The Chaser Report - BEST OF: Christmas Content Cramming!

Episode Date: December 23, 2021

For a very special Christmas BEST OF edition, we give you everything we can, because what's Christmas without unnecessarily extravagant shows of generosity. This episode features Craig, Dom, Charles, Gabbi, Christian Porter, and cocaine white powder! This is the final Best Of to feature podcast segments, as next week we take a look at the Best Of our interviews. Stay tuned for more, and merry Christmas, ya filthy animals. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chase of Report. Well, Charles Firth, Alex Levilevich, we've made it to Friday the 24th of December. It is officially Christmas Eve, and I'm also Domite, as ever. Who is listening to this? Like, surely you should be spending time with your family and friends and gathering around the fire. They are. If you're listening to this, this is your social life. And with that, big hello to feel who I met Nabara a couple of weeks ago,

who loves the podcast and listens to every episode, there is one. There is one. Hello to him. Oh, no, I think there's lots of people to do. Yeah, I get lots of messages. But the problem is they always take other people's side other than that. They come up to me and say, oh, I disagree with you. I agree with Dom on this issue.

So I never report back. No, no, very wise. We've got very dumb listeners. On today's podcast, it begins with that time that Gabby and Lowe Loughlin thought Dom was dead. Where was this? No, you'd have to listen, Charles. Don't go anywhere.

It's coming up. It's one of the highlight. It was a little bit of confusion. You're alive, though. I am alive, you know. I'm definitely alive. This is going to be a bumper edition. Let's just burn through all.

Like, let's make this a fucking long edition and just all the, because we pick too many clips, so we'll just go through the mall. Also, the Christian Porter Film Festival. That was fun. Oh, that was good. Yep. That was a triumph. And we'll look back on Freedom Day the moment when Gabby Bolt told the world that she hates picnics.

The one right that we had was to do picnics. Oh, yes. That was a great episode. For a while there. And she just went, this is a shit right. And she picked it right at the beginning. Like, everyone else took a few weeks to realize how horrible meetings were. She was right up front just knew it.

It's important to get some Craig in the mix here. And we have two items from Craig. He did a traffic report for the podcast. Oh, yeah, that was good. And also he conducted an investigation into NRL players and suspicious white powder. I think that was a flawless solution, wasn't it? Yeah, it probably was.

So a few Craig moments to enjoy today in this ridiculously long episode. And then the final thing, our very first episode, when we claimed that we were going daily, when we made a promise to ourselves, to our listeners, and we didn't keep it. We did not keep our promise to go daily. What do we miss? We ended up going twice

because we're fucking idiots. All that begins right after this. Hello and welcome to the Chaser Report. It is Tuesday, the 21st night of September. I've been waiting a whole year to make that joke. And I'm Gabby Bolt joined by Lachlan Hodson. Hi, Lachlan. What's going on?

Why it turns running the show today? I know. The parents have left the house and the kids are ready to throw a party. Where are our beloved bosses? Gabby. Yeah, before too long, we'll make a Macaulay-Colkin-style trap when they come back. I don't know how we're going to do that virtually, but we'll figure it out. Home alone indeed, yeah.

But why have I been roped into this mess? One moment, I'm enjoying sleeping in at 4 a.m. And the next, I'm getting all sorts of calls saying, oh, Loughlin, Dom and Charles aren't here. I need help on the hosting. What's going on? Where are they? Yeah. No, Alexa really does freak out in moments of panic.

But I will say, it is a bit scary. I'm a little, I feel like when Mother Bird leaves the nest and we're left to Fenford ourselves like baby seals going into the ocean trying not to get eaten by a shark but no Charles has taken the week off which we did say on the podcast yesterday is taking the week off because he has the very very taxing task of aging it's actually Charles's birthday no oh happy birthday Charles this would be the what 60th yeah yeah it is and in true Leo energy even though it is definitely not Leo's season he's taken the whole week so good on him huge respect to Charles but not just taking one day off but also taking all of my sick days as

as well. Happy birthday, mate. But what about Dom Locky? Yeah, so Dom's actually, he's had to go into a surgery, apparently. Oh my God, is he okay? No, no, no, he's suffered a really bad back injury after carrying the weight of the chaser for the last 20 years. Oh. Look, we look forward to their return, but for now you're stuck with us.

And, hey, speaking of crusty white dudes quitting their jobs, Big Story broke on Sunday, Christian Porter's resigned. How big's that, Gabby? He's gone. We don't have to ever see him again. he's out of parliament, he's never coming back, all of these trials and tribulation and defamation and allegation, all of it's over. It's all fixed.

I don't know about that, Lachlan. What do you mean? No, he's gone. Well, first of all, he's not gone. He's gone from the front bench to the back bench, which is kind of like going from the front seat in an oncoming crash of a car to the back seat of the same car going into an oncoming crash. But yeah, no, he's still getting. paid he's still sitting in parliament wait so he can come back yeah well he'd never left he

he is on the back bench so you're saying that if i resign from this job i can also come back is my job fine no no is that not how resignation works i'm very confused by this new concept oh not in government lochland that's that's never how resignation works um particularly scotty implying that christian porter is stepping down because of the the blind trust situation the slush fund And not because of the sexual assault allegations, which, you know, just speaks volumes of Scotty's government at the moment, doesn't it? And Scott, if we're going to start throwing around recommendations of resignation over slush funds, I think you should pop by an IKEA and buy a few black pots and kettles for the office.

Don't you? They'll love it. Just buy some black pots and kettles because there's a lot more people, I feel, could have that same recommendation. Don't you? If we're going to, come on, slush money. Anyway. Look, at the end of the day, I'm just glad that Christian won that defamation case. Oh, good for him.

Gabby and Loughlin, I'm actually here today. What? This is Dom. I'm here. No. It was all Gabby's idea. It was all Gabby's idea. She dragged me into this.

It's a trap. It's Lachlan's fault. If you keep accusing me, I will resign. Look, to be honest, I was glad to take the intro off. I enjoyed your intro. I was so excited this morning to learn that there's a new film festival in town. Which is that we are running the Christian Porter short film competition, right? Oh, this will go well. It's a true competition.

We're offering $500 as the top prize. $500. Who's giving us the $500? Are we announcing who that is resident of blind trust? So usually we would, you know, like to keep all the jokes about Christian Porter to ourselves. Yeah, we might write a sketch or something. Yeah. But Christian border has become such a massive joke that there's enough to share around.

Allegedly. Allegedly, allegedly a joke. Oh, yeah, allegedly. And the thing is, you know, like there must be dozens of uni reviews, you know, who are all wanting to perform, you know, in the coming months, but they're in lockdown. So you're going to spread the opportunities to create Christian Portabase Chima and also spread the liability. I think that's very sensible. I was just going to say, he can't sue all of us.

And this is part of the thing is I talk to the lawyer about setting this competition up. And did you know, interesting, fun fact, there's actually no law against inciting defamation. Yes, especially since it very clearly says on the website for the competition that you shouldn't defame Christian Porter, which is obviously the official position of all of us. Absolutely. And the whole way we want to do it is, we don't want to just have these videos for ourselves. We want them shared on social media. So all you've got to do is share your video sketch. You can just be a piece of mockery, vulgar abuse.

You can do like interpretive dance if you want. Yeah. I mean, you could probably just run some of his speech from Parliament House. Not sure we're allowed to use parliamentary footage for that purpose, but you find out. You get your own legal advice on that. Yeah, you get your own legal advice. And all you do is you upload it to your social media platform of choice. Include the hashtag Christian Porter is a joke and we'll judge.

Actually, I haven't appointed the judging panel yet. Dom and Gabby, do you want to be the judges? Oh, that can't go wrong. Yeah, why not? Sure. Sure. Well, because I did actually say in the competition, rules that judges to students are final, however, they are open to receiving large

anonymous donations through a blind trust. Oh, then I'm all in. However, those donations will not affect the final result at all because the judges won't even know who made the donations, eh, wink, me? Good one. Good one, Charles. Get it? Yeah, no, good one.

I can't wait to see what you come up with and look at what happened subsequently with your lawyers. It is Monday, the 13th. The 17th of September, 2021, a day that will forever more will be known in the history of the great state of New South Wales as picnic day. I'm Dom Knight. We've got Gabby Bowie and Charles Firth and Gabby and Charles Happy Picnic Day. Oh, shut up.

You all know how I feel about this. I've been so excited about this. Oh, I bet you are. I bet you've got fucking quince paste and cheese and grapes and you're going to let all of that sugary, juicy shit on the ground for the ants to enjoy. It's such a waste. You know that there's this thing. thing at parks now, Gabby, called chairs and tables.

Have you ever heard of this concept? Yeah, I have. But the thing is, if everyone's going out for a picnic, Charles, I'm not one to arrive to a park early. And so when I get there, they're all going to be taken, aren't they? And I'm too non-confrontational to go up and be like, oh, move. Well, there is good news, which is today it's overcast with the forecast of rain for most of the day in New South Wales. So you don't have to go on a picnic because none of us can. Because we have the notional freedom of picnics without any of the hassles of actually having to go on one or be able to.

I refuse to let bad weather and unpleasantness ruin my picnic. Charles, do you want to go on a picnic? I'll get takeaway burgers. And we can huddle under some sort of rain shelter in absolute misery. But nevertheless, enjoy the fact that we're allowed to. And thumb our nose at the virus that got us into this place that, in the first place. And we're doubly vaccinated.

Yeah. So there's a non-trivial chance we could still infect each other. But it doesn't matter because it's picnic day, Charles, it's picnic day. Counter-offer, counter-offer, you could get all the food that you would eat on a picnic and you can put it on a plate in your house. And then you can eat it wherever you like because you have the absolute luxury of eating indoors. That actually sounds like a much better idea. Yeah.

I might just do that, Dom. I'm sorry. You go to the park. on your own. I think I'm just going to stay at home, actually. Good. I just remember that... I'm glad I could persuade one of you. There's a really good pizza shop near here, and they deliver to home. Like, why would I want to eat pizza in a park when I could eat it at home on my sofa in front of the TV? I should get into politics. That was too easy. The other big change today, just not nearly as

important as picnic days, there are no more 11 a.m. press conferences, and we won't really keep track of the numbers because they're going to be too terrifying and scary. So that's what the Premier decided also from today. So no more numbers. Let's just blissfully. blunder on into more cases. I wish the government took the stance of no more numbers when I was doing Year 11 General Math. That would have been really helpful. And just to clarify, this is only in New South Wales

where the outbreak is the worst, isn't it, Don? I mean, obviously, you know, in all the other states, they'll still be doing sort of daily briefings. Yeah, Victoria, ACT, no plans to stop briefings. You could sum that all up as they'll be doing work. Well, the Premier actually said last week on Friday when she announced this, the 11am press conference was getting in the way of her work. Oh, oh, did it?

Yeah. Oh, Gladys, babe, take a break, darling. You know what, take a break. Actually, take a long break. Yeah, take a like a permanent break. A permanent picnic. Ten year, 15 years. You know, how long until I'm dead?

Probably about 65 years. Take a 65 year break, Gladys. Life's a picnic, guys. It's really tough fronting the media each day. You know, it much prefer to... You know what? Something's just occurred to me, which is that if she is tired of these press conferences, someone else could actually be premier and do that job. I had just, I wonder if she's

thought of that idea. I've been thinking one step ahead of you, Dom. I'm actually the premier now. I don't know if anyone's told you this. I've been sort of behind the scenes sneaking my ideas into New South Weather Health. Did you know that actually tomorrow's 11 a.m. health person briefing is actually going to have a two-act Broadway show attached. And it's going to be called Picnicks fucking suck. So look, I'm not doing a flawless solution at the moment, although in many ways this is a solution because I've come up with a great new segment for this podcast.

Oh, great, because we're running out, honestly. We are running out of ideas fast. So, yeah, no, it's nice to know someone's been working on it behind the scenes. So the thing is, you know, like podcast is really taking over from radio, right? But I've noticed that there's something that the podcast doesn't have that radio does have, right? So this is the first Chaser report. traffic report. Oh, my God.

So on Holroyd M4 Motorway just past Church Street, there's a broken down truck at the moment. At McCrow Pass. No, no. Hang on, there's a lot more Charles. No, Craig. Craig, Craig, Craig, Craig, Craig, and we probably shouldn't tell our listeners, but this is pre-recorded. Like, this is, yeah, and also this goes out across the whole nation. Yeah, that's, no, I've got an answer to.

Let me answer your second question first, right. Firstly, I'm just going to do Sydney traffic because there's no traffic in any other places except Melbourne, and in Melbourne, they're in a lockdown where there isn't traffic, whereas Sydney's in a Sydney lockdown, so there's still a lot of traffic. Oh, yeah, so there's a lot of traffic. I still want to cover of traffic.

So that's, yeah, so that's not a problem. So, Macquarie pass. No, but. Charles, I think Craig's finally lost. It's the end of... What? What's wrong? What's wrong? Craig? Yes. Sweetie. Look, happy for you. I'm proud that you've found a new niche. This isn't useful. Why not? Well, I mean, first of all, as Charles said, anybody could be listening to this

on any day at any time because it stays up forever. So, you know, if you report on something that has been cleared or isn't real, we might... They'll be thrilled. They'll be through it. They'll be driving on and going, well, I was expected to be held up here, but I'm not. And, you know, and the longer I'm in this lockdown, the more likely it is that I will intentionally cause a car accident. So I don't know whether this is a great podcast segment, really. But look, hang the second. So you're saying just because people might be listening to this, what, like a few days later, it's not live, maybe weeks later.

Right. Yep. This is a bad idea, right? Yeah. But you see, you're fundamentally misunderstanding the nature of traffic reports, right? So they never make sense. So if you think about it, you watch, like, sunrise or something, right, has a traffic report, don't they, right? Yeah, yeah.

You're watching a television. You are watching literally television. You are definitely not in a car. It's for people who... It's nothing to do with people needing them. It's dramatic intention, Craig. Because if you've lost a loved one in a traffic report, there's no better way to do. to find out than seeing the car that you know that they have on the news you want me to find

the death ones hang on hang on oh no no no no no no I don't really want to find the death one no I'm a death cab if you're saying this is entirely pointless for the podcast are you going to be annoyed at how much money I've just spent buying a helicopter should I run this bus you first it's fine but work for Bronwyn Bishop then it can work for you, Craig. I think, I mean, Charles doesn't look at where the money's being spent in this company anyway. Look at me, my employment.

I mean, I haven't earned it. Well, it's funny because I did take the money out of the intern's beer fund. What better use for it, to be honest. The only annoying part is, is I'm still looking into the rules. I think I can only fly the helicopter within a five-kilometer range of my house. Straight up. But only up five kilometres. Yeah, yeah.

So are you saying you don't like my new segment idea? Look, Craig, it was a valiant try. It's not good. I think we still should run it each week because we've got enormous sunk costs and I think we should just chase our losses on this one. It's in the name. I guess you could use the helicopter just purve over like rich people's fences and sell what they're doing and sell the photos.

the TMZ. So we might get something out of this anyway. You could do it in the eastern suburbs. Yeah. If you could tell us what's going on in the eastern. Foot traffic. That might be a good one. Foot traffic. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah. It's good to be here. I was thinking that we should put our brains together and help out because

I've noticed that the news and the police are struggling at the moment. There's a common story at the moment. I'd only seen it was a lot of white substances turning up in places, right? I never seem to know what it is. So Nadia Bartel was seen with a white substance.

Police dismissed it, couldn't figure out what it was. I saw that the Melbourne Storm team have been caught on their day off after losing celebrating in their hotel room and they were caught with a white substance on a table there. But again, the news just said white substance. No one seems to be to figure out what it is. I wondered if we could just maybe like have a crack to see. Because it seems like this is a growing scourge.

I mean, I'm no criminologist. But, I mean, there's a multitude of things a white substance could be. There's a lot of things. It's obviously hard to narrow down. I mean, the Melbourne storm thing's pretty obvious, isn't it? Like, I just assumed that they'd just finished a rugby league match. And they wanted to wash their jersey.

So it'd be like sard wonder powder. Oh, you'd go to like a little group laundry session. Yeah. That's lovely. That's true. You get some vicious stains after a preliminary final. You do. You can you lose.

Yeah, the stain of defeat washed off. I was thinking it might be flour because I imagine that in rugby league circles they call it Mad Monday but I suspect it's actually more like baking Monday and they get together and just make cookies and just bond They get completely off their face

just on sugar Yeah It's on cast of sugar and flour Could be sugar too I mean it's also I mean When it's their white substance Vanilla ice cream is a white substance And given it was a party

Yes I mean who doesn't like ice cream at a party Criminal if you don't have ice cream at a party I will say though too I mean I hear that exercise is rather extraneous I wouldn't know as somebody who doesn't do it myself but I hear that talcum powder gets thrown around

Oh yeah it's probably chafing Must be fucking real they must just be like patting down each other's in the thighs Just a bit yeah exactly Although maybe you know It was you know it was after the sporting season They wanted to do something a little bit more sciencey They'd got themselves some of that

baking soap Oh. And they were going to get some vinegar and make some Volcanoes. Some bottle rockets. That would be, now isn't that, that's a fun thing for a Mad Monday. The weird thing about it is that this is just like based on,

it could be any of those things really. And I just wondered if this narrowed it down at all because they seem to be, and the weird thing is they seem to be poking it with like a credit card and they've got a rolled up note that they seem to be using to like move it around with their nose. So I don't know. Like, I mean, that's not how I eat my ice cream. I think that would be dangerous for your sard wonder soap kind of thing. It's really mystifying as to what it could be.

I think someone was sculpting. I think they had a block of beautiful marble there. And one of the players just was creating a beautiful sculpture. Maybe you just said, yeah. Art is a very good thing for Mad Monday. That's right. And you get all the dust, all the dust. And then they were selling it on a credit card.

You know, someone bought it. And they had to take a credit card. order. That could be what it was. I don't want to point any fingers, you know, at at criminologists, right? But I feel like maybe there were also cops on the side, because I hear that, like, they might have just been, like, looking at those credit cards and that bank rolls for fingerprints. I mean, fingerprint powder. Like, they'll probably just... Oh, yes, dusting them. They were doing their due service. I mean, coronavirus has really killed a lot of industries. They're just working two jobs like the rest of us. Yeah, okay. I mean,

I was wondering whether it could be. I mean, this is the embarrassing thing. This is why the news never wants to mention this and never wants to say. say the names, and this is a bit of a radical idea, but it could just be that it's dandruff. I mean, it's really embarrassing. Yes. Yeah. I mean, you know, you're just like, oh, God, I've got a got dandruff on the table. I'm going to push it together with this credit card and then I'm going to blow it away

with my nose using this $100 bill. It's a very good idea. Or in a similar vein, it could have been money laundering, which I understand to be when your dollar notes get a little bit dirty. So you get that washing powder out again, just give them a little bit of a bath. They're cleaning the notes, clean the notes. Cleaning the notes. So you just give them a bit of a bit of a bath in the sink.

Look, I just want to return to talcum powder, though, because talcum powder could also solve chub rub inside your nostrils. I mean, who's to say it doesn't work? That's true. Who's to say, like, they might have just been a bit clear. It could have been fucking suitor fed, you know? A little bit, oh, a bit grassed up from the week, boys. And also, because you're constantly having people run into your nose

and smash your nose constantly. That's great. Anormous about a chafing in there. Yeah. That's, that's making a lot of sense. Oh, it's just dust. It's probably just dust. That isn't white, Dom.

No, it's because what they probably did, a chalk dust. Oh, chalk dust. They were starting their plans for the next season, and someone had a chalkboard out. Oh, they just already began to begin planning out all the different moves they were going to do, yeah. Oh, they're planning, yeah. Getting the formations. Here's where we went wrong. See the way, you know, you ran through here and I passed it there.

Yeah, with the white chalk. And, oh, isn't it awful when that white chalk dust gets up your nose? Yeah, yeah, that would lead to a white substance on a table. So awkward with that. Yeah, yeah. What was Nadia Bartel planning? Marshmallows. You know how you have white marshmallows?

And they said those little bits of white marshmallow dust, terribly inconvenient. When that gets up your nose. I can see the problem here. I can see why the police is struggling with this so much. And the journalists and that, you mean, you think somebody at Channel 9 would be an expert on white substance on a table. But there's apparently no journalists can figure it how. I think I remember actually the Logies seeing some people who may not be in this chat

with that marshmallow dust. I didn't even know they had marshmallows at the Logies. But yeah, people from Channel 9 seem to have a lot of that stuff. 10-year-old me, I loved candy, guys. I was walking around the Logies just fucking shoving my face with fucking... Oh, Sherbet. That's right. It was Wisphys.

The toilets at the Logies. Yeah. Everyone's doing Wispies with those little spoons. He's very dusty. It's weird, it's weird, Charles, because it was a lot of dandruff around you, but you have no hair. That's really weird, isn't it? I mean, it couldn't be dandruff then.

I don't clean the bathrooms at these. like executive celebrity functions. It seems like they're always dusty. Do they clean it with a similar note? No, because you hear about the Met Gala bathrooms are always dusty. The Logie bathrooms are always dusty. The Emmy bathrooms. Like, come on, clean the bathrooms.

No wonder pandemic spread. No one's cleaning bathrooms. Or if they are, they're doing it with their nose. This is, we've got to have a higher level of like kind of control going forward. Anyway, it's a great mystery. But, you know, if you guys didn't give anything, just, um, yeah, hit me up. But anyway, speaking of nostrils, I have some coke in the storeroom. Oh, yeah, love us not.

Oh, God, you give me a line. Welcome to our first show for 2021. Yes, Charles, we are back. And we're going daily, dropping at 5 a.m. every single morning, right after we finish recording it at 4.55 a.m. It is a terrible idea. Well, that's it for today's Chase Report. But we're back tomorrow, Charles, at 5 a.m. to do it all over again.

Why did we sign up for this, Dom? This is a terrible idea. It genuinely is. Well, Charles and Alex, we did an entire week of reheated, refabricated shit. No, of wonderful... Of wonderful best of, of memories. It was a wonderful excavation of the best of the year.

And the best part of it was that we didn't have to be here. We could actually start a holiday this week. So what about next week we do a similar thing? Yes. What we'll do is we'll look back on some of the best interviews of the year. Yes, but we're not going to repeat the ones that we've already repeated. No, no, no, they're not ones that we've... They're things that haven't been played twice.

Yeah, okay. So they're all stuff that's only... So things like David Kilcullen. Will Anderson certainly is in there. And there's such a fantastically awkward moment. I don't... You shouldn't miss it. And we also, while we're plugging things, in January,

we're getting the OG chaser people back to talk about making TV shows and the stunts that you might remember from those shows, stories from behind the stunts, but also the ones that we couldn't put to air. And let's just say Chaz has some pretty serious injuries that he's going to reveal. To this day.

Yes, to this day. I actually feel genuinely bad about that except it's a funny story so I'm taught that's coming up throughout January here on the Chaser Report have a great Christmas have a great Christmas if possible

Christmas tomorrow yeah in isolation yeah our gear is from road microphones we're part of the A-class creator network thank you for joining us this year we're back next week with more best ofs