The Chaser Report - Bill Shorten's $600K Zinger Generator

Episode Date: June 4, 2024

Charles and Dom take a look at the multiple scandals surrounding Bill Shorten, including his $600K speech writer, and the accounts of fraud in the NDIS. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gadigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser report with Dom and Charles. Charles, I come up with a fantastic new money-making scheme for The Chaser. Oh, lovely. Based on this Sydney Morning Herald headline from today. Drugs, alcohol, rent, holidays and cars. You like all those things.

Yeah, yeah, that's great. Integrity Chief reveals dodgy NDIS spending is a second half of the headline. Apparently, the NDIS is an absolute money-making machine as long as you're willing to conduct just a little bit of light fraud. Oh, right. Well, you know, that's due rigour. Sure. Do rigour. But then also in the news, Charles, the relevant minister for the NDIS, Bill Shorten, has apparently been paying some of that, not, you know, without fraud, $20,000 per speech.

Well, that, no, but that's, that's obvious, right? Because, like, so $20,000 per speech sounds like a lot of money, right? So it's probably like a $2,000 job, right? Yeah. But then she heard it was NDIS, and she had to bump up the figures. That's what happens. Oh, I see, just because it's about, well, I mean, how could you possibly write about the NDIAS without getting paid incredibly well for being involved with the NDIS?

Now, we should make clear that we're not against the NDIS, Dom. I feel quite passionate that there are lots of good outcomes that come from the NDAS. You know, like my family is particularly invested in this NDAS thing. Not at a drugs and although I'm going to look into that. Maybe that can be in the next plan that we do up for the NDAS. But there are lots of really good things about the NDAS. It's just that, well, let's just say the scheme was designed with the idealistic idea that no one would ever rip it off. Basically at this point, the national dodgy invoice scheme, as far as I can tell.

But, Charles, I'm sure there is virtue to be had in the scheme, and I'm sure you'll explain why in a moment, while we also talk about these extraordinary examples of apparent dodginess. Now, we should clarify the speechwriter thing, we're not saying that's dodgy because this person, Julianne Stewart, has been getting this money. Very, very qualified, has written for Rudd, Gillard, Abbott, and Turnbull. How do you get a job writing for all four of them when they all hate each other?

Like, literally two pairs of PMs who hate each other? And then how did Bill Shorten get someone so good for him? Well, I think, look, I don't know. But Tony Burke was on the radio yesterday morning, sort of trying to explain it without sort of justifying, without sort of saying, oh, yeah, this is great use of money. And what he was saying is that they couldn't find anyone for that job, right? It was the department's job to find somebody, right?

And they were looking around. And I imagine, like, I don't know, he didn't say this, but I imagine negotiations would get to a certain point with, you know, speechwriter. And then it'd be like, oh, and by the way, you'll be working with Bill Shorten. And suddenly it'd be like, oh, I'm a bit busy that week, you know. And so what happened was they were looking around and they just ended up having to pay what Tony called market rate, right? Like, the whole problem is, you know, when there's scarcity in the ability to supply employment services, say, for example, because the person you're going to have to work with is Bill Shorten. Oh, dear.

Suddenly, the price goes up and up and up. And the department had to find somebody. So it just got like, it just got to crazy money. And so they just went, we just have to get Julianne. She's worked for the two pairs of prime ministers who hate each other most. She can do anything. She can even do Shorten and not just short. but shortened talking exclusively about the NDIS.

And I think the thing is that, to her background is actually writing, like, little, what would they call, what are they called? Soap operas back in the 1980s. So she wrote Sons and Daughters for years, country practice. Oh, no, wonder she could deal with the last few prime ministers, if she's good with drama. All the melodrama. Oh, my God. Like, literally, she probably scripted it. She probably scripted the last 12 years.

She should get a credit for the killing season, shouldn't she? And what's the other one, the liberal one? What's that called? What was it called? Nemesis. And nemesis. Yes. I love this too.

This is, I mean, Angus Taylor has gotten absolutely stuck in to this one. Apparently, there were already two speech writers within the general team of 201 media and communication staff members. That's quite a lot. It was said to 2CC by Angus Taylor. But remember, part of the job, if you're writing a speech for Bill Shorten, is to come up with Zingers. Oh, yeah, that would need a big number. And if you break it down. So say, what is it?

It was $620,000 over the course of two years. Yes. So you're doing about $310,000 a year. Something like that. So that's less than $1,000 a day. Say he needs one zinger per day. That means it's $1,000 per gag. Now, you know, that's quite cheap.

For comedy writing. On the comedy circuit, you know, how many zingers do you have in your yearly festival show? would be probably, I don't know, a hundred zingers. Like a Bill Anderson. Yeah, you'd earn more than $100,000. Can I just check that you've heard Bill Shorten's zimmers? I question your suggestion that this is worth $1,000 a day. Here's a couple.

Mr. Morrison needs to make sure that he doesn't look like he's just a simp to Donald Trump. You know, I went to the brute face of capitalism the other day, the Apple Shop, and that was fatiguing. I just had a moment of one of us would like to be on the phones at Services Australia. The vaccine rollout in Australia is a shit show. The member of a cook is a bottomless well of self-pity. Man baby Nazis. All right.

So, look, let's move on from this. It's certainly, it's certainly interesting. You know who he should get to write his speech? Who? Rodney Rood. Oh, wow. Yes. Because Rodney does lots of corporate gigs and stuff.

Well, of course he does. Yeah, and I think same sort of level of quality of humour. You know what I mean? Like, sort of, like, I think it'd be the right, it's the right level. You're very mean to Rodney Rood. in that. I mean, the guy had a number one song at one point, didn't he? Anyway, look, in a moment

we'll move on to the more salacious stuff and then you can defend the NDIS because it helped your family, blah, blah, blah. All right. Okay, so back to the Herald article here. What apparently you do, the best way to make money out of this, Charles, is, and this is the Herald again, Natasia

Chrysanthos's article, dodgy providers have used the NDIS to take participants to ATMs to withdraw cash for illicit drugs, including heroin, cocaine and ice. I was wondering who is still using ATMs and cash these days. I mean, there's a big push on to keep cash. I mean, this is just rubbish.

I mean, like, I have no doubt that this happened, but this is nothing to do with the NDIS. This is not, this is, this is so stupid. This is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. So, I don't know, have you ever done any NDIS, you know, bureaucracy? No, I've not had to apply for the NDIS. So it was one point where it might have been on the cards, and fortunately it doesn't seem to have evolved that way.

So I am very glad that I haven't needed this, Charles. But before you get fired up, can I just tell you some more salacious data? No, but this is rather, this is, okay, go on. I mean, look, don't get me wrong. Like, I am definitely taking my therapists and, you know, all the service providers that we have to the local ATM. This is the thing. Everyone's saying you've got to keep cash.

What? There's a big push on to require people to accept cash. And I never have cash. I tap for everything, like a normal person in 2024. This is why we still have ATMs. But there's other things you can do with NDIS funding, Charles, according to this article. Others have been encouraging people to use their NDIS funding for holidays worth tens of thousands of dollars or spend it on alcohol, rent, gift vouchers and lifestyle purchases.

One participant used their plan to buy a $73,000 car and another spent $240,000 on personal expense. expenses including rent. Somebody bought a Tesla with this thing. Really? Well, 73 grand, aren't they? No, but, I mean, again, this is, like, I'm sorry. Like, I know that this is a great beat-up and everything. It sounds terrible.

And look, I love the idea that you can buy crack cocaine on the NDAs. But things like a $73,000 car, when you look into those ones, it's always things like, oh, well, some poor quadriplegic had to get a modified car because, you know, the only way they can get a, around is to modify some vehicle and that cost $73,000. And you look into it and it's all like, well, actually, that's completely fair enough. That's exactly what the NDIS was designed for. So, colour me sceptical on this sort of, you know.

Well, can I colour you unskeptical? Because this is a quote from budget estimates on Monday night. There was a fiery late night hearing. And the NDIS has a head of fraud and integrity called John Dardo. He said that at least five. of the scheme, more than $2 billion was being spent in error. And this is just on the car. So, examples in just the last week, he said, include a participant that bought a car,

brand new $73,000. The money was processed overnight. Now, and I'm still quoting, now, fortunately, when we were able to approach them, they understood that they should not, and they were willing to repay the money. So they just said, you can't spend $73,000 on a new car. And the person went, okay, and refund. of the money. So that's a happy ending. But then Dato then said, other participants cease contact and has ceased contact and refused to engage, probably because they're driving off into the

sunset. So there's clearly a problem. I mean, this is the point. 95% of it is legitimate and they're clearly trying to audit it to some degree, but that's a lot of fraud, $2 billion, $5%. Yeah, no, and it's in everyone's interest that be sort of closed down. I mean, or in some ways, I actually have the sort of counter opinion, which is I kind of feel like I've been using the NDAS in the wrong way. Oh, yeah. Well, this is an education for you, isn't it? Because what I was going to explain to you is that there's no way you could commit fraud,

because what you've got to do is you've got to upload all the fucking invoices to the portal before they get paid. Like the whole thing is this bureaucratic nightmare, because you're going to keep track of every single expense and, you know, account for it and everything like that. But clearly you don't. Clearly, you just, you know, show up with an ATM receipt for $500 that you got out to buy some meth. And then they pay on. I mean, I think you're, all I can say, Charles, is that you're clearly on the wrong plan.

Yes. You're on the upload receipts for things that are actually needed in your family situation. You need the ATM cash drugs plan. Yes. The Chaser Report, news a few days after it happens. Look, if we're wanting to sort of come up with someone to blame, I think we should definitely just blame Bill Shorten anyway. I mean, he's a good person to blame for lots of things.

Everyone blames him for losing the 2016 election. Everyone blames him for losing the 2019 election. Everyone blames him for buying a speechwriter. But the thing is, the whole idea behind the scheme is so stupid, right? Because the whole idea is let's bring the market. economy to providing, you know, disability services, right? Which at one level, you go, okay, there's a sort of dignity there, which means that everyone gets their own individualised plan.

But actually, the result is an incredibly bureaucratic piece of shit where obviously fraud can happen because, I don't know how many people, the NDIS, you know, employees in their head office. But, you know, like, judging from the amount of invoices, we have to process each year as of family, it would be, like, they must be, there must be billions of invoices per year. Like, because they're all just, they're small sums of money, it's $35 here, $45 here, $55 there. And then suddenly, and it's like billion, like it's tens of billions of dollars worth of $50 receipts. Yeah.

So, of course, it's, you just can't possibly deal with that. Oh, unless we get chat GPT onto the, you could. Just put all the receipts into it. It'll do it. And I'm actually not entirely joking because apparently some AIs are very good at tabulating receipts and producing your table. Well, you just put it through zero. It does all the AI for you. I'm quoting again, Charles.

And I really think you're just stuffing it up here because he said some of the channels that participants can claim through require no ABN, no description, no word, nothing. They can put in a dollar amount and they get paid. Wow. So clearly that's what's needed. Yeah, we're on the, we don't have the gold card or whatever. Yeah, you're on the check the receipts. seats plan. Yeah.

Fuck. How stupid is that? But look, there are a couple of points to make about this. And the Green Senator Steele John, who I believe lives with disability, said that this is going to create massively to discrimination against disabled people. It's a scheme of 660,000 people. And there will be some people who are doing the wrong thing. But then you demonise everybody for this.

And then there's a narrative here. and he accused it shortened, actually, of briefing members of parliament and using these examples of scare tactics to get them to support legislation to crack down and all this stuff. Yeah, so I think that's right, because they're looking for savings

because they've got to fund orkers and who better to get the money off than the people who are least able to defend themselves. Well, this is the thing. But Charles, also just on the basis of this whole idea of the market and the receipts and there are a million little service providers for the NDIS. I mean, you're always driving around,

you see all these vans saying NDIS and NDIs that. Yeah. And the one bit of contact I had with a particular business, I won't say what sector it's in, but I mean, they were clearly charging to their hilt and expecting that everyone would just get it back

from the NDIS. We couldn't believe the fees they were charging for their services. It's because it's a uniquely inflationary system. It's like a voucher system because the person who's spending the money doesn't actually like care what the price is. Yeah. So it's like what does it matter if we charge $600 an hour?

not paying $600 an hour. But Charles, instead of the issue here, like instead of the government going, okay, we need a whole lot of, you know, occupational therapists to, you know, fund, to deal with a whole lot of disabilities coming through. Let's train up a whole lot of occupational therapists. They just go, well, we'll just let the market do that side of things and we'll just throw a whole lot of money at it and hopefully people will convert to OT specialists. But instead, what happens is there's a massive short.

of OTs and speech theorems or whatever you need and the price skyrocket and that's it and so you just have to spend and that's the market. That's the efficiency of the market charge which we know is much better than government of course but the other thing that I'm just thinking about

is the purchasing side of this right like if the government needs and I presume it does tens of thousands of wheelchairs to be bought through the NDA it's a massive number of wheelchairs look at how the PBS works here with there's a single payer we managed to get a cheap price for medications And it's far cheaper for pharmaceuticals in Australia than it is in other countries

because you just have to negotiate with the government. But it seems like what would happen here, and correct me if I'm wrong, is that everyone would go and buy their own wheelchairs from any supplier. And there's essentially no competition as long as they can all charge the full, you know, rate or whatever. And there's no sense of, well, hang on, this is public money. Let's try and get the best price for all of them. We tell the suppliers we're going to have, we're going to be buying thousands of your wheelchairs. Give us a good damn deal.

Yes. No, exactly. And look, there are people who will say, you know, one of the good things about that system is that everyone gets their own bespoke wheelchair that specifically suits their needs. But there's a way, there's a middle ground there. Like, you know, there's a way to sort of go, okay, you are the official supply, you're going to give us, you know, X number of wheelchairs for X number of dollars. They'd have enough information to know what sort of modifications would be necessary or they can fund those modifications on the side of that big. a deal. Yes.

There are ways and means to not... It comes from a certain philosophy, which is that the government shouldn't do anything other than hand out money. Just unleash the market for its efficiency. And it makes me, Charles, that if people are going to use NDIS money to buy illicit drugs, you need a single payer system. Yes. You've got to get the best deal.

This thing is everyone just using ATM money to go and get ice from whoever the local meth dealer. No. We need a proper procurement process where you have multiple tenders and you get a good deal. Well, it's funny you should say that because that now segues into the other story that's out today, which is that the largest single shipment of psychedelics ever in the history of humanity is currently on its way. And it's done in a deal. It's a single-payer thing.

The Australian government has just bought a huge amount of psychedelics from Canada. and they're on their way. And it's a legal shipment. Is this this neat thing where certain conditions can be prescribed MDMA? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, not just MDMA, but psilocybin. The largest ever shipment in the history of humanity. And it's the Australian government who's done it.

So isn't that pretty cool? They're bringing in mushrooms and they're bringing in MDMA. MDMA, yeah. Now, I now feel the way that you did about making fun of the NDIS because I've talked to a few kind of medical experts who have said, actually, in all sincerity, this is a really good idea for things like PTSD. Oh, really? And I, yeah, absolutely.

And quite a few doctors have said how good of... I'm just suffering from a bit of PTSD, actually. Oh, how dare you, Charles. You go and use your NDIS to go and buy some weed or something. So look, there's a lot of fraud. Some of the fraud's funny. It doesn't mean the system's broken necessarily, but it certainly means, as even this Dato guy, the head of integrity for the NDIIS,

he says they might need to improve some of their systems as it evolves. You think? Yeah, yeah. Or just change this. Like, isn't the whole problem that, you know, if you've got a tiny problem of 5% of your people are ripping you off, that actually, you know, maybe, maybe the guy who designed it is not the person who should be now trying to fix it. I'll tell you what, Charles. There's a clear solution.

All you need to do is take all these problems, hand them to the speed. speechwriter and they can actually earn $20,000 for their speech with a model on how to fix all of this. Figuring it out. Unfortunately, Bill Shorten will then deliver it and no one will want to support it. But at least the ideas will be on paper. Our gear is from Road. We're part of the Oconocles Network.

And I'm just hitting down to the ATM. I bet you are.