The Chaser Report - BEST OF: Charles Wikipedia Fun and more!

Episode Date: December 20, 2021

Continuing our Chaser Report: Best Of series we take a look at the time Lachlan admitted to changing Charles wikipedia page. Then we dwell on more of Charles' misery by looking at a low point in his lockdown experience. Charles did have a good year, we think, it just looks bad when you cut it together like this. Plus we look back at our favourite sketches, including Matt Canavan's Wiggles! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. It is Tuesday, the 20th of December. I'm Dom Knight, Charles Firth and Alex Avulovich here for another best of edition of the Chaser report. I'll tell you what, the numbers on Omicron today. And what about that new variant? Oh, my God. Yeah, no, the Queensland variant, Sigma.

Sigma Delta Kappa, Phi. On today's episode, we have, this is going to be fun. This is one of my favorite moments. of the year. I wasn't actually in for this one, but it was the time Loughlin confessed to having changed Charles's Wikipedia page over a number of years before he worked here.

That was very creepy. It was part, oh my gosh, he's such a devoted fan. Oh my God, why the fuck did we hire this guy? And then kind of going, well,

it's a prank and that's what we do. Yeah. Wasn't it all about you liking eating us? I think he's trying to send you some messages. I think it was also like that I was 55 years old. That's true. Which upset you more? Is that not still on the Wikipedia page, though?

I assume that it's just... No, you got taken down, but people still think that I'm really old. No, you can list this source when you update it. You use me here, having known Charles for a long time, as official confirmation that he is 55. Oh, fuck off. I love it that you say it's the Wikipedia and not like your mannerisms or your body shape, or it's the Wikipedia that makes people think that.

We also have today, Charles giving up on everything in lockdown. And I'm curious that this was nominated as like one moment, rather than like it's isn't it 10 hours of all the lockdown episodes anyway i think i nominated that i said you know there must be one of those there was one particularly good one yes indeed so that's the menu for today's best of clips from the year they begin right after this now as australian entertainment royalty all the chaser have wikipedia pages however for the last few years lachlan and i have been paying special attention to one specific member of the Chaser's Wikipedia page.

Know that that's the last few years, Charles. We've only worked for you for one. This is very odd. What? How? Why? So when I was 18, I was sitting in my legal studies class, which was a huge bludge because no one with a law degree does anything.

And I was watching old Chaser bits, particularly the first in the USA segment. And I thought, no, this guy needs to get taken down a peg. So what was the first? thing that you changed. So I thought you're not the person who changed my age to 55. You, uh, 56, happy birthday. Wait, is that more or less?

Yeah, no, that's the first thing. The first thing I did was I went and I, I changed your birth year to 1965. Yeah, yeah. Wait. So you're officially 56. I, for the last couple of years, like, especially like the parents of friends. And by the way, you look fantastic. I've been saying to my friends,

oh, you know, Charles looks really good for his age. Like, he's really, you know. And it was like, and then, like, I'd always take the compliment. And then it turned out that everyone thought that I was this 56-year-old just mixed with a whole lot of mid-40 people. So for any fans listening at the moment, if you genuinely Google Charles Firth age, the first thing that comes up is 1965.

Right, still to this day. Oh, fuck you. All these years later. Mind you, don't you think I'm a bit of a silver fox? Like, as a, you know, eh? I mean... Sorry, I think Xander was saying something. I couldn't quite hear you.

I am. Oh, look, it's about 56 years, you fuck with. However, it doesn't stop there. We just didn't stop at the age bracket. So the next thing that I changed was in an episode of Radio Chaser, you just off the cuff mentioned, oh, Dange's my middle name. and I thought, well, we've got to make this official. So I then went on to Wikipedia, opened up the edit, and now your full name, Charles, is Charles, Henry, Danger, Bergman's birth,

which is really weird because that's not the weirdest name you have, Bergman. Your name literally sounds like you're a member of the royal family, Charles. I assume Bergman was one of you guys making it up. No, no, no, Bergman's a real bit. What? Yeah, the Bergman's a very... notable but no no but that's very dishonest to you that is very dishonest because i remember when you first

you know when i first met you yeah when you first were sort of looking up wikipedia for me you went oh is is danger really your middle name and you made it seem like you like you had you done it yourself is it true that you were part of a uh uh hockey team called my Dix with Chris Taylor. No, no, it was the Mighty Ducks and it was a cricket team. Well, that's not what Wikipedia says, fucko. Are you, fuck we?

And that's not where it stops. We thought over time, all right, like, these minor modifications, they're getting through way too easy. No one's changing them. So we stepped it up a level and we started to put a few more provocative things in there. Like Charles loves eating ass. That Charles has a slave army. And that Charles really, really, really, really,

to launch a coup in the Democratic Republic of Congo. Not to mention that last year announced that you were starting an only fan's account. Mind you, I think some of those things are accurate. I have always wanted to launch a coup in the Congo, and that whole eating-ass thing, you know... You're partial. Partial, dude, yeah.

Now we can reference this episode of the podcast and add them back into Wikipedia page. Oh, no, no! So, Charles, is there anything else you'd like to say? for us to not put on the Wikipedia page. Maybe you could say on Wednesday, the 25th of August 2021, Charles fired his interns on air. Wow.

They were Lachlan Hodson and Zander. I don't think that's funny enough. Well, jokes on you, Charles, because Zander and I don't have Wikipedia pages. New from the BBC comes a doctor. series, exploring the life cycle of one of Australia's rarest and most hard to find creatures, the elusive Scott Morrison. Emerging from under his hill only on the rare occasion to hunt for a genie to blame, the scomo can most often be found scrounging for food in a local

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now airing on the even more endangered ABC. Hey, you're going. I'm actually happy today. Did you know that? Oh, that's wonderful, Charles. Yeah. You're smiling, you're upbeat. Yeah, so I haven't drunk anything for the last few weeks.

I've only drunk once in the last few weeks, except last night where I drank a whole bottle of wine. And I just feel wonderful. I think drinking is a really good way to feel good. Well, I don't want to ruin your mood, but there. A story broke yesterday, though, I think we've got to discuss. Oh, yeah. And just don't get mad, okay? Can you just please try, just contain your turn because I think this might make you

a little bit annoyed, okay? Oh, dear, okay. So an FOI request was released yesterday. It published in The Age. Yeah. And it revealed that federal bureaucrats turned down an offer from Pfizer in June of last year have a meeting about their vaccine plan, even as other countries were on track to signing deals for millions of doses.

So we could have had millions of doses here by the end of last year. Could we have, though? I mean, they said, you know, we're eager to meet at the earliest opportunity. And the government didn't get back to them for days and then gave them a meeting with the first assistant secretary. Ah, I am trying very hard to not get angry at the moment, Dom. Charles, to be fair, we did sign a contract in November. Admittedly, the US and Canada had a contract in July.

the letter was dated June 30th and Pfizer Australia said that they could potentially supply millions of vaccine doses to Australia by the end of 2020 scaling up to far more in 2021. So had they said yes to this letter, we would have had millions of doses by the end of last year. But don't, Charles, you know, maybe it wasn't meant to be. What do you mean? It wasn't meant to be.

That's exactly what was meant to be. was literally they had one job, which was to get the vaccine. The states were doing everything else. But Charles, put yourself in the Commonwealth's position, right? They had a meeting with Pfizer about where they're up to. Pfizer said, we'll tell you the details of where we're up to if you sign a confidential disclosure agreement, but they didn't sign it. So Pfizer didn't want to tell them all about exactly how advanced they were with their

preparations. Instead, it was more of a general overview, was more of an introductory meeting. They would have given us a highly detailed slide deck illustrating that they were on track to produce a vaccine. Right, so they're asked, do you want more information? And they went, nah. And the government's reply was, look, we're considering the confidential agreement, but we just want to stick to the introductory meeting as planned.

Ah, fucking. Fuck, fuck, fuck then. That's basically a year and a half of our lives that we'll never get back because of that. That single decision. To be fair to the government, they were told on the 23rd July that the US and the UK had already signed deals for millions of doses. And then they just didn't do anything till November.

Till November. Well, how is that to be fair to the government? There's nothing fair about that at all. But in the government's defence, Charles, Pfizer wanted to make a profit from this vaccine, whereas the AstraZeneca one was being provided at cost. It's much cheaper. Are you suggesting that the government should have signed deals with all of the famous drug companies that were producing vaccines to beat COVID-19, just in case one of them worked

and one of them didn't? They already had the Queensland one in their pocket. I think I need another one of those bottles of wine, Dom. You've ruined my day. You've ruined my life. I mean, only if you reflect, Charles. You only need to be upset if you reflect that had we said yes to this request, we could all have been vaccinated at the beginning of this year.

At the beginning of this year, we could all be celebrated. I could have my birthday. I could see my dad on Father's Day. Charles, I'm getting angry. Yes. I'm getting incredibly angry. Yes. that this entire situation was completely preventable

if they just read the freaking email from Pfizer and signed the frickin' agreement. But you know, you know what is true though, Dom? It's also unbelievably unsurprising. You know, if I told you that Scott Morrison had fucked up the vaccine, what would you say? You'd say, yes, of course he did. Of course he fucking did.

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Or you can go and send an email to Alan at allanjones.com. dot a u yeah although i won't get through because he still doesn't know the internet works our gears remote microphones are part of the a cast creator network and we're back tomorrow uh with a very special episode featuring nina yama on a plane and those ones always end well catch you then