The Chaser Report - Best Ways to Prepare for World War III

Episode Date: December 8, 2021

Apparently there's a new Bitcoin billionaire in town, so Dom and Charles take a look at unmasking this mysterious new magnate to see if they can save us from bankruptcy. Meanwhile Aleksa brings more another sappy good news story about the looming war between Russia and Ukraine. Plus things get quite heated in the office when Lachlan presents the goods from his latest sponsor. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chase of Report. Hello, and welcome to The Chaser Report. It is Thursday the 9th of December 2021. Hello, Charles Firth. Hello, Dom Knight. Charles, you have an uncertain amount of Bitcoin, don't you, in an account somewhere possibly worth a lot of money. Are you Satoshi Nakamoto, the founder of Bitcoin?

Look, I cannot confirm nor deny that, Dom. I know that there's been a lot of allegations raised about that, and all I would say is probably, but I'm not prepared to prove that. I think it's better that it'd be left uncertain. And if I could borrow some money on the basis that I am extremely rich, that would be great. The Australian who claims to be the man behind Bitcoin and potentially, therefore, own $71 billion worth of Bitcoin, has been in court and has had a victory. We'll talk about that first up.

Yes, that sounds very interesting. What about the Russian guy who wants to invade Ukraine? What's his name? Vladimir Putin. Yeah, we're going to talk about him as well. Yeah, Alex is going to take a look at all the trips massing on the border. That'll be cheerful. Classic Alex's segment, really.

Plus our classic Thursday segment, which we've never done before, but is going to become a classic, which is we're going to review hot sources. Loughlin has assembled a collection of extremely hot sources. We are going to have a massive amount of pain. And in fact, we haven't recorded that bit yet. It may actually prove fatal. So if you are hearing this after our death, it was a good way to go. All that coming up right after we check in with Rebecca Day and Amuno.

The Liberal Party has announced a new candidate for Waringa in the upcoming federal election who is said to have no previous political history. The candidate, named Bladis Gerijiclian, says she looks forward to starting over again for the first time with a clean slate. After a recent investigation, MP for Manila George Christensen has been identified as the Zodiac Killer. Following the shock discovery, Scott Morrison has confirmed with the press he has dealt with George by telling him that he is now on extremely thin ice.

And as the Christmas season begins, Mariah Carey and Michael Bouble have finally defrosted from Carbonite after their ritual 11-month slumber. Naturally, shopping malls, community radio and wine mums have since welcomed the Yuletide Dark Lords with open arms. That's the latest headlines from The Chaser Report. I'm Rebecca Dayunamuno. Move over at Lassian. We may have a new richest Australia. Isn't it wonderful to think of another mega-billionaire with an Australian passport?

This is Craig Wright, a computer scientist who claims that he invented Bitcoin and that he is the mysterious Satoshi Nakamoto, the legendary founder of Bitcoin who no one's ever found. Which I think is really. ridiculous, isn't it? Because I invented Bitcoin. And no one can prove otherwise. And that's why we're so wealthy as an organisation. That's right. Well, Charles used to mine Bitcoin on the computers in the office back in the day and no one knows who that stash is. Well played, Charles. But this is fascinating because the founder of Bitcoin, whoever it is, has a $71 billion

stash of Bitcoins. You can see publicly that they're sitting there in a wallet, but no one knows who controls them. So you know that he actually lost this court case that said that he owns 71 billion dollars worth of Bitcoin. Really? So the Australian who won the court case actually lost the court case

because the court case was a dispute between him and the other guy who also says he sort of co-founded it with the Australian guy. And the court went, okay, well, Australian guy, you can keep the 71 billion dollars worth of Bitcoin,

but you've got to give the American guy, who's claiming it, you know, the former business partner, you've got to give him $100 million. So he gets $71 billion. He's got to give the guy $100 million for IP. And so the whole thing is that everyone around the world has said, this guy's just a complete fraud, because he's never actually proved

that he's got any of the passwords to any of this $71 billion worth of Bitcoin, right? So he may be in a bit of a pickle now, because he's now got a court to actually, this is what he always wanted. He wanted a court to say, no, no, that is your staff. but he may have forgotten the password. So let me get this straight, Charles. So if he may control the $71 billion,

if he can't get to the $71 billion, he owes the guy $100 million, he's got to pay regardless. I know. It sounds exactly like something I'd get myself involved in. And Charles' a stash of Bitcoin is worth quite a bit. Yeah, I think last count we worked out it would be worth about $40 million.

If I can find it, which I can't. Oh, that's bizarre. And so this guy may have gotten himself a hundred million dollars in the red if you can't figure out how to access because everyone says Craig Wright if you are the creator of Bitcoin if you're the person who owns

this master wallet that has all this money in it just prove it just move one Bitcoin to a different account to show that you actually have the password. Preferably to me but yeah the Chaser will take the donation Craig yeah look I think it's great that

there's sort of vindication for this Australian go-getter entrepreneur who may be the richest Australian like forget Gina Reinhard Yeah, 71 billion is a huge fortune. But I do love, it's just like all other Australians, it's just about mining. Like, as long as your wealth is created from mining. Crypto mining, that's right.

Oh, gosh. Good luck to him. My phone number is 0419282-188 if you want to give me a call and donate any money. Well, Charles, you know the thing that makes me a bit jubious about whether he actually controls the Bitcoin. And I don't mean to impugn his character, but his lawyer said that he plans to give most of the money to charity. Oh, come. And I'm just saying, isn't that what you'd say if you didn't actually have the password? Oh, no, I forgot the password.

I'll just have to hold on to this $71 billion. Sorry. This is the other weird thing. Bitcoin, it's kind of so theoretical that if this $71 billion wallet can never be claimed by anyone, does it even exist at all? The $71 billion is basically just, it just exists as transactions, and it's not even real. Ooh. Oh, money isn't even real.

If you think about it, what is money? Yeah, so creditors of the chaser, please just ponder that money is not real and that nor are our debts. The Chaser Report, news you can't trust. It's time for another installment of Alex's cheerful news roundup. Hi, Alexa. Hello, hello. Today's cheerful news is that there are 100,000 troops on the border with Ukraine. Russia is poised to invade.

Excuse me for being just a little bit cynical about Vladimir Putin. But is this entirely related to the fact that his popularity is going down and he needs another bit of a pole boost? And last time they invaded Crimea, it was seen as the best thing he ever did. Yeah. And so he's just invading literally to make himself popular again. Is that what's going on? I think that's a good part of it.

Like, yeah, he's super unpopular now. and he's doing a whole lot of repression that, I mean, even for Russian standards is unprecedented. Yeah, I think he's trying to bring back Crimea 2014, the golden years. Hasn't he managed to change Russia's democracy such that it doesn't matter if he's unpopular, though? Like, doesn't he get the secret police to just put a little bit of Novichok on people? But I think the freaky thing about this is he's mobilizing all these troops, and him and Medvedev have written all these articles about, I mean, it sounds kind of cutie on the face of it. they're like, Ukraine and Russia are one people.

We shouldn't be separated by borders, guys. And, you know, it sounds really nice, but it's a big provocation. But the issue is that opinion polls in Russia show that no one cares anymore. Oh, really? It's not as exciting as Crimea was in 2014. So even beating the drums of war doesn't work multiple times. Doesn't help him out in this sense. I mean, these are opinion polls.

So it's a bit like, because golf war won in the early 1990s. That was really popular. I remember that. That was a great war. But then, yeah, Gulf War, too, I mean, it sort of dragged it and went too long. It's sort of very unconvincing, you know, motivations for getting in there. Like, it just, the whole thing didn't really work. And it, it was, it bombed.

Well, sequels are often just, fails to capture the magic of the original. Well, that's, it's the same tendency here. I mean, I think there are, there are more answers to why this is happening, and some of it is found in Ukraine, I guess. It's just a really sad situation. I think it's a universal truth that if you're a small country that's strategically important to two bigger countries, you're going to get fucked. Like, you're going to have a horrible time. And I think that's what's happening to Ukraine now.

So it's a bit like being a Victorian or something. Or indeed like Australia and having the resources that China needs and to be strategically important to America. That doesn't seem to work out pretty well. It's a very similar situation. It's quite important to us at the Chaser because the president, of the Ukraine is Zelensky, who I think is following the same trajectory that we're trying to follow, which is going from political satire comedian to leader of a country.

Yes, yes, definitely. Well, that's my intended path. Yeah, and it may also realistically be Craig's intended path, who knows. No, well, there you go. So, who knew that just electing comedian would get you invaded within a matter of a year or two? But it's, I mean, that's the thing. He was quite special at the time, because he's, like, vaguely, populist like he's not the same as other politicians and he was a big unifier like he got over 70%

of the vote which means that both the east and the west both liked him like the pro-Russians and the pro-Ukrainians he was the guy for everyone and then he just kind of kind of got a bit fucked like it was just a really sad situation like you couldn't broker a peace deal with the Russians which is kind of part of his mandate because the Russians were so intransigent I feel like if Craig had got that job, he probably would have been able to broker a piece between East and West. He just sort of sat down with him and just huge his gap-tooth charm. But also, if you think about someone who's played a Prime Minister on television, I mean, Sean McCullough had that XPM series, I'd be a good Prime Minister, wouldn't he?

I mean, he looks a lot like one. But then the year in, we'd hate him. I mean, isn't the point that it doesn't Vladimir Putin not enjoy any comedy whatsoever? He's the most serious person in the world. I imagine, you know, you go to a meeting with Vladimir Putin and every joke that you tell would fall flat. And that would be hard. You just get the dead sharp eyes no matter what.

You go, okay, well, maybe you can have some of the east of our country then. Just give me a laugh. I picture isn't someone who might like Benny Hill, like some kind of like old school shitty humor but like punctuated with a lot of like scantily clad ladies. Yeah, I think that's his style. To be fair, it wasn't just Russia. I think Trump and Biden both did a number on Zelensky. I mean, Biden had his run-of-the-mill corruption where, I mean, Ukraine is existentially

dependent on the US because of Russian aggression. They need the US to prop them up and defend them. And Biden used this to get his kids cushy jobs and all this other messed up stuff. Yeah, it is bizarre. When you think back on that, Hunter Biden going, dad, dad, I've got this exciting new business opportunity in Ukraine and jihadists didn't go, what the fuck, mate?

What are you doing? But Trump fucked him as well. How did Trump fuck it? Oh, with Rudy. No, no, no. Well, it was because they had all this information about Biden's corruption in Ukraine and he kind of tried to force Zelensky

into coughing up that compromising material, essentially treason, right? He was using US patronage to get rid of his political rivals. And Zelensky was kind of fucked because he's like, well, I need US. help, so I need to help Trump, but also don't want to alienate Biden because I'm going to need U.S. help in the future. It's just a really gross position to be in, and he just kept getting more and more unpopular. Should we just abolish the Ukraine? It sounds like it's a very difficult

country to be in. Maybe we should just get rid of it. Well, look, Ukraine has always been one people with Australia, haven't they? That's very deep ties. We could send our troops there, couldn't Yeah, I think it's time for us to stake our claim. Yes. So I saw a very cheery headline this morning, Alex, that I don't know if you saw, it suggested basically that if China and Russia were smart enough to coordinate an invasion of Ukraine and Taiwan at the same time, the US couldn't possibly stop them both. Are they smart enough?

Are Xi Jinping and Vladimir Putin smart enough to call each other? But I think, I mean, it's dependent on them being smart enough, but it's also dependent on the U.S. not being dumb enough to do two wars simultaneously. Like, I can't discount any of these. It would be good viewing because it goes through different time zones. Oh, yeah. You'd be able to turn on the war in the morning and see, you know, the Taiwan Straits. And then, you know, in the evening, it'd be more sort of Ukraine war.

So, I mean, I think that works. And it's really fresh because, like, I think a lot of the war footage we were watching was all, like, Middle East. This is like two completely different. Because you'll have lots of drone shots. Like, that's the new innovation is, I mean, not just military drones, but just actual drone camera shoots make war look so good. Yeah, and I'm tired of Desert Wars. We've really seen that movie already.

I want some East Asian Ocean Wars and... Yes, Ukrainian wintery, yeah. Actually, what's the national drink of the Ukraine? I assume vodka. Oh, in that case, Putin's right. Russia and Ukraine is. But can you drink vodka's out of a leggy? Send Ben Robert Smith in to sort the whole thing out.

The Chaser Report, more news, less often. Welcome to The Chaser Report. Thank you very much, Angus. Well done there. And look, we've got pretty much everyone in the studio. We've got Dom, Gabby, Charles, Angus Hartley and myself. I've got another sponsor for us all today, guys. Oh, wow.

Fantastic. Yeah, yeah. So how do you guys like hot sauces? Um, oh, yeah. Not remotely. You know, we're four white people in a room, surely. We're all really good at handling spice. I can't believe Charles's kids are still here. This seems cruel and unusual treatment of minors.

Well, I can tell you, my son Hartley, my 13-year-old, he actually is good at eating the spices. He's a bit of a spice-free. I'd rate myself as better than most. We'll definitely know how we feel by the end of this segment. Because today's sponsor, comes from a site called chilibomb.com.com.aU.

What Chilibom do is ChiliBomb send you packs of unique hot sources straight to your door for free delivery and they send you packs of sources four times a year. So is that why there's a whole lot of chili sauces bottles on the table? There's a lot of very scary looking

red bottles in this room. Yeah. So what happened was I saw Chilohm on. Sorry, before you go on, can I just say this is a disaster? This is already a disaster because last time we got sent a packet of corn chips that were ghost pepper flavored. Yeah, Carolina, Rieper.

Yeah, which is like literally the worst chili in the world. And we had like one, or I had half of one and like I was gone for the next half hour. It is impossible to eat one. But we left them, this is when we were back at Triple M. We left them in the studio and somebody, I think it was MG or something, grabbed a packet of them and started eating them. on Breakfast Radio the next morning. And it was a total oh-h-and-s issue.

Like we got hauled aside by HR saying, you're not allowed to just leave a packet of chips. So I think this is, this is, this has got legal problems written all over at this segment. So originally I reached out to Chili Bomb and thought I'd ask them for one or two sources. And they get back and they say that they've got something called the Chili Bomb Challenge,

which is eight increasingly hot sources, ranging from 2000 ScoV. which is the measurement we use for spices to 1.7 million Scoville. Do we have that one here? That's the last one that we'll be eating today. And we're all going to have that.

Can I just say, so 2,000 Scovels, it's entirely possible that none of us will be able to have the weakest one. They actually told me that they've got sources that range from hot enough for white people to enjoy, like Tabasco, to hot enough that you need to sign a non-disclosure agreement before purchasing. That is extraordinary

Well surely our mouths will be so burnt We can't disclose anything about them anyway Let's get started So the first sauce that we're going to eat today Is one that I actually have tried before Which is called Fiji Fire It's got a sort of carotty kind of taste to it It's quite sweet

Is this the softest one that they've given us? So this is the second softest one They told us to try And it's 14,300 Scovilles So let's all tuck in I can't believe you just heard it over the 2000 All right so the question is How far can we all go up the individual ranking scale?

I reckon I'll do all right. I just want to say for the record, I have no problem losing this game. All right, guys. Bon Appetit. Ah, yeah, that's all right. Generally nice. How are you going? There's no fire in that.

Yeah, pretty nice. I might actually have some more. More like Fiji Fizz. Yeah, look, I think, is that supposed to be better or worse than Tabesco? Because I reckon that's... Yeah, sure. So that's supposed to be worse. But look, that's level one done.

That is a weak source. It's very nice. Even Hartley is still in the rice. Is anyone out after that round? We're all still, because that one's a genuinely nice sauce. You know, you can have that with cooking. You can have that with French fries. It's just a nice little entry one.

These are for cooking. It doesn't make any sense. You can have it with cooking. Gabby, you're cool with that one? That one's fine. Yeah, but I also took like a minuscule amount. So I don't really know if my game even counts anymore. I might be cheating.

All right. So what we're going to move on to next is the next level of sauce, which is called Uncle Mungos, Mango Reaper, which measures at, well, what did we just do? 14,000? Yeah, so we've just made a nice small jump to 150,000. Whoa. This is level four of eight, so we're skipping.

Start your engines. Are you ready? I don't need to prove anything to any of you. Oh, that's... That's spicy. That's got some kick. That's pretty bad. We are so white.

We've got like bowls of yogurt and milk all over the table. I mean, it had a kick, but not that bad. I must say, like, I am pretty white. Really? That to me, that was a nice source. I'm still in there. I'm actually feeling rather proud of myself. Hartley's out.

Is Gabby out? The other question is, is those of us who are going on, does anyone need yogurt or milk, or are we going to keep going? I'm actually, I've already built up quite a sweat and I'm watering at the eyes. I feel like I've woken up. I feel awake. The next sauce is level six of eight,

and it's the chili seed bank berry bomb chili sauce. Oh, with berries. It's got a nice, sort of berry taste to it, and it is 950,000. Wow, so that's nearly a million. So just thinking about where we started at 14,000. This is probably as far as I'm going to go with this. So this is level six. This is level six of eight. So there's still one more.

You guys all all think you have COVID after this because you won't be able to taste anything. I just took a large swipe there and Loughlin just looked at me like, Are you crazy? Angus is going to count us in. Are you steady? We're ready. Are you smelly? Yep. I think the toilet will be after this. Level six, let's go. You can really taste the berry.

Look, it's always the case with these things, isn't it? It actually starts out being... Oh, that's all right. It's starting to ramp up now. I'm getting tingling in the top of my head. My nose is running. I'm fine because I decided to tap out when I was ahead, like a normal adult. That's less spicy than the other one.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, those are some fighting words there, champion. I wipe most of mine off and thank God. I did because it's starting to kick a bit now, but I'm fine. I'm actually... Things you can say in this studio, but not in the bathroom. But also, can I say, I think Hartley has cheated a little bit by just having a tiny... So I'm going to...

Oh my God, it is very hot. That one's... I'm going to have a super milk. Yeah, I'm going to go to milk now. I'm definitely feeling... Like, in top of my skull, it feels weird. It feels weird at the top of my skull. It's weird tingling's happening, yep.

And then it's sort of sore throat in the back, but I think that's just the... I'm in pain. I'm in pain. So this final sauce that we're doing is actually the sauce that Chili Bomb themselves have put together. And it stands at a whopping 1.7 million Scoval. And it comes in a black bottle. It's the only one that has a non-seatery-thru bottle. That's so cool.

So this one is the Chili Bomb Zambfire Reaper Scorpion Hot Sauce. Lachlan, reap me and then sting me with the scorpion sting. Here we go. My wife, just in case you're listening, the lawyers have my will. Oh my God. I would like to once again take this moment while all the men have. It's in their mouth to say that, can I have a pay raise or is now not a good time? It's not a good time.

Come on. What do you mean? It's growing. It's really going. I'm fine. It's got that taste where you just go, oh, this is just chilly and it's nothing else. Like, it's a really not very interesting taste. My nose is really going.

I feel like I've got a little bit of steam coming out of my nostrils. But, oh, it just hit the eye. Next. My eye just felt chilly. Oh, no. I've got a sort of. Hang on a second. Loughlin looks like he's in genuine pain here.

Okay, so I told the sponsors that while I am... Have some yogurt. Absolutely at the worst state. Before I eat any yogurt, I would tell our fans that they sent four $10 discount codes. Oh, my... The Chili Bum sent four $10 discount codes. And boy, am I sold on it, by the way. If anyone wants four discount codes, DM me at Loughlin J. Hodson on Twitter,

and I will send you products so that you can... buy chili bomb products online. Okay, now I can eat yogurt. Thank you so much. We've been doing this whole thing for a $10 discount card. That's pathetic. Yeah. I don't want to undermine the sponsor, but...

No, guys, go ahead. This is an eight for white people. I've got to be honest. I agree. This is not that bad. You guys know you don't actually have to prove that you're good, right? Like, we work here. We voluntarily turn up every day, knowing that you guys are our bosses.

You don't have to prove that you're any good. Oh. Oh. Oh, not that bad. I just wanted to feel something. Lachlan, thank you for subjecting us to this. I've now had sufficiently enough that I'm now feeling genuinely my mouth's on fire. And we have proved we're all men.

Sure. Our Gears and Road microphones were part of the ACAS, Crater Network, and my mouth fucking is on fire. Mine's fine. Bye. Gabby won this challenge.