The Chaser Report - Buy This Awful Towel!

Episode Date: October 8, 2020

Donald Trump has covid and Nina takes us through a soundbite by soundbite analysis of how it happened. Charles is trying to sell his terrible ScoMo towels while Dom was going to talk about the budget but we realised it was too boring. Plus Rebecca De Unamuno with all the news you can't trust.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In times like these, it's important to know who you can trust. At last, a new source that's reliably, reliable, informatively informational and never wrong. Unfortunately, you're not listening to it. Instead, you're listening to The Chaser Report. Hello, and welcome to The Chaser Report. I'm Charles Firth, and with me today are Nina O'Yama. Hello, hello, hello.

Welcome back. We missed you because we had that pregg. Yeah, I missed you guys too. Okay, so much. Okay, moving on. And Dom Knight. Yeah, we're still here, aren't we, Charles? Nothing better for us to do.

That's right. No, we love this. We cancel all of other gigs to do this. Anyway, great show ahead. Yeah, we've got a great show ahead. But, guys, I've got a bit of a side hustle. You know, Christmas is coming up. You know, everyone needs a gift.

Only fans. Yeah. No, I haven't set up my only fans. yet, although that is a good idea. And if anyone wants to check out my only fans, onlyfans.com slash ginger mint. Ginger mint. Ginger minga.

Someone actually message me like a fan to say that they would like Charles to get an only fans and that they were happy to set it up. Oh, really? Okay. I'm totally in for it because it's money, isn't it? And all you've got to do is charge a bit of flesh. Ideally.

For people who are well-known and popular. Right. Okay. Anyway. I would pay money not to see Charles naked. That could be the twist, which is you pay and I put on more clothes the more you pay. You know what? I think we've hit upon our business. Let's get on with the podcast, though. Okay. So anyway, I've decided that the chaser should leverage its enormous, you know, respected brand by putting out tacky merchandising and selling cheap shit from China. So had a few wins in the past few weeks. So the budget got released this week. And so we released in, you know, conjunction with the budget.

You know how the Liberal Party did those back-in black mugs last year, even though the budget wasn't in the black? They're really going to struggle with that this year. Back in dead. We released a fiscally accurate mug this year called Back in a huge fucking deficit. And they sold out. They sold out in like two hours. Oh, fantastic.

So hang on, that side hustle is actually in the black. Yeah, yeah. As I was saying to Kemp, there's more money than the changes ever made out of any other business venture is selling cheap ship from China. Well, you're forgetting the most successful merchandise item we ever had. When you were overseas doing your own thing, we actually, when we were actually popular, we had a tour, a big tour. Yeah. And we sold blocks of wood. And it said the Chase's official block of wood.

And we signed them all, which took a very long time. People actually bought these stupid fucking blocks of wood with our dumb names. So basically you cut down trees and sold off dead trees. And Craig Rookcastle did that. Because what a fuck we're getting money for yourself. What a hypocrite. That's right. War and Wasteland.

Look, we made hay while the sun shined and now the clouds have come. I wish we could sell blocks of wood. Anyway, point is summer's coming up. Right. So I thought the chase you should get into beach town. Oh, what a lovely idea. It's great. What's the concept?

They're very useful. Do you remember Scott Morrison went to Hawaii at the end of last year? Unfortunately, yes. So your concept for summer 2021 is Scott Morrison's 2019 holiday. Is that right? So he went to Hawaii while the whole of Australia was on fire. Remember that? Yeah.

Famously bad idea. So we thought bushfire season is coming up. Why don't we release a beach tower with Scott Morrison lounging around on a beach on it with a greetings from. Hawaii. Like a greetings from Ohio, Scott Morrison, Beach Tower. Speaking of bushfire season, I want it to be burned in a fire.

Anyway, so the point is, so I put it up for sale thinking, like, we'll print 50 in that old bit. They sold out within seconds. Like literally, and they're 50 bucks each. They literally sold out within seconds, right? These beach towers. That's amazing. So you're saying that our fans are as

slow off the mark with comedy as well. That's perfect. Anyway, so then I printed 200 more. Those sold out, literally within about an hour. They sold out, 50 bucks. So just to-ching, think of the money. Anyway, so I then ordered another 250 more thinking, we are in the money and suddenly no one's buying them.

Anyway, so have you just hijacked the entire intro to the podcast to plug the 2019 to a Christmas beach tower? No, the 2020 Scott Morrison Beach Town. Now, the problem with these beach towers, and I've got one here, I'll just show it to you. I can see a few, actually. So the main problem, and my wife actually warned me about this, which is that you basically, because the towers are huge. They are. And you basically have a semi-naked photo of Scott Morrison lounging around.

They're awful. They're horrible. But also, Charles, if I'm at the beach having a great time, the last thing I wanted to rub myself up against Scott Morrison. There is a huge problem with these towels, and I've got like 250 more that I've got to offload. Charles, is there a special code you could give where people get the beach towel cheaply on the cases shop.com? That's right. We're running at added discount.

They're only $49. So it's a $1. That's down from $50. Charles, what can you offer our listeners with the hashtag with their like code, pity? It's about if they put pity into their browser. Okay, we'll give them 1% off. It's so savage. Chasershop.com.

Anyway, we've got a great show for you coming up. Let's go to Rebecca Dana Minow with the Chasing News Headlines. Josh Frydenberg has announced the government will try cutting taxes for the rich as a potential cure for COVID-19. The treasurer says that tax cuts for the rich is his solution to every other problem in the world, so he doesn't know why it wouldn't work on COVID too. The Washington Post is shutting down. citing its inability to compete with teenagers on TikTok.

The revered newspaper said that it simply couldn't keep up with teenagers or people who work in Washington breaking stories, including the recent spread of coronavirus throughout the White House. In recent months, the journalists at the Washington Post have spent most of their time writing down whatever Claudia Conway says on TikTok and then passing it off as breaking news. Despite being discharged from hospital, Donald Trump is still highly infectious with COVID-19,

according to doctors familiar with the deadly virus. Australians have urged Cardinal George Pell to be by Donald Trump's side in his hour of need. That's the latest Chaser news. Check out chaser.com.com.com for the latest updates. Thanks, Beck. Hey, Beck, do you want to buy one of my beach towers? Sure, what does it look like?

It's got a life-sized photo of Scott Morrison, semi-naked on it. Wow, that's exactly what I need. I'll buy two. Oh, that was easy. I didn't expect that. Hey, Beck, why do you need them? Halloween's coming up, so I need something to scare the kids in my neighbourhood.

The Chaser Report, news a few days after it happens. The Chaser Report is brought to you by the greetings from Hawaii, Scott Morrison Beach Town. Yeah, so do you want to buy a semi-naked picture of our Prime Minister that you can take to the beach? No, absolutely not. Of course you do, which is why you definitely should buy the Scott Morrison Beach Town. No, I'm not buying one, Charles. Yes, you are. Stop.

The Chaser Report. Now with extra whispers. So, Dom and Charles, the biggest news story of this week is, of course, Donald Trump getting coronavirus. And who could have possibly predicted this would happen? I mean, who could have known the man who was against masks and social distancing, who insisted on shaking everyone's hands and having big rallies with no precautions, who refused to listen to Syges?

Who could have foreseen this man getting coronavirus? You couldn't have. Like, it just begers believe. When I heard it, it was just like, that hasn't happened. It cannot be true. I just think the Secret Service is the lame. Their job is to protect the president. I saw the West Wing, no matter what, take a bullet for him.

Why didn't the Secret Service person jump in front of him and take that virus? Take the coronavirus. That would have been quite funny, actually. It works on a microscopic level, like a bullet. Take those aerosols. Anyway, unfortunately, it actually did make a lot of sense. Like, it was shocked. When I heard the news, I was shocked, but I was like, well, checks out.

And according to the New York Times timeline, this is how the whole thing played out. So last Wednesday, Trump and his team went to a rally in Minnesota. And when they got back to the Marine one plane, Hope Hicks, whose Trump's advisor, was noticeably ill. And so she had to isolate in the back of the plane. I mean, theoretically speaking, if you thought someone might have coronavirus, would you catch a plane with them? I mean, are they on the same air conditioning system as the rest of the plane? Yes, they are. Yes, and they're breathing the same air as the rest of the plane.

Excellent. Yeah, why didn't they Air Force won her and throw her out of the plane as soon as she had symptoms? Like, you know, I am the President of the United States of America. Get off my plane. I don't know. You just throw her out. Because they have absolutely no regard for Donald Trump, I think, even. Because the next day, Hopix tested positive for the coronavirus.

Now, if you've been in close contact with someone who has coronavirus, maybe if you've been in a literal plane breathing the same air as someone who definitely has COVID, What would you guys do? Would you go home and self-isolate? Well, yes. Yeah, I would. Those are the rules. Everyone has to do that in 14 days.

All right. Well, what do you think Trump did? Do you think he chilled out at all? You want to make a guess? I reckon he went and met a whole bunch of people. Yes, Dom, you're correct. He went to a rally where he spoke. Oh, God, man.

It was an outdoor rally, but it was also an indoor rally. What? Yeah, so he had outdoor and indoor components. So the theory was... So the people he really wanted to infect, he said, come inside. Yeah, it was like, get in here. Get over here. I want to give you some rhoda.

But apparently he had close contact with over 100 people. And at the rally, he looked quite sick. He looked lethargic. And later didn't interview with Sean Hannity, where people say that he sounded raspy. So that was like Thursday. Wait, was it an in-person interview with Hannity? Please tell me yours.

No, it wasn't over-the-phone, unfortunately. And you can't get corona through the phone. Trust me, I've tried. No, I'm. The phonerona, that's what that would be. Kofona. But that was on Thursday. And then on Friday, we finally found out that Trump and Melania had the coronavirus.

And obviously, this is very dangerous for Trump because he's 74 years old and he is high cholesterol because he only eats McDonald's and KFC. And by doctor's standards, he is medically obese. I mean, I was shocked by this because in the 74 years of that man's life to date, he's faced a total of zero consequences. I think this is the first consequence he's ever experienced. his entire life. I didn't think you'd ever get it. I thought he'd be the last person of humanity to get COVID. Well, because apparently he's a hypochondriac. That's the weird thing about all that.

He's a germaphobe. It's like, well, clearly fucking not. So on Friday, things look pretty dicey for the president. So he was transferred to Walter Reed Hospital where he was given a steroid called dexamethazone. And so it's important to note that up to 50% of people who go on dexamethosone actually experience adverse psychiatric reactions. So people experience issues like, difficulty thinking, memory problems, mania, depression, hallucinations and delusions. That sounds like a really good drug. Yeah. Has he always been on this thing?

Yeah, that's what I'm the. I'm like, how could we tell? How can you tell the difference? I mean, I've taken steroids for asthma. And it's definitely true. Like, you get so grumpy and irritable. I mean, even by my normal standards, I was a complete dick. Like, it's noticeable.

You can kind of feel yourself. You can't stop yourself. from being out of control. It's really, yeah, it has such a difference. And you become impulsive and you like buy things and you do things. It's completely unaltering. Not just your personality. Not even relative to my normal self.

Not just mental illness. On Saturday, Trump shared a video from hospital convincing the nation that it was all going to be okay. I came here, wasn't feeling so well. I feel much better now. We're working hard to get me all the way back. I have to be back because we still have to make America great again. We've done an awfully good job of that.

But we still have steps to go and we have to finish that job. So he has to get back because he has to make America great again, even though he's already done that. It really is messing with his lot. No, that's what he always sounds like. Hey, if you're the president and you got coronavirus, I mean, how do you think you could spin it a bit more positively? Like, do you have any ideas on how to frame it in a lovely light?

Well, presumably he's got to pin it somehow on Joe Biden or China or something. Is that the way you do? You say to go, I got coronavirus and therefore Joe Biden sucks for something. I don't know. I don't listen to the experts. I've had COVID. I know all about it. I'm an expert now.

Shut up doctors. Shut up Fauci. It's no big deal. I mean, he does do that a little bit later on. But in this video that was taken from hospital, he says this. But this was something that happened and it's happened to millions of people all over the world and I'm fighting for them. Not just in the US.

I'm fighting for them all over the world. So he's making him sound like he deliberately got it so he could be in the trenches with everyone and he's fighting for everyone. He's leading from the front. That's so impressive. He did it for us. He got coronavirus fast and he's fighting for everyone. Thanks, Mr. President.

Thanks, Donald Trump. He's getting COVID for the world. It does sound like the steroid speaking there. Yeah, it really does sound like utter mania, doesn't it? You know, the funny thing is, well, in the video, he made it very clear that he was given the option to stay in the White House and isolate there. That's what he didn't want to be huddled up in the White House.

He didn't want to be self-isolating. He wants to get well and get back out there because that's what a great leader would do. That's what a super spreader would do. Yes, and super spreaders are great leaders. So anyway, the next day on Sunday, Trump actually released another video where he talked about his experience with COVID. I learned a lot about COVID. I learned it by really going to school.

This is the real school. This isn't the, let's read the book school. And I get it. And I understand it. And it's a very interesting thing. I'm going to be letting you know about it. In the meantime, we love the USA and we love what's happening. Okay, firstly, mania.

Secondly, Trump University's back. I like the idea that he couldn't, you can't possibly be an expert on a disease until he's. you've had it all like um fouchy shut up fouch you haven't had every disease you haven't had a bowler you know he was supposedly one of the leaders in the battle against aids he didn't get a did he shut up fouchy yeah what do they know right i also like at the end hell he's like in the meantime we love the u s a and we love what's happening it's like you have coronavirus obviously you don't love what's happening go to bed dip shit terrible for you and hey look so trump he's just

released this video he's been in hospital for two days what do you think he's going to do on his Sunday afternoon off. I reckon he's going to chill that. I'm thinking golf. Golf? A bit of golf? What do you reckon, Charles? Well, he probably would just lie in bed watching porn hub or something.

That's probably what would have him. Oh, he never rally. What you would do. I ask what Trump would do. He never rally with 100,000 people, all of whom would get COVID. No, I reckon he'll source some more of that, you know, the steroids. Yeah, exactly. He gets some of that good shit.

Yeah, putting the meth into the dexon him. What does he do? You're both wrong. He goes on a joy ride. So basically outside the hospital are a bunch of Trump fans that have been trying to wish him well and cheering for him. So what he does on Sunday is after he makes the video, he gets into a hermetically sealed armored Chevrolet and does laps around the block of people

waving to his fans from inside the car. He does COVID lapies. My God. On Monday, things started to look better for Trump. And so he actually left the hospital and he tweeted, feeling really good. Don't be afraid of COVID. Don't let it dominate.

your life. We have developed, under the Trump administration, some really great drugs and knowledge. I feel better than I did 20 years ago. Oh, God. He really is diluted. Yeah. Well, possibly he did. I mean, he's on steroids. Of course he did. Well, that's the other thing. You do feel like a, you get the sort of Superman vibe. Don, for someone who refuses to take illegal drugs, you sure have experimented with your fair share of over-the-counter stuff. Yeah, steroids. Like, they're actually really dangerous. Yeah. Oh, you're such a rebel, Dom. It's why you're so buff. Sorry, that's mean.

That's so mean. I'm sorry. Anyway, so on Monday evening, so this is like, he's still technically infectious at this point. Yeah. And so he gets out of hospital. Not technically. He's actually still infectious. Yes.

So, yeah. He's an infectious person capable of spreading. And the first thing he does, actually, I'm going to throw this to you, he's gone to the White House to announce that he is well. What action could you do to ensure the American people that you're going to stay safe and that you're a great leader, what would you do? He's a fucking biohazard at this point. I suspect wouldn't he go to the front of the White House lawns

and just basically pash all the supporters or something? Pretty much. He stands on the lawn of the White House and he takes off his mask. What? He removes his mask. Why? I don't know.

And there's also footage of him in various places without a mask and it looks like he's suppressing the cough. It's very distressing. It's not a strength. drink test, mate. Like, you're not supposed to, it's not like you get, you know, a fate where you hit a thing hard and everyone goes, wow, you're so strong. He's doing, this is crazy. It is insane. And just to like, just another reminder, over 200,000 Americans are now dead from the coronavirus because it is a deadly disease, but he does another address to the nation on

Monday. And he says, don't let it dominate you. Don't be afraid of it. You're going to beat it. We have the best medical equipment. We have the best medicines. All developed recently and you're going to beat it we're going back we're going back to work we're going to be out front as your leader i had to do that i knew there's danger to it but i had to do it i stood out front i led nobody that's a leader would not do what i did nobody's that that's not a leader would not do what i didn't do what i did just love the double negative i mean his accent sort of dropped into full-on soprano's mode there like full-on mob boss yeah i had to do it i had to Get in there, guys.

So that's, I mean, that's why Jacinda Adirn has been so terrible on this whole coronavirus thing, isn't she? She never got into the trenches and got Corona herself. No. What she did was admit to smoking weed. The same with dictator Dan. Why wasn't he getting Corona? He should have just banged a security guard. The Chaser Report.

News you know you can't trust. Do you and your partner suffer from incompatible sex drives? The Scott Morrison Beach Town. will solve that problem in an instant. His semi-naked body takes away any desire to ever have sex again. Solve your relationship issues with the Scott Morrison BeachTowel today. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is the Chase of Report. So Dom, Nina.

Yes. I'm having a bit of a midlife crisis. Really? You're not, surely you're more like two-thirds. of the way through your life, Charles. Didn't you just turn 45? I turned 45 a few weeks ago. You're not going to live to 90, man.

You don't look a day over 55. No, but no, it's... And turning 45 was actually all good. Like, it's, you know, I'm not dead yet. I'm quite happy, you know. Yeah, this year that's an achievement, actually. Nice to reach your early 40s at last, you know, 45. You did that.

I feel like that's a few years ago. I'm encroaching on your late 40s currently. Anyway, yesterday I got this letter from the government. Oh, lovely. Well, they're just wishing you happy birthday. Yeah. I'm Scott Morrison.

When you reach 45, they send you a letter. Yeah, welcome to my base. And it's called, it's called Life Check. Oh. It's your free life check. This is honestly true. This sounds a bit sinister. Yeah.

And basically, the vibe is, yes. Look, you're almost dead. Is that what the letter said? You're about to die. Let's just check in to make sure you've, got your will before you die. Literally that's it. You know, have you made you, have you got your affairs in order? Wow. That's insane. 45. And you've got to go onto this website and you've got to fill in this quite long questionnaire to just, you know, make sure you're alive and stuff like

that. That's upsetting. To be fair, I did get a letter on my 27th birthday. They said happy 27th birthday. Don't kill yourself. You're not talented enough. So that was a little bit sad, but I didn't have to go to a website or anything. I mean, this is what I'm wondering. I just like to stay alive. Are you doing very well so far, may I say? How customized is this? Like, they gave you, you're a performer and they tell that to you.

Does this mean, Charles, that you're near the end of your life? Have they worked this out based on profiling you? Yes. Or is it, does everybody who's 45 get it? It's like Robo Debt. They've done a profile. Most people get that letter at about 7.79. Yeah.

But Firth, it's gone up. No, well, I think, in fairness to me, I think everyone who turns 40s to me, I think everyone who turns 45 gets this letter, right? Was it a wake-up call? Like, have you started changing your lifestyles? Well, let me just run you through what the questions were first in the survey. All right. And what the recommendations are.

Okay. Because, you know, yeah, like, it's fairly confronting. This is why I'm having a middle-life crisis. Because of the letter. Because of the letter. Because of the letter. We all know it started well before the letter. Anyway, so the first set of questions were in the category of health, like to check up on how

how healthy you are. Gosh, start with a tough one. And the first question is, how many vegetables do you eat per day? It's honestly true. It's like, talk about the nanny state. Like, this is literally what a nanny would ask you. This is the government asking you. How many vegetables do you eat per day now?

Such hypocrisy. Look at Scomo. Skomo has several spare ties. That guy never ate a vegetable. I think he does, but he hides them in his curries. Oh, I see. That's, I saw it on TikTok. It's a life hack.

If you want to put vegetables into things without people knowing, you can just blend them up and put them in a curry. Yeah, Charles, do that to yourself and then forget. The memory's terrible. Yeah, that's what it'll be. It'll be how many curries do you eat? That's what's gomo will change it to, aren't that? But, yeah, no, and then it goes on to alcohol.

Uh-oh. Oh, you're in trouble. No, no. So this is the good thing. So the question was, you know, how many times per week do you drink alcohol, right? Uh-huh. And, but it had this nice little out thing. So it was like every day, or,

or two to six times per week. Two to six? Yeah, I'll click that. I'm a two to sixer. Because two and six are very different number. I know. Can we just clarify it? That doesn't mean two to six drinks per day.

No, that's two to six times per week, right? Yeah, no, and that's right. And so then the next question. So someone that drinks maybe one drink on Monday and one drink on Friday. Same as me. It's the same as someone that drinks like six drinks every day. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Do you have a day off, Charles?

Do you have a holiday from drinking? Yeah. Which day of the week's your day off? All right. It's not my role. I'm not the government. No, exactly. No, so but then they get to, so this is honestly true.

They get to the next question, which is how many glasses per day would you normally drink, right? And you know how they... And Charles goes, what size of glass? Because this is a leader. That's exactly right, right. And so they go, you know, like obviously wine glasses, 100 mils, he's going, whoever pours themselves a 100 mil glass of wine, right? Beer glasses under this unit are 285 mils.

That's like a midi. Yeah. Oh, that's a Victorian beer. We don't want that. So the maximum number you can choose of any of these drinks is four. Like they sort of assume that, oh, no one ever drinks more than four shots of wine per day. tick four they just know you're an alcoholic like it's like one two three respectable four there's no hope but do you know anyone who only drinks four you know small glasses of wine in

a sitting me yeah just your tiny wines i just imagine you drinking out of you there's like airplane wine bottles yeah tiny wine they probably assume that you spit out the wine at the end of each tasting. Into a spittoon and into a bucket. Anyway, by this point, I'm having serious. You're drinking. Yeah. Well, I was, I think the whole survey is sort of un-Australian. If you can only claim to have drunk four beers in a night.

Yeah, where's booty? Where's booty on that scale? It's a bloody hour rate. Anyway, so then it goes on. And this is honestly true. Remember, I'm only 45. It says how many of these activities Do you need assistance doing?

Cooking, cleaning, mobility. And the picture for mobility is a zimmer frame. Wow. It's a zimmer frame. See, I'm two years away from getting this letter. And my issue is, I haven't learned to cook and clean. I'm an adolescent who's a 40-something. Well, maybe, actually, you should do this life check-in.

I don't have left my game. I think getting old is like at the sunset, Like the sun sets slowly But then once it gets stuck It gets stuck real quickly Like you're like Yeah I'm nimble now But it's coming guys

But it was also interesting Because they included things like Gardening and personal care And it was sort of like Are they offering to come and do the gardening for me Like is that the sort of Because that would be useful I think they're trying to guilt trip you

Into doing some actual gardening I mean I know that the government has a system Of aged care assessments Like an ACAT I didn't know that they started out at 45. Well, okay, so then we get on to financial, right?

And the first thing it tells you when you start in the financial section is that they go, did you know, ASIC's MoneyLink website provides advice to you, blah, blah, blah, blah. And you're going, so they're just plugging their own, you know, ASIC money link service, right? You're going, ASEC is famous for allowing white-collar crime and corruption in Australia. Yeah, they're like, learn how to scam this system. You can't have any retirement savings. Just become a white-collar criminal. Assy will tick it off.

Yes, it's brilliant. Of course, that actually makes total sense now. Okay, anyway, so then this is honestly, like, it was like, what is your priorities? And I had to choose what my three priorities are from this list. My pension entitlements, using my home as retirement income, organizing a will, age care support, or how to keep working. Surely in 2020 it's how to keep working, right? Everyone in the whole country of any age has that problem.

I know. Surely it's staying away from aged care. That's a coronavirus hotspot and the government doesn't care. That's true. Anyway, so then, and then finally it gets to the social side of things. And the first thing it tells you is research suggests the key to enjoying life after you stop work. Because somehow I think I've stopped work because I'm 45. No, it's just because you're not very popular.

He's not always hiring you. Yeah, it's because you haven't been getting much work. And the government's like, oh, yeah, he's retired. How did they know? Yeah, Hayday was in the 90s, yeah. Surely the key to enjoying life is retirement. Now, can I tell you what the key of life is according to them? What?

This is honestly true. Five hours per week of meaningful activities. Right. That's it? So there are 168 hours in the week. I did the maths. And they reckon, well, as long as you're not bored for five of them and you just board for the 163 hours remaining, then you're fine.

Also, what is a meaningful activity? Like, drinking could be a meaningful activity. That's true, yeah. If that's included. You're getting way more than your hours. That's more than five hours. Well, I've got to say in 2020, who among us can boast have five good hours a week? Like, that's just, that's not a thing we do anymore.

Yeah, no, that is true. That's very true. Anyway, so then it asks, is there anything preventing you being as socially active as you'd like? Right. And the top answer is no. Right? Which is sort of like That's the ultimate loser thing

It's like You're socially You're not socially active But you have no good reason But then it's things like Transport, care responsibilities Money I'm shy

Don't have enough time I'm shy And it's like What about the fucking pandemic? Yeah That's not even on the list Surely that would be on the list Anyway so I did this survey

I like I'm shy existing as a box on a government family That's my box. That's so funny. I wish I'd known at sort of age 16. That was a box you could tick him. At least someone would acknowledge you and your problems in some way.

They're just being like, I'm shy. Like it just, I don't know, it just, it doesn't sound right to me. Well, then, like, so you're thinking, oh, they're using this because it'll be some sort of, like they'll give you helpful advice and, you know, you know, and it's early into the data. Yeah, triaging you. Yeah. And they'll help you be less shy. No, drinkless.

Instead, and this is honestly true. You can see it. They give you a star rating, like how well you're doing. They literally give you a ranking. Oh my God. So if you tick, I'm shy, you get like one star on social life out of five. Which is why I'm already giving myself in my head. So it just validates all your fears.

Yes. Fuck, that's so funny. How did you go? How did you rank? I got two out of five for health. That's generous. Generous. And so, and part of it is like they warned me that drinking four or more standard drinks

at any one time is considered binge drinking. right, and said it can lead to risky behaviours. And you go, I'm 45, I'm almost dead. That's what I want in my life. I want some risk. I want some jeopardy. Yeah, I want to feel alive. Charles, isn't it 12 months since you came off a bike

while Pearson massively injured yourself? So haven't you ticked that box already, my friend? Oh, yeah, I'd forgotten about that. That's probably the drinking that made me forget. It's part of the midlife crisis. Charles is trying to ride a bike to prove himself is still young. And then the next thing, It says 95% of adults don't eat the recommended five to six serves of vegetables per day.

Five to six vegetables per day. Who wrote this fucking survey? Gandhi? Like what the fuck? Five to six serves of vegetables a day. Does anyone, no one? You should show your kids this because they would just, every time you wanted them to eat their vegetables, they'd be like, Dad, 95% of people don't even eat them.

Why do I have to eat a broccoli? I'll just eat chips. I feel like this is the last remaining bit of Malcolm Turnbull. time as PM, like the end of the box is just going to be like, drink some greed tea and, you know, go and do deadlifts and kayaking. Go kayak in the harbour. Go write a blog from the point of, from the perspective of your puppy dog. Really get those creative juices flowing. Well, I think you might actually be... Go kill your ex-girlfriend's cat. So, and then the final thing is finances. So in terms of my ranking in finances, I think I've got

three out of five. It's not too bad, right? This is so funny that it sums up, it just goes, you're unhealthy, you're fat, you're poor, and you're going to die? Like, can you imagine if you just got zero or one star and everything? Like, you would just give up, surely. Like, there would be nothing in your will that could help anyone, you know? I mean, I appreciate this, Charles,

because I'm, I think, 18 months away from this letter or so. Yeah. This gives me 18 months to fix up every single area of my life. The Chaser Report. You know you can't trust. Today's episode of The Chaser Report is brought to you by the Scott Morrison BeachTow at chasershop.com. Charles, what, why?

Well, it was either that or a Peter Dutton BeachTow. Okay, I get it now. Commemorate the time our nation's leader pissed off to Hawaii during a national crisis. The Scott Morrison Beachtow. Only at chaser shop.com. None of the medical advice contained in the chaser report should legally be considered medical advice. The Chaser Report.

Well, that's just about it for this. week. Oh, hang on, we've got breaking news from Rebecca Day in a Moono. I'm so glad you can still be surprised after the government's told you your life is over. Yeah, memory, one star. Experts have confirmed that living through a once-in-a-one-year global pandemic is actually quite boring. A wide-ranging study showed that even though it sounds like it'd be quite exciting to live through this historic event, it's actually incredibly tedious, especially because all the good movies are being withheld until after it's over. Thanks, Beck.

Thanks to our producer, Mike Liberali. We're going to leave you this week with an ad for the government's life check. And I think you'll like it. I'm surprised it's not called lifekeeper. You've turned 45. Yeah. You're getting old. Well, not really.

You need a zimmer frame to get around. Hang on. The Australian government offers extremely old people like you and important. life check so that you can get your affairs in order. I'm only 45! Make sure your loved ones know your end-of-life preferences before it's too late. Life check, helping you face up to your imminent death. Oh, kill me now.

That's the spirit.