The Chaser Report - Best Swear Words to Teach Your Kids

Episode Date: December 15, 2021

Charles finds himself in trouble with other parents after learning the hard way that some of his babysitting methods are slightly unorthodox. Meanwhile Aleksa takes a look at renters who are being asked to buy their landlords Christmas presents, and finds a golden opportunity to shower his bosses with praise. Plus Lachlan gets fired from being producer after he ditched work to watch the newest Spider-Man movie. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chase of Report. Hello and welcome to The Chase Report. It is Thursday the 16th of December 2021. We have Charles Firth, Lachlan Hudson, Alex Avulovich, and I'm Dom Knight. And we have a big show, which is mostly going to be about making fun of Lachlan, I think, for his Spider-Man obsession. You shut your mouth, Dom. I don't want to hear it. Wow.

With great power comes great responsibility. Lachlan, are you taking your responsibility seriously as producer with the podcast? I think I am. I think I'm giving it the responsibility. that deserves, if I'm going to get taken in here and treated like a punk. Also, look, speaking of not taking responsibility, Charles, I got there was some incidents on the set

the other day with the whole bunch of kids recording the sketch. Yeah, we're going to have to, I think I might have to talk to my lawyers before we actually tell any of these stories, because I've just realised. Probably, yeah. Dad of the year, Charles Firth, comes in with all the hottest parenting tips. And Alex

has some great news for landlords. People who really need good news. That's all coming up on today's episode. but here's Beck with the headlines right after this. A New South Wales resident has enjoyed their freedom today by going outside and taking a deep breath of fresh COVID. Between coughs, the resident thanked their glorious leader Perrite for observing the rising case numbers

and making the sound decision to open up even harder. Elon Musk has been awarded Time magazine's Cunt of the Year, year for 2021. The man who spent much of the pandemic lobbying against COVID-safe policies was hailed by Times editors as one of the biggest cunts they'd ever encountered, saying he deserves to be remembered alongside other winners like Jeff Bezos, Mark Zuckerberg, Rudy Giuliani and Adolf Hitler. Finally, a 17-car pile-up has occurred on a major city freeway with countless casualties and property damages. The cause of said car crash is believed to have been due to a car that had its

interior light turned on by a child, which immediately caused the father driving to flip the vehicle. That's the latest headlines from The Chaser Report. I'm Rebecca Deunamuno, and why are there so many Spider-Men? So on yesterday's show, Lachlan mentioned that the episode that had my kids in it actually rated really highly. It did. Put us to shame. It got me thinking maybe we need to feature them

in more things. So I organised a comedy sketch and we were doing it this afternoon. And I have now got into a world of trouble as a result of child labour laws and presumably from like, you know, up

top like the work health association or someone like that. No, no, no, no. The set was far too dodgy for that. No, no. So we borrowed a couple of other kids as well. for the shoot. Uh-oh. Just from a local school? Yeah, yeah, from friends with the parents, right?

And it was a funny sketch. It was part of that knob sort of series that we're doing. And I was playing as NAB banker. You know, the punchline was essentially me telling them to fuck off. I mean, admittedly that is how Logan Roy on Succession, the best TV show of the year, ends every single scene. It's going to fuck off, fuck off! Yeah, that's right, yeah.

And he does it to his children. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah. So why can't I do that? to some children and friends, right? Okay, so I did that, and we had lots of takes and everything like that, but then, you know, especially with comedy sketches, what you do is you then sort of record some wild lines, which is basically trying to find extra comedy by getting everyone to sort of

improvise a bit, right? And they were having got a lot of fun with it, and they're in character. And they were incredibly, you know, talented as well. Yeah, incredibly charming little kids, right? But then they started, they started realizing, oh, wait a minute, you. you know, like the other guy is swearing, so maybe we can swear. And so, and it was a very funny sort of thing, because I was playing the Uncle Steve character,

and it was like, I'm going to tell my dad that you just told us to fuck off. And it was just hilarious, coming out of the mouths of these 10-year-old kids. They went home, and of course, the first thing that they did was boast to their parents about how they'd been allowed to swear on screen and how everyone was laughing. at them. Oh no. And then I got a very angry call this morning saying we're not allowed to use any of the swear word footage. I'm in trouble. That's like the whole sketch. I know. I know. We only thought of one

joke, Charles. I know. Yeah, it was just, it was really cheap, yeah, joke. I love it you, you're not scared of NAB, but when someone's parent calls you, it suddenly, like, we have to rethink our entire Well, I kind of think it's fair enough. And the irony is that the parents, they swear like, you know, bloody people... I think what you need to do is you need to go to the parents' parents and say, Yes. Hello.

Your children told me to fuck off. Yes, I like that. Well, you know that they say working with children is a bad idea. I presumably thought that was because they were very difficult to corraling it to do things. But now I realize it's because you can't have any fun with them. No, exactly. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, that's not true at all. Yeah.

Okay, because there's another, I thought you were going to talk about something else that happened on the set. We should probably mention this. You don't have to say this. But I think, luckily, I don't think the parents, well, the parents certainly haven't rung me yet to complain about the other thing, which Alexa taught them. Alex, did you? Who told you? Who's, who, is it dibidob a Lockie? Who's doing this? It was, I thought no, I thought no one noticed.

As one of the only people on that set who have a working with children's chair. That was clearly my next question. I wouldn't give Charles one of those. I'm sitting there and, you know, I'm trying to learn the kids' names and I'm trying to encourage them and make sure that they're doing well. When we had, because it was a Christmas sort of setting with the scene and the props, there were these Christmas bonbons everywhere and we cracked a few of them open. And inside one of them was a magnifying glass,

which is everyone knows can be used to set fire to everything. So the thing was these lovely little innocent children didn't know that yet until Uncle Alexa started setting things on fire on set. No, they outsmarted me. I wasn't one who started this. Those kids said it. We've got it on recording. The 10-year-old admitted she was a pyromaniac.

She used that word. Look, I mean, it's something I have to come clean on. When I sent in my resume to The Chaser to get this job, I did lie. I'm not a COVID marshal and I'm not a child wrangler. I can't do either of these things. And I guess that led to the big fire at your apartment complex. And I'm sorry.

It's just magnifying glasses are so unsatisfactory. You know, you use them for a little bit and the kids get bored because there's not really much of a fire. And on a movie set, there's just like so much repetition and so much boredom. it's only natural that kids are going to start taking out the spray on sunscreen because that's funnable too and like taking the uh the kind of you weren't you didn't did you they absolutely did you were lighting the sunscreen my my fingerprints aren't on it that was entirely the 10 year old girls oh my god that that's why because then my son my 10 year old

comes up to me at the end like after everyone's gone oh no and he gets a match and then he gets some hand sanitizer and he sprays the hand sanitizer and it's full of alcohol just like that. It was very impressive. I only saw Alexa teaching them how to light gunpowder on fire with a match. I just want to congratulate the three of you for producing the one film set in the world that makes Alec Baldwin's one look safe. The Chaser Report, News You Come.

trust. So the housing market has been a bit of a shambles for a long time. It's been rough, hasn't it? But I'm quite young. Yeah, most people in my generation feel like they'll never be able to buy a house. Now it's not just home ownership that's hard. Now even renting is very difficult. It's big for yourself. It turns out it's not enough to just pay rent to your landlords. Now you've got to buy them little gifts to secure your spot as a tenant and avoid becoming homeless. Seriously. Sorry what? Yeah, so here's a little email sent from a real estate agency called Canick and Coe in Logan, Queensland.

They sent this to their tenants. So the email opens with, This year has been particularly challenging for both our tenants and property owners alike. And we understand some tenants would like to thank their property owner for everything in 2021. Oh my goodness. Prompting them to buy Christmas gifts for the landlords. And the agency's being really nice and facilitating this with. Christmas packages so you can pay $50 for a white wine grazing box or $70 for a self-care

hamper or, you know, $115 for one that's called All Things Golden. I also don't actually know what that is. I think it's a golden shower, to be honest. This is extraordinary because what this means is that real estate agents, instead of them actually giving their employees rewards, they've tried to fob that under the tenants, it's like every other thing, every expense. If you try and get your fucking landlord or your real estate agent to pay, for anything. It is impossible.

They just, because the housing market is so competitive now that you basically can't complain about anything. We've had a light globe that's been out in our house for two years. We still haven't managed to figure out how to change. It looks like you didn't buy enough Christmas gifts. Yeah, I need to golden shower my real stage, clearly. Well, Zendor and I have got, you know, we haven't, we're missing entire walls, everything's water damage.

It's a really, Zanda, why do we, he's not here? It's just an absolute shamble of a terrace. and now I have to buy them a box of favourites as well. It's crazy. And it's wild because specifically in the Queensland town of Logan, rent has increased by 30% in the past five years. Now, I imagine that's enough to buy a lot of boxes of favourites, but apparently not.

Look, I actually support this move. Oh, get out. As a property owner, I think people who don't own property should be more grateful to us for, because there's lots of admin in, you know, having to deal with ownership. You know, like, there's lots of stuff that goes into... The high cost of rents are already so enormous

that people who rent can't afford to save up and buy. But now with the cost of gift packages on top of renting, they're never ever going to escape. No, but it's also... No, but think of the landlord, you know, the... Think of the little people. Yeah, think of the little landlords out there, you know. He's struggling to count their money this Christmas.

I mean, there's lots of... They're just curled up on their... their cozy little fireplace with $4,000 couches. They're really struggling right now, Charles. Have some pity for it. I know, exactly. Thank you. Thank you.

No, you know, I'm, actually, I think you've convinced me, Charles. In fact, I think, you know, I've got to look at the food chain, though. I can't ask, I'm not, I don't own a house, so I can't ask anyone for, for a gift box. But I think it's about time that my sponsor child started returning what I'm giving it. So I think I might ask my sponsor child for a gift. A gift this year. Yeah, a golden shower or something. Just a nice bottle.

Actually, it makes a very good point, which is that I reckon Charles, I don't know if you agree with me, that this Christmas it will be appropriate for the interns to give us a large gift hat. I think that's a very good idea. What are you getting us for? A golden shower. Of course.

What I get you every year. The Chaser Report. More news. Less often. Hey, Lachlan. You know how we made you, like, producer of the podcast and in charge of organising all the details. Yeah, I know.

It's an honour and a privilege. I'm thankful for every day. We've noticed, haven't we, Charles, that there's been a little bit of a lack of news content, particularly in the headlines you've been coordinating. Oh, no. Are you actually aware of what is, you know, going on in the wider world? I am tapped into the zeitgeist.

I know everything that's going on in the real sort of everyday issues. Yeah. Like what? Look, it's mostly just casual stuff Like when your shopping bag breaks You know, that's what our listeners are looking for What are some of the places Where Omicoran outbreaks have happened in the past, you know,

week or so? Well, I don't know about that But I do know Do you know what Omicron is? Yeah, that's the French president This is a bit of a problem You're supposed to stay across the news You're meant to be telling us

The moment news breaks 24-7 You don't get to sleep You've got to call charge and me at 2 a.m. and say, oh, you know, something just happened. Just called on. Another dance floor in Newcastle that's just gone completely apeshit with Omicron. What's going on? Okay, I think you've caught me red-handed here.

I kind of, for the last two weeks, haven't been watching or paying attention to the news. What? Why? Okay, so you guys know how, like, there's a new Spider-Man movie coming out? Yeah. You know how, like, the big culture around Spiderman? spoiling the big Marvel movies is just drastic. Oh.

I love Spider-Man way too much to risk having the new Spider-Man movie spoiled for me. So two weeks ago... That's that new one where he dies at the end. Is that the one? Charles, I know that you're joking. I know you're pissing with me, but I don't like what you're implying there. Yeah, it's called No Way Home, because there's no way home because he's dead. That's why it's called that.

But it doesn't matter because the other Spider-Man, Andrew Garfield and Toby McGuire, they die as well, but then they're all reincarnated by the Green Goblins Green Ray misfiring. That's what happened. You guys better be kidding. I have no way to confirm if you guys are telling the truth or not, because there could be anything out there right now. Well, it's a multiverse.

I know, yeah, I'm so, like, there's a multiverse, and we're going to have all the Spider-Man from the other movies, and it's going to be, like, really, really, like, it's going to be the movie of the century. And so this implies, Charles, there is another universe in which there is a competent producer called Lachlan producing this podcast seems very unlikely I don't know if we could somehow get Dr. Strange

to open up a wormhole and get him any Dr. Strange is in the movie by the way I know I know that yeah he's in all the trailers it's the only thing it's the only news that I am actually consuming so wait a minute you're watching the trailers but just so wait a minute are you just only keeping track of yeah I've got I've got all the trailers on VHS

and I watch them in my little bunker actually this this brings up I've got to have the rest of the day off. Oh, how come? Because it's Thursday, right? It's Thursday, yeah. So the movie's actually just come out. Oh, dear. All right. And I've got an

article here. No, don't. So called, the Spider-Man No Way Home spoilers that have already been leaked. Are you, are you for real? I'm for real. No, no, I'm leaving. This is workplace harassment, Dom. This is me. It's pretty mean. Dom, I have been waiting for this movie for so long. I have no

friends. This is all I have. Oh my God, you won't believe what Miles Morales does in this. Don't do this. He's the new Spider-Man. It's Miles Morales. Is he in the... Yeah, that's the... I'm serious, that's there.

Lachlan, if you want us not to do this, just do a better job of producing the podcast. Okay, I'm putting in my two-week notice, guys. It's my official resignation. This is the verbal contract. It's been wonderful working with you. Spider-Man comes first. Unfortunately, our producer will have to deal with your resignation letter.

It's very incompetent, so he probably can't have done. Yeah. Does this segment end with Loughlin dying? I think it ends with the two alternate Lachlan's from the other universe coming in and saving my ass. I hope you enjoy the movie, Lachlan. What few things you now don't know about it. Our gears from Red Microphones.

We're part of the Acast Creator Network. And Miles Morales is the new Spider-Man. I hate you so much, Dom. Catch you later.