The Chaser Report - Bondi Breach

Episode Date: June 17, 2021

The Delta strain is on the loose in Sydney, mice are on the loose in regional NSW and rogue solar panels are on the loose in federal parliament. Fortunately this podcast is loose enough to report on it all. Plus, a BIG APPEARANCE from a GENUINELY HUGE CELEB! (No, it's not just Charles.) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello, welcome to The Chaser Report for Friday the 18th of June. Sydney on the verge of a massive lockdown, potentially... Yes, but Dom, we have on the show today a huge megastar, probably the biggest star in Australia. It's just one of those things where you describe yourself, Charles. No, no, no, we've got Osher Gunsberg. Seriously? In the show today, yes.

As in, like, The Bachelor, all that stuff? Yep. The Masked Singer. Yep, on The Chase Report. Basically, co-hosting with you and me today. Then where is he? Well, he's not actually in. It's more, it's not quite a whole co-hosting thing.

This is one of these things where you've just taken an interview with Oshah and cut it up. No, no, no. He's literally recorded something for us. It was for the sketch. It's basically he's doing the sketch. He's in the sketch. He's in the sketch today. So the sketch stars Oshah Ginsburg.

Well, what's he going to do for it? The thing is, the original idea was that the sketch would star Osha. But then he read the script and he refused to do the sketch. Okay. So, in fact, he rejected the opportunity to be in the episode. No, but we got him to record one line rejecting us. And we've included that in the sketch. Okay, so he's technically in the episode, saying he doesn't want to be in the episode.

It's starring Osher Gunsby. The Chaser Report starring Osha Goodensburg. Move over, Carla Jaccio. This is the show that all the celebrities don't want to be on. Coming up, we're going to solve the mice plague in Regional Australia. We love you, Regional Australia. We're with you, regional Australia. We're with you.

We're also with Sydney where the outbreak is getting quite worrying and could potentially result in a lockdown. We're going to talk to someone who actually is currently under lockdown. And what else are we doing? It's daily. That's enough. I think that's all. Yeah, screw it.

Yeah, people got to get in on with their lives. I don't want to just listen to this all day. Including us. But first of all, let's go to Rebecca Deun Muno in the Chaser Newsroom. Is she with us again, spoke? He's not, is he? No, he's not. Oh, God, Charles.

The federal government has today blocked the Greens bid to launch an inquiry into the allegations against Christian Porter. Prime Minister Scott Morrison said that the government is always committed to listening to women unless it threatens their one-seat majority. Russian President Vladimir Putin has been asked by an American journalist about the frequent untimely ends of people who oppose his regime.

The journalist was unable to pursue the matter further as she tripped off a bridge and shot herself in the head after accidentally locking herself in a suitcase shortly after the press conference. Acting Prime Minister Michael McCormack has solved the rat plague today by rehoming all the vermin into Sydney's inner city homes. When questioned why he didn't include

Camberra in the plan, McCormack stated there were enough rats in Parliament already. That's the latest news you can't trust for The Chaser Report. I am moving away from Bondi as fast as possible. Today's episode of The Chaser Report brought to you by the new and improved Delta variant of COVID. This limited edition premium strain is now available exclusively at Bondi Junction. it's time to now very briefly pay attention to what's happening in regional Australia. We've got Loughlin and Gabby with us as well because Charles and I don't have the attention span for this. Don, before we start, I just want to say, I'm with regional Australia.

Are you? I really am. I'm with them. But not physically. And I believe in them. Not emotionally either. So what's happening in regional Australia, apart from Charles being creepy towards it, is that there is a mice plague. I didn't know about that.

The acting prime minister Michael McCormack had this to say. say about what it's like having mice fucking everywhere. I live in a community. I live in a community where they are ravaged as well by mice. And there is nothing worse than the stench of mice. Is there really nothing worse than the stench of mice? Gabby, you're from a regional area. I love bringing that up on this podcast.

Yeah, look, it's not pleasant to the nostrils. All right. So the question is what to do about it. Now, Michael McCormack has been pretty irritated by animal rights activists saying to look after the mice, he had this to say in Parliament. And then we have, of course, Peter, the people for the ethical treatment of animals coming out and saying that the mice, the poor little curious creatures, should be rehomed. Well, I actually agree with Peter.

They should be rehomed into their inner city apartment so that they can nibble away at their food and their feet at night and scratch their children at night. This is a disgrace by Peter. So he thinks he put the mice in the activist departments. and I've got to say that would be a fascinating TV show. Although that's it, if you put them in foreclues, they're at the streets themselves at the moment. But I sort of feel that Michael McCormack's using a bit of a straw man there,

you know, saying Peter's wanting to save the mice or whatever. And he shouldn't really use straw men at the moment because they'll be eaten by the mice. But, yeah, I mean, look, to deal with the mice and to deal with the stench of the mice, surely they should do what I do, which is just used deodorant. As someone who, has been a teenage boy in his time.

I would say the only thing worse than the stench of dead rats is Lynx Africa. That's true. That is true. I feel like we should try and solve this mouse problem. Yeah, for real. It's a big deal. I'm glad you say that, Charles. For the bush, because we're for the bush. For the bush.

Sure are up in our inner city suburb, aren't we? I mean, whenever gun rights are discussed, right? Whenever we talk about cracking down on guns, Everyone always goes, I will accept for farmers because they need them. Or fucking buckle up farmers. How good did your aim going to have to be? I'm just thinking, what they need to do is ship some gamers into the farms because they spent years training for like zombie apocalypses with fake guns.

Yeah, they don't sleep. Just get the wide gamers in there, give them semi-automatic weapons and set them loose. Nothing more than an AK-7 and a bottle of Mountain Dew. Yeah, that's right. The right plague will be solved in a day. I thought we could deal with the mice in a more inner-city lefty kind of way. And I thought you could release a bunch of cats to offset the amount of mice. Well, there are already feral cats.

What the fuck are they doing? No, but the problem is there's not enough. I think we need to bring in a bigger predator. Oh, sorry, Chris. I'm sorry. We obviously can't use that in the podcast. I don't want to be fucking sued. You're not going to have a thing about it.

Crocodos. You just get all the crocodiles, because there's tons of crocodiles in Northern Territory. Bring them down. They'll have a blast eating all the mouses. They're too busy eating all the people. And anyway, if the crocodiles eat the people, then they'll stop complaining. Solutions solved anyway. Either way.

I thought you could also just release the movie cats again and they'll probably just stay away because they have better taste, I think. Or you could just get James Corden to just go and scare them away. I just think that you guys are going around this the wrong way because where does a race? plague come from. What we need is something that stops the rats from banging. I just think what we need is a whole bunch of mouse condoms. Yes. Have you got any spare? Oh, wow. I'm cheap. Smaller dick jokes. I must say, I don't think we're using the available resources that we've got going at the moment enough yet. What like those sats are and big props. Well, no, no, but we've, no.

We've got a global pandemic on our With a strain of a deadly virus We just get into the lab Make it a bit more deadly And make it so that mice can get it It's reverse plague Yes They've had that coming for a couple hundred years

Haven't they? Today's episode of The Chaser Report Brought to you by New South Wales COVID response Hoping everything will just pan out fine since 2020 From the creators of Bondi Rescue and Bondi Vet comes a brand new show, Bondi hotspot. Bondi is a hotspot for culture, love, partying and lately, deadly viruses. Sir, have you taken any of the vaccine drugs yet? No, but I snort a fuck ton of cocaine. Does that count?

Join the contact traces as they hunt through everyday spa and tanning salon in the eastern suburbs. So, where did you go for brunch? Early brunch, late brunch, or late, late brunch? Each week, you'll get to see the dramatic challenges of surf life-saving while social distancing. This man isn't breathing. We need CPR on him, stat. But you've got to stay 1.5 metres away? It's the suburb of Sydney that never sleeps, mainly because of all the cocaine they're taking. Direct from the quarantine hotels, all the hottest COVID strains in one hot place.

Bondi Hot Spot, hosted by Oshah Gunsberg. Oh no, no, no, there's no way I'm hosting that. Coming soon on 10. So wait, if we get locked down, do I get a refund on my $400 hot yoga session? The Chaser Report, news you know you can't trust. So Charles, the Sydney COVID outbreak, since we talked yesterday, there have been more cases and even more concerning we found out that it is the Delta strain, the hot strain, the bad strain. So it's worth getting a little bit concerned now.

Yes, I think it's fair to say panic is setting in across the eastern suburbs of Sydney. We're hearing reports this morning of panic buying of cocaine. There's virtually no Botox in any of the shelves. Well, the good news is if you take enough drugs, you don't have to shit. So they'll tell them that it by there won't be a problem. It's cocaine only 14-day lockdown. Well, it's more of a health cleanse. There's been a run on gluten-free bagels this morning.

I mean, this is tense stuff. Are you prepared? Charles, are you prepared in case the city goes into lockdown? Yes, I've already lined up my excuses for, why I can't lock down with the rest of my family this time and that my wife is going to have to look after the kids on her own. That's good. How are you going to pull that off?

I'm just going to shout very loudly so that it sounds like I'm inside a tunnel. And I'll just say, oh no, I'm stuck inside a tunnel. I can't possibly make it home. You just be in lockdown without me. And then I'll just go to a hotel and stay there for 14 days. That's right. Well, you could just say that you've caught COVID. And you have to go to a COVID hotel.

But I'm double vaccinated. Yeah, it would be a very, very mild strain. Yeah, I'm feeling pretty ready. I mean, I guess I'll just stay at home, not go and see any friends, not go out, not have any social life. So it'd just be like normal life. Yeah, it's just normal. But look, one person who has already been affected by this is Nicodemus.

He's a friend of mine, he lives in Vaucluse. We've got him on the line now to explain how to cope with a snap 14-day lockdown. Hey, Nick, how's it going? Very well, Dominic. How are you? I'm well, but I'm not self-isolating due to a massive outbreak of the Delta variant of COVID on the street where I work. Yeah, they shouldn't call it self-isolating because it's really the government's

telling you to do it. They don't really have a choice, do you? Yeah, it's more home detention, isn't it? Home detention. It feels like I'm back at school. You know, when you do really something naughty and they suspend you and they send you home. Only this time I did nothing but sort of go and have a casual coffee with a friend very briefly. It wasn't even in the actual window of which the guy was supposedly there.

And now I'm on detention for 14 days. You weren't even in the cafe. Yeah, right. That must be pretty worried about this thing. It was a Delta strain and apparently it's very contagious. What happened was yesterday afternoon. It's got a text message. It had a location written.

You're at Glockos. You need to now go and get tested immediately and begin self-isolated. So I luckily got down to Bondi Beach to the testing station there. before the queue started. So what's your strategy for the 14 days? At what point do you start staring at the ceiling and, you know, scratching the walls? I was listening to question time yesterday.

How is it that the word pivot has just come into the common parlance and pivot this, pivot this, I can't cope with this. Well, I think that word's meaning has pivoted from what it used to mean. Oh, you're so bored. You're self-isolating and you're watching question time. Oh, you poor bastard.

Yes, question time. It's like an indication you've got way too much time when you have. Chin up and look, maybe the rest of us will be under 14 days. Locked down by the time you emerge, you'll be the only man walking around the streets of Sydney. Well, I was thinking about this, right? What if I walk out of here after 14 days? I've got the whole place to myself, you know? It would be very...

We'd be very jealous of you. All right, we'll enjoy that when it inevitably happens. Thanks, Nick. Bye. Speak you soon, bye. This episode brought to you by Facebook. Watching your parents since 2007. Now, before we go, Dom, I just want to talk about what Chris Bowen did in Parliament the

other day. Oh, Chris Bowen, who is that again? He's that Labor guy who... Didn't he used to be like shadow something? Yeah, it was shadowed treasurer for a while. Anyway, he brought a lump of solar paneling into Parliament, like as a prop. Like Schomo? Like Scott Morrison brought the Coal.

And he taunted the government saying, what are you afraid of? What are you afraid of with this solar paneling? That's what we call back joke, isn't it? Yeah, it was a callback joke. But it was a props joke. Oh. And I love props. And they're not actually allowed in Parliament.

Right. But politicians use them from time to time. And I was just thinking, wouldn't it be good if they just allowed politicians to bring in any props they wanted? Hmm. Because you could do, like, so many politicians have these little pet causes that they really are passionate about that they could bring in. Like Matt Canavan, for example, the resources. minister, he's all pro having a nuclear waste dump in Australia. Oh.

He should just bring in a, you know, barrel of used uranium in the parliament and say, what are you afraid of? What are you afraid of? Well, Senator Steve Fielding, from Family First, he loved getting about in the giant PET bottle suit. Do you remember that? Yes. He just loves the only thing I remember about Steve Fielding that he did in all of his

years in Parliament, I think he should have been allowed to sit in the chamber as a bottle. They couldn't have ignored the issue then, could they? I reckon Bob Ketter should bring in a live crocodile into Parliament. That would be very entertaining. See, this is what you should be afraid of. Yes, Charles, I think we can all agree that big props would make Australia a better place. Now, it is Review Friday. So, Charles, what are some of the reviews people have left on Apple Podcasts for us?

Well, from Bate Bean Enthusiast, the title is Lovely Show, and it says, I thoroughly enjoyed the chase report. Well, I thoroughly enjoy the work of the intern. who are funny, clever and talented. Dom and Charles are okay, I guess. Fair enough. Glacial gastropod says, The Wisdom of Youth and the Energy of Age.

The Chaser set the bar so low, it is a tripping hazard in hell. I thought there was going to be another review written by the interns. That's a five-star review. Oh, okay. What's this one? Most Reliable Newscast. Well, that is true.

Yes, finally I've found a reliable news podcast. I'm now across all the stories, and can give my opinion on how it really is in the next family barbecue. Thank you, Chase the team. Yeah, I'm thinking we should maybe release, like, the news version of the podcast. It's two minutes long and has no jokes. I think that's good. It might be more useful.

But this is by far the best review of the week, which is from Bike Bread, who says, Hamish and Andy have never been funnier. So there you go. You can leave your review at Apple Podcasts. It helps us out very much if you do. Thanks for listening. Our Gehers from Road Microphones, and we are part of the Acast, Creator. network. Have a great weekend. See ya.