The Chaser Report - BEST OF: Broken dicks and Olympics

Episode Date: December 19, 2021

To kick off our Chaser Report: Best Of series we're starting with an office favourite: the story of Aleksa's broken penis. Following that we travel back to the Olympics with Zander, and Gabbi recounts a horrifying driving incident. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to our best-of edition of The Chaser Report. It's Monday the 20th of December. I dobed an item definitely here. I haven't gone on holidays nor have you, Charles Firth. No. And Alex of Olivich, you're definitely not on holidays. Contractually obliged to stay in the office 24-7.

However, what we've decided to do, we've looked at today's news, and we've decided instead to throw out of some of our favourite moments of the podcast from this year. But I'll tell you what, today's news. What news? Pretty amazing. Those numbers, how about them? Oh, they're so high. So speaking of numbers, we took a vote, Alexi, amongst the team, the interns, the oldies, and so on.

To find everyone's favorite moments of the podcast in 2021 and top of the list, the number one position. Can you guess what it is, Charles? I don't want to. Was it, surely it will be, oh, I don't know. It's the comedic highlight of 2021 on this podcast. the best moment of all. Let's just start with it. How Alexa broke his penis.

Oh, yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's on today's show. I regret recording that. I was trying to forget about it, and now it's just repeated on me every day. It's a model. It's a tale of one man and his penis

and then sort of half his penis and then his penis again. Also, we have Xander catching COVID at the Olympics. Zanda did a great job of being our Tokyo correspondent this year. It was really worth investing in those flights. And sound effects, yeah. Plus, I think, look, One of the highlights of the year has been Gabby Bolt.

She's added so much to the podcast. She's been doing her first ever live show, which is why she hasn't been around as much recently. But the moment where she described aqua-planning her car on Bathurst Road, I mean, don't drive in the Central West if you know, Gabby's there. I think it's very other, or any locals. In fact, we can't go there in cars. We have to go there next year.

She got into a bit of trouble for the road that you're about to hear. So that's today on the show. So Alex's penis, Zand is COVID and Gabby Ackleplanes. It's coming up right after this. There's a story that's been doing the rounds in the office, Charles. And I'm sure you know the one that I mean, the one about Alexa. It's been whispered about. It's been talked about.

And I think it's time we found out the details and shared them with our listeners. Alexa, get in here. Hello, hello. Thanks for having me. No, no, thank you. So yeah, this is a story about my story. penis, flatly. I was really hoping to tuck it away until it became politically relevant, but unfortunately that hasn't happened yet. So I guess now is a good time as any to...

Look, there's never a bad time. And look, to give the listeners some context, we haven't heard this story. Well, at least I haven't. I haven't either. I haven't. No, I've just heard a vague summary, which was intriguing. Yeah, and which Gabby is strangely very interested in as well. So, Pettish is not here today, actually. Yes. She was very keen that we come cover this in the episode. But that hasn't stopped me from telling the story to lots of friends and family, Alexa. So even though I don't know it, I'm sort of extrapolated from the hints I've got.

I can contextualise it. Men are generally bad at talking about their emotions and their bodies and their physical problems. It's not something that we do well. So let's model some positive male behaviour by talking about Alex's junk. And not laughing. No, of course not. Support, friendship. And brotherhood is what this is all about.

Thanks for being so considerate. This was a very tumultuous time in my life. The story goes back to when I was a 15-year-old, and I was lucky enough to have a girlfriend. And as with lots of things that age, were quite ambitious and reckless, and specifically to do with sexual positions, we were just trying a lot of stuff

that maybe we shouldn't have been trying, and one thing led to another, and in the middle of the act, I heard this noise. There was just like a sound. And it wasn't particularly painful, but it was so disconcerting. And what essentially happened is that her full body weight came down on my penis. And ever since then, there was a tiny little kink.

So at a certain point, it just like tilted a few degrees to the left. And I was fine with that. I'd watched a lot of porn in those days. And there are a lot of shapes and sizes out there. So this wasn't a particular issue for me. But the real clincher happened a year later. Now, it gets quite graphic. I don't know if I need a warn listeners about this.

Probably. Actually, hold on. If there are any kids in the car listening to this, just turn it up a little bit. Yes, because they need to know what experimentation can lead to. Yeah, that's right. No, it is important because it's quite a confronting thing to see. So maybe it's nice to hear that someone else went through it.

so at that point when I was 16 everything above that little kink just suddenly died what? Yeah I had what essentially was like I guess a medieval flail so you have like that hard base and then the rest of it was just like a chain

with a like with a spiky ball at the end the bonged people on the head with it was mortifying how worried what did it look like was it turned black I'll send you some pictures no no no it was completely it was completely fine like it all looked normal

just whenever it was erect the top was still flaccid I just had like a half erect penis and it scared the crap out of me and I was like I'd no idea what it was and at first I was like 16 and I assumed maybe I was just unfit

like I wasn't particularly chubby or anything but I thought maybe everyone else just does heaps more exercise than I do but in that particular area or just in general were you imagining bench pressing weights

were gonna fix things yeah doing some penis curls Well, to be fair, the end of it was just so, so loose and flaccid that I probably could tie it around weight and maybe do that. But no, so what I started doing, I just started sprinting. So, like, every day, I was killing myself just, like, running as fast as I could constantly for, like, three months. And nothing changed. And I still resent that to this day. I don't think anyone should be running for no reason.

This is so symbolic of what men do, Alex. So they just run away from their problems instead of confronting them. But it got even worse when I confronted it. So I went to the doctor as a 16-year-old, just wondering what I could do, like whether I was just going to have a half penis for the rest of my life. And so he diagnosed it, and it's a thing called Peronis, which is the same name as the ear, which I guess is also linked to erectile dysfunction. So the idea is that you, I mean, do you guys know how the penis works?

Probably not in enough detail to understand this story. So, like, it's full of little sacks that fill up with blood in order to get an erection. but if you snap them, they get replaced with scar tissue, which isn't as elastic. So essentially all the sacks will be filling up with blood when you get an erection, apart from everything past that scar tissue point. Oh, no. And there's not really a cure. You had a bone neck.

Yeah, exactly. And what ends up happening is that people get prosthetic penises, which I thought was the coolest thing at the time. Like, that sounded amazing to me. It was like, you've got like an extra little. pump underneath your ball sack and you just like, you just press it a couple of times and it fills your penis with saline solution and you've got an erection. That's clever.

Yeah, it's amazing. But I didn't, I had no access to that because I asked my doctor, you know, what can I do? What are the solutions to this? And then you asked me if I was sexually active. And I mean, in my head, I want to say like, well, obviously not, but you know, I'd like to be. But as a 16 year old, I didn't, I couldn't really communicate that properly. So I was just like, no, no, I'm not. And he goes to me, he's just like, okay, well, come back when you get a girlfriend.

And that was it. And I left, and that became just an in-choke with all my friends. Whenever anyone need to help with anything, we'd always be like, come back when you get a girlfriend, mate. But I was one of the lucky ones in that. I think, like, a small percentage, like 5% of bales, it just fixes on its own. And, yeah, after about a year, it got back to normal. Nature is healing. So I never came back, even when I did have a lot.

a girlfriend. Yeah, that is, that is extraordinary. That is so much better than what I've been telling my friends stories. I'm going to dine out on that story for months. The worst part is is that I just take it for granted. Like, I'm still being a complete idiot, like, bashing my penis into walls. Like, I completely forgot about that year of trauma. Like, it was, it was horrendous. Like, I was essentially asexual at a time. I didn't even find anyone attractive. I don't It has like wild repercussions. Just look after your penis, Alex. So just treasure it.

Treasure it, care for it, nurture it, if you must. Well, it's really good that we're recording this on Are You Okay Day? That's true. Is your penis okay day? They should have a penis day. Are you okay downstairs day? I suppose every day is penis day. Yeah, it's true.

Well, look, we've talked a lot about other things. We've talked about people wanking on desks, probably dozens of times so far this year. But I'm glad we've looked at the other side of the penis as well. Thank you, Alex. Thank you. We're on the homeward stretch in Tokyo now. Zander is still there, still bravely filing reports for our podcast, despite everything. Hello, Zanda.

Hello, hello, hello. Has your COVID gone away? Oh, look, it's here. It's there. It really, I think the Olympic spirit is helping me. hold out. That's good because, I mean, there are always so many, it's always such a come-down after Olympic Games. I think long

COVID would be a fantastic way to keep the memories just going for months. Exactly, and that's what I'm really thinking that sometimes it can just flare up again, so I'm thinking as soon as the high is done after the closing ceremony, I'll be in ICU the next day. Sounds like a plan. Yeah, but it's been great. The Athletes Village is starting to shrink now as the athletes who

have to go home after 48 hours after their last event are leaving the event. So, obviously, there's more people leave, there's less risk of getting COVID, but also it means that the party atmosphere is lifting up again because, you know, it's a less crowded place. You can party more because there's less risk of COVID. And really, it's just getting started. I did admire the Australian sprinter who vowed to leave no Asahi beer undrunk in the whole of Tokyo. I think that that's the spirit, really. That really is the spirit. And the interesting thing is, is that obviously some

athletes have started to fly back to Australia, which means they've done the cheeky starting to steal, all the complimentary items. Nice. So it's, you know, you walk through the empty rooms and you see all the soaps are gone, all the shampoos are gone, and all the Asahi beers are gone from the fridge. So it is pretty interesting to see how everyone's clearing this place out on their way out. Has anyone broken up the cardboard bed and brought it home with them? You'd think not.

However, watching some people try to get these beds in, because obviously sleeping on a plane is uncomfortable, right? So some people, some athletes, I can't name them. But they thought, you know what, if I cut up this bed, I'll be able to extend out my leg space on the flight. And it was amazing watching them do arts and craft the other day. Impressive. Wow. So is it a sort of like how do they fit it in there?

Do they use origami skills to fit it into their suitcase? It's kind of like a flat pack, you know? There was, I heard a lot of the Swedish people were giving IKEA tips. And it was just a really collaborative effort of, you know, they were like, okay, if you cut off this part of the bed, and then you make a slot here and you make a slot there. And so really what they were doing, they were constructing these flat packs for the plane in order to, you know, build beds. Very ingenious. I heard Rowan Browning, that Sprinter actually turned his into a full bar.

Yeah, he did. He did. He flipped it up on the side, got all the nice alcohol out on the top. And really, it didn't seem like he was sleeping the whole Olympics. He was just having the time of his life. So I need to bed anyway. Worst case you just crash on the floor. Aussie ingenuity, it's good to see, Zandis.

Australia has done so well. I'm honestly surprised that no one's accused us of being massively taking drugs. I think everyone just knows that our nation has nothing else to set sport going on, you know? They're like, that's fair. Like, what else are you going to do if you live in Perth apart from run all day, you know? There's no reason to accuse anyone for dope being. It's the only thing they can do. If you're in Perth, you are going to try to run to Melbourne.

That makes total sense. Exactly. If you're going to get across the Nullabal, you need both speed, efficiency and endurance. There you go. I certainly certainly be proud of. Zandi, I hate to say this, but you've actually done a very good job with these crosses.

If you do make it back to Australia, we may even be able to find more work for you. I don't say this lately. Well, I mean, the Brisbane 2032 Olympics is coming up, so... I'm going to need a long recovery time. It's been a pretty traumatic experience. I think after all the counselling and debriefing, I may just be ready for the 232.

Yeah, just head straight to Brisbane. That's what we're going to be our Brisbane correspondent, get in early, get to know the locals. Yeah, and I can really, you know, map the changing landscape over time, and I can stand outside and give you live crosses from the construction of the new stadiums every day. I can be like, oh, new pylons gone up, or it looks like they're finishing on the new vending machine. So I can really give you an in-depth play-by-play of the development of 2032. And also Brisbane has a burgeoning COVID outbreak, so you'll feel at home.

Oh, I will. I will. So, guys, before we go, do you know what time of year it is? It's freedom time, you know, cases ago, we're allowed to go outside. No, no, it's my annual daylight robbery. It's rego time. Oh, no. Yeah, and I had to, and I sort of looked at my car the other day,

and I thought, oh, this year might be the year it doesn't pass, because every year is the year that I think it won't pass. And then some reason it always does. I just don't know what it is. It's like magic. It's like sisterhood of the traveling 99 Commodore. But I finally did the adult thing. I hope you're all proud of me.

I went and got new tires. Wow. I've never put new tires on my car. It's a second-hand car to begin with. It's from 99. It's almost as old as you, if my mask is correct. But I'd only ever gotten a tire replaced once when I blew a tire. And then they definitely told me about two years ago when that happened.

You definitely need to replace the rest of your tires. And I did the classic 22-year-old thing and went, all right. And I never saw them again. And so I went and replaced them. When I got my car back, the tire guy was like, do you know how old your tires are? And I went, oh, the last guy, I think, told me they were about eight years old. I know that they're pretty, they were getting pretty crap. And he went, no, they were the original tires.

You have been driving on the original 99 tires this whole time. Did they have any tread at all? Yes, that's the crazy thing. They actually, it was, they weren't bold enough for me to even justify confidently booking the tire thing. I only did it because I have a little bit of extra money this year. So I was like, oh, I should probably do it. They're not that bad. I could probably go another year.

No, I probably wouldn't have passed Rego. He said, I'm amazed that you've passed Rego for the last three or four years. I'm also astonished that after you blew a tire, and the guy said, the other ones are on the verge of the same thing. You were like, oh, look, this is a several-year project. I have accidentally hit an echidna in my car. There are still echidna spores in the front right tire. What?

Yeah. And I just figured that it was kind of like a puncture. You know, you don't take the puncture thing out. It keeps the air in. So I never took them out. They're definitely there. No, but the question that I have is now that you've driven with the new tyres, are you finding that you don't slide around as much on the road?

I thought sliding around a roundabout in rain was normal. They were slowly deflating as well, and I'd just fill them up with air once a month. It's really bad. Well, look, what do you want for me? If the car works, it works, all right? That engine's still got another 20 years in it. I'm driving it until I'm 50. That's what's happening.

But the one thing I will say is yes Driving home from the Tire Place today Did feel like a thousand times safer I was like oh this is what this is supposed to feel like Not imminent death at every corner That was nice This has been our very first best of additional Another one for you tomorrow

That was lovely I felt I was there Do you reckon there's anyone who's like Purposefully not listened to any of the Chase report Just to save themselves for the best stuff now Yeah and it's important to know We listen to all of the bits with you We didn't just come in at the end

you know, sort of prefabricated fashion. This is where we're here with you, enjoying those moments again. Ha, ha, ha. They're very good. I'll have more tomorrow. Aggies and Road Microphones are part of the ACASC credit network. And we're not coming back for new episodes until the end of January. But we have amazing episodes with the...

We've got fresh new episodes all throughout January. Yes, with the original Chaser team. But, yeah, we're not going to pay any attention to the news until the end of January. And frankly, I don't think you should either. It's all COVID anyway. It's all COVID, yeah. We don't have to be in here live to know that.