The Chaser Report - Australia's World Cup Bidding War With Saudi Arabia

Episode Date: October 9, 2023

Wondering what's happening in the Middle East? Well, keep wondering. In this episode Charles and Dom debate whether or not Australia should bid against Saudi Arabia to host the FIFA World Cup, and what are the incredibly achievable criteria it takes to host? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gatigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report with Dom and Charles. Charles, have you heard about the massive conflict underway in the Middle East in which Australia is intimately involved? Don, do you really think a lighthearted podcast about the sort of news should weigh in? Oh, God, I'm not talking about Israel and Palestine. Are you kidding? It's way too soon for us to talk about that,

which you've comprehensively proven on social media in the past couple of hours. No, no, we're going to leave that for the time being until the dust settles sometime in 2074. Yes. Anything like that. No, no, I'm talking about the 2034, actually, you'll probably still be going in 2034. The 2034 FIFA World Cup bid being made by Saudi Arabia. Should Australia bid to try and take it from the Saudis? Is there any point Australia trying to get it just because we did an amazing job with the Women's World Cup?

just a short while ago. Let's find out after this. So, Charles, your immediate reaction on me telling you three points. The first is the Saudis wanted. Yeah. The second thing is that the Asian Football Confederation, of which we are also part, right, supposedly, has immediately and very enthusiastically endorsed the Saudi bid.

Why? And the third point is that Australia has been invited to bid if we want to as well by the end of this month. We've got to the end of October to work out whether they're even bother. Last time we tried to get the men's World Cup. Didn't we get like one vote? We got one vote. So wait a minute.

Zaudis want the women's world car? No, the Saudis want the men's world car. Are you kidding me? You know what? If they want the Women's World Cup, if they actually want women working in public in Saudi, I would go that would actually be progress. Of course, they want the men's one. But the interesting thing is, and I'm going to get a little bit sort of down in the weeds of football here,

but this is the biggest event of any kind in the entire world. It's much bigger than the Olympics. Oh, really? Because the audience is bigger. More people care about one football competition than the entire Olympics. Well, I must say, I watch more of the Matilda's games and I watch the Olympics. Yeah, absolutely. So this is a huge thing.

So bear with me, because it does have all kinds of weird geopolitical implications. Yeah. It's getting weirder. So the World Cup... So can I just interrupt you? Yeah. Before you begin. Yeah.

With facts, all that sort of stuff. And just say, surely if Saudi Arabia wants it, they'll just get it because they'll just buy FIFA off. Like, isn't FIFA already the most corrupt institution? I mean, just because they gave the last one to Qatar. And just because, I mean, to Sadies presumably have senior FIFA officials in a room right now with the bonesaw is ready to go. Yeah, exactly. I don't know who runs FIFA now. Is it set blatter?

Jarnie. No, a guy called Jani Infantino. Oh, yes. He is the set bladder of today. Well, he doesn't want to be bone sword to death. So I think, it's a bag. He wants to turn up at the Women's World Cup and say, I'm gay. I'm a woman.

You know, I understand. minority positions in a completely ham-fisted and un-cissed way. It's in the bag for Saudi Arabia because he doesn't want to end up in the body bag. That's actually true. So maybe Australia shouldn't get involved. After all, Charles, I've heard the conflicts involving Middle Eastern nations can be protracted and impossible to resolve. I've heard. I don't know what you're talking about.

So here's the thing. In the past few years, and this is very good news for the Socceroos, by the way. In the past years, the World Cup has taken 32 nations. There's been 32 nations competing in the World Cup, right? that's what has been happening for a couple of decades now and it was very hard for Australia to get into those 32 nations

as you probably remember until we switched confederation to be part of the Asian Confederation Yes, I remember that and then suddenly it became easier we haven't missed a single one since then Oh really? We get in and then we just do very bad.

Oh we don't do very well at it but no so we got in the first time in this current run 2006 when we're still part of Oceania Yeah got in just at the 11th hour over Uruguay that time Since then it's been relatively plain sailing But here's the thing They're increasing the size

at the World Cup to 48 countries. So they're adding basically 50%. And there was a whole debate about, well, you know, the plan was that everyone plays two games rather than three is the minimum. So you have the same number of games overall. But then they've gone, fuck it. You can't have so much World Cup. So every single team that's there, all 48 teams get three games.

What that has meant is that it's impossibly difficult to stage a World Cup. They're absolutely massive. So the next one is going to take place in the USA and Canada. and Mexico. They've all had to join together in order to actually host this thing. And what about the wall? That's right.

We'll have to pull down the wall. I think they're going to have to try and fly over the wall, yeah, basically. So it's an absolutely insane prospect to host a World Cup. You know who should host it then? Who? Victoria. I think it should be hosted in regional Victoria. Regional Victoria.

I'm going to tell you more about the requirement. Just get on to that thought of the regional Victoria. Because it's getting absolutely insanely difficult to host. Okay, so 2020. 26 is Mexico, the USA and Canada, right? Yep, yeah. Then the 2030 World Cup is bonkers. It's going to be hosted by six nations in order to make it work.

The first three games will be played one in Uruguay, one in Paraguay, one in Argentina. Then they move the rest of the tournament to Spain, Portugal and Morocco. Oh, my goodness. So that's three different continents being involved in hosting one World Cup. And is that because they weren't burning enough carbon, and getting everyone to one location. Yeah, that's right. Well, this is the point people are making

is the amount of carbon involved is just absolutely bonkers. And also I love it how the shitty games go to Uruguay, like the early round games, and then what Europe and Morocco get the really good one.

I suspect Morocco's not going to get the final. So that's what's happening. They're kind of calling it the Everyone World Cup. There's not even one country. You can't even list the six countries. It's going to take too long. So it's kind of the Everyone World Cup. And this is because...

See, I'm quite loyal. I mean, except for the Carmen. Maybe they should do a Greta-Tunberg. On sale between them. And sale. Yes. Well, they'd almost have time, Charles. There's 104 matches next time.

So it's going to go on forever. And given how long those games last with all the extra time. The extra time that's been out of them. Yes, exactly. It will take a very, very... And plus, you'll get the Saudi advocates there just bone-sawing their opponents to pieces. It could take a very long time. So here's the thing.

Here's why it's such an insane thing. FIFA has now released their document explaining what you have to do to bid for the World Cup. And it's something Australian soccer fans have always wanted, right? There's always been this belief that if we only had the Men's World Cup here, suddenly soccer would, and I can't even call it football, would become our number one code and unify the nation. Well, it worked for women's soccer.

Well, it has, yeah. I mean, it's the thing. We're also watching women's teams, aren't they? Oh, we'd just think about the Matilda's every day. Yes, absolutely. It's not like it's faded. It's not like everyone's, we're all getting up at night to watch them play their club games, aren't we?

Over in Europe. Yes. Sam Kerr playing for Chelsea. Anyway, here's the thing. I am actually watch following the one, too. There's three of them who play for Arsenal now. It's very exciting. Who play for, follow my team.

So in order to have, and this is why the Saudi bit is fairly hilarious, in order to win the World Cup now, you're supposed to have 14 suitable stadiums in your country. 14 suitable stadiums, which means a minimum seating capacity of 40,000. You've also got to have a stadium with 60,000 for the semis, 80,000 for the final. Now, Australia actually has most.

to that stuff already if you include the ovals like the MCG but that's not all you've got to do you've also got to have get this 72 suitable base camp training sites where they can practice yes of course 72 hotels one for every team different locations yeah so you've got 48 different teams but then you need they need two locations around the country yeah for whether because they're based at two different cities then you need 72 hotels within a 20 minute drive of the training sites all of them at least four stars and they've got to have 80 guest rooms. Then you need four team hotels and four training sites per competition venue as well.

Referee-based camp hotels and training sites. And every host city has to have one five-star hotel for FIFA's VIPs. So hang on, I feel like India would be able to do this easily. Well, they probably would because they've got all the giant cricket grounds. They've got the fuck-off stadiums. Well, every city has about 50 million people. It does. Yeah, so that could work pretty well.

Mind you, it wouldn't be a 20-minute drive. It would be like a one hour and 40 minute drive to get three kilometers to the stadium. But the thing I just struck me is that, let's find out after this. The Chaser Report, more news, less often. So how in the fuck is Saudi Arabia eligible for that? Saudi Arabia doesn't have, what it was it, 40 billion stadiums? I don't know. So it's possible they'll have to, you know, just post it with Qatar.

So they have currently two stadiums with a capacity of 40,000. Like, we have, I think, seven or eight of them in Australia. Yeah, well, we've got two. And they want to build another three and redevelop another four. So they'd have nine. Still nowhere near enough. Yes. And like many of our capital cities already have at least two stadiums like that.

Yeah. Like Perth now has two. If you include the cricket grounds, which you can. Yeah. Yeah. Most cities do have that. Sydney has three. Melbourne has three.

Yeah. Regional Victoria. No, Melbourne's got two. Melbourne's got two. Brisbane's got probably two. Two. Regional Victoria has dozens. What would have?

Because Dan Andrews are still, these are still building the facilities? Oh, yeah. That's right. But the other thing is, do we really need, you know, four-star hotels? Or I'm thinking billeting. Billeting. Billeting. At our place.

Yes. Yeah. So you go, oh, hello. I don't know, what's a famous soccer player. I don't really know. know anyone. I don't know, David Beckham. Does he still play? No, does he still play? Okay. Maradonna.

Maradonna. Does he play? He's dead. Hello, Mr. Ronaldo. Hello, Mr. Ronaldo. Prishano Rinaldo won't be at this World Cup. But, okay, Killian and Buppet, let's say it. Yeah, yeah. You can stay at Dom's house. Yeah. That would be very humbling for him.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. I've got good hospitality. And with the FIFA, you just give them a really good Airbnb. You get them on the coast. Yeah. Beautiful Airbnb. That's a very good idea. And, like, you know, maybe with a share bit, you know, bathroom.

Yeah, shared bathroom for that. God, that would be good for them. Yeah. So. But then the owner could take the couch. Like if it was a, if it was, I don't know, whatever the Ballant. What's his name? Valentino.

Infantino. Inventino. He could take the master bedroom. I think that's FIFA now texting you saying, what a brilliant idea that is. So at the moment, Australia's in a pretty good position. And here's the thing. New Zealand has won. So if New Zealand wants to co-host the World Cup, it's pretty much a token thing where you go,

look, you can have one. Yeah, they can have, I don't know, they can have the Uruguay game. The chances are actually, and this is the thing I'm excited about. The chances are actually not too bad because here's the thing. I don't think anyone else wants it because it's so incredibly hard to host. The requirements are so insane and you're not even allowed to bid under the current rules unless you have seven stadiums with a capacity of 40,000. Right.

So under the rules of FIFA, even though the Asian Confederation, which is currently headed by Sheikh Salman bin Abraham Al Khalis, who's pros to Saudi bid, just for what it's worth. Yeah. It's not clear if their bid will even be accepted under these rules. So Australia could win it by default. Unless you think FIFA is the kind of organisation that would change its rules to massively benefit a sort of petro dollar state.

Never. Never. All I'm saying is the 2034 World Cup could be coming to Australia for one warm-up game before the whole thing goes to Saudi Arabia. So if we do go for the bid, remember last time we got one vote? Yep. And was it us? Was it our vote?

No, I don't think it was out. I don't know if you can vote yourself. But I don't even know who it was, but it is tragically hilarious. How many votes do you reckon we'll get this time? None. None. Because of the bone sores. Yeah.

I think we'll get the warm up game, though. I think we'll get one warm up game. And who would be in that warm up game? I just Australia versus, I don't know, Burkina Faso or something. I don't know. Why don't we launch a joint beard with Saudi Arabia? And we can say between us. We've got, you know, enough hotels and enough stadiums and enough, you know, five stars.

It's actually a genuinely good idea. Yes. If you don't give a shit about the amount of miles you fly. Yes. If you don't give a shit about the politics of a really terrible regime that we shouldn't be in bed with. Yes. If you ignore all that stuff, Australia and New Zealand, just for the one stadium and Saudi Arabia, what a bid. That would be a great bid.

It's a dream team. But you know what the problem would be. What would the problem be? I can't think of a single problem. I mean, you say carbon, but by 2034, surely it's already over. The planet's already basically gone by then. Well, either it's completely gone or we've solved one or the other. Well, there is a way to solve the climate crisis.

There is actually a way. And I'm glad we've sort of got to this point because there is only one way that we'll genuinely solve climate change. I am. If we can figure out a way that's solving climate change makes Saudi Arabia and Qatar money. Yes. Aren't they buying up all these green technologies? Maybe by then, the petro states will have saved us. And it'll be the green games.

And it'll be the world's most amazing greenwashing event ever. Yeah, all the teams will just wear green. The most watched green washing event in the history of the world. Yeah, women won't be able to attend the games. No. But, you know, they'll watch it from home. That's exactly how we do. Anyone who wants to be a man and watch the soccer can go to Saudi Arabia.

and anyone who wants to watch it with women can come to Australia. Actually, you know what? It's a really interesting idea that you have. Maybe what we should do is partner with Saudi for the next Women's World Cup as well. And that way, all the games with the Matildas could be held in Australia.

Every other game could be held in Saudi and no one would be allowed to play. And we would win. And we would win! Unless we had to play England again. Our Gears from Road, we are part of the iconocles network. See ya.