The Chaser Report - Balloons Arms Race

Episode Date: February 6, 2023

Dom goes behind enemy lines and deciphers the TRUE meaning behind China's super secret spy balloon. Meanwhile Charles has a story about trout that's so disgusting we can't even begin to describe it to you. Legit, it's nasty. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gatigall Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is the Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report. Dom Knight and Charles Firth, back in your feed. In today's episode, I want to explore the terrifying inflatable device that's been floating over America in an ominous manner, Charles. And I have the answer to the question, why is trout so cheap at the moment? Charles, we're safe. The Western world, the good people, are safe from the most dire and terrifying threat yet seen

from something that was likely to basically end the good bit of humanity, you know, the parts outside of China. Well, this is the thing that disaster movies never got right. Like, they always sort of thought that the threat would come from a nuclear holocaust or some sort of alien invasion. Yeah, or a giant meteor heading towards the earth. Or even, you know, an intercontinental ballistic missile. But we now know. We now know that the biggest threat to the security of the Western world comes from balloons.

It comes from a balloon. The balloon of doom. Not just one balloon, Dom. It's now three balloons, they've discovered. It was three balloons and Biden let two of them get away. Biden is in cahoots with big balloon. And you know who broke at the deal, don't you? you. Hunter Biden was all on his iPad.

Yeah, right. I don't know if you've heard you. We know the laptop, the iPad also. Lots of photos of balloons. Balloons. Either he's in cahoots with big balloons or he has young children that he entertains his balloons. So do we know, just for people who don't know the story, what is the story, Don't. Don't be too scared. People are drilling outside. There's a balloon defensive. We're putting up with some big spikes around the office. Just make sure. Imagine how much cheaper the Star Wars scheme. It would have been, you know, should down missiles if they'd known that all they had to do was shoot down balloons. Yeah, I mean, I'm basically going to go and live right next to a giant TV tower

because there's no way. I was worried about the radiation before, but now I know it's balloon safety. No, look, this is essentially a surveillance balloon, a very large, apparently the size of three buses, a balloon that was drifting across much of America, though apparently it had the ability to maneuver itself. So it wasn't just some sort of drift balloon. Certainly wasn't some sort of aeronautical observation balloon like the Chinese government said it was surveilling the parts in Montana where they just happened to have a whole bunch

of missiles in the ground. So surveilling the silos and so on. No one really knows exactly what it was doing. And then eventually Biden got off his presidential ass and gave the order to shoot it down, which occurred as soon as it went over the oceans. A little bits of balloon, debris didn't hit anybody. Yes. Because that's apparently the protocol in the US.

So if a missile comes to the US, what we now know that they'll do is they'll wait until it's Missed everything to actually shoot it down. Because you wouldn't want any debris getting any one's face. So, yeah, so the balloon's been shot down. I don't know that we not yet know what was actually attached to it, but there were all kinds of devices attached to it. But it turns out this was the thin end of the balloon wedge, Charles. And there are other balloons, as you say,

there was one in Canadian airspace. Apparently there's a whole children's party worth of balloons being released from China on the regular. And the question is, why, when you imagine that they have incredibly sophisticated surveillance satellites, It's already have much better images of all these things. Why the balloon? Why now before the Secretary of State Anthony Blinken is due to go to Beijing to patch up the relationship?

Why the balloon now? And did they think that America would miss it? Well, can I pose a bit of a controversial theory on this? Which is, I think that Xi Jinping is a huge fan of the movie Up. Oh. Right. And I think that actually The Chinese are right in saying

This was not a surveillance balloon I think probably He just wanted to see Whether he could float up into Like his whole house to float up You know That's very sweet You know that made me cry

Yeah The scene with the balloon in up It completely made me so Maybe she didn't think Maybe it was like It's a white balloon Maybe it was a peace signal Yes

Exactly I think we read in To the actions of our enemies He's far too much, Dom. But they're out to get us, whereas in fact, they might have just wanted to entertain us. It's the most interesting thing that's happened in 2023. Yes. So far, for sure, this balloon coming up.

And who's to say that it wasn't, that it was surveilling? Who's to say it wasn't bringing a basket of gifts? A bouquet of flowers. Because you're ahead of the meeting. But I wonder whether, because they had it, they must have known that it would definitely be shot down. Well, because you'd think that the US's radars. I know that occasionally people are the hopeless.

It was 100,000. meters in the air. It's very high. It was much higher than any aircraft would ever fly. And it's quite hard to shoot down that high, apparently. Oh, really? But, yeah, because it's much higher than you would normally go. Yes.

So I don't know how good it's camera. How good would its camera be? Oh, no. That high. It would be very good. He probably has one of those Apple 14 pro max. Oh, it's got an iPhone attached to it. Which are bloody fucking good.

I mean, they're all made in China. They probably just went to the Foxconn factory. Well, maybe it was just a repair, retirement. turn of a broken eye find. The right, completely freaked out about this. And Biden's weak on balloons. Yes, it's the balloon threat. I mean, it used to be reds under the bed.

It's now balloons in the air. They're terrified of it. But do you think maybe it's sort of counter-propagant? Like, there's actually a sort of counter-intelligence thing where they're leading America to think that they're very low-tech by putting on board. They probably just. Oh, I see.

You know, and it's just actually a diversion from some other, like, meanwhile, they send the balloon up, everyone stares in the air. Some like drone looks like a bird that's flying right. Yeah. Don't you think that's more? And also, surely America will now, like, surely if they thought that, you know, genuine secrets were being found out, they would have shut it down, you know, over the military days. The fact that they left it to, I think that they were just not very, they were sort of non-plussed about the whole thing. You know, like, I don't, I just don't think. It's not the most terrifying.

It's not exactly the start of World War III, is it? Yeah. Do you think maybe? Because I think it was on the same day that they announced that they were going to invade Taiwan by 2027 or something. Do you think maybe? But by balloon, it's not going to be very effective. Do you think, do you think? Taiwan's got to arm itself with a whole of the sling shots.

But you just need some darts. Get the world's greatest darts competitors. Yes. Arm them up with darts. You know those fat guys who compete on the TV? They're basically from pubs in the UK, the world's best darts players. Let them lose. In Taiwan.

No darts getting into Taiwan on their watch. No way. But just hear me out here, which is, so America, like, America's whole argument about defending Taiwan is, well, you know, it's an independent country. But China's argument is, well, it's not real, like, it's in our realm, right? As the superpower in Asia, we get to decide what happens to the country that's right next to Australia. And they say historically it was part of China, et cetera, et cetera, yes.

And their argument about, you know, Ukraine and Russia is, well, it's sort of, it's in Russia's realm, like it may not be Russia, but, you know, You know, Russia historically has had close links to it. Like a sphere of influence type of it. Yeah, yeah, exactly. It's sort of up to them to decide what happens. Right. And by floating, because the balloon started off floating over Latin America, right?

And that's when everyone started going, shoot it down, shoot it down. And the argument coming from America was, well, we're allowed to shoot it down if it's over Latin America because that's our realm. So do you think it's a sort of trick by China to force the argument, force America, to realize. Actually, this is, you know, like, the realm's argument is a valid argument. So if China can just grab Taiwan, then America can grab Latin America, basically. Yeah, exactly. No American would put up with China floating balloons over Latin America.

They don't. They shoot them down. You know what I mean? Like, this is a good argument for Australia. Yes. If we want New Zealand, if we want New Zealand to be in our sphere. And maybe, you know, Nauru, Cocos Islands.

What would our real business? Antarctica. Well, wouldn't it be Indonesia? Like, isn't that? I don't think they'd go with that. New Zealand we could probably take. Yeah. I suspect.

Okay. One of my favorite things about this is the absolute frothing of the mouth from Republicans. So Marjorie Taylor Green, the rabid, the congresswoman, tweeted that Biden should shoot it down. Yeah, she would have, she would have used case for a space laser. Yes, that's right. Right. On the moon. Yeah.

But isn't that, I think the space lasers was a Jewish conspiracy, wasn't it? It was going to be a Jewish space laser. Yeah. And had there been one, it would have been perfect time-time available. She would have been thanking God for the Jews. She said Biden should shoot down the Chinese spy balloon immediately. President Trump would never have tolerated this. President Trump would never have tolerated many things happening to America.

The thing was, it emerged a couple of days later that three balloons had come during the Trump administration, and it hadn't even been reported or not. noticed at all. Oh, really? So, that backfired. What you're saying is that the Republicans are being hypocritical about this. I mean, just, it's a slight double standard.

It's shocked me. It's just blown me down. It's funny. So what does it all amount to? I mean, what I think this means, Charles. Well, I think Australia has to enter the balloon arms race. The balloon arms race. And, you know, fuck the nuclear submarines.

We're pursuing the wrong technology I agree We need darts We need slingshots And we need balloons of our own Oh we need Yeah Let's go on the offensive

And float them over New Zealand Float them over New Zealand Float them over the area And why can't the chaser Have its own balloon technology Why can't we Float balloons over I don't know

George Pell's funeral Yes See Palmer House in Canberra Best Protected Legislature in the world Well, it's got a balloon defense spike on it. But, no, I like this idea. I imagine if we developed their own balloons,

they'd have some fatal flaw in them, like they wouldn't be able to turn left. Yeah, Collins class. Well, though, Charles, maybe we already have. You know the Skywale, the balloon that's been flying in Canberra that's by an artist, Patricia Pichanini? Oh, yes.

It's got about 10 breasts on it. Yes, yes. Maybe everyone's just been so busy looking at the breast. It's a surveillance. They haven't noticed the surveillance. The surveillance equipment on board the sky. Yes. And we're being surveilled by a concept artist.

Or porn hub. I'm not sure which it is. Yeah. So maybe if we get some more skywows, fight them across China. China would just bomb us back to them. They probably would. The Chaser Report. News you know you can't trust.

Great story, Dom. I'm now going to change tack a little bit, though, because I've got a fairly disturbing story. Oh, okay. Even more scary than balloons in the air. So if you're listening to this and there are little kids about, then you might want to ask the little kids about what's happening because they'll know far more about this story than you do.

Because this whole story was actually brought to my attention by my son Hartley. It starts out very simply, which is I was down at our local super barn the other day. And in the discount fish section, you know how they've got that sort of stuff? section of old fish and stuff they had a special on whole trout whole hot smoke trout oh like six bucks for a whole hot smoke trout that's extraordinary six bucks yeah still down i went down there yesterday it's probably even old it's probably a dollar off it's uh it's it's absolutely cheap at the moment and if you get into coals everywhere hot smoke trout well and just trout is unbelievably cheap at the moment i thought it was kind of a delicacy yes well that's what i thought

what I thought, and you know, I love my trout. You get them on those little crackers. Yes, yes. So do you know why the price of trout has just plumped? And it's not just here. It's all across the globe. The price of trout has, in recent weeks, in the past week and a half, is now, it's just gone through the floor.

Nobody is buying trout. Well, perhaps during COVID, we just got out of the habit of having gourmet fish and there's now, that's what the fishing boats weren't going out. And it's just a huge, lovely abundance of trout in the ocean. and thereby, now that we've got the fishing boats out there again, they're just able to get them again, and there's nothing scary about it at all. It's just lots of yummy trout for everybody, supply and demand.

You could not be more wrong, Dom. Okay, let me think of a negative version. What if global warming were making the sea so hot that the trout were getting smoked just in seawater? Yes. Well, that would be remarkably good, and because presumably we'd also you could have hot smoke salmon

you could have hot smoke squid You wouldn't need to cook anything You put it in the ocean water Hot smoke shark Yeah We'd just roast a chicken But you know Sue V'd just dip it in the ocean

For five minutes And it's ready to go No So the reason is A video which was originally posted to Reddit Uh oh Was and it was a Tasmanian couple And they

Had just caught a trout Yep and then well let me just tell you some of the nicknames that have since come online for to describe this video and the woman in this video um tazzie trout lady is how the best way to search for it using a trout for clout is another way yeah uh or one girl one trout has been another way to see yeah what happened was she got got this trout, this live trout, and she put it up her vagina. Right.

And then the video is of her, like just a face, of her experiencing what it's like to have a trout up your clacker. I think that the message is don't try this at home. Yeah, that's right. If you're listening and thinking, that sounds like a wonderful time for me and trout, no. Well, but the interesting thing is that it has created a global collapse in trout prices. because essentially because I brought home a whole smoked trout and that's when

hardly my son went you didn't buy trout did you just to be clear this is smoked not marinated is that right yeah yeah hang on so this one one video of someone doing one gross thing

has caused to collapse collapse in the global trout market yes well as long as the trout aren't from Tasmania surely we should just enjoy and imagine the poor Imagine the poor trout that are being left alive to enjoy their peaceful, you know, time and not getting killed and smoked.

Yeah, it's because of this woman. It's thoughtlessness. It is. It's sort of actually, in some ways, it's a boon for trout. It's a great news. It's bad news for the one trout. No, but one trout has suffered for the good of the men. Yes, exactly.

Anyway, so the police got involved. They actually arrested, on Sunday, they arrested the trout lady and her male companion. for bestiality offences. And I thought this was interesting. They put out a press release. The police did. The police did. Right.

Saying, look, police are aware of a graphic video circulating involving two people and a fish. Police are investigating and following, this is before they got arrested. Police are investigating and following a specific line of inquiry. Please encourage anyone with the video to delete it immediately. Oh, well, that's good advice. There you go. but the funny thing is so I looked it up on TikTok

obviously you can't actually see it on TikTok because it's a proper social media site that actually has standards moderation but every single person on TikTok are doing a reaction videos for it and that's how Hartley found out about it it's like literally it's the only thing so this woman's actions

are corrupting literally corrupting our youth your child is now aware when your child for years to come Here's the word trout. He'll think of only one thing. Yes, yes. This woman. He will not be buying trout in his lifetime, I would suspect.

But the really fascinating thing is because there's a Tasmanian couple. Underneath the suggested, you know, so you look up TikTok and then it always has like other TikTokers that you would be interested in. It dangles things in front of you on a hook, so to speak. Yes. The first one suggested is visit Tasmania, which is the official tourism. website. So they're cashing in on... It's like with...

Remember when Borat was making all that jokes about Kazakhstan and Kazakhstan was like, no, come and explore the real Kazakhstan. Like go and visit Tasmania where we arrest people who molest fish. That's one of the most positive tourism messages I've ever heard about Tasmania. Yes. You know what though, Charles? This is an amazing opportunity for animal

liberationists. I is. Because they've managed to destroy an entire category of food. And if this were done for every other meat, no one would want anything. Yes. So, because Those animal lib people, they tend to just go nude, don't that? That's their sort of go-to social protests.

I'm not advocating if this happened. Yeah. I'm just saying if some twisted person. Yeah, just decided to destroy the chicken market. Yeah, or destroy the crab market. Ow. The lobster market. Yeah.

Yeah, right. Catch a case of crabs, yeah. Yeah. What else could they destroy? I mean, everything. Yeah. Beef brisket. The penis market

That's true Humanity would die out Cucumber We're definitely the best people imaginable to comment on this story Charles Our gear is from Road We are part of the iconoclast network Catch you tomorrow