The Chaser Report - Behind The Stunt: Arms Dealer's Conference

Episode Date: August 6, 2021

In this special Saturday episode of The Chaser Report, we go behind the scenes with Aleksa Vulovic as he describes carrying out his latest Chaser stunt, successfully getting into a major arms dealer conference called Land Forces, which was held in Brisbane earlier this year.Their website says "Although protesters attempted to interrupt the event, they failed to prevent it from going ahead as planned and from being an important platform in advancing Australia’s industrial and defence capability" – but they don't mention that one satirist managed to sneak his way in... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to a special Saturday edition of the Chaser Report on Saturday the 7th of August. And all that's happening in this episode is that Charles and I are talking to Alex, a part of our team, about his visit to the Land Forces Arm Steelers Conference, which I think was up in Queensland. It was an amazing thing. He managed to get in. So if you've ever been wondering how to infiltrate a conference full of advanced weapons, Alex is going to talk us through it. And Gabby, you watched him putting this together.

Yeah, I will say it was very entertaining watching him try to source a bunch of arms. And by arms, you mean actual mannequins, arms, not guns. Yeah, like plastic dolls arms, mannequins, arms. He was all over everything. Facebook Marketplace, Amazon, it was hilarious. So if you are either interested in procuring high-end weapons or plastic arms to tape or a visual joke, this is the chat for you. It was a very funny pun.

Have a great weekend. The Chaser Report. Less news more often. Hi, Alexa. Hi there. So what kind of people would go to this event normally? Just your average run-of-the-mill arms dealers, you know, just multi-million dollar high net worth individuals who sell weapons.

Is that true, though? Like, how many arms dealers would there be in Australia? Surprisingly a lot. I don't know. Like, I had no idea what I would have. I was looking at in there. There would have been thousands of people. And presumably they worked for companies that dealt arms. Is that, what is the sort of middle management of arms? Oh, yeah. I'm sure that there's all sorts of boring desk jobs with

arms deals. Like, they look like normal people, but yeah, they dealt arms. But yeah, I wanted to get into this. I wanted to see how the deals were made. Like, these people are there to network and to sell weapons. I think the main issue was trying to get in, right? I'm obviously not an arm's dealer so yeah you don't look i mean there's you'll see the gun look at the video but alex it doesn't look like a kind of middle-aged plutocrat who smokes cigars and you know you're not exactly tony stark i got to say well i i did try my best but uh but yeah i'm not sure i pulled it off i mean i look for heaps of ways that i could sneak in where i wouldn't have to pose as an arm's dealer because obviously i don't i don't look much like one and i found this awesome coincidence

i was stalking facebook and there was an ad for for promo workers so people who would be at the conference handing out lanyards, which was beautiful. I'd have my hands on the lanyards. I could just take them and sneak in with that. And also on the plus side, the job was offering $33 an hour, which is miles ahead of what I get here. So I was thinking like, even if it doesn't work out, I could just continue win that job. Yeah, that's like a 500% pay increase. That's fantastic. It's beautiful. But unfortunately, I sent through my resume and I wasn't qualified enough for that. They shut me down. So it was back to square one. I essentially had to just show up and try to wing it, just try to walk in.

And so how did you do it? Well, I mean, there are a lot of issues on the way. I think I just tried to look like an arms dealer, essentially. So I put on my suit, which I hadn't worn in a decade. This was my Year 12 formal suit. So I look like an absolute idiot. It was like really tight and small. So essentially, we showed up a day late, which was a kind of sign of how an

organized I was with this whole thing. But it ended up being super lucky that I was that unorganized Because on the first night of the conference when I arrived If you log onto Twitter and search Land Forces Which is the name of the conference You've just got all these happy smiling arms dealers Posting photos of them with their lanyards on inside the conference So I just zoom in on that

See what the lanyard looked like and be like, okay I can maybe copy this a little bit So got on Photoshop Change the name from Land Forces to fake passes and I also needed a QR code, which was a bit of an issue. So I just got the Chaser website, put that as a QR code on the lanyard. It was a bit stupid because I knew it wouldn't. Because we had a phone conversation.

You rang me from Brisbane. Yeah. Do you think I should just directly copy the lanyard? And I was thinking, I think that's fraud. Like, I think that's just deeply illegal. Yeah. But it was like the QR code led to the Chaser website. Yeah, it was just chaser.com.com.

That's great. So what happened when they scanned it? Well, that's the crazy thing. They just scanned it. I was terrified when they did, and it just, it beeped. And the person didn't even look at their lanyard. To be fair, I get the feeling that they were a little bit scared of me, if that's a reasonable thing to say. Because they thought you're an arms dealer.

Yeah, exactly. I blow the month if they didn't let me in. But I mean, like, I'm just a rich dude, you know, like they don't want to cause a fuss. And they're only being paid $33 an hour to do this job. Exactly, exactly. Because I would think that if you have a room full of, you know, sample weapons and bazookas lying around, you wouldn't want to have thorough security, would you? Absolutely not.

But it was so bizarre, because even after the lanyards, like, I made it that far, but there was still all the security to go through, and we went through, like, the security scanners. And at that point, you know, I assumed that was, that was it. Because I was literally wearing a wire, like, I had a microphone strapped to my chest and like all these like audio gear this like Zoom recorder in my bag you guys know what a Zoom recorder looks like

it's I think it kind of looks inherently dodgy it looks a bit like a like a taser or an IED trigger it was I don't know that all sorts of weird stuff you weren't meant to have but it just it just went through the scanner I think what got me through now I don't have a lot of experience sneaking into places

but I did watch Catch Me If You Can one time so that movie about Leonhard DiCaprio being a con man And that paid off amazingly. One of the, one of the big tips in the movie is to always carry a coffee. Apparently makes you look legit and laid back at the same time. A coffee? Yeah, yeah. Wow. And so you were carrying coffee with?

I was carrying coffee with me. And as soon as I got to security standards, the security guard, looks at the coffee cup and he was like, oh, you know, like we actually banned these yesterday because protesters were bringing in, like, paint and chemicals in there. And, like, I kind of tried to muster up the most love. like basic corporate joke I was like oh banning coffees in the morning it's a really cruel security measure and they all kind of had a little giggle and just you know didn't pay attention to the screens we had a little stupid coffee conversation and that that pulled me through like

it was it was nut I mean Leonardo DiCaprio he got it got me in there it's particularly funny when they're kind of going oh yesterday yesterday they're all these people trying to infiltrate the conference not like you coffee boy not like me It's, it's a, I don't know, it's a real, it's a real ticket. It's, you can get in anywhere with that. But hang on, the key question is, did they ban you from taking the coffee cup in? No, no, I got it in. They kind of just let me know that other people aren't allowed to.

Yeah, yeah, look at, people will think you're an infiltrator or something. That's great. But yeah, that was it. I was in, you know, as soon as I walked through those doors, I was face to face with this, you know, fully autonomous tank with this eight meter long howitzer on the top it was pretty i don't know confronting and i was i was there ready to network ready to chat people about you know what weapons they want to buy from me and what i want to buy from them and and so what where did you go for like how did you attack the conference what was the well the way it started i was i was

initially attacked right like as soon as soon as i got in there was this like spectacle of these two guys and these crazy like exoskeletal like future robot suits and they were just wailing on each other and they were throwing each other around the conference floor and they like they flew in front of me and all these people in suits just clapping and cheering for these for these two guys who are fighting each other and so I was just like okay well obviously I'm going to chat to these people that looks amazing wow and I had a terrifying conversation with this man so I was talking about his suit he was kind of spruking how cool it was and I mean it's it's all black it's like a robot suit and the head kind of looks like Darth Vader so I kind of mentioned that to him like oh

you know, you look a bit like Darth Vader in this thing. Does that, does I not make you feel like the bad guy? And, and he said, yeah, it does, but, but it's a good thing. I was like, what the fuck? Where is this going? He's just, he's like, yeah, you know, like, I put the mask on and I'm just, I'm no longer me, you know, it's completely dehumanized, detached. I can do whatever I want, and I'm not responsible for that. And then when I take the mask off, I'm just, I'm me again, you know? And like, it was such a, such a weird thing to hear, because at one hand, it was really scary. but then it's also like you get an insight into maybe how these people talk when they think you're one of them you know like yes yes you've got a lot of people

kind of defending military technology being like oh you know it's it's for security it's for this and then when you talk to the actual people who make it and use it it's like no it's great because I get to be a fucking monster and it was bizarre what was some of the stuff that was on sale oh they had everything that's I mean to be honest like as much as I talk about how how terrifying it is it's also inherently cool like they had all sorts of robots like it was all future technologies that these like robot dogs robot missiles like autonomous i don't know submarines i had it was wild like it was very very exciting so why didn't you buy some sort of you know laser powered attack robot dog i mean i totally would if i if i had

the money but like i how much because i saw the robot dog in your video yeah how much did that cost yeah they they they wouldn't tell me i don't know if i if i didn't fit in enough um i i try my best to buy one. I even tried to take one with me. I had Charles's iPad with me and I thought if I get it to play fetch with like with an iPad, maybe that would get it on my side. But no, I just, I had no luck with those dogs. Well, they like the Boston Dynamics. Exactly. Exactly that one was there. Oh my God. Yeah, like it is cool. Like it's a cool place to be. So are you saying that you're deciding to give up comedy and go into arms dealing? Well, look, I mean, I think it is the right path to me. It's very exciting. And it, you know,

it makes me feel great being an arms dealer. But I'm just not a very good one. You know, like I tried. I pitched all these weapons that day. So I went up to, you know, the biggest arms manufacturers in the world. And like Lockheed Martin, and I'd pitch a missile that goes up into space, that essentially because there aren't any war crimes in space, this missile goes so high into space that by the time it comes back down, the Geneva Convention doesn't apply. So you can, you know, you can use this missile to bypass that. they didn't want to buy it right so like I feel like no matter how good your idea is like you need something else I'm just not cut out well they probably already bought it from Jeff Bezos that's true I guess yeah I guess he's wouldn't have gone high enough hey we've got to pay the bills more with

Alexa in just a moment and we're back with more Chase the report like did you think you're going to be chucked out at that point did they did they know that you were joking a bit like Or did they take you seriously and go, oh, yeah, that sounds like a good idea to avoid the genetic convention. It got, I got more and more relaxed as it went on. So at the start, I was like, oh, crap, I'm going to get kicked out immediately. Like, obviously I'm not meant to be here. And then the more jokes I made, the more I notice, this is what these people do. Like, they joke about this shit anyway.

Like, they're making war crimes jokes as well. So I'm, I don't think they picked that I was an imposter. Like, this is just how to walk at the arms convention. Wow. Yeah. Wow. It was quite a bizarre experience, but I think at the end I had a bit of an epiphany. Because I went, I went to the bathroom, right, to change the batteries and, you know, pull out all the wires and wear headphones and calibrate stuff.

I was in the bathroom for like 20 minutes sitting on the toilet doing this stuff. And it got me thinking a bit about terrorism. You know, I was so confused. You've got all these, like, the recent terrorist attacks that have happened are kind of disappointing, unambitious. You know, they blow themselves up in public transport, kill a bunch of innocent people, which obviously makes them look like dickheads. but also it just makes them look really lazy, right? Like, I was in this place with all of Australia's biggest defence manufacturers. And, you know, Peter Dutton was meant to be there, right?

And I got into this conference, snuck in all this electronics. And I looked like an idiot. You know, I was in a year 12 formal suit. And like, how come I got in? Like, you know, what are these terrorists doing? You know, they call themselves terrorists, but they're just a bunch of losers, really. This is the thing that we found doing all these chases stunts year after year. I mean, the first time we tried it was at a by-election in Aston, remember Charles?

And John Howard was due to come And there were a huge amount of protesters outside I actually went up to one of them on that day And said, hey, we're filming a thing We just walked in there in suits If you put on a suit, you can just go anywhere No one's going to stop you And the guy's like, the Greens protest is like,

I'm not wearing a suit So we got in and disrupted the event And they didn't So it's, it meant And I remember because it was the first thing we ever did We'd all dressed up in probably our year 12 suits Yeah It really was there

And we went in and John Howard was half an hour late And so the lectern was completely open And we hadn't really prepped anything for it But we said to Julian, Julian go down and just get up there Do a warm up, say something, do a bit of a warm up for the crowd And he had them there for about five minutes Because he looked so real, because he had a suit on Yeah

He just went, oh look John Howard's running a bit late It's all right, I'll just get you to say GST, GST, you know, And I then did the exact same thing at a victory party at the Wentworth Hotel a few years later and got up and did exactly the same joke with them all going, one more year, one more year, before I got kicked out. So what this means is that the premise of the movie Men in Black is actually true. Oh, yeah.

In a black suit you can just get in anywhere. So where will we send him next, Charles? Yeah, well, I think it needs to be somewhere with a bit more jeopardy. a little bit more dangerous. Somewhere where, you know, your safety is completely not assured in any way. So I was thinking maybe South West Sydney. I was thinking maybe, I don't know, he's got to pretend to be a desk in Parliament House. Oh, that's, there'd be danger pay for that job.

You'd have to wear a hazmat suit, I think, not a business suit. The other thing is, Charles, we should clearly be developing a range of arms that we can sell, like some sort of weaponry that we can, Alex, he knows these guys. If we just sell some sort of, I don't know, robot death machine, just get Candy Whip something up. Alex can sell it for us. We'll make a fortune. I've already done the work networking. Like I went in there on my loan unit said, it said, Chaser Systems.

So we've already got the name out there. It's already there. The only issue is what we actually did kept changing throughout the day. Everyone would be like, oh, what do you do? And at first I'd be like, oh, you know, I do supply logistics, I do materials. Then I settled on, I'm a consultant. Start a time people are as a consultant. That was the perfect word.

That comes everything. I've been a consultant before. Everyone goes, oh, you must be meant to be here. Like the consultants are the people who really come and do the job that everyone's being paid. That's brilliant. Could you be a consultant? Could you please be a consultant and do Charles's job?

Way ahead of you. If you want to see Alex's Adventures at the Land Forces Conference and all the things you got up to, just go to the Chaser YouTube page or indeed Facebook and just look for the Land Forces video. Thanks, Alexa. The Chaser Report, news you can't trust. So there you go, regular episode back on Monday morning. As always, our gears from road microphones and part of the ACAST creator network. Thanks for joining us for this special episode.

See ya. See ya.