The Chaser Report - Back to School

Episode Date: May 21, 2020

With children in most states heading back to school, it’s time for gentle reflection about how, over the past few months, we’ve grown to despise our kids. Dr Dom Knight looks at hydroxychloroquine, while Andrew Hansen reviews the tunes about the pandemic that are targeted at toddlers. Plus we check in with Zoe Norton-Lodge about what it’s like to have a baby while in lockdown. All that plus the latest news you can’t trust from Rebecca De Unamuno in The Chaser newsroom. 
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In times like these, it's important to know who you can trust. At last, a new source that's reliably reliable, informatively informational and never wrong. Unfortunately, you're not listening to it. Instead, you're listening to the Chaser Report. Gidea, gooday, gooday, for another exhilarating episode of Australia's longest running podcast, The Chaser Report. I'm Charles Firth, and joining me today are Dom Knight and Eighty. Andrew Hanson, and there's only one question on everyone's mind today, isn't there? Yes, why are you so high energy at the start of this podcast?

What have you been taking? Hydroxychloroquine? No, like the cafes are reopening, you know, in some states, kids are going back to school. Vaccine trials are looking good. I mean, you know, there's only one question on everyone's mind, isn't there? Is there, Charles? It's not on my mind, Charles. What is the question? The question is, what's your favourite fourth?

coming album of 2020. Oh, that question. Yes, of course, of course, and it immediately, of course, brings to mind the brand new album of brilliant award-winning audio sketches from that hilarious comedy group, Radio Chaser. Are we still doing that? Yeah, no, we're doing an album. Yeah, it's coming out on Monday, Dom. It's coming out on Monday.

I'm on the show that we did, like, that finished last year on a different network. Shh, don't talk about that part of it. There's an album coming out on Monday. Dom, it's an hilarious album that's clearly. going to only be produced so that we can win an ARIA award in the category of best comedy album, which has no entrance every year. So let me get this right. We're releasing an album during a pandemic when the shops are closed, featuring sketches

from our radio show that finished last year. Yes, but Dom, it's going to be available on the Apple Music Store, whatever it's called, and it's on Spotify right now. Grab it on the Apple Music Store or whatever it's called right now. That's right. Anyway, it's officially released on Monday, and I've been crunching the numbers, guys, because it is a bit of a new world. We've done the whole streaming thing, you know, like it's on Spotify and Apple Music and stuff like that. And we get, get this, we get 0.0075 per play of the album.

I don't feel it rolling in the dough. So I've done the calculations. Say we want to make $10 each out of this. Each, mind you. Like, that's, you know, it's like a beer. It's pretty good. You can see the dollar signs in your eyes there, Charles. What, how many plays?

All we need is for 4,000 people to listen to all 101 tracks on the album. And we'll get $10 each. There you go. Ten bucks coming in. How many the tracks feature Ariana Grande or Justin Bieber? Oh, look, I'm sure there's one or two. You'll have to listen to the whole album to find out, Dom. Charles, what is the title of the album?

I think you should probably, if you're going to plug the album, I think you probably need to explain what it's called. So it's called Radio Chaser, the non-essential collection. Oh, that fits true. Yeah, it really is non-essential listening in this time of need. Anyway, we've got a great show for you today. Dr. Dominic Knight is providing advice on hydroxycoloquine. Dom, you actually are a doctor, aren't you?

Of creative writing, which makes me more qualified than Donald Trump. And Andrew is looking at all the great. children's songs that try to explain the pandemic to toddlers. But first, let's head over to Beck Dana-Muno in the Chaser World International Global Newsroom. A study out today has confirmed that the leading sign of psychopathy is keeping begemite in the fridge. Scientists say 10 out of 10 people who keep the spread in the fridge have either murdered

someone or worked for a bank in the past five years. With the number of people working at home at an all-time high, Accountants across the country are bracing for a tsunami of bullshit come tax time. The Australian tax office has reported a 2,000% increase in the number of people trying to claim wear and tear on their toaster as a legitimate tax deduction. A woman has spent yet another wonderful 30 minutes talking to the top of her parents' heads on FaceTime. To obey the rules of social distancing, Gretel McNamann has replaced regular face-to-face coffee dates with her ageing parents with half-hour sessions telling them how to angle their phone away.

from the light fittings. Speaking on condition of anonymity, McNamann's father William told the Chaser report that they actually knew how to set up the camera properly, but they just didn't want their daughter to see them drinking wine at 11am. That's the Chaser Report headlines, news you can't trust. Thanks, Vic.

Hey, Beck, have you tried a hydroxycholicloquin? Yeah, yeah, yeah, it totally works. Oh, really? Yep, I've been taking it for the past week and I haven't got malaria. It's amazing. Oh, well, that's... That's great news.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is the Chase of Report. So the brilliant news about this week was that as from next Monday, children are going to go back to school full time in New South Wales. Congratulations, Charles. It's been a long haul. You look kind of happy about this, Charles. Is it related? You don't happen to have kids, do you? I've got a bloody nine-year-old.

old and 11 year old and I am sick of them. I am sick of them. They can go home. They should just, no, they should not go home. They should go to school and bloody start learning again instead of just pretending to learn and just slacking off the whole time. My God, they are shit. They are shit. I hate them. Good riddance to them. Poor man. I love how your first instinct there was to say, they should go home. I mean, you've gone so insane that you think you're living in some weird factory. Well, we have actually been setting it up that, so whoever's doing the homeschooling that day, because we swap it around.

If you did it full time, you'd go insane. You'd just, you'd lose your fine. But whereas I'm very measured and sane in my approach, no, no, no, but the way we do it is that whoever's the teacher, the other person is the principal for that day. So you play the role of principal and you come in and you pretend to know the kid's names and things like that occasionally and give them some treats. It sounds overly elaborate.

It does. It's starting to sound like a weird sort of cult or something. There's not a priest role involved in this as well, is there? I mean, well, yeah, no, this is a strict Catholic school, Andrew. And the principal cane and children? Well, you know, not legally, but yes, of course, that that happens every day. How many principles have you had to move to another parish?

Oh, yeah, we've had to move. I mean, you know, unfortunately, because of the lockdown, it's been very hard to move on irresponsible principles. But yes, this is getting very dark and very weird. Well, like your homeschooling situation. I mean, it is dark and weird. If you're role-playing the parts of various different school, like, who's the sexy librarian? Have you got one of those in the house? Oh, well, my, I originally got one like six weeks ago,

but then my wife objected to that. So I had to get rid of her. This is really making me appreciate teachers and what they do. Like the idea of your children not going to you all day for guidance. I think that's a very good system. Exactly. Well, I actually, well, this is the whole thing about it, though, is that you've actually got to, you've got to perform as a teacher

because there is a bit of a competition going on Because what if you're not the best teacher in the school? You always want to be the favourite teacher, right? And you're completing directly with the person who also happens to be your partner. So you've got to mix it up. You've got to be a little bit funnier than the other one. You've got to be the one who gives more treats and stuff like that if they do good work and stuff like that. I did actually a little bit of market research because, you know, I thought, well, it's the end of the seven weeks.

I should ask Hartley, who's my eldest son, he's 11 years old, you know, what he thought of the time, like, who won? Was it me or was it his mum? So who's your favourite teacher, mum or me? It's got to go down to the day. If you are having a grumpy day and mum is also having a grumpy day, I'd much rather have mum. Yeah, so there you go. So clearly the winner, because, you know, I don't think I was.

would have a grumpy day. So, so I did ask, so I just wanted to clarify the, what happens on ungrumpy days. But if you were having an ungrumpy day and mum was also having an ungrumpy day, it would lean more towards you. Yeah, see?

So, so that totally, that totally means that I win because I'm always charming and wonderful, as you know. I don't, I don't want to pop your bubble, but at the start of this segment, it was pretty clear that homeschool was a grump-inducing experience for you, Charles. I think that's the most grumpy I've ever heard to you.

There are also some disadvantages. There's some real disadvantages. I don't know whether you've noticed guys, but I've been slacking off for the last seven or eight weeks. I've hardly done anything. And it's because homeschooling provides you with the perfect excuse to just not do any work because it's the perfect thing. You just say, oh, no, sorry, I can't make that meeting.

I'm homeschooling that day. Oh, no, sorry, I just can't literally do any work that day. I'm homeschooling. Yeah, everyone's saying, everyone's saying, oh, you can't tell, I'm homeschooling. Why don't you tell everyone that you're homeschooling your kids when you're not? I did. That's why I've been doing, yeah, that's why. No, but from now on, why don't you say, look, we like it so much.

We've taken our kids out of school. We're keeping on homeschooling them. And that way not only will know I never expect you to do anything, but we'll all think you've become a religious nutter. And it's also a perfect excuse for me to be just grumpy the whole time. The Chaser Report, news a few days after it happens. Now, Andrew Charles, as you know, for quite some time Donald Trump has been touting this drug called hydroxychloroquine as a magic cure for COVID-19.

And it is a magic cure for malaria and lupus. But for COVID-19, no proof at all that it works. You've heard about this, right? Oh, yeah, absolutely. I mean, not just touting it, but guzzling it, I understand. Well, that's true. This is what he said this week. It was quite a bombshell in a press conference.

I happen to be taking it. Hydroxychloroquine? I'm taking it, hydroxychloroquine. Right now, yeah. A couple of weeks ago, started taking it. I've heard a lot of good stories. He's heard a lot of good stories. What do you think these good stories might be, guys?

Well, I mean, you do, don't you? You just, all I hear all day is people's good stories about taking hydroxyxyxyxy. oxychloroquine. That's what we're all talking about, isn't it? Yeah, there are storytelling nights, aren't there that you can go to? People share their joy that they've had on it. If he tuned to his favourite station Fox News, he would have heard a story that wasn't quite so good. Here is a presenter by the name of Neil Cavuto. If you are in a risky population here and you are taking this as a preventative treatment to ward off the virus, it will kill you. I cannot stress enough. This will

kill you. Well, it's not all bad news then that he's taking the drug. I mean, yeah, this is why I sort of, I can see only upside. Like, I have a feeling this drug may actually just cure the 2020 elections, like, by itself. It is the miracle cure we've been looking for. What else is he doing to protect himself? Is he like shooting himself in the head every night?

I mean, what are what other measures or safety measures has he got in place here? That's a very good question. But look, Trump is not worried at all. He thinks it's absolutely fine that he's taking this weird lupus drug. And if it's not good, I'll tell you right, I'm not going to get hurt by it. It's been around for 40 years. So the President of the United States says that, look, if a drug's been around for a while, it's fine. You can just take it.

It doesn't matter. It's completely safe. So based on that logic of the leader of the free world, what prescription drugs would you like to take? Just any, any you like. Well, it's got to be oxycontin. Like if I'm allowed to just take a drug It's been around for years Charles It's fine

It's fine Well I'd go further than 40 years I mean why not You know drugs we've had for centuries Why we should all be on opium I reckon that'd get us through I've got a list here Of the actual side effects of this drug

From WebMD I'm going to read them to you I want you know if you think he's experiencing any of them Now that he's on this drug Hair loss Oh hello I can see that on Charles as well well, yes.

Yeah, that's true. Also, hunger. Hunger's very common. Well, he's known to stop in tamakas every so often, isn't he? That checks out. That was sudden weight gain, probably associated with the hunger. Has he had that? I haven't seen it before and aftershot of Trump.

It was more permanent than sudden, yeah. What about swelling of the face? That would be great if that happens. That'll be really good. That happened longer go. What about muscle wasting? Really? Oh, he's a strong man, isn't except for the hands.

Well, I could explain the hands. Okay, what about confusion? Yeah, well, there you go. God, he's definitely on this thing, isn't he? Difficulty reading. We mentioned that before. That one checks out too. All right, and one of these I'm making up, see if you can pick it, yellowing skin.

Yeah, well, that's the one you've made it, mate. Is that the one you made up? It is absolutely true. Oh, wow. It causes yellowing skin. Oh. What about bleached hair? No, it doesn't cause that.

That's stupid. It's also on the list. That's true. Oh, my gosh. Leached your hair. What? We referred to this before. What about mental problems?

No. It's just definitely true. Yeah. What about insane hatred of Barack Obama? Yep. I'd say that'd be one of the side effects. The Chaser Report. News you can't trust.

This show is sponsored by Australian barley. We've got $200 million worth of the stuff that China won't buy, so we're having a bit of a barley sale on today. Half price, only $90 per metric ton. Oh, what a bargain, Charles. I love barley, love it. It's got to be one of my favourite members of the grass family, I'd say. Oh, it's so versatile, isn't it, guys?

If I had a herd of cattle, I'd be buying it up to feed them. I may even buy a herd of cattle just to take advantage of this special. Domi, Dommy, oh, not just cattle, a brewery. If I owned a brewery, I'd be snapping up some extra barley or a whiskey distillery. Absolutely. Absolutely. So get on the deal. Snap up some barley today.

Remember to mention you heard about it on the Chaser Report. And getting quick, there's only 1.1 million metric tons of the stuff to get rid of. The Chaser Report. News you know you can't trust. Now, Domi, Charles, you know, you guys are parents like me. I don't know how you're going with explaining this whole coronavirus thing to your kids. You know, last week I battled through some children's books that have been released to try and help explain this situation to our little ones.

Coronavirus messaging for kids, it's a tricky one. Did you know that kids' musicians have also leapt into the fray? They have indeed, and they've got some coronavirus songs, especially for kids. Oh, right. Take a look at them right. Yeah, isn't that good news? You know, I'm sure you didn't have enough children's songs in your life. Just to add to the suffering in the world right now.

That's right. Well, let's begin with the big name, the Wiggles. Donnie, do you want to take a guess at the title of the new Wiggles song about the coronavirus? If they're looking back at the origins, how about Old McDonald Ata Farm? A lovely story about a hangolin and not a bad guess. But not correct, however. Charles, do you want to Wiggle's song about the coronavirus, please? I don't know.

I was going to say hot Corona. You know, it would be like hot, hot bat soup, hot bat. No, I'm terrible. I don't know. Oh, not a bad guess. Well, look, actually, the new Wiggles song is, it's actually not as metaphorical as you might think. The new Wiggle song is called this.

Social distancing. Staying home to help the world. So social distancing. Keeping safe all the boys and girls Social distancing is the title of the song And of course it is about Emma's attempts To socially distance herself from Locky There are two words that preschools definitely understand

Social and distancing Well done Emma What was the line at the end? Oh the line at the end I think it's what was it Stay at Home to Save the World Keeping Safe All the Boys and Girls Or something like that

Oh okay, something like that Look, anyway, I should be more familiar with it, because I'm very familiar with the Wiggles songbook. And is this going to enter the canon for the Wiggles, Andrew? Is this? It is canonical. I mean, it's written and performed by the Wiggles, Charles. It's now part of the official Wiggles history.

I reckon they'll be opening their gigs to the 100 people that Scott Morrison thinks are going to be facking theaters by July. They'll be opening the social distancing, I reckon. It's funny you should say that about the canon, though, because I noticed, and only a dad would notice this, which is why I want to put the question to you guys. This song is almost identical to an existing Wiggle Song, which is also about science except with different words.

Charles, do you want to take a guess? Which branch of science is the older Wiggles song about? I don't know. Is it medical science, maybe? Close. Domi, Tommy, the original Wiggles. I was thinking medical science. I was thinking intensive care medicine and wake up Jeff.

Doctors. Doctors, we can't wake Jeff. Well, no, let's hear it. I don't know if you can remember social distancing. Social distancing. Well, the older Wiggles Science song is, of course, this classic. Meteorology. Look, my kids were very big fans of the Wiggles for many.

years and we never got deep enough into the catalogue here meteorology. Really? Like I think that was an unfair question, Andrew. I should have adapted a classic like maybe two chugger chugger big big red ambulance. Well, look Charles, I surprise your kids don't want to be meteorologists when they grow up because of that. Look, admittedly, that is a deep cut. It's not one of the singles. Now, the Wiggles, they're not the only kids musicians making virus awareness songs. And one of the most infectious virus tracks, I guess I could say, comes from the artist, Didi and Friends, goes like this. Oh, no, oh no, virus go go.

Question for you, Charles. Virus is what? Can you tell me? What's the next part of the song? Can you tell me, virus emergency, virus is what? It's something you can't see, was I mean? Oh, not bad, not bad. I mean, you've got to think these songs are designed to sort of, you know, calm children down

and just make them feel that everything's going to be okay. So, Dom, what do you, what do you think? I'm thinking virus is created in a top secret CIA lab. Oh, that wouldn't be very comforting for kids. Let's just hear what the rest of the clip is to make your kids feel better about the whole thing. Emergency virus is attacking. It's attacking. Right.

So that's a good one to play for your kids if they're a little bit worried. Now, moving genres now, and a pair of doctors have released. Of course they have in America. Of course, they've released a coronavirus rap. Now, check it out. Droplets spread, they can go on your eyes, switch your ears, on your mouth from outside. Be careful what you touch, because it may not be clean,

sanitized or hamils, and looking your screens. If you see someone cough and it's sick to stay away, yeah, so the virus doesn't tell you away. Those get sick, you can't wear a mask, it's easy to do. And if you need one. So a question for you, Dom and Charles, while you rap, If you need a mask, then what? You're fucked because Donald Trump's in charge of the supply chain.

There are no masks. They're screwed. They're all going to die. It's kind of thing a rapper would say, I suppose, isn't it? Charles, what do you reckon the rappers are going to advise? If you need a mask, just ask, surely. Hey, let's reveal the answer. Yeah, Charles Fitt.

Trump said that. Just ask. Yeah, they say COVID-19 affects the brain, and I think those doctors are. have got it. None of the medical advice contained in the Chaser report should legally be considered medical advice. The Chaser Report.

Okay, now, guys, we've got a very special guest on the phone line. Andrew and Dom have both been complaining enormously about what it's like to have little kids while under lockdown. So I thought we should get Zoe Norton Lodge to join us. Zoe, are you there? Yeah, I'm here. Yeah, so you've got a baby under lockdown. What is that like?

Like, you know, like Dom and Andrew have just been complaining incessantly about, you know, oh, how terrible it is to look after their little toddlers or whatever. How old is your baby? He's 15 weeks. And so basically he only knows life under lockdown. Yeah, he does. He literally only knows life under lockdown. So when he was born, he was actually in personal lockdown because he'd been in the little baby ICU for a little while.

He's totally fine now. But because of that, he was in baby lockdown for the first six weeks. and then so he hadn't seen anyone he hadn't um you know really had cuddles with people and then his deadline was up and literally the next day we all went into lockdown so he's literally emerging for the first time now so he's probably going to be you know a mess totally unsocialized you know no idea who knows we'll find out we'll find out the hard way and and so what's it been like well look I also have a two year old at home so it's been quite wild but I think that the decision to have sort of babies just shy of two years apart

is so mad that adding a pandemic to it I'm not sure what difference it made it's sort of like you know we were sort of prepared for it to be completely insane I mean lucky I have incredibly low standards as a parent to begin with you know you think of being like oh don't worry about if you're watching a bit more TV or the evening a bit more crap like don't be too hard on yourself and I'm like oh no I shouldn't take that advice because I'm so bad already. Like one of my kid, Rue's catchphrases at the moment

is, mom, off TV, off. Like, oh, okay. Are you sure you don't want to watch another Sarah and duck? He's like, off TV. And I found him, I was about to throw away a, like,

a cardboard box that some stuff had come in. And he was like, no, Mama, this make a beautiful road. And he unassembled the box and made it, like, it had bends and dips in it in a tunnel. And he made himself, like, a little, thing to play with any pay with it for an hour and I was like look I'm dreadful but he's

quite resilient I realized the other day that my my two-year-old knows every one of the 70 episodes of bluey like you scroll through the menu and she she knows the titles from the little photo that's how bad a parent I've been with my two-year-old during like that no no the thing is that's really like that's nutritional like we try with bluey but we wind up with you know like cars like this says oh god I don't even know it's called like a show that involved cars that are also dinosaurs. It's like the most boyish terrible thing I've ever seen. Yeah, there is.

You've got, you've got girls. You don't understand. You don't understand. You're not showing you kids the cars that ate parriss, are you? The Peter Weir film. That will be next. I tried Herbie, actually. Tell you what, didn't age well.

I thought it was going to be a real treat. It was shit. What's wrong with it? Okay, to be fair, he's two, and I've got zero interest in cars, and it was a weird 80s film. So I think it was a bad choice. it's all round like it didn't work for our family so maybe i'm being a bit harsh of it but um it didn't go down particularly well well thank you very much zoie um i think you've put us all at ease and made

us feel like um we're we're much better parents than you so um yeah thank you yeah no look um anytime you want to feel better about um we i wouldn't even talk about my drinking so there go yeah yeah yeah yeah i know yeah we're gonna get you back next time Report. News a few days after it happens. One of the great things about having a trade war with China is that we get to keep all the stuff that they refuse to buy from us. Oh, exactly. It's a bonanza. It's fantastic. Like, for example, Australia now has 1.1 million metric tons of barley that China won't buy.

Oh, that is such great news. If I owned a cattle ranch or an industrial bakery or major brewery or a barley sugar plant. I'd be so happy right now. So check out Australian barley today at discountbarley.com.com. You slash chaser report and we'll send you 20 metric tons of barley absolutely free. Great offer. The Chaser Report. Less news more often. Okay, well, we're almost at the end of the show.

But, oh, wait a minute. There's breaking news from Rebecca Day and Muno in the Chaser Newsroom. Again, the sixth episode in a row. Why does the news always break at this point in the podcast? How can it be? It's just incredible. Rebecca, what's going on? New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardenne

has doubled down on her campaign to promote tourism between New Zealand and Australia, declaring that it came with huge advantages that would see booth our economy's doom. A spokesperson for Scott Morrison said he is waiting to find out what the hell she said before he responds to her comments. Back to you.

Oh, well, that's, that is amazing breaking news. Thank you very much. Now, check us out on chaser.com.com. You remember to subscribe to us on Facebook, Twitter and TikTok. And please subscribe to us in the Apple music app or the Apple Podcasts app, whatever it is, the Apple one. Because that's the only metric that matters, apparently. Usually podcast. I find the podcast apps much better for podcasts.

and the music app I find less good for podcasts or indeed any other thing. Music's good for music. Anyway, we're going to leave you now with a very special preview for an ad for the Albanese. The Chaser Report. Now with extra whispers. Are you sick of opposition leaders that just oppose, oppose, oppose? No. Why not try the Albanese?

The Albanese. It's a whole new way of being opposition leader where you don't oppose, anything whatsoever. What? Foreign relations. The coalition and Labor have been at one. We have had the same position on these matters. Trade.

We've also supported the Australian government taking China over this issue to the WTO. But what about coal? I hear you ask. Scott Morrison loves his coal, but only an Albanese can link it to national pride. Much of

our coal is much better quality than it's available from the alternative. But hang on, I hear you say. What about a core labour issue, like job seeker? Yeah. Surely Albanesey thinks it should be set at a level where people have enough to live on. You'd think?

Well, we need to give people enough to live off. Oh, great, what a relief. Not so fast. Why not ask him whether he supports that level? Now, I don't think it should be kept at the level where it is. Oh. The Albanesey, an opposition leader, so opposed to opposing, you won't even notice he's there.

Sorry, who was it again? No one would object to that.