The Chaser Report - Begin The Pork Carrolling

Episode Date: July 28, 2026

Jacinta Allan has resigned as Victorian Dictator and in her place is Ben "Clean Skin" Carroll. So what does the 50th leader of Australia's most communist state have as his plan to leave a legacy? Dom and Charles have all the best and cleanest ideas, so hope you're listening, Benny. ---Listen AD FREE: https://thechaserreport.supercast.com/ Follow us on Instagram: @chaserwarSpam Dom's socials: @dom_knightSend Charles voicemails: @charlesfirthEmail us: [e-mail] CEO’s Super-yacht upgrade Fund: https://chaser.com.au/support/ Send complaints to: [e-mail] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gatigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report with Dom and Charles. Well, look, I assume the Victorian Labor Caucus were listening to yesterday's podcast. There is a new Premier of Victoria. Ben Carroll is in. Jacinta Allen is out. And the great news, Charles, that I know will make you happy is a long-time Labor insider-critic.

is that at the end of the caucus meeting, Labor MPs have claimed that they're united. Yes, this is after a spectacular morning. You've got to say, it was fireworks because what happened was, Jacinda Allen, who yesterday had said, there is no way I'm resigning, it's going to go on for weeks. She was going to go to the public. So there was going to be a whole draw,

and this is a strategy that I've never seen used in a spill. She was going to follow the rule that you've got to have a full, rank and file vote of all the members, which would have taken six weeks, as in much of the time between now and the election. And the thing is, the reason why that might have actually worked as a strategy is that although the Labor caucus is now tilting in favour of the Labour right, the general population in fucking Melbourne are completely, they're just basically communists, aren't they? So you could see a scenario happening where go to the people and suddenly they go,

Look, we don't want Jacinda Allen or all Ben Carroll. We want Chairman Mao back. Are they communists or are people you think communists are soft and insufficiently centrist? Actually, maybe, maybe that's true. Maybe they want to go really far left, like Memdami. Oh, my goodness. Don't say that word. Don't say that word.

Ed Hughesick. Ed Hughesick. Yeah, I know. Goodness. As Victorian Premier. Wouldn't that be a turn-up for the books? Do you think we're going to now not be able to do anything now that we've mentioned indeed Hughesick's name.

I think we've been cancelled. Yeah. So Ben Carroll. Who's Ben Carroll again? I mean, he seems like if you were going to do a kind of youngish, kind of pretty much our age, Labor dude. Yeah. He'd be, you know, oh, there's an article here.

The ABC's just published, very helpfully, who is Ben Carroll? Oh, yeah. He's path from checkout worker to Victoria's 50th Premier. I must say, I'm glad he knows how to work a checkouts. It's good to have something to fall back on when you're in politics, isn't it? Well, exactly. It'd be done to any time. And look, just, if I've learned anything from my economics,

it's that he shouldn't be calling himself a former checkout worker. He should be saying that he managed daily financial transactions for an A6200 company. Of course you're fast at that, aren't you? Yeah. Also, he's from Airport West, too, which I don't know Melbourne, I know inner Melbourne, but I'm gathering Airport West is the place that's west of the airport. Imaginatively named, it's Darrell Kerrigan's home, apparently, from the castle. Right.

Are we, oh, that's where he lives, is it? That's where he's from. Oh, yeah. Okay. Apparently, his parents established a proud family business under the Essendon Airport flight path. How about that? Do you think he'll have problems listening to the public because he's hearing his damage from all the aircraft noise? Quite possibly.

And so what's he going to say about it? He's got three and a half months. Well, and presumably actually caretaker mode will kick in about two and a half months, won't it? Because the election has already in four months. Isn't that his job, caretaker? Right. But what's he going to do? What's it going to be his legacy?

I mean, he's got a couple of months. What can you get done? What major sort of achievement can you get done? Well, that's a great question because, I mean, the polls say he'll probably lose the election. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Unless you think Victorians are just looking for another white Labor dude from central casting. Well, no, but this is the thing. This is why it gets interesting.

So they had the polls, we talked about the polls yesterday, but they had them on the news last night, the sort of poll of polls averaging. And you're going, you know, one nation is now at a point where you've got to expect, even if they underperform like they did in the South Australian election, where they actually won 23% of the vote that only got about five seeds. Right. You know, they're polling, what, about 30%. Even if that comes down to say 25% on election day, they're going to end up with a handful of seats. And neither the Liberal Party nor Labor Party, I think,

think you're going to get across the line because there'll be lots of independence and greens running around as well, you'll get to the point where there will need to, it'll be a hung parliament. Like, surely it'll be a hung parliament. Like, unless, I suppose everyone falls behind the Lib and it's a, it's a routing. But that doesn't feel like what's happening. Like, the Libs have been in such turmoil for so long that it feels like that, you know, there is a sort of hung parliament scenario, which means that Ben Carroll might end up just, like, if, if the, Some libs can't hold their nose and join with one nation, how else are they going to do it? Well, let's hear from Ben Carroll himself, Charles, because excitingly he's put together

in Instagram video outlining his what he calls a new direction, which I have to say every time I hear the phrase new direction, I remember, I think it was Lawrence Loon, who pointed out that sounds much the same as nude erection. Oh, nice. And look, who knows if that's what's my... Well, that would appeal to many Melbourneians, I know. Sure. Most of them, actually.

Why not? Here's what he said. I am honoured and humbled to have been elected unanimously by my colleagues to serve as the new Premier of Victoria. Yesterday, they asked me to put my hand up to lead our party. And I agreed. This was not an easy decision. but the stakes at this election are too high.

Polling says Victoria is on track for Australia's first Liberal One Nation government. A Liberal One Nation government that will cut schools, health and frontline services. Only Labor can stop the risk of a Liberal One Nation government that will hurt working people. But it is clear that on key issues that matter to Victoria,

our government needs to go in a new direction on integrity, on community safety and on the economy. As Premier, I will deliver that new direction. Does that tell you anything more about what he's actually going to do? Integrity is an interesting word though, given all that's happened in the big build. You know, he's not been involved in the government. He's just been deputy premier. He's a clean skin. Clean skin, Carol.

They call him, I've heard. And maybe the thing to do, if he wants to. So let him admit, he's long-running Labor stock, who also happens to have nothing to do with the Labor Party in its current form and is a complete clean skin. That's the messaging that they should take to the next week. He was the education minister before becoming Premier. He was also a minister for medical research, minister for WorkSafe and the TAC. So wipe off five. Certainly wiped off Sandra Allen, didn't he?

Yeah, nice. I like that. Well done. Local reference. Hello. Hello, Melbourne. Yes, I mean, maybe the thing. We really did come up with some policy because I reckon he'll be searching around this afternoon

going, fuck, what are we going to do? And his staff are looking, they're going to be spitballing all night. I mean, there's an obvious, isn't there an obvious path to popularity in the next election, which is to, for him to do about Barnaby Joyce and join One Nation? Don't you think that? I like that. That would be a bombshell, wouldn't it? Yes.

So it's a sort of Labor One Nation. Imagine how pissed off the Libs would be if suddenly it's a, Labor One Nation axis, cut out the lips again. Because I was thinking just, you promise, more stadiums. Because what have Victorians like? Oh, yes. There's not no stadiums. That's true.

And if you look at his Instagram video, the main thing in the background is a footy jersey, blue and white stripes. I don't know what that's for. That's some team. Kangaroos. And obviously, you just go more, like a stadium at the corner of every street. Or is the Western Bulldogs, maybe. supports. Yeah. Yeah, another stadium. And they've got a Marvel stadium, so they really need a DC

stadium. And look, one of the most popular things Labor has done in the last year down in Victoria is 50 cent tram fares, right? Well, I think they had free transit fares for a little while, but it's now 50 cents, right? In the inner city it was, yeah. Are you talking about, are you talking about 50 cents in Queensland or do they have that done a big room to? Oh, no, no, maybe they had free. No, no, that's right, it was free, but I think they got rid of that. But what I'm thinking is, but that's a good labor policy. is pro-public transport and everything like that. What if you go better than, say, what they've done in Queensland, you pay people to catch the trams.

So I'm thinking like, you get, that's a good policy. You pay them 50 cents? You get 50 cents per tram ride. You tap on and you're actually tapping on to more money. See what I mean? That's innovative. I don't think anyone's done that. I like that a lot.

It would save the cost of living crisis, wouldn't it? I mean, in many ways, though, Charles, isn't paying the wrong people in connection with public transport, how Labor got into this mess to begin with. Well, in fairness, I don't think it was public transport, wasn't it wasn't it more to do with a whole lot of skyscrapers and building? Or was that also? We really should have got Sammy Sharron for this one to talk us through.

What's going on? We might talk to him. It was part, it was the big build was the problem. That's right. It was a $100 billion infrastructure project. Yeah. And the investigations revealed that motorcycle gangs and organized crime managed basically to get to cash fire the CFMEU.

there were ghost shifts that were never worked. Yes. Extortion. This is all just an AI summary I'm reading out because I don't know enough about it. Payments siphoned to underworld figures. But isn't there? On the bright side, you know what he can promise? What? He can promise a new series of Underbelly.

Yes, that's right. Going back to Melbourne, inner city, organised crime where the Underbelly franchise began, that's a big contribution, isn't it? It's basically... It's basically... The next 10 years of Australian drama basically sort of, like utopia. Get a season or two out of it. Yes.

Hard quiz. Because there's been a big debate about whether there's going to be a Royal Commission. I think Tom Gleason. Four Corners. An amazing job. Do a whole season on Four Corners. I mean, I've seen a lot of social media posts in the past couple of days with Melbourneians complaining about how a lot of TV productions are located in Sydney, which is true. Yes.

But this is a boost. This is a mini boost for the Melbourne TV economy, all this stuff. No, no, no. They'll be made in Sydney, surely. Oh, yes. You should film that. Yeah, that's probably. Because then you get the nice harbour views of Melbourne.

You can all be set on the harbush. Well, those podcasts made in Sydney. That said, if any other state wants to make a bid to host the Chaser report and put together an attractive financial package. Yes. We should have got a podcast studio built as part of Melbourne Metro. A big build. Metro Tunnel project. I would have moved to Melbourne for podcasting purposes.

It would be great. Yeah, I would have said that I was moving to Melbourne for podcasting purposes. That's right. What a good idea. The Chaser Report News you can't trust All right No so what other policies

Just finally could he do I think Melbourne needs more festivals Yes A festival on every street corner Perhaps a festival of festivals And look I think Because you have the comedy festival You've got the Writers Festival

You've got the fringe There's a apes that goes on And you've got the flowers You know the flowers Oh yeah The Florriot They've got a big flower festival Floriard

Are you talking about Canberra They can steal Floriard There's one in No, there's one in Melbourne each year sort of, I think it's sort of during the Melbourne Comedy Festival. It's often clashes around that time. Well, you would know. You know what they could, you know what you could actually do in Melbourne? It'd be very exciting.

I'd go down for it. It's a festival of corruption. I think if you had, you know, if everyone who attended the festival had the chance to get sweet paola. Yes. For unworked shifts and things like that. I think that could be massively popular. Yes. And instead of show bags, they'd be brown bags.

Brown paper bags, yeah. Yes. And then, like, at the entrance, you'd have bikies who just take 15% of everything you've got on the way in. And on the way out. And on the way out. At the airport. You'd basically have them stationed at the airports at the arrival gates, wouldn't you?

See, because that's the other thing is, like, you know, everyone's going, oh, it's so bad that Labor's got a whole lot of relationships with bikes. bikey gangs. Maybe they should just lean into that. That's their brand. And you go, well, on election day, get the bikey gangs to hang out the front of every polling station. Yes. I reckon people, people won't necessarily vote the wrong way, if you see what I mean. But also, Charles, the great thing about the way this business model works is that you don't, you pay them to be there and they're not actually there. So this is this mistake you're making. You're not going to turn up. No, but like, I'm just saying you do a deal where it's like,

Like, we need your vote or you won't have any knees. You know what I mean? Like, just sort of. It's pretty good. You know what else you could do, Charles? One of the big debates in Melbourne is obviously the airport link. Are they going to build a train line? The Skybus has been there.

I think you cancel the Sky Bus. Yeah. And all you do is you just get everyone who wants to come from the city to the airport. You go on the back of a motorbike. On the back of a motorbike. Yes. Yeah. It'd be much faster.

And it'd be just a thousand dollars. I winned in your hair. $1,000 a ride. $1,000 per trip. That's right. Yeah. Or else. I think that's, yeah.

You know, you know what I would say, Dom, is I've always thought the train link is such a stupid idea. And I don't know why everyone keeps on going on about it. What they need from Melbourne, because it's quite a long way out, right, what they actually needs to get into the city is in a field, Tullamarine. Is they need a plane service to go from Melbourne Airboard into the Melbourne seat. Short flight. Yes. Very good.

And this is the sign of an efficient government, isn't it, Charles, that an efficient, truly efficient government in Victoria would make the corruption run on time. Yes, you're right. That's what you want. That's right. You promise that the corruption will run on time corruption. Yes. I think that they've just got to lean into the whole, that's their buy.

That's what they're known for. Yes. And why isn't it on the number plate? So it's the smart state, the corrupt state. The corrupt state. The corrupt state. On the normal plate would be. Yeah.

That's exciting. The brown band. egg state. The state of... I mean, honestly, can you imagine how upset Queensland would be? I know.

They've lost their mantle. And we've even got in Sydney, the Chachac Wing building at ETS. I mean, that even looks like a brown paper bag. There's a lot of options. All right. Well, I think we've given Carol a whole bunch of policies there. A new direction or the other thing.

Yep. Focusing on the economy and integrity. I do note, Charles, that in his tenure as education minister, in the past, this year, in fact, There were huge protests. There was a strike. People were very unhappy in the education sector with Ben Carroll. A lot of the teachers went out on strike.

Yes. One of the biggest strikes in many years. Well, they continue to strike. They seem to strike every month or so now. So I think this could be very exciting. It could also be the striking state. Yes. Well, it could just be the...

Like, I think all this. But also, if you want to stop strikes, bring in the bikeies. Oh, being in the strike breakers. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And with the promise that your kids will be able to go to school, sure, their teacher will also deal them ice.

Yeah. Yeah, their teacher will have a beard and bandana and a lot of tats and a criminal record. But it's life, it's a life. It's a school of life. Yes. Okay. And AI, that'll never be replaced by AI. No, because if the AI tries, it'll get bashed with baseball bats.

Boy. Well, there you go. I think we've displayed our deep passion for Victoria. I love Victoria. I want the best of Victoria, Charles. Okay, well, that makes one of them. Yeah, because I like the comedy festival. Oh, okay, yeah, fair enough.

Oh, the comedy festival. That's ripe with corruption. Brown paper bags. Oh, I can't wait to get started on that. We are part of the Iconiclass Network. Get you tomorrow.