The Chaser Report - Bill Shorten's Shitshow | Victoria Zerbst

Episode Date: July 13, 2021

The former Labor Leader gives his sweary opinion of the vaccine rollout – and our podcast. Plus, Victoria Zerbst (The Feed) tries to cheer up Dom and Charles with how awful her lockdown experience is, we look at some of the silliest COVID fines this week, and Charles reveals a literally random way to kill time. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome the Chaser Report for Wednesday, the 14th of July. Hello, Charles Firth. How are you coping? I'm hating every single moment of my day. So much the same? Yeah, yeah, it is. You've got a young kid, don't you? Yeah, my three-year-old.

They need constant attention, don't they? Yeah, when I do something else for a minute or two, she generally does the most dangerous thing possible. And your wife has an actual proper job. She has an actual proper job, that's right. Yeah, so it's incumbent on you who has no actual proper job. Yes. To look after her, what, 23 and a half hours a day? Yeah, you know, when you put it like that, Charles,

my instance seems kind of depressing. But the whole thing is, Dom, that makes me feel better because I've got a 10 and a 12-year-old, so they're not nearly as hard as a 3-year-old. and most of our listeners feel better. So you're sort of doing a community service by being in such a shit-house position. That's true. In fact, Charles, we have had a quest to find the person who's having the shittest time during lockdown.

And Trale, we've got Victoria Zurbist from the feed, by the way, coming up. We'll see how she's travelling. But I reckon I'm a pretty strong contender, to be honest. As much I love my daughter, it's hard work. Yeah, and you can't even say it. Now, go outside, go to the park. Yeah, it's true. My life does suck.

I think tomorrow we'll ring you and find out how you're going. Also coming up on today's show, Bill Shorten is back in the news because he called the vaccine rollout a shit show. In fact, there's a bit of Bill in this episode. He's helping us with our sponsorship today. But first of all, let's go to Rebecca Day in a minnow with the Chaser News headlines. Former Prime Minister Kevin Rudd has continued to throw shade at Scott Morrison by completing an incident-free purchase of a Big Mac value meal at Engadine McDonald's. The move comes after escalating tensions between. between the two over who is doing a better job managing the vaccine rollout.

But Morrison has slammed Rudd in response, telling the press that if Rudd was truly doing his job for him, Rudd would already be in Hawaii by now. Sky News host Peter Credlin has ripped off the New South Wales Premier's mask to reveal that Gladys Berrigliin was, in fact, Dan Andrews all along. The Sky News host says she grew suspicious of the New South Wales Premier after she started implementing health orders to protect the public, much like a dictator would do. The furious Dan Andrews cursed Credlin, declaring he would have gotten away with the lockdown if it weren't for those meddling journalists. As New South Wales enters their third week of

lockdown, questions have begun to swirl about why the state's caseload has swelled to its highest numbers since March 2020. Speaking yesterday, Premier Gladys Berrigliin stressed that her government is doing its best to dodge all responsibility, warning, at this critical juncture, anyone could potentially catch the blame. That's the latest Chaser News you can't trust. I'm Rebecca Deunamuno. Today's episode of The Chaser Report is brought to you by me, Bill Shorten, because the only, do I really have to say it?

All right, because the only shit show, bigger than Australia's vaccine rollout, is this podcast. Charles, yet another day in lockdown in Sydney. Yes, it's great. Well, the one thing that we have to entertain us, us. And this was true last year, and I'm so glad that it's back again this year, is the absolute idiocy that some people are getting up to try and avoid all of the restrictions, which last year gave us a segment that I'm very happy to bring back today.

Vine Watch. Oh, great. I love this segment. This is like my favourite segment, because this is just a segment of stupid people. It is. And last year, it was all Melbourneians, you know, going across town. for a butter chicken and stuff like that. But today we have Sydney Siders doing dumb things. The police on Monday find 15 men who were playing volleyball in a park in Canley Vale. Well, I suppose it was outside.

How did they think that that would not be seen as a coordinated group activity? Like the rule is too. It was their excuse to the gobs. Oh, well, I just, you know, saw a ball falling down towards me and so I hit it. Yeah. I couldn't let it touch the ground officer. And we were all hearing groups of two And then accidentally

We just all started playing volleyball So did they get fined? Like what happened? Yeah, they all got a thousand dollar fine each So geez Yeah, lucrative day for the state's coffers there There were also some people in St Peter's Four people got together to have a drink

And their excuse was that they hadn't seen each other in years If you haven't seen someone in years You know, just wait until There are $1,000 fines against catching up To catch up. That's the time to do it. Yeah, definitely don't FaceTime. There's also a wonderful one here.

This is a two part one, Charles. In Randwick, there was a man walking around. Yeah. And he was visiting someone. And the police said, what are you doing here? And he said, I'm delivering a package. There was just one problem. Yeah.

He didn't have a package. Well, is that because he was delivering a type of package that you could easily conceal in your pocket? It's possible he had a package, inverted commas, and they entered the home and then found a man

hiding behind the shower curtain in the bathroom. What? There were eight people at the property in total. Right. So the package guy was clearly going to the party

without his package and then there was a guy hiding behind a shower curtain to try and avoid cops. Amazingly, they managed to penetrate his clever hiding place. I reckon, look, hot tip,

if you are going to have a party. I think getting into the shower is a good idea, but I think you've got to commit to it. You've got to get naked. And then if they say, hang on, there's a whole lot of other people here at your house. You just go, oh, I had an idea. I was just in the shower the whole time. Sorry, I've been shampooing my hair. Possibly the most impressive effort in terms of sheer scale, Charles, was on, I think, Sunday night, where police received reports of a forward range of damaging no less than five parked cars at an intersection in Merrickfield at 2.40 a.m. They managed to intercept the vehicle and found a guy.

And they took it to the police station and the breathalyzer got 0.207. Oh, no. And, I mean, if you're going to get out and drink drive, you may as well take five cars with you, I reckon. It's what they call a blazer. I mean, if that was a fast and furious movie, he'd be getting signed for the sequel. Yeah. Look, I think there's an easy excuse for that one, which is just, sorry, cops, I was just drinking the hand sanitizer. I wanted to be COVID safe. That's a very good idea.

That's probably the bogan end of the scale, Charles. But then at the other end of the scale, four people from Sydney were fine massively after trying to enter Queensland on a super yacht. Yes. Oh, I saw this one. And they faked their paperwork. They all went up there to watch the rugby, would you believe? So, but how did they get caught if they fake the paperwork? That seems very plausible. Hello. The police don't generally stop rich people who are headed to the wallabies in a

sippiote, do they? This is unusual. You know what it was. Somebody tipped off the police. If you're trying to hide in Queensland and you don't regularly go, Queensland, you get detected pretty easily, I think. The floor in their plan was that they were going for the blues. They all got a $4,000 fine.

Or as they call it, an hour's work. An hour's work, exactly right. Two more wants to touch on quickly, Charles. There's a guy in Sydney, Tom Lee. He hasn't been fine yet, but I'm sure it's going to happen. He somehow managed to register for both AstraZeneca and Pfizer. So he's had double shots of both. He's the most vaccinated person in Australia.

Yeah. He's a hogger. Australians don't like hoggers. And he's put it all on social media. What? Why? What an idiot? He just turned up to the vaccination centres and just got the shot. So perhaps this is the floor in everyone's plan.

Everyone's been using the online booking tool. This guy just rocks up. Just turn up. Oh, we're such idiots. We've been following the rules. You don't get anywhere following the rules, Charles. And finally, I think this is the saddest fine of all. Yes.

In Roselle, in Sydney, West, there's a drive-through testing centre. And a nurse who spent a whole day testing people in PPE at high. risk. She went back to her car and found a $275 parking fine. Oh, what? No. And it turns out that parking inspectors are essential workers at the moment. Oh, shit. Oh, fuck, hold on. I just got to go and move my car. No, but that's shit. There's no way that that should be allowed. In what world? Is that fair? I suppose the government has to pay to run the COVID clinic somehow. That's true. The worker pay system. It's an unusual approach. She was charged for blocking a driveway and I can see there's a photo here on news.com.com. She's literally about five centimetres over the line. Like in no universe

is that reasonable. No, that is not reasonable. And anyway, like no one needs to use their driveway at the moment anyway because we're not allowed to go anywhere. So anyway, I presume in the following day, the parking inspector found themselves with someone wiping COVID all over them. As they wonder about their rounds. Yeah, if there's one person who's got easy access to COVID, it's that nurse. Hi, I'm Bill Shorten, and I'm here to tell you that the Chaser report is a total shit show and that the vaccine rollout is totally cluster. You know, you just swore twice to the whole nation?

Oh, come on, fellas. Not that many people actually listen to this podcast, do they? So all week, we've been trying to find people who have it worse than us under lockdown. And it's been a bit of a mixed bag, hasn't it, Dom? Yeah, Mark Humphrey's yesterday with shingles crippling half of his face and a massively bloodshot eye. I felt that was roughly as bad as me having my toddler all day. But he also has young children.

So I think he's ahead. Whereas Jenna in hotel quarantine, that was a doddle. Oh, yeah. She was just having it good. She keeps posting photos of her food. And I just go, I want to be in hotel quarantine with her. Even if it means moving to Queensland. Anyway.

Who have we got today? So we've got Victoria. Victoria Zerpsed from the feed on the line. Victoria, how's your lockdown going? Oh, look, you know, I'm in really idealic situation. I've got a really nice kind of place at the yard, and yet my brain is like a toddler. I feel like an animal.

How so? Well, I just can't function like a normal person. Like I literally have to set the expectations of myself to behave like a domesticated pet. I eat, I shit, I get taken for walks, I groom myself. I cannot meet deadlines, and I do not need to call my mom because that's not what pets do. And so who takes you for a walk? It's usually my girlfriend, because you're allowed to have a partner.

This is the thing is I feel very lucky in that sense. Like, you know, we can still go between houses for compassionate needs. But she has to full-blown, like, she goes, walkies, walk time, get out of bed. But you know what? I actually like that. I think that, we're going to keep that. That's fun. But the rest of it is.

Does she lure you with like sweets and things? Like my dog, you just got to wave like yoga drops in front of him. He does whatever you want. Yeah, no, she lures me with caffeine. Well, the promise of caffeine. She goes, walkies, out of bed. Let's get the coffee. And then we keep going.

And then once I'm up, that's pretty good. And do you have to prove to the police that you are, in fact, going out with her? Like, if they, you know, see you together on the street, do they try and arrest you? and you've got to say, oh, no, no, we're going out and kiss or something? No, no, no, we make out, and then they just clap. They just clas. The police say love is love, and then they let us go. Which is not necessarily as tolerant as New South Wales Police always historically have been, is it?

No, it's just a front. It's pink washing. We're still ACAB, but they let us have this one, you know? That's nice, I suppose. Any bit of progress counts, isn't it? Well, that sounds, like my dog, I reckon has a better distance than I do at this point. He just sits around until, like, food is brought to him. He gets to go for walks.

He doesn't have the existential angst of lockdown and of COVID. Well, no, exactly. So I've literally said to myself, I just have, I give myself the same expectations as a pet. Because I think the problem is that we just think that we just have to keep going and do all our stuff. but the dog just is in absolute bliss and ignorance. So I love myself just sit in that. And literally I just, I call, you know, what this is now, the comedy and the work stuff, that's vomit. That's the excretion.

You know, I can still excrete because pets can excrete, but nothing else. This sounds very much to me like you know that your employer is going to listen and it's your excuse for not meeting your deadline. That's what it sounds like to me, Victoria. probably i don't but what are they going to do well they can't come over i i just feel like i'm going to say well i but i'm a little dog what are you going to tell this dog bad dog okay then what i mean it's both a very useful analogy for controlling the things that you can control which is what people say you should do during a crisis and yet also potentially a massive cry for help i'm not sure which one it is at this point victoria oh both of them wraps in a little

present, raps in a little bell. I don't know. It's both. And you know what? It's fine. I have a girlfriend. So that's all that matters. Well, Victoria, thank you so much.

I think I feel like we have it better than you. Part of me thinks that any psychologist in the country would be like, this is exactly what you're meant to do. Find a coping mechanism. And if it means thinking of yourself as an animal, that's okay. They're a worse thing. It's better than doom scrolling 12 hours a day, which is what I'm doing. I think I think I'm fairly content

And I do think that Like I think this is kind of nice But I think it's nice for me But maybe not great for everyone around me That's their lockdown to deal with you know Look it could be worse Charles we've failed again Victoria's doing better than we are

And look as our little gift to you Victoria As I'm walking past your house tonight Stop off a can of power Okay That sounds so good, thank you We interrupt the Chaser report To cross live to New South Wales

health minister Brad Hazard's COVID press conference. On essential work, I'd like to ask you this, but as you'd be aware, there's no definition of what is and isn't essential work. Will you define what is and isn't essential work? James, you've asked that question in regard to what is essential work a number of times. And what we've indicated is that to try and define that is very challenging. But I think in terms of essential work, the answer is use common sense. We interrupt this conference to cross live to an emergency message from the RFS.

Yes, there is a bushfire somewhere in New South Wales, but working out how it will spread and which communities need to be immediately evacuated is very challenging. So we'll leave it up to the common sense of the public. We now cross live to the anti-terrorism squad as they respond to an active bomb threat at Burke Street Mall. While our bomb squad is specifically trained for these instances, safely disarming a bomb is very challenging. So we implore the public to use their common sense in diffusing the bomb themselves. We interrupt the bomb threat to cross back to Brad Hazard's press conference.

Mr Hazard, could we define the New South Wales government's handling of this lockdown as a complete shit show? What we've indicated is that to try and define that is very challenging. But I think the answer is, use common sense. Hey guys, listen, is there a podcasting union? Someone should really be regulating this shit show. The Chaser report brought to you by me, Bill Shorten, because I am the scathing. Notological Shakespeare. Before we go, I just wanted to share with you a little game that I've devised to help waste away the hours for my 10-year-old.

I desperately need one of those. Thank you, Charles. Yeah, so my 10-year-old, he sort of wanted to sort of get a bit more information. Like, he wanted something that gave him a little bit of, he's got this real thirst for knowledge at the moment. And so we have this game. This is honestly true where I open a random page of Wikipedia. can actually go to Wikipedia and on the front page, you click a button and it just sends you to a random page of Wikipedia. And then I ask him facts based on the knowledge that's in

that Wikipedia page. And he has to guess the answers. And it's so interesting because he sort of never gets them right, but he loves it. And then you sort of prompt him and help him get along. And then eventually he sort of stumbles across the. answer with enough prompting, and then he feels really good about knowing Wikipedia. Is this going to turn into, am I smarter than your 10-year-old child? I'm just priming him to win one of those gold goblets on Mastermind. Well, let's try it now. Why don't you just open a browser?

Yeah, I'll try it out on you, see if this. It's actually surprisingly fun, because you, look, I don't know anything either. Maybe the podcast during lockdown will just devolve into discussion of random Wikipedia pages. So you click on random article. Oh, here we go. This is the sort of article that you want. Coenzyme B, sulfethyl, biotransferase. Yeah, I guess the first hurdle is, can you pronounce the title of the page?

Not what I'm sure you've cleared there, Charles. So in enzymology, what does the particle that I just mentioned, but I'm not going to try and pronounce again, refer to? Does it catalyze your podcast into needing a rapid outro? It catalyzes the final step in the formation of methane, Dom. That is actually a completely legitimate note I wish to end our podcast, which, before we produce any more methane, let's pull the pin. If you want more news, chaser.com.com is the place to go around the clock.

You can follow us on our social platforms. You may leave a comment, Charles, pronounce the page again, because that's got to be the code word. You can actually, look, you can just call it methyl-coenzyme M reductrine. if you want it. That's its nickname. If anyone actually can prove to us that they've left a five-star review

with that word correctly spelled, what merchandise will we post out to them, Charles? We'll give them the Chaser toilet paper. We've got a four-pack of Chaser toilet paper. You can buy it on chasershop.com. The first one person who leaves a five-star review with that word correctly spelled gets free chaser toilet paper, which you probably won't need to give out.

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