The Chaser Report - Boris the (Alleged) Party Animal

Episode Date: February 3, 2022

John takes a deep dive into Boris Johnson and the parties that he DEFINITELY ISN'T HAVING at 10 Downing St... on his birthday. Meanwhile Gabbi uses the podcast to get something off her chest. Plus Charles asks what other podcasts we should imitate for exponential increases in listeners. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chase of Report. Hello and welcome to The Chase of Report for Friday the 4th of February. I'm Charles Firth and with me today are Gabby, John and Dom. Hey-oh. Hello. Hello. And I've got some great news. You always have great news.

Which is after the first week back on our regular schedule, we have now broadcast on Monday's episode. it was the most downloaded episode we have ever done in the history of the Chaser. And I'm sure it had everything to do with us being ourselves and just doing what we normally do. Well, actually, Gabby, that was the one episode that was not called The Chaucer Report. We renamed it the Joe Rogan experience. Oh, yeah, I forgot about that. And for some reason, everybody downloaded that episode. For some reason.

So I kind of feel like our whole business model probably be that we don't call ourselves the Chaser Report from now on. I mean, I feel like the Chase's business model is really dependent on impersonating other people. Because last year, our most downloaded episode was called the Hamish and Andy podcast. Yeah. So I think, like, what are we going to call ourselves now? Like, what next week should we call ourselves? I feel like in the interest of balance, considering the last one we impersonated was Joe Rogan, which is like, you know, a filthy fucking masculine male podcast.

We should go for like something a bit more feminine. Yeah. Mama Mia. I mean, I just looked at the podcast charts on Apple. And two of the top four are a moment. Mamma Mia. They've got so many. And they put up out a new Mamma Mia one every single day.

So we could just get on that. I can get on board that. Call it Mamma Mia Gabby, Mumma Mia, Chase the report. It doesn't matter. Just put Mumma Mia in there. We'll do well. Yeah. Well, welcome to the Mamma Mia podcast for Friday, the 4th of February.

I'm Mama. He's Mia. Coming up on the show, John is taking a deep delve into the Boris Johnson scandal, which is sort of unravel. travelling over in the UK. Nice. That'll be good. That'll get the true crime listeners as well.

And Gabby, what have you got? I've just got a bit of a listical. Oh, that's perfect for Mamma Mia. Yeah. Oh, yeah, actually. It is actually really perfect for Mamma Mia. Yeah, it's illistical about things I let the feminist in me die for. Again, perfect for Mama Mia.

Yeah. It's like I saw it coming. An anti-feminist rant. Well, not quite. But I'll tell you later. But first of all, let's go to Rebecca Day and a minuteo in the Chasea Newsroom. Oh, sorry. I'm a Mia newsroom.

The Australian Olympic dodgeball team have drafted Scott Morrison into their team after recruiters witnessed footage of the Prime Minister dodging every question journalists threw at him during his national press club appearance. Mr Morrison told reporters that he is excited to be part of the team and hoped that training would give him a chance

to dodge the few sitting days of Parliament this year. A political. bombshell has been dropped on Canberra today, as leaked text messages from a cabinet minister reveal for the first time that one of Scott Morrison's colleagues can actually stand him. In the messages, the unnamed minister says that Morrison isn't too bad in small doses. Extremely small doses. Finally, after finishing their first week back at school, students around the country have begun complaining about how hard their job is.

Despite having 10 weeks off per year, students claim to be constantly exhausted by how nobody sees all the extra hours they put in, stating that the job is a lot harder than the glorified adult daycare it's portrayed as. Those are the latest headlines from The Chaser Report. I'm Rebecca Deunamuno, and that's one week down, 51 more to go. John Delmenico has been delving deep into

UK politics and John Boris Johnson he's in trouble yeah shockingly there is corruption scandals going on in other countries as well all right complete surprise Boris Johnson has been caught in some trouble it was revealed that during the British lockdown that there was parties thrown in 10 Downing Street yeah and and this was a pretty brutal lockdown wasn't it this was the lockdown where you couldn't go to funerals weddings were banned you literally couldn't leave your home yeah and unlike Australia they actually defined what an essential worker is over there so good it was very specific of who could leave the house and who couldn't and so did they they say you're not allowed to hold large parties was that one of the rules that was specifically a rule so

Boris Johnson has since come out and he denied the parties existed and then when media started running some of the evidence that parties existed Boris has claimed that he was at the parties but he didn't realize there were parties until after it was in the media no see I understand where this is coming from I know where this is coming from because to somebody like Boris Johnson. Yes. The days of eaten, seeing somebody like David Cameron, allegedly fuck a pig, that's a party. Yes.

Like maybe he didn't know there were parties because he didn't, by comparison, you know, they were a lot more chill. Maybe he just thought it was like, you know, the same way I think of a cheese and cracker gathering with four people. Maybe it's like my experience where I walk into a gathering of people and then suddenly the buzz is killed and whatever was happening before is finished. Yeah, been there. Is it just that they drink so much at work?

The tolerances. You can't really distinguish between a normal workday. I can imagine that. I also particularly like the report where his partner, like, you know, Carrie, the woman who worked for him and he repregnated and married and had barely rejoiced in a moment. She did a surprise birthday cake. So she basically was like, surprise, have a massive political scandal for your birthday, Boris.

So since the party started, they've done investigations into said parties. The Minister of Code says that ministers who knowingly mislead, Parliament will be expected to offer their resignation. Does the Prime Minister believe that applies to him? Prime Minister, Mr Speaker, of course, but let me tell the House that I think he's inviting a question about an investigation which, as you know, Mr. Speaker, I can't comment. Right. So that was the day that it was reported that he was going to be, a vote of no confidence

was going to be called. So now the report has come out, sort of, in that. A much shortened version of the report has come out that does state that it is difficult to justify any of the behaviour and that it is the fault of a failure of leadership. However, the other big point of the report is that it is not a meaningful report because so much the report had to be redacted because of the police investigations.

So, wait, hang on, what are the police investigations? Because they broke lockdown and there are other, and there's reports that there's other potential criminal behaviour as well. Like what? Well, no one knows yet because there's... We don't know. There's redacted stuff. These were illegally good parties with it.

It's the suggestion that there were lots of drugs or something. No one of the ones knows what the thing is, but one of the demands that was that the police weren't allowed to ask the police, what happened? I think I know what's happened here. It's got a snout. It oinks and it has four legs. Oh.

It's the squeakle. Oh, no. It's black mirror. Of course. All over again. Of course it is a very special episode of Pepper Pips. Well, I do have some of the details of what has come out. So the amount of evidence has been given to the people who wrote the redacted report and to the police

has been 500 written documents and 300 photos. What is going on? That is, so like Dom hinted at before, there was a birthday cake, but it's also been revealed one of the parties was a birthday party at four borrowering. at four Boris Johnson at his house. But again, he didn't know as a party. A birthday party did, wasn't a birthday party. Hey, you know, I can't relate to that though,

because there are a few birthday parties I've had over the years that about four drinks in, I wasn't aware it was a birthday party for me either. Well, Dom had a birthday party last week. And that was a great party. Dom couldn't make it because he was in self-isolation. Happy birthday, Dom. I've been meaning to tell you.

We had a great time. Yeah. We took about 300 photos. Yeah. The thing that baffles me about this. is that there have been so many embarrassing revelations. Like, at the point where we had to apologise to the Queen for having not one but two parties that he attended

the night before Prince Philip's state funeral, a funeral at which she observed the rules so carefully that she sat by herself during the funeral of her husband, he's still there. He's just breezing through it. This man is completely teflon. So there was one other bit of evidence that's coming out that staffers were told to feel suit-case.

with supermarket alcohol. What's supermarket alcohol? As opposed to what? Like, not the good stuff. In the UK, that's where you buy your alcohol. Yeah. So, like, so why do,

why specify it? Well, I'm assuming they just meant that they didn't want any, like, expensive brands or whatever. I love it because there's, so shows the intent is to deceive,

isn't it? Yeah. Well, there was police, like, there was police at 10 Downing Street the entire time because that's how they protected.

Yeah, at the front, they've got a bobby all the time. specifically the police officers that the Johnson government tried to get banned from being able to give their statements to the police or the report, which obviously got overturned because they are key witnesses and whether or not there was multiple people at the building. Because I think the thing is that, you know, sure, you know, parties, when there's lockdown and people are prevented from going to funerals or seeing their loved ones for the last time before they

die, all that sort of stuff. Terrible, terrible, terrible. Yeah, really bad. But on the other hand, holding parties, you know, if this brings Boris Johnson undone, compare that to what Tony Blair did. Like, he was a war criminal who led to the deaths of tens of thousands of Iraqi. Kind of thing and the balance of thing. Yeah.

Not too bad. You're not the only person in the media is saying that this is actually really a good thing. Most of the world is being very negative, Nancy, about this whole corrupt parties thing. But luckily, the Australian has come forward and said all the stars have aligned. for Boris Johnson to stay in power as their headline. I read the piece. It's an interesting take on whether or not corruption's bad. I'm so, so shocked.

Well, no, but that's good because it shows that the monarch and ruler of UK, Rupert Murdoch, has given Boris Johnson his blessing. The Chaser Report, news you know you can't trust. Now, Gabby, you've been strutting around the office looking very, very... Go on. What's the word? HR complaint, ready to happen, I'm ready. Charles Firth, the floor is yours, looking.

Very, very... How peanut-ven onslawn do you want to get at this point? Wonderful and thoughtful in your brain. Yeah, it's because of the tumour. But I come to the realisation that the media isn't about feminism anymore. Every time somebody talks about a feminist ideology, it's all, oh, can we just go back to enjoying things? So I've decided if you can't beat them, join them, you know, much like my environmentalism, my activism and a cheeky, dormant pulmonary embolism, I sometimes find it hard to stay 100% loyal to my feminist ideology. So to deal with the guilt, I thought I'd use this platform to just get this list off my chest.

And if you don't like this segment, you're sexist. Sorry, I don't make the rules. Yeah. So, but wait a minute, this is a list of reasons why you are secretly sexist. We're sexist if we don't like it. Look, it's a little more nuanced than that, a little less surface level. The list is called Things I Let the Feminist in Me Die for. So the reason I will give up that ideology.

Temptations. Yeah. Yeah, kind of like guilty pleasures. But like if I had to like give up everything I was to enjoy them. So yeah. So I've got this list. It's quite specific. And I don't know, say a few questions to the end.

I don't really know how this is going to go. So the first thing is my enjoyment of Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer films. No Judy Gullen was methed out out of her mind against her will and everyone was racist. But the pretty, pretty clothes and the pretty pretty sing songs. I really like them sometimes. The next one is the three minutes and 19 seconds of the song Misery Business by Paramour. I really am, quote, just a whore and nothing more for that banger. The third thing is, Spanx, it's oppressive, it's painful, but it makes my ass look incredible.

So I will continue to choke on my feminism to wear them. The next one is, any hallmark movie ever. Really, where do you get a hallmark movie? Is this like the notebook? No, no. Hallmark movies are like C-grade love rom-coms. I don't know why a highly paid lawyer

would give it all up to build an inn in the middle of bum fuck and there just happens to be an incredibly attractive ripped handyman that goes from enemy to a lover in literally four scenes. It's unrealistic. It's very gate keep gaslight girl boss but I'd be lying if I didn't learn

the true meaning of Christmas every time I watched one. Fuck the first person you meet when you move to a new city. The next one is John Mayer's early 2000s catalogue. Fuck him. Fuck what he did to Taylor Swift. but neon fucking slaps. Oh, now come on.

I cry to those songs on the train. Like, I can't admit that to anyone. So I'm glad that I'm getting this off my chest. The next one is vodka cruises and ruskies. I don't know why it's only grown up if you can taste the alcohol. I kind of love that I can drink what tastes like four patchy owners and get fucked. Hang on. How is that not feminist?

I love a good rusky. Because, like, it's become like this feminine trait if you drink like a fruity drink that you can't taste the alcohol in. So as a feminist, you want to like, I can dance six beers. I hate that. I hate that trouble so much. The next one is eating yogurt with the smallest spoon I can find. It just feels dainty and I feel like I'm betraying myself every day.

My wife does that as well. It's a thing. And she says she eats it with a small spoon because then she gets to feel like she's eating more. Yeah, yeah. Which makes no sense. But it's also like, why should we have to feel like that? The next one is early 2000s tampon commercials. Sure, the women have no discernible personality or nuance, but they can ride a horse on their period.

And for that, I mean, they live in life. I wish I could do that. That was good stuff. That told me that periods were blue. Oh, yeah, that's the other thing. Yeah, we have alien fucking liquid within us. The next one is, having fun looking after young children. Kids would ruin my life and increase my carbon footprint by a mile.

But for those four-ish or so hours, call me, mummy. Going to weddings. Fuck yeah. You honour, love and obey. And I'll be at the open bar having the best night of my fucking life. Do you cry at weddings? No. I do.

Oh, unless I get so drunk that I can't stand. and then I'm crying because I don't know whether I fucking feet are from my hands. But apart from that, no, not at all. The next one that I find I give away being a feminist for is sex with a man. The next one is playing as Princess Peach in Mario Kart. She's easily the worst playable character, but for her aesthetics, she's always on point, so I always pick her, and I don't know why. It's not a functional choice.

The next one is wishing we'd bring back sectioning women when they have an emotional outburst. Sometimes I actually wouldn't mind being stuck by myself in a locked room, forcibly. And then the last one is asking literally any question ever. I just choke on my feminism to ask anyone how to do anything. None of this is backed by science or theology. Hang on. So wait a minute. Like asking a question is not feminist.

Is it what? Yeah. Yeah, I shouldn't have to ask for anything. I shouldn't have to ask a question about anything. If I want to use that sound desk, I don't want to ask you. Yeah, I just need, I want to know. Bud Jovertone. You got a girl boss of Charles.

Yeah. And so every day I'm just, just. denying who I am. You're such a feminine mino. Well, it's the same way I call myself environmentalist and then get a plastic 10 cent bag every time I fucking go shopping. So, you know. Craig, if you listen to that, that was a joke.

Yeah, it was a joke. Ha, ha, Craig. That's all we've got time for this afternoon. Oh, no. That's all that we've got time for today. Hang on a second, Charles. I want to hear your list of the things where you break your feminism. Oh, actually, no. You could choke on your masculine.

I don't think. I got this part of the episode is always where. Where Gabby lets her feminism die because she lets Charles talk on her behalf. Yeah, pretty much. Being here daily is me joking on my feminism. Gabi, you do the outro. You feminist like on you.

That's about all we got time for this afternoon. I'm actually talking this time because after the last feminist segment, I think Charles felt a bit bad. So that's good, isn't it, Charles? I'm just, I don't want to... No, don't talk. I want to be an ally.

Shush. Why did you point to me when you said that? Gaby's talking. This conversation is not passing the Bechtel test. Anyway, our gear is from road microphones. It looks very phallic, so they might want to work on that. And we are part of the Acast Creator Network. There you are.

See you tomorrow if I still have a job.