting for trains with Floyd Alexander-Hunt

Episode Date: February 21, 2022

Floyd Alexander-Hunt joins Charles and Gabbi for an Arvo Chat, after being delayed by today's train outage. Together they unpack the train fiasco and what lead to it, and Charles reveals his touching tribute for The Queen. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Good afternoon and welcome to The Chaser Report for Monday the 22nd of February. I'm Charles Firth and with me today are Gabby Bolt. Hello. And Floyd Alexander Hunt. Hello. And look, it's a sad day. Oh yeah.

The Queen may or may not be dead. Oh yeah, Schroding is dead. But to me she's dead. Oh, oh, Charles. Yeah, nice. How long did you spend on that? So the point is. Time of death.

Every minute we talk about this. No, but the point is, so we're recording this on Monday morning. This doesn't come out until Monday afternoon. To this afternoon, yeah. So it could be a very insensitive. Yes, we don't know whether the queen is dead or not. Oh, yeah, so just to cover our bases, don't cancel us. We didn't know.

Well, I think the point is, isn't the point that she let us, a great life, it's really sad that she's dead, or conversely, isn't it great that she's still with us, pulling through, leading us, as a queen should do? Yeah, showing us you can have it all in the 90s. This is not actually where you're supposed to be here. No. You're here. We invited you because we thought you wouldn't be able to make it because the train strike.

Yes. And we thought, oh, well, we could just. Little did you know I could walk off the road. I've screwed your whole phone cars. I've turned up. So we've got to, I mean, this will be fascinating for people in other states. But it is, it's quite an interesting thing that's happened in New South Wales, which is across the whole of New South Wales today, there are no trains.

Not one. Not one. Did you guys take trains to get here? Oh, no, I drive to work every day. Oh, okay. And you know how I found out there were no trains when I got on the road? Oh, was it packed? It took me an hour and 15 minutes to go a distance that usually takes me 20 minutes today.

In fairness, they shouldn't, all the people, People shouldn't have tried to drive their trains on the road. Yes. That was inconsiderate, wasn't it? It made for a really rough day. Especially because, like, you know, they're like in the T2 lane. Only one person's in the train. It's like, for God's sake.

Have some respect. Yeah, why are you so big? Respect the road. But the weirdest part about this story is that all the train drivers turned up for work this morning. Wow. So they thought they weren't striking. So they've been doing industrial action. So their whole point is, look, this, the entire train.

train time table is basically based on the government being completely unrealistic about how long it takes to drive a train. And so they're relying on overtime. The government relies on overtime to actually make the train table work. Yeah. Which is really, it means there's no security of employment for people because they just get drawn into these really long hours. And they, and they just want, the train drivers just want certainty roads. So that's their whole beef with the government, right? They just want a timetable where their schedule, you know, is the same as the timetable, right? I mean, the government isn't the best at delivering things on time. No.

So they've been doing a sort of work-to-rule thing where they go, well, if you're not going to schedule us in our normal work hours, we just won't turn up, right? And that's all been happening for the last few weeks, so they've had to cancel. Over the weekend, they came to an agreement where the government went, okay, we will honour the actual schedule. we'll all just go back to the schedule that we've had. There'll be no overtime, blah, blah, blah. And the union went, okay, well, then that's it. You're going to have all these trains canceled, but, you know, if that's what you want to do, we'll just work to rule.

Yeah. And at that point, the government went, aha, right. Well, you're being tricky then because there's a whole, like, that's going to be hard to do because we won't have enough train drivers if you're not going to turn up for overtime. Oh, my God. We'll just have to get rid of all the trains then. So, so, and it was sort of like, they're just idiots, right?

Because all they've done, the government has just highlighted the fact that their schedule is fucked. Yeah. And I just love as well that all of this was negotiated at like 1230 this morning. So everyone this morning woke up went, might go to work today. And it was just fucking hell on earth. As I was driving, I drove past a bus stop that normally has maybe two people at it. It had a line going around the entire block of people just with briefcases and suits. and bags all wanting to go to work on the bus.

And they have scrapped the restrictions though now, right? So you can sit next to people on the bus? I guess. But it's like not the most comfortable thing, is it? No. I hate buses anyway. I wonder what the train, so the train drivers are just at the stations, just being like, so the train drivers turned up to work this morning. And it was the government that went, oh, you know what?

And now the government's turned around and gone, well, this is chaos. The unions. Who did this? Who did this? Why would they do this? And it's just going, what, but it's sort of, people are saying, it's a bit like the Qantas lockout, because it's, it's a proper lockout. Yeah.

But you don't really see that often where the employer goes, no, no, no, no, no, no. We're not going to get you to work anymore. And so what's the end game here? Trains come back. Buses are making a comeback. But all buses get tied to other buses and we have road trains. Yeah. So you know that the actual, can I now explain?

And I know it's not in any way interesting, but I am going to explain the wider context of why this is so fucking hilarious. Yeah. Which is that a few years ago, the government went, oh, my God, you know, we've got all these trains.

They cost like $2 billion a year to run. How do we make that not the case, right? And so they transferred all the train assets, like all the rail lines and things like that, into another company called like the train infrastructure, company or something. Nice. Great name.

And this was under Dominic Peritay. So he did that. He put it all. And then he went, there you go. Now it doesn't cost anything to run because it's in this company rather than on the government's side of the thing. Yeah, right. And then the government went and then the auditor came in and went, but hang on, how are

you going to pay for all the, like you're still got, somebody's still going to pay for the maintenance of all that infrastructure. Yeah, nice. And the government went, well, it's none of that. business that's just a corporation that we own that did it and the auditors said no no no therefore like that's now we've now got to value that company at much less so they took 40 billion dollars great the auditor said well that's now worth 20 billion dollars because you've fucked yourself by not providing enough money for maintenance right and so the whole so then now they're going

okay let's just sell everything off that's a way to solve the problem so that's why the train drivers and out striking because they're going, hang on. You're just selling everything off. We're all just going to be sacked and everyone will just catch buses the whole time. That's essentially what's going on. But the whole thing is this hilarious own goal the Dominic Perotay created

which was literally just thinking that he could, you know, oh, I'll just change the spreadsheet so we don't earn it anymore. Great impression, Charles. Well, it's what it is. No, I'm actually genuinely serious. I know I'm sarcastic a lot on this podcast. I meant every word.

But you can't actually make... Similar to the queen. Yeah. And I think this is a life lesson. Like if you have a $40 billion liability... Won't ever have that, but go on. You can't just get rid of it by transferring it to another bank account. It doesn't work like that.

This is like when I found out I might not get a house one day because I send too many payments to my friends with the term drugs underneath it. Oh, wow, because they check your... Yeah, they check the title of it. And they take it seriously. Have you been rung up by the bank? I got rung up by the bank to do it. No?

Who do they do that? Yes. And they said, we know you're joking, Charles, but stop doing it. And what bank is that, Charles? That was Commonwealth's Bank. Good they've got a good sense of humour at Combank, though. Oh, see, St. George don't give a fuck. I've been sending money to people.

I've called it home money. I've called it, like, drug money. Sometimes, only sometimes it's true. I did have to answer literally half an hour's worth of questions. Wow. About them. When I got into trouble. Because they said, okay, well, we now have to ask you, where do you get your income?

Ah, shit. And then you just say comedy, no one believes that. A little complicated self-sult trader. Here we go. Yeah, so I'm just hoping that's never going to be a problem for me. I'm never going to have 40 million to put in a different... 40 billion. 40 billion.

Oh, sorry, my mistake. Aim high, okay? This is why women are not getting a hit. 40 million. It's our fault. Yeah, we need to actually break the glass ceiling. Go on girl boss. Become billionaires.

Girl boss gate. Oh my God. The Chaser Report. News a few days after it happened. So the trains, they're not coming back at all today, right? I don't think so. If they did it, it'd be such a surprise. Surprise trains.

But also, I think today, if there's any day that you want to become an Uber driver. Oh, they're surging. The prices are crazy. $190 from my house, which is about five kilometres away to here. Are you fucking serious? Yeah. So it was like 10-minute walk or a $190 Uber drive. I was never going to catch an Uber.

I just thought it would be funny. and it's going to rain this afternoon. Imagine that. The prices on Uber. It's going to be through the roof. Yeah, it's going to be. And they're already. It's so popular.

I had someone get in my car the other day thinking I was an Uber. You should have totally done it. I'll take it to you all those cash things. Yeah, fuck. Who are you going? All right, let's go. And what did you say to them? I said, oh no, I'm not an Uber driver.

I'm a comedian. We're actually going to my show right now and you're coming. Yeah, I drove them to my open mic. Do you think comedians, comedians should have surge pricing. Yes, when they need it, when people need it? Yeah, for like, what, for like unexpected circumstances? Like, if it's a rating, I can charge more. So say you've been locked out by your employer.

Are you about to do something to us or? And, no, the train drivers. Oh, right, I can. You need to go to a comedy night just because you're so, to kill time. To kill time. Yeah. Charges them $190 per ticket. I mean, make a profit, I suppose.

Yeah, like maybe putting on a comedy show today for the train drivers, you could charge so much. Especially if it was train-related contents. Charles has been doing all her day. I can do it on a train. Yeah, that's, it's a great. God, the impression keeps getting better. Now he's more Kermit and the Queen.

Yeah, now it's Kermit. It's the Queen with COVID. That's how she sounds. Yeah, frog in the throat. Yeah, she, like, I feel like if we did the comedy special, like, on a train carriage, it's not being used a moment. Instead of comedians and cars, it's comedians on trains. Comedians on trains getting sacked.

Yeah. I love it. I mean, no wonder Dominic Pirito is making bad decisions. He's got seven children. He's not sleeping. Yes. That's the sort of mistake that you might. That's what would have happened.

He would have been sort of tired about, you know, all these things. Maybe. Yesterday afternoon. It's been the whole weekend looking after all the kids. Exactly. He didn't have time to sort it out. And then it's like, oh, we'll just, oh, don't, look. If it was me, I just, I wouldn't turn up to work tomorrow.

Like, let's just shut down the trains tomorrow. And they all took him seriously. Yes. But he wouldn't have said it like that. He said, oh. I'm so tired It is amazing though Because international tourists get back today

Like they're arriving to chaos So they're getting off Potentially going to the train And it's just You know they've waited two in something years Now that's a bit fucking fishy Well, yep I smell I smell

Conspiracy right there What's the conspiracy? Well the tourism Not sure what it is But there's I smell what Run me through the conspiracy So when you go to the airport right You know how the airport train alone

charges you like $16. Yeah. As soon as you tap off. Well, with the train's not fucking working. Yes. Cabs and Uber is going from the airport to anywhere. I mean,

if getting from here to your house three blocks away, it's like $1,000. Thousands of dollars. They're making up for what they lost in the tourism. And they haven't seen their family. In one day. Yes. In two years,

they're making it back today. Yeah, they work smarter. Yeah, because what would be the Uber program? It would probably be like $100,000. Thousands of dollars. And then they make all their money.

And they do it because people have waited two years. for their loved ones to come back from overseas or to just get back. So in some ways this is a good news story. We're taking the money of... Oh, it's good for the government. Yes. And we're giving it back to the Uber drivers. Well, no, because they don't have unions either.

Yeah, because they don't get all the money there. We're giving it to some CEO. It's probably end up somehow with the government. And then they can use it to do the $20 billion. Yeah, they can do a bit more research into how you find rat tests. Oh, it's... It's just a cluster fuck, isn't it? Oh, now we've just got some news in.

Oh, yeah. The Queen. Oh, fuck, no. Is or is not dead. Shrodinger's Queen. Oh, my gosh. I was ready to just throw my cash out. This day is going to feel like a cliff hanger at the end of a sitcom.

We should get everyone to send us their $5 nights because they won't work anymore. Do you reckon it's on sports bet? Yes. I know we can't encourage gambling. We shouldn't encourage gambling. Don't use sports bet. But you should totally go to sports bet on the queen being dead or not dead. I bet that's on sports bet it's.

I'm going to look it up. I bet it is. I'm just doing it now. Oh, yeah. Queen dead. Great. It's going to be a great. No, there's no.

See, I told you, it's going to be called London Bridges Down. Oh, yeah. You got to look up the code. Oh, my gosh. Back in 2017, they thought she died as well. Yeah, because there's no betting on the thing. So we'll set up, we've actually got a betting brand called shitbet. Nice, let's do it.

We'll set up shit bet. Shroding and we, let's decide what we're, when do you guys think the exact time date's going to be? Wednesday hump day. I just think that would be funny. Yeah. I reckon it takes a while, especially with all the antivirals that you'll be getting. I reckon it's, it's going to be really inconvenient, won't it? It'll be like Friday night and you'll be wanting to hear all about it.

Not have to work. I mean, she can't live to 100. she has to write a note to herself. Well, well done, Queenie. That's embarrassing. She reckon Betty White died and she went, thank fuck. Well, because Betty White was 99. 99.

Wow. My great Nana is 102. Can you believe it? Did she get a note from the Queen? She did, but she had dementia, so she didn't really understand it. I know, it's sad. But if she'd had it, that's why I reckon they should send it at like 90, you know, when you're still able to.

When you get appreciated a bit more. Well, 50. Then I'd get one. Our gear is from Roadmark. microphones, we're part of the ACAS Creator Network, we'll be back with another memorial special in this terribly sad week where the Queen may or may not have died. If the trains are working and we can get to work next day. See ya.

Bye.