The Chaser Report - Barnaby F$%#ing Joyce (literally)

Episode Date: June 21, 2021

CONTENT WARNING: This episode contains mentions of National Party politicians' sex lives. There is also some other stuff that has nothing to do with the National Party, we promise. Though unfortunately it does involves toes and... yeast. Sorry. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report for Tuesday, the 22nd of June. Now, Charles, I don't want to shock you. I know you're not ready for this. What? But Barnaby Joyce defeated Michael McCormack yesterday to become leader of the National Party once more. That was not what I predicted. It was not what you predicted, which, just to refresh everyone's memory, very confidently on yesterday's podcast, you said this.

It's going to be David Little Proud. It's going to be David Little Prout. Yeah, well... What happened? Dom, you've got to understand what the role of a pundit is, right? It's not to be correct. Like, you know, Peter Van Onsillan doesn't go out and go, oh, what am I going to do? I'll say something correct today.

Chris Allman doesn't do that. Michelle Grattan doesn't do that. They don't do that. They've got to come out with some sort of outlandish opinion that grabs the headlines, grabs people's attention. and then it's totally forgotten the next day. No, it isn't. It's going to be David Little Pratt.

Well, that's because you're... No one else has a horrible, you know, co-host. Button that does this. It's going to be David Little Proud. Although, Charles, I must say, you were right in some respect. Oh, yeah. You said that they would dump Michael McCormack because he was fine with the climate change stuff.

Yes. He just came to the wrong conclusion in that you thought it was, going to be David Little Proud Whereas of course The person who's anti-climate change Barnaby Joyce And now he's back Which means that once again

The Nationals will put a total break On any change happening at all Well see You may say that The Real Loser here is the planet But I actually think The Real Loser here is me For not getting the call right

Well that is true But I'm pretty sure The Real Loser here is Michael McCormack And I feel sorry for him I mean He only got a little because he wasn't Barnaby Joyce. He consistently has delivered on not being Barnaby Joyce.

Now they're dumping him for not being Barnaby Joyce. Can you remember one thing that he said? What's your favourite Michael McCormack moment from the last three years, Don? Well, the bit we played in the podcast about feral cats being loose in Peter activists' apartments. That's the one thing. That's his one contribution. And remembering he was Deputy P.M. to Turnbull as. as well.

Was he? He's been there that long. Really? Yeah, which is just entirely unnoticeable. But you know what this means, Charles? This means that Barnaby Joyce is the acting Prime Minister of Australia right now. Everyone out there, lock up your daughters.

Although, I mean, it is strange because Scott Morrison's been in a bit of trouble too. He went on this big controversial trip to the UK to find his roots. Barnaby Joyce could have told him you just go to your office for that. But I'm chin. Coming up on the show. Oh, we're talking more Michael McCormack for some reason. This is a very bad strategy. Yeah.

You know how he said we'd cover the news each day? Yeah. We didn't really plan for the contingency that this was the news. Plus, I've got a new quiz for people who don't know anything about the news. It's called, have you not been paying attention? It's going to be very good. Is it about Michael McCormack? No, it's not about Michael McCormack.

Sold! And, oh yeah, and I'm going to tell you about my trip to the park. Does it feature Michael McCormack? No, actually it doesn't. Sold! But first of all, let's go to Rebecca Day and Muno in the Chaser Newsroom. Acting Prime Minister Barnaby Joyce has celebrated his victory in a leadership spill by asking where all the junior staff members are.

The family's man says he retook the National Party leadership in order to spend more time fathering children. The Australian government has refused to commit to net zero leadership spills by 2050. Prime Minister Scott Morrison said his government refused to commit to unrealistic goals that aren't in the interest of corporate donors. The Japanese government has consulted the Morrison government over the idea of implementing a bonk ban for the Olympics

as part of a COVID-safe strategy for athletes. After consulting the Prime Minister, the Olympics Committee says it will get rid of all prayer rooms in the Olympic Village, as well as make sure desks aren't dressed too provocatively. That's the latest news you can, Trust for The Chaser Report. I'm Rebecca Dayunamuno. This episode of The Chaser Report is brought to you by Amazon Prime Day.

Every order you buy now comes with a free bottle. Our workers have pissed in because the boss wouldn't let them take a bathroom break. Happy Amazon Prime Day. The biggest story in the country today is, of course, the national leadership spill, bringing Barnaby Joyce back to the Prime Ministerhip. Unfortunately, we overcommitted to covering this story on the podcast today. So here for you, a whole bunch of of interesting facts about the National Party presented by me, Charles Lachlan and Gabby. Why don't I lead us off? Did you know that the National Party of Australia wins about 5% of the vote in Australia

and vetoes 100% of the progress in Australia? Did you also know that the National Party's original name was the General National Australia Party, but they dropped the G because they didn't want to be known as typically a quarter of an inch long? Back! Did you know that National Party leader? Barnaby Joyce actually hails from Tamworth, and this is uncommon because most Nats actually hail Satan. BACT!

Did you know the National Party was founded to allow people in non-metropolitan areas of Australia to have sex with staff? As such, it's the most successful party in Australia. Batch! Did you know that the nationals are dedicated to the bush, except when it comes to stopping the thing that keeps making a catch on fire?

Fun fact, Barnaby Joyce's last name is actually indicative of his mood. For instance, when he's content, he goes by Barnaby Joyce, when he's sad, he goes by Barnaby's sad boys. When Channel 7 pay him $150,000 for an interview about his love child, he's Barnaby invoice, and behind closed office doors, he's Barnaby Moist. Oh, come on. Sorry, sorry, everyone. Ow. Yeah, look.

Did you know that one out of 14 leaders of the National Party are actually vital ingredients for making ketchup? Fact! Barnaby Joyce's liver does not believe in setting climate targets for 2050. Because you won't be around thin. Back! Did you know that Barnaby Joyce is both our first Kiwi Deputy PM, but also our first Beatroot Deputy PM? Back!

Turns out Michael McCormack's inaction in federal parliament is actually due to the fact that he didn't realise Australia meant the entire nation. He just thought he had to act within Queensland. So there you go. Back! Did you know that even though they're accused of being in bed with the Liberals, this is completely untrue because the nationals actually prefer to be in bed with their own staffers. Back!

And finally, national party MPs are known as Nats, but when it was called the country party, they were known as something else. We probably won't do this segment again. BACT! This episode of The Chaser Report is brought to you by Amazon Prime Day. Live like Jeff Bezos for a day and save huge amounts of money by cutting corners and exploiting low prices. Amazon Prime Day, proud sponsors of the Chaser Report. And now it's time for...

Have you not been paying attention? Hang on, isn't there a show with a name like that already? Yeah, there's, have you been there paying attention? But the problem with that quiz show is that you've got to know about what's happening during the week. Yeah. Whereas this is a quiz designed for people who haven't been paying attention to the news. Fantastic. Yeah, it's like a quiz show for people who don't pay attention.

It's kind of like wrong answers only. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Nice. Okay, so with us on the panel are Dom, Hello, Gabby, and Lachlan. No. And actually, Lachlan, we'll start with you.

Oh, oh, it's me, okay. Question one. Barnaby Joyce has appeared on which hard-hitting current affairs show? Was it 60 minutes, be Sunday night or C, the project? Which one? I know that he got given $150,000 from Channel 7. If only I watched Channel 7 and knew what channel they had. Are they current affair?

It's Sunday night. Sunday night. Do you want to lock that in? Yeah, okay, lock in Sunday night. No, I'm afraid you're wrong. None of those shows were hard-hitting. Ah, Charles. You got me.

Okay. Oh, I think I'd have a segment. It's got to go out, right? Okay, Gabby. Yeah. Next question. When Barnaby was Federal Water Minister. how many fish died as a result of poor management of the Murray-Darling river system?

Was it 1,800 fish, 1.8 million fish, or 1.8 billion fish? I'm going to go with a solid middle ground here and go at 1.8 million fish. Oh, that's wrong. Sorry, no. They died as a result of the government's excellent management of the system. Okay, next question. Dom. Federal Government's sports-wrought scheme most benefited some of the richest taxpayers in Australia in which suburb?

Was it A, Tourak, B, Mossman, or C, Geelong? Or D, it doesn't matter what I say. You were correct. That is right. Because there are no rich taxpayers in Mossman. There are only tax avoiders. You should have known that, Tom. Yeah.

Okay. Look, they had a go and they got a go and they got another go after that. Okay, Lachlan, just listen to this clip and tell me what was Barnaby Joyce criticised for when he made this comment. The biggest problem we've had with COVID is things such as the Black Lives Matter demonstration. Was it being sexist, being homophobic, or being racist? I've got to go racist. Ah, no, sorry, he wasn't criticised for it. He was celebrated for it.

Oh, that's disappointing. Well, Dom's in the lead. We've only got one last question, so... Yeah, my question is, can we watch how you've been paying attention? We've got one last question. We'll give it to Gabby. Okay. Okay.

I'm ready. Gabby. Stakes are high. In 2017, Barnaby Joyce approved a deal that to a company set up by Energy Minister Angus Taylor received $80 million and booked a 52 million profit, which was then transferred to its parent company in the Cayman Islands. Bearing all that in mind, how many staffers has Barnaby Joyce impregnated?

A trick question. One per week, on average, I would say. So taking a quick-up for the chintment. I'm going to guess like 20. I'm going to give it to you. Congratulations. Thank you. You win the quiz.

I'm really good at being wildly inaccurate. It's why I work here. It's like I was watching the press conference today when Michael McCormack was talking about how proud he is of his three kids, I was like, yeah, it's because he's really happy he had sex three times. Good on him. Michael McCormack, you will always be remembered. As the worst nationals leader except for Barnaby Joyce.

In many ways, Michael McCormack didn't so much win the leadership. It's just that there was no one else around. In fact, they even asked the cleaner whether she'd do it. But unfortunately, one night she bumped into Barnaby Joyce in the prayer room and he had to go on maternity leave. Initially, people judged McCormack against standards set by Joyce. It was very lucky.

I mean, it's basically impossible to be seen as worse than Barnaby Joyce. But if anyone was even going to come close, McCormack was the man to do it. He was a true iconoclast, always striving for more. He was a homophobe, he hated inner city types. He definitely wants to destroy the planet.

And yet, despite all these things, He never once said anything even vaguely memorable. Michael McCormack, you may never be remembered, but you will always be forgotten. This episode of The Chaser Report is brought to you by Amazon Prime Day. The savings are criminal, almost criminal enough for you to boycott. But ooh, look at that air friar for only 3999. Ah, what the hell? Amazon Prime Day. Charles, we name.

A segment that is not about Barnaby Joyce knocking up staffers. What have you got? Why don't I tell you about my trip to the park yesterday? Oh, here we go. Are you absolutely sure? No one falls pregnant during the course of this tale. I can assure you, but there is some toe-sucking, though. Ew!

I don't want to be here for this. Anyway, so I took my kids to the park yesterday. It's a park that we like to call Bindy Eye Park. Do you know why it's called Bindy-Ey-I-Park? Let me guess. The Irwin's frequent. Yeah, Australia's most lovable female wildlife entertainer at works there. It's called Bindy Eye Park because there's lots of bindi eyes.

And lo and behold, my kids took off their shoes and one of them got a bindi eye in their toe. Are you trying to teach them about, like, foreshadowing things and then that thing happening inevitably? Is that the point of the lesson? Well, I think the point is that it's actually quite a, because it was quite muddy. And so it was quite fun to take off your shoes and squelch down. But we just, we sort of forgot that it was also the bindio. Despite the name of the bar. All right.

I mean, look, it's a good question. I would have only been 99% sure that when it was muddy, the bindi eyes would still hurt. It's like being in hell and going, God, this is hot. Charles, do you want to go for a drink after this? Glass in the face pub? Anyway, I tried everything to get it out. And he was quite distressed, right?

And so I'm sitting there in the park, you know, trying to use my nails. and that didn't work. So I ended up trying to suck on his toe. No, that sounds like a crime. This is a crime. You've committed a crime in public. To get the thing out.

You're one of those guys, aren't you? No, no. One in five. Wait, can I just ask? What is it with men and not carrying tweezers everywhere you go? Because, like, shit like this happens all the time. You get a splinter, you have to pluck a hair. Carry tweezers.

They're like $2. Go to the resort shop. Get to tweezers. Gabby, everyone knows you don't have to do that. You just suck on the thing. Anyway, the point is, it didn't work. Wow, shock up. But then this dad came over to me.

He'd seen what I was doing. And he said, hi, I work with the Department of Community Services. Your children are coming with me. No, he said, just put Vegemite on it. No. And he said, just put Vegemite on it. And then suck it again. Make it more delicious a second.

No. No, he said, if you put Vegemite on it, the Bindy Eye just comes out overnight. Surely that works with any kind of substance, though? Like, not just Vegemite. No, because no, Vegemine is so repellent that even an inanimate Bindy eye will try and escape. from it. No, so I looked at it. So we did it. We put on the Vigemite, put a band-aid over it. Lo and behold, the next morning all came out, like the Bindio magically came out. And I looked it up

to find out why this works so well. And what it is, apparently, is that the yeast grows inside the wound, gets in the wound, and pushes it out. No, I can't do it. With the only small side effect being the yeast infection in your child's foot. So now, you know, we've got the Bindiote. go out, but we do have to chop off his foot. You might not need to cut off his foot. You could just put peanut butter, and that'll get rid of the yeast infection. I don't think any of you have had a yeast infection before.

There are so many examples in the history of this podcast of you trying to look after your children absolutely and abjectly failing, Charles. Are you trying to tell us something? I can't wait for an episode of this podcast in like, I don't know, 10 or so years where Charles is talking about the court case in which his kids disown him. No, this is all going into emancipation case. Great. You're a great dad, Charles. They love it.

Yeah. And now you keep an extra jar of vegamite in the pantry, just in case. The Chaser Report, news a few days after it happens. That's just about all we have time for on today's Chaser Report. There's just time to do this one more time. It's going to be David Little Proud. See, David Little Proud. Do you think he's going to be the next lady?

Do you want to call it now? Well, I'm just saying he, he, He maintained his deputy leadership role, which is almost as good being the... And actually, that's what I was referring to. Yeah, right. I was, you know, proudly talking about the deputy national... Oh, it's my mistake. So when you said...

It's going to be David Little Pratt. You just meant in the deputy role, the one that everyone talks about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, of course it was always going to be Barnaby. We're back tomorrow with this level of quality political analysis. Don't leave it to five-star review. did not deserve. No, do leave us a five-star review.

Just leave a note saying it's definitely going to be David Littleproud next time. In your five-star review on Apple Podcasts, that will help us out enormously. If you want to do that, you can also find more news at chaser.com. You follow us on all the socials. Our gears from road microphones are part of the Acast, Creator Network. See ya. It's going to be David Little Proud.