The Chaser Report - Australia Should Start A Violent Housing Militia

Episode Date: May 28, 2024

This episode features Charles and Dom debating how foreign policy could be used to solve the housing market. That foreign policy happens to involve shooting and killing. I won't sugar coat it, this one is a macabre episode. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gadigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report with Dom and Charles. Charles, I have amazing news, not for you, but for everyone who's struggling to afford a house in this. Not these plutocrats like you who already own a property. I'm talking about the people, young people, real people who want to get in on the property market. A brilliant solution has been found that we can apply immediately in a property market. Australia.

Oh, yeah. And it comes from the most unlikely of places. Ooh, this does sound good. Yep, it's a policy that Albaugh and Dutton should get behind tomorrow. They'll both like it for different reasons, I predict. It comes from Saudi Arabia from our friends working on Neon. This is the very ambitious and impressive plan to build a skyscraper 160 kilometers long. Yes.

If you haven't seen this before, go and look at a photo of it. It's extraordinary. 160 kilometres long in one direction with virtually no width. I think it's about 100 metres wide or something. Yeah, by the way, I should note that I'm just going to fact-check you there, which is that they've downscaled the project just in the last few months. And it's now no longer going to be 105 miles long, or 160 kilometres. It's actually going to be 1.5 miles long.

Well, they're certainly building a trial of the idea, which makes sense before you commit to something that's basically half the width of your country. Yes. We'll get into exactly how the Saudis have solved everything in a moment. Now, we should point out, Charles, this isn't sponsored by the Saudis as part of the sort of PR exercise, which is really stupid of us. We should have got them to pay us to do this. Yeah, we've talked on the show before about the employment opportunities in Saudi Arabia

to work on this neon project. Because for a while there, the only ads that I was served online tended to be, why don't you get a job? You know, have you failed in Australia? Get a job as an executive on Neon. And I looked into it. And the starting salary for that sort of thing is 800 grand. Wow. I do know someone who's working as a publicist, I think, for Neom, formerly a journalist and possibly, presumably this person is fine with the whole, you know,

by and saw approach to journalistic ethics that Mohammed bin Salman. when the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia takes. Yes. But I mean, I think we should note as people in the media that we have no problem with anything that the MBS has ever done. No, it's fine. I'm sure MBS has a very good reason for the dismembering. There's always two sides to a story.

There's always, well, there's only one now, and it's MBS's side. The other is, it fell apart under the application of phones, I had to say. You're writing a dictionary of terrible ideas, aren't you, at the moment? Yes, I am. I'm writing it at the moment. You're not going to put the line in there as... I wouldn't... No, of course I wouldn't put Neon in the dictionary as terrible ideas.

That would be dangerous for my well-being. I'm going to put that in my dictionary. Terrific ideas when I do that, the sequel. So let's get into what's going on. So when I researched this for the book, which it actually is in, I saw they're definitely building a first bit of it first, as you would. Yes. But I think they're still planning to build the whole 160-kilometer long thing in the

fullness of time. It's going to have a very fast train in the basement that supposedly gets you from one into the other in 40 minutes. Yes, that's right. But the thing is, so this is the surprising part of the whole story, right, which is, so they've got to clear the land along this 160 kilometre thing. And they've been having real trouble, which surprised me, because I've, you know, maybe I'm just this sort of racist, colonialist, sort of white oppressor man, right? But I kind of think of the desert of Saudi Arabia to be. You know, maybe I'm just this sort of racist, colonialist, sort of white, oppressor man. Right, but I kind of think of the desert of Saudi Arabia to be largely desert, right? Like just uninhabitable sand, right?

Oh, that's where you're wrong. Yeah. There are a lot of tribes who live there. 6,000 people have been moved already. And if you think about it, Charles, it's 160 kilometres of uninterrupted skyscraper. So if those are your tribal land, it's quite a long detour. And the thing goes all the way to the ocean. So you'd have to go all the way to one end and swim around it to get past it.

So you can't – but can't they just walk through? Like, how many blocks are you wide? I don't know if they'd let people in who weren't pre-cleared by the government authorities. They'd be better when peasants or something, wouldn't they? Well, they're local tribes people, certainly. And here's the thing, Charles. These people are opposing development. They're opposing the future.

Yes. They're Saudi Nimbis. not in my backyard, aka not in my traditional tribal lands or people have an unbroken connection for millennia. So what is the, what's the process in Saudi Arabia to oppose the development? Like here, you've got to apply for a DA from your local council and then that DA gets posted up outside the property and, you know, all the neighbours are mailed.

You then just go and lodge a complaint with the local council in Saudi Arabia and they listen to you. Yeah, or the land and environment court. Yeah. And you post the notice. You perhaps could do that. I don't know if there is land and environment court. But one solution that has been found to resolve these disputes, Charles,

I mean, you could have a detailed hearing and collect evidence and do an environmental impact statement. That would be one approach. Or you could shoot the person who complained. As allegedly happened, according to a whistleblower, to a man called Abdulrahim Al-Huwaiti, he refused to give up his land for the line and was shot dead. The authorities claimed that he opened fire on them first,

because you would, wouldn't you? You'd definitely shoot at the Saudi army if you lived in Saudi Arabia. Hang on, hang on, hang on. So the whistleblower got shot dead, or the protest? No, no, the whistleblower reported he'd been asked to just clear this village. So where is the whistleblower living, though? Like, is he still living in Saudi Arabia or is he? So this is someone called Rabi Al-Ala-Nazi.

He's been living in exile in the UK since last year. I wonder why he's in exile. I think it has something to do with telling the BBC that Saudi forces were given the green light to just shoot anybody who got in the way of construction. Look, I know it sounds harsh, and I can see why Peter Dutton would get on board with this approach to solving the housing problem. But I kind of think we're at the stage now where we just have to get things done when it comes to constructing houses. in Australia, and the idea of shooting on, using our military to actually clear the land

and solve the housing crisis, I think we're at that level of crisis, Dom. I mean, call me tough. We shouldn't be shooting, but we shouldn't be shooting protesters, but forcibly moving them on. They've put a lot of them in, in, they've locked the one of them up, Charles. Oh, okay. Just so they can't interfere with construction. Yes, they can't interview with progress. Yeah, for their own, because otherwise they'd be.

probably try and lie down in front of the bulldozers and all that sort of stuff. They've just been relocated for their own safety. And presumably, actually, storing the protesters would be really easy because you could bone saw them up as well. Like, they wouldn't take up that much space in the jail. This is just really horrible now. Wow. But, no, I'm just saying, look, I'm saying, look, I know it's sound, at first blush, you go,

wow, that's a terrible thing that Saudi Arabia has done. But then you sort of, you think about it and you go, well, progress is inevitable. We need to, we need tough solutions to solve the housing crisis. And I think this would be a good signal to, I mean, Albo had that whole trouble with his tenant. I don't think the tenant would have been as lippy. Like, he came on our podcast the other day. Yeah, he wouldn't have come on our podcast if he'd be in Saudi Arabia. We wouldn't have done our podcast.

There'd be a knock on the door from Ben Robert Smith about his, you know, objection to, the eviction notice. Are you envisaging a new employment path of Ben Robert Smith, are you? I'm just saying there needs to be a new... Arm of the military. So, because at the moment we've got Army, Navy, Air Force, right? We need the armed housing development. Death Squad.

Yeah, Death Squad. It's basically the, it's the military force for property developers, basically. That's what we need in this country. I mean, it's surprising that they haven't had run already. isn't it, given the long history of development going ahead. It does remind me, though, Charles. They need their own army. To be fair,

I feel as though this is something that the mafia really innovated with many, many years ago. I mean, it's always the case, if you go somewhere like Atlantic City, you always hear that there are bodies buried underneath all the casinos and in Vegas and so on. Yes. And I mean, it's eventually, in the end of the day,

it's just another form of mulch that you can use. Better than the asbestos mulch that we've been using around Sydney. Much more eco-friendly than the asbestos. Yeah. And then they literally are in their backyard. It's not in, not in my backyard. It's like literally in, they are in your backyard.

They are the backyard. So, I mean, some may view this as a horrifying and chilling approach. Yeah. Which it is. Yeah. But you can't fault the efficiency. No, exactly. Yes.

And this is what MBS is all about. He's going to build this thing. No matter who says it's a stupid idea. And no matter who tries to oppose it, he's going to eventually, no matter who says it's completely impractical. I mean, I would have thought most, in most places, if you suggested 160 kilometre long skyscrop in one direction just from east to west, you'd basically be locked up for being insane. But in Saudi Arabia, you get the green light. No, in Saudi Arabia, it's very promoted. I'm just wondering, I mean, can Merritton get involved in some way?

Well, I'm sure they are. and then lease, these big construction companies. If they'd been involved, it would already be built, wouldn't it? Where would we put our 160 kilometre long line? Because the problem is, say you start in the centre of Sydney, you don't want to head north because then you end up on the central coast. No, it's got to be in the middle of nowhere. And this is the fantastic thing about the Saudi plan,

is that it's in the north of the country, I think. It really is in a largely empty, except for it. for the local villages who've lived there for a very long time with their culture and all that. It's otherwise empty. So you could put it... It's terra nullius, Dom. It's terra nullius. That's basically what MBS is saying.

Yeah, it's very 1788 thinking. You could... There'd be somewhere in W.A. For this, they wouldn't even notice. There'd be 160 empty kilometres in W.A. Wouldn't there? How have we not pitched this to MBS? And you know what you do?

You'd put an LED wall on it. Of course. And then you'd have Gina Reinhart's painting. from the National Gallery. 160 kilometre wide. Yeah. Well, so you'd have ads. Imagine how great dads would be.

You could have 160 kilometre long building. That's how we solve the housing growths. We, every house is also a billboard. Actually, that's a very good idea. Enforced by the military. If every house that we build, all the new houses we build, just have ads on them the whole time. It's an ad-driven recovery.

It'd be cost neutral. Yes. I love it. And that wouldn't be a distort. Topian hellscape at all. That would be great. The Chaser Report, news a few days after it happens. Have we got a little bit macabre with this episode?

Charles, do you think I'd... No, I don't think we need to look at the political implications of it, because I think this is one of these rare ideas that has genuine bipartisan potential. So the thing is, Dutton's clearly going to support it. He has to support us. It involves the military, involves solving the housing crisis in a heartless way. Like, that is on brand for Dutton.

And also, he's a property developer. Like, he made his money. He made millions out of, you know, investing in property. So I think the idea that he can sort of, he could probably even lead the forces. He could be the head of the, you know, housing developer military. We've got to come up with a catchy name for that arm of the military, by the way. And then on the other side, Albo, I think Albo's. struggling. I think he knows that housing is more of a problem. He needs big ideas, doesn't he

does need big ideas. And he needs, he needs to signal that he's open to big ideas. And this is where, and then Richard Marles, like, look at Richard Marr. Like, this is such a great way to take the heat off all the problems that they've got all around the world, you know, like, no one would be talking about Gaza if we started sort of killing Nimbies in the streets. Would they? No one would even mention the whole problem in Gaza if, uh, if we, if we, if we moved it to. to Marrickville and just started bombing Marrickville. Because the thing is, what you would do is actually you'd go for a sort of carpet bombing style approach, probably to the inner west of Sydney to start off with.

To clear the land. And you'd clear the land, and then you'd have a whole lot of flat land to build the skyscrapers out of. So I was thinking it'd be in the middle of nowhere, NW.A. You just think build it in downtown Sydney and just flatten it. I think that that's, I think it'd be easier. Otherwise, you've got to get your military forces out to nowhere. You've got all the logistics of that.

Whereas if you keep it in the inner city of Sydney, at least they can go and grab a coffee after they've had a good morning killing. There's one aspect of this, though, is that Neon is pitched as incredibly eco-friendly. That's the whole basis for doing this. Everyone's living in such a dense environment. It'll have vertical farming in greenhouses and so on. And I just don't think it'll be nuclear enough for the coalition. I just think I can't.

see how it's going to involve constructing what did the CSRO say $70 billion for a new reactor so massive amount. The whole problem that they've identified about nuclear is the problem of NIMBY's. Like nobody wants it in their own electric. Oh, of course. And we just deal with that very swiftly.

I mean, you know, this doesn't have to be a bombing campaign. This can just be targeted assassinations of people who are complaining, you know, just the politicians who are complaining about it being in their electorate. I think very quickly, people would come to see the wisdom of having nuclear power plants in their

electorate. But also, there's an easy solution to that. You just build the power plant, strategically leak a little bit of nuclear waste around the electrode, and then no one would want to live there anymore. They'll leave, and if you leak enough waste, it will be illegal for anyone to live there. So, I mean, no one lives at Chernobyl, I don't know if you, or Fukushima, they've actually had to cordon off that area. They've told the housing crisis.

Spilling enough, yeah, you spill enough waste and no one can live there for thousands of years. These are all good ideas. I don't know why. Very practical ideas. See, this is the problem with Australia in 2024 is there's no innovative, there's no desire to learn from other parts of the world. It's true. About how to do we're not outward looking enough. We need more think tanks.

Yes. Yes, I've always said there's not enough think tanks in this country. Yeah, I've told it to the Australia Institute. I've told it to the... Oh, well, actually, Richard Dennis has commissioned a study about the lack of think tanks in Australia. Oh, okay, yeah, yeah.

The IPA agree, I think. Yeah, yeah, that's right. Yeah, the Mentees Institute, the Whitlam Institute. Oh, they all agree. Yeah, you should read the Grattan Institute's report on the lack of institutes, yeah. Yeah, no, it's...

There's actually an emerging consensus. Yeah, I think the Lowy Institute also is on board with that. Okay. So, you know what it's also lacking in Australia? What's that? Podcasts. Yes, we need, we should spin off a satellite podcast from the Chaser Institute.

But also podcasters need their own military arm. I mean, if property developers are going to get one, we need our own militia. This is the, this is even more dystopian. Imagine a militia made up of podcasters. Just stopping and, you know, recording an audio journal of their feelings. Oh my gosh, this really is very dystopian. Okay, so problem solved. Who do you think is going to sell that properly into the government?

I think we just, I think we tap. I mean, Penny Wong would do it, wouldn't she? I've just worked out where we can build the line, actually. Yeah. I've just figured it out. And I think we know the person to do it. Yep. Just much better than Neon.

They're building it on land. We should build it on the Great Barrier Reef. Yes. On the bleached reef. Yes. Imagine the line in the middle of the area. ocean at top what's left at the reef. Absolutely stunning.

That's it. You've sold it. Water views in both directions. Yes. And we call on all the Queensland property developers to develop. Like, the natural resource of Queensland is property developers. Yes, that's right. And you'd have a video wall that showed how the reef used to be before we killed it.

Yes, that's right. And you could redesign it in plastic and then it wouldn't fucking bleach all the time. That's right. That's right. You could replace the Great Barrier Reef with a plastic reef, that's right. A permanent plastic reef. And it would make the colours a bit more vivid as well. You know how you go, it's all bleached out.

Yeah, it's all bleached out. Not anymore. Not anymore. Little bits of it would break off and, you know, go into the ocean, but we barely notice. No, but everyone's got microplastics now. Like, that is what the ocean is. It'll be a feature, not a bug. Yeah, exactly.

Well, technically, won't we live longer because we're all made out of plastic now? Yeah, although there's a new study, which we shouldn't, we'll talk about some other time, but may actually account for the reason why the world is going to shit. And, you know, ideas like arming property developers suddenly seem like a good idea, which is that apparently microplastics have been shown to breach the blood brain barrier. Oh, wow, so we've got plastic in our brains. Yeah, we've got plastic in our brains. Sorry.

That's fine. I've lost my train of thought. I don't know what happened then. I don't know why. Yeah, I don't even know what's going on. Anyway, I think we're starting a podcast, Militia. I'll see you at the meeting. Okay, our gears from Road.

We are part of the iconoclast militia. Catch you next week. Oh, we'll catch you tomorrow. We'll catch you whenever. Catch you next time. Next time.