The Chaser Report - Birthday Fit For A King

Episode Date: June 15, 2025

In the wake of Trump's birthday parade this weekend (and ignoring all the wars that just started) Charles is inspired by the President/King/Emperor on how to improve his upcoming 50th bday bash. Plus Dom exposes Charles' favourite ever joke.---Follow us on Instagram: @chaserwarSpam Dom's socials: @dom_knightSend Charles voicemails: @charlesfirthEmail us: [e-mail] our caviar addiction: https://chaser.com.au/support/ Send complaints to: [e-mail] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gadigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Jaser Report with Dom and Charles. Charles, things have gotten a bit serious, a bit complicated in the world. I try to look for silver linings. I can't remember how many wars have broken out since we last talked on Friday. It's hard to keep track. Donald Trump's golden age of peace and prosperity with instant deals being done.

resolve the world's problems. They're pending. I'm told they're pending, Charles. Do you remember when America was a functioning liberal democracy? I think that was on Monday, wasn't it? Well, that's, was that when it was great? Is that the great deal making it again? But look, Charles, I try and find positive.

Try and find silver linings in all this. And the great thing I can tell you in today's episode is that I've got a very good idea for your birthday. It's your big five-o coming up. Yes, my big five-o. And I've been really procrastinating. on sending out the invites. Fear not, because a brilliant idea is at hand after the ads.

Okay. By the way, we've been working on a way to address the whole thing where our ad-free podcast is noise ad-free and our bonus episodes don't arrive. We'll get on to that. Yeah, yeah. A couple of days time, we've got some stuff to announce on that front, just to mention it. Anyway, your birthday, Charles, the big 50th. I mean, we're going to have, are we going to do 50 podcasts in episodes?

We should live stream from the, from the birthday page. Oh, amazing. Yes, everyone would love that. Yes, everyone would love that. So the most, I think the most tasteful and appropriate, and just fun thing to do on a big birthday. Yes. They just throw two words at you.

Oh, yeah. Military parade. Yes, because, like, Trump, yes. This is his 79th birthday. Yes. I mean, there is a slight fig leaf of relevance in that he, it is actually the same day as the 250th anniversary of the US Army. Yes.

But we know that ever since Trump visited Paris on, Bastille Day, he's wanted a massive military parade. I mean, he's just a guy who likes tanks, Charles. He likes tanks rolling down the street and other aircraft flyovers. Well, who doesn't? No, he doesn't. So I think for you, Charles, in the

main street of, I'm thinking Glebe Point Road. Yes. You spent most of your life in the Sydney suburb of Glebe, as people who know you will know. I think it'd be perfect to shut it down. It's pretty sleepy these days anyway. Oh, well, I mean, the centralisation of retail has shut down Glebe Point Road. Yeah.

And so, I mean, there's the Broadway, there's a shopping center called Broadway Up One End, which is one of the busiest in the whole of Australia, I think. And that's killed the neighborhood beautifully well. Beautifully well. So if tanks roll down, that will be fine. It weren't inconvenience anyone. No. I'm thinking flyovers.

And what I'd like to happen is people just bear with me, indulge me. We go through the whole, the Gleap Point road. We roll down to Glebe Point. We all gather there. We parked the tanks and all the other military equipment. I love this because it's got nice water views. Beautiful water views. And then from the water, majestically, an orca sub emerges.

We just borrow it from America for the day. It's obviously not going to be actually an Australian sub. Because otherwise that would be like my 80th birthday. Yeah, yeah. One of the Virginia class subs emerges from the water. And you go aboard and inspect the fleet. Yes. And I think what better way.

I mean, friends, family, whatever. Military hardware, that's what you want on your birthday, Jason. Yeah, but what's the flyover? What's the, like, we've got the. subs? What's the planes? Well, I know you're a fan of Virgin, Virgin Australia. Yeah, yeah. You're in the lounge and all that. I think we could arrange for that to happen, couldn't we? Yeah. It mightn't be on time. It might sort of turn up a couple

hours later. Well, Rex is in need of a bit of a buck. Yeah, Rex could do it. But also the last time you and I took Virgin Australia together, Charles, we ended up in, I think, in a completely different city. We were flying from Adelaide to Sydney and we ended up in Melbourne for a long period. So I can't guarantee that the Virgin flyover won't take place in Melbourne rather than Sydney. But I think it'd be a lovely way to celebrate your birthday. And the great thing about it is that we want to time it for the very moment, if you don't mind, when conflict is breaking out, new conflict is breaking out across the world.

To have the very tasteful vision of you happily inspecting military hardware when similar military hardware is being used to kill people in other parts of the world. I think that's a juxtaposition we want to lean into. And that also your troops are being deployed. to be used against your own civilians. Of course, so that bit of it as well. On the other side of the country. We've got to work out how to where to deploy the ADF.

I mean, based on your commentary in the podcast, I think Adelaide's the place you'll probably focus on. It's your birthday. Charles, where do you want the ADF to be deployed to do law enforcement on the streets? The only thing is I'm not sure, like, there's a real risk with deploying the ADF to Adelaide that they'd become incredibly bored and committed military. coup just to get out of there. Just something's happening.

Yeah, just to make something happen. They could go down in the vineyards. Couldn't they do a bit of a wine tour? Yeah. I feel like, like what's the worst? I mean, surely Brisbane. Surely you want to ask the Gold Coast. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yes, or where there's, you know, like, where's Ipswich or Logan? Logan, yeah, the Gold Coast, Logan. That's where we go. The important point is that I have no idea where Logan is. And we arrest property to. developers in, like it can be a sort of counter-revolute. You've got to arrest a senator. This is what's happening now.

Is you just arrest, they identify themselves as senators and you arrest while trying to conduct a peaceful protest. For asking a question. During your press conference. Yes. During a time when you've literally said any questions. Which senator, Charles, would you arrest? Oh, there's so many to choose for it, isn't there?

Yeah, it's tricky. You want to, who's the most smug? It's like Sarah and Hansen Young or something like that. Really? Larissa Waters or, you know, one of those. of the Greens. People who... Because it's easy to pick on them as well

because, you know, they'd spend their whole trial just telling you how right they are. They'd be the most upset about it. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. They'd be infuriated. I mean, if you want to get a good soundbite on the news.

What about Jacinda Price? Is she a senator? Yeah, she's. Yeah, yeah. From Northern Territory. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we could arrest her. Well, also, if you want a good sound bite,

though, if you want a really good, a spicy reaction, Jackie Lambie would give you the best soundbite. Oh, she'd be perfect. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Jackie Lambie. Okay, Jackie Lambie. That's what we're doing. Arresting Jackie Lambie.

So this is your birthday sort of out, Charles. But there's so, this is a kind of, I thought this would be a way to get into all the things going on because, A, there's just too much today to even get your head around. And B, there's not a whole lot of humor on offer. It's just wall-to-wall awfulness. I mean, you're saying that that's like what my birthday is going to be. Like your birthdays, I've always been. Yeah, just thinking back on birthdays in the past. Yeah, yeah.

It's very much like a Middle East war. I mean, we'll tell you about Charles' favourite joke after this, but it's kind of appropriate for an era of mass confrontation on the ground. What's my favourite joke? You're a favourite joke of all time, known well to all of your dearest friends, but not to yourself. Is that with the beer coaster? It's with the beer coaster.

The Chaser Report, news you can't trust. Look, I don't think you think it's funny. I think you think it's funny that you always think pretend that it's funny. Is that, right? No, because I think that, like, sometimes... If you do it with the right level of shock... So, you better explain. The joke is...

You're in a pub. Towards the end of the night, it's Charles's birthday. There's a beer coaster on the... Just a bit soggy. Probably a bit soggy. And I just, you know, remove a little nose-sized portion. It's like a V shape, yeah. And then you put it on your nose.

And it sticks... they're quite convincingly. And then the key with this comedy is, if you take a moment, just put yourself in the position, Charles, we know you're a, you know, lorded performer. Yeah. Can you give us a little bit of a rendition? Well, yeah, exactly. Everyone's, you know, like just chatting or whatever.

And then you look around it and you got to have a real look of surprise and shock on your face and sort of a little indignation. And you go, who threw that? No, who through, no, seriously, guys, who threw that? Guys, this isn't funny. Charles's been doing this for the vast majority of his 50 years on the planet. I think, did it debut 18, 19? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. So it's at least 30 years plus. Oh, yeah. And still, I guess the one sad piece is you still don't know through it. It's a question that could be impossible to answer. Anyway, so that's your birthday. But in terms of actually talking about the terrible thing, I mean, where do we even start? Well, you can't start with the assassination because it's too.

That's horrible. Awful, yeah, the person posing as a police officer in the US to assassinate Democrat lawmakers. Yeah, let's pass that one right over. There's any one that we feel comfortable? I mean, the military parade we've obviously addressed somewhat, but then California is still absolutely kicking off. Well, it's been curfew. Yeah, so the streets, I mean, and Los Angeles is one of the places where Australians go. I mean, they should have this sort of stuff, you know, in the fly of estates.

One of the great pieces of footage that came out just over the last few days that was actually in New York, which I found hilarious, even though. No, it's actually genuinely depressing and horrible. I don't know whether you saw it, but there was footage of this Ecuadorian tourist who was in town in New York with her 12-year-old daughter. Yeah. And so she, and there was some for car.

I think that there were little protesters or something like that. I need to talk to you about that actually in a moment. Yeah. There's an issue with, I've just realized, with the grand plan. But anyway, yep. Yeah. So there were a whole lot of protesters. And so there were some ICE officials sort of.

sort of looking on at this fracar that was going on. US immigration customs enforcement, yeah. And she wanted to know how to get, I think she wanted to know how to get to Times Square or something like that, they were sort of in Midtown. Oh, that's... She walks up to the ice officer...

Has detention. And says, excuse me, ask for directions, you know, and they immediately arrest her. I mean, of course. And the footage is, I mean, it's terrible. It's just so terrible, because she's shouting in Spanish,

Mejia, mehia, which is my daughter, my daughter, as she gets led away. The daughter, the 12-year-old daughter was left on the streets of New York alone. For her own safety, Charles. For her own safety. And then it took eight hours for this poor tourist to sort of prove that she was just a tourist. It's probably also important to note that some of the law enforcement officers would have understood what mehia means, my daughter. And actually that would have made her more guilty in their eyes. Yes.

Yes, she was bringing in an anchor daughter. An anchor daughter, exactly. So, Charles, this does remind me of one of the issues with this whole plan that I've just done the military parade down Glepoint, right. I'm not saying we're not going to do it. Yeah. You just need to know there might be a little bit of blowback. There may be, if we do this in every state of Australia, protests against my birthday party. That would be, but see, I mean, isn't the whole point that Trump operates on the idea that you don't really.

Yeah, you don't really exist unless people are paying attention to you. Well, this is a new level for him, because not only are there anti-Trump protests across the whole of America right now, but there's also, there's a theme, and the theme is no king. Yeah. And so the point that a lot of people, a lot of lefties are actually protesting about the idea of him being a king, that's got to make him feel like a king, doesn't it? Oh, yeah, absolutely.

I mean, he's never been at a level. No one's ever protested against him because he's a king before. Yeah. They protest against him because he's a president, don't like him, whatever before. Never, I mean, this is a whole other level of people hating. Yeah, he's levelled up. For being a king. Yeah.

I mean, what next? No emperor. No God. Yeah. No world dictator. I don't know what the next level is above this. So I have an absolutely hot take about how I think this is all going to pan out geopolitically across the globe for decades to come. Oh, we still haven't done the Charles theory in coming sting.

But, Lachlan, if you could just do a little attention. Charles Theory Incoming How possibly Sting, that would be really great Okay, so this is, and I think what we're seeing is, and you know, I think over the past sort of 80 years

or so, the world has become very used to almost every international event being brokered through nation states, right? Yeah, that's been the dominant political grouping. Does it go back to the Treaty You've West failure or something, Charles?

I don't know. Well, yes. But, yeah, so, yeah, you're right. Like, nationalism has been growing for, you know, hundreds of years. Yeah. But actually, it really had, it was the 20th century was the year where nationalism just completely, I mean, there were two world, wars foot over, you know, nationalist ideology. Indeed.

Right. And I think what you're seeing at the moment is a sort of a fracturing of the sort of predominance of the nation's state. And this is my big prediction, this is my hot prediction, which is there are no honest brokers who can actually get communication with a completely sort of trusted intermediary between Iran and Israel, right? If you think about it, so there's Jewish nation on one side, Muslims on another side. Now, normally you'd have America, but America have so squarely backed Israel. Israel and everything, that's not going to be the thing.

And Trump... Well, did you see Nanyahu's speech today, just now, where he essentially said, our war is your war, our victory is your victory. We're doing this for you so you don't have to. So he's absolutely pushing that line. It's tail wagging the allies. Tail wagging the door. I mean, in the past, the Qataris have been a bit of a go-to.

Certainly between Israel and Gaza, but I somehow can't see... I mean, Donald Trump does get on one with Qataris, as we've discussed before. Can they play a role, church? So I think... Well, I think the problem is... is that, you know, like, ideally, it wouldn't be a Jew or a Muslim. Like, like, you sort of, like, and you look at the Chinese and you go, maybe them, but they're aligned with Iran.

Like, they've got very tight oil relationships with Iran. But my theory is that the person who's going to come through the middle and actually end up being the intermediary, not necessarily a peace broker, but, like, a trusted intermediary, is Pope Leo. Oh, well. that's an interesting idea. Because Donald Trump, to be in his defense, Donald Trump has said that it would be so easy to make a deal between Israel and Iran.

It would be so easy. Sorry. Well, then I take it all back. I mean, because, you know, we've seen Donald Trump's magnificent deal. He also said that he'd solve Ukraine, Russia before he was even back in the White House. It would be very funny to watch, because presumably what would happen is Trump and would, like, Iran and Israel would both be negotiating with Trump on the basis. that Trump always chickens out.

And so it would be a really interesting set of game playing there, wouldn't it? What if Iran, there's spitballing here, what if Iran and Israel combine, instead of fighting one another, what if they combine to throw a parade for Donald Trump? That would be a very, I mean, you know, they've got some incredible military hardware. Did you see Donald Trump's tweet, just on the point of trying to be the honest broker in this situation? The one when he said to Iran, I told you to make a deal, you didn't make a deal. American military hardware I'm paraphrasing

but American military hardware is the best in the world there's a lot more of it coming your way basically saying you idiots for not making the deal that I want a great start to a negotiation I think pointing out that you've

armed the people who are killing their top scientists Yes yes So the deal's not yet done but that's because Iran are idiots Let's be clear But the funny thing is that Iran Like I read this analysis

saying one of the reasons why Iran had been quite confident in not necessarily moving their nuclear scientists out of the way of the bonds and things like that. Yeah. Because America was in the middle of these negotiations and Trump was, they were literally about to do another deal, like they just assumed that Israel wouldn't, you know, completely bomb them. Yeah. You know, like in the lead up to, you know, one of Israel's closest allies, the U.S. US doing negotiations with them.

Like, it just seemed like a completely... Well, there's been a whole game in recent years, and Matt Bevan had a good podcast on this, of them doing a little bit. And actually, Iran being quite restrained because he didn't want to provoke the US. Well, you can be absolutely assured that Iran, up until now, Iran always responded with a commensurate,

but not escalatory amount of force, right? But Iran, that is, that's completely off the take. It just feels like, no, Iran's actually going to use its force. And remember, Iran is used to fighting. Like, they fought the Iran-Iraq War in the 1980s. This is a highly capable military industrial complex. And it's almost a reason to exist. But also, if they don't do it, the regime is essentially in trouble.

It's actually kind of an imperative that they do act, Even though we know it's obviously a religious dictatorship in Iran ultimately with the Ayatollah, the government of the day can be dismissed if they don't do a good job of defending Iran. And that's sort of a... Well, I mean... The analysis has been that I've read and said that, yeah, they have to start... They've got to get this balance right or the current government will go, whether it's through a revolution or the Ayatollah kicking him out or whatever.

Just to quote Trump's message, I've got it here. If we're attacked in any way shape or form by Iran, the full strength and might of the US armed forces will come down on you at levels never seen before. Of course, this is on truth social, the place we go for good analysis. However, we can easily get a deal done between Iran and Israel and end this bloody conflict.

This was, I don't know, eight to ten hours ago, and yet... And then it hasn't happened. It hasn't happened. Oh, that's amazing. Maybe it was too good. Maybe that it was so good that no one could believe it. It could be. Yeah, so who's the honest broker in the situation?

Well, I think there's an obvious answer to that question. Me. You, the person who's having the parade here, you're not Jewish or Muslim. I've got no skin in the game. You live a lot way away. Although I must say, I have actually been to Iran. I went there for a couple of weeks. And I went to Esfahan, partly because I wanted to see the nuclear research facilities there.

For you with your own eyes, of course, knowing that one day... Yeah, it would be bombed. And it was during when George W. Bush called Iran part of the access of evil. I meant knowing that one day you'd be responsible for saving everything. Oh, I see. Yeah, and for saving everything. But we actually, we walked around, you know, outside the compound where they do the, you know, that has a real bunker that goes down hundreds of metres.

Yeah. And there are all these sort of vehicles and things like that. I'm sure we looked incredibly suspicious. We walked into the University of Tehran, which is right next door. And we weren't actually, not Tehran, the University of, it must have been Esfahan, which was right next door, which we actually found out later that we weren't allowed to go into. which was quite fun. But the people were saying,

for when I sat on that day in quiet tones, there's the man. There's the man who's going to save us. Down the track. And would I then be installed as the sort of first next shah of Iran? No, I don't think so. I don't think so.

What would I get? What would I get out of... What would you get out of brokering the deal? I suppose I'd be lauded across the world. The Nobel Peace Prize, for starters. Yes, I'd get a... I'd be the bootress. Butrus Ghali of 2025.

I think maybe you'd get one of those... Or the Gareth Evans. Sure. Yes. Maybe you'd get one of those little islands, you know, in Dubai. Like Jeffrey Epstein? No. Not at all like that.

Good. I wouldn't want one. A sex island. I don't want a sex island. Okay, Charles, I'm beginning to think that I'm canceling the parade. I don't think... I think it's in my reputation's interest that I have nothing to do with the parade. I want to be able to deny.

Could I have Madagascar? I don't know. Or is that too big? Definitely too big. I think about one of those little, you know, those little luxury islands for fancy people in Dubai. They're all reclaimed. All reclaimed islands.

Yeah, okay. But I'm off that I do now because it's been a bit too creepy. So as happens so often in these cases, it turns out that the future world leader is actually a massive sex pest. And that's just the way of the world, isn't it? I'm a little sad to acknowledge it, but at least we've seen this problem before. So what are we going to do?

What is the plan? We've got to solve the Middle East crisis on this podcast before we go. I know exactly what to do with the Middle East crisis. Put it in an upcoming bonus episode. We'll do our weekend episode on how to solve the Middle East. Yeah, for sure. It'll be well worth the price of admission. Yeah.

We're never going to make it anymore out of this. We were part of the iconic class network. Catch you tomorrow. New pay regime, which is slightly less. impressive, we hope, coming soon.