The Chaser Report - Captivating Mineral Resources | Andrew Hansen

Episode Date: September 1, 2024

Andrew is fascinated by words said by a mining billionaire who wants to make sure his workers aren't having breaks, getting coffee, or having any work/life balance whatsoever. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gatigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report. Do we here with the wonderful Andrew once again live from Melbourne, Victoria. Hello, Andrew. Yes, hello to you from Melbourne, Victoria. Over to you in Sydney, Victoria. No, no, don't say where I'm from.

That doesn't matter. The important point is that your end of the conversation is made in Melbourne. No, Andrew, we never say anything's made in Sydney, something's made in Melbourne, you have to say it is made in Melbourne. It's a very big deal here, I mean, I even think, I sometimes suspect even the sewerage workers here in Melbourne, you know, have a little stamp

and they stamp the little jobbies as they go past on the conveyor belt. Made in Melbourne. Yes, yes, unlike Kyle and Jackie O, which is not made in Melbourne. It's definitely not not, not made in Melbourne. And Sydney, we love talking about dirty sex things.

That's all our conversation. It's just lewd, promiscuous. a bit gross. You don't go for that down there, do you? That's what's what I'm hearing. We've got very classy, classy entertainment. It's all triple R down here. It's all arts and culture down here. We don't know. We don't do that sort of stuff. A terribly sophisticated city, Melbourne. It's because we can't go outside in the weather. Yes, yes, yes. Instead, we have these very sort of, you know, cerebral pursuits inside. I mean, speaking of being held captive, though, Domi, have you seen the news about this interesting company policy

out of, not Sydney, not Melbourne, but Western Australia. Western Australia. Well, we were talking only a short while ago, Andrew, on the podcast, about the dangers in Western Australia, the crime wave that, according to one manufacturer of affordable funeral earns, is sweeping through inner Perth. But look, why don't you tell us about this latest shock horror from the West after this?

Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore. FIS is 100% online, so you can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply. Details at FIS.ca. So, who's this brought to us by?

Is it L. Cheapo Furnaces or something? Who's funded this one? Look, I don't know if we've got affordable or earned this morning. No, no, no. This one this morning is brought to us by a mining company. Wonderful. From Western Australia. You don't have to, you're not going to mean any danger if you work for this mining company because they don't let you out.

It's a very interesting story in the Guardian about the policy. You know, we're always flexible working we've had the last few years, you know, with people demanding some sort of quality of life at work. They want some sort of balance, you know, where they're allowed to do this and that. Well, there is a managing director of, what's the company? Oh, the company, a very exciting name for the company. They're called mineral resources. I mean, for one thing, you're already smiling when you walk in the door working for this company. Yeah.

But he doesn't let you leave. He doesn't do working from home. Well, this is the thing. Andrew, I've always thought I'd love to work in the mining industry. I've heard that the salaries are wonderful, very, very impressive. But I gather you can't work from home when you have a job in mining, which is unfortunate. Because I would mine coal for sure if I could do it from home. I'd love to do it.

I'd be happy to dig underneath the kitchen. what I can find under there, who knows? There might be a vein of lithium. Well, they're more likely to be veins of lithium from all my mental health medication under my bathroom, I imagine, over the years. But, you know, who knows what we might find under our homes, Tommy, if we worked from home. That's right.

So what is the basis for this mining company? You're saying that they won't let you leave? How deep does this go? Is it like, you know, Amazon, where toilet brakes are strictly regulated and you ought to pee into a bottle or something? As you run through the warehouse fulfilling orders for shit? It's pretty similar. of that. I mean, look, you know, the MD,

a guy called Chris Ellison, gave this presentation the other day. And I'll quote him, you know, I don't want to sort of, you know, put words into his mouth. So I'll quote him as what he said about the workers. He said, I want to hold them captive all day long.

I don't want them leaving the building. I don't want them walking down the road for a cup of coffee. End quote. Sorry, Andrew, I don't know that's his voice. You might not really talk like that, but in my head, that's perhaps how it sounds. Is this company run by Gargamel from the Smurfs?

What's going on? Well, even Gargamel, I think, allowed the Smurfs some freedom in the village. Yes, I think the cat, he was his one friend and a worker. I think the cat had more flexibility. Yeah, no, I feel they did, yes, yes. It's not true to him, he's actually annoyed. What do you think about him is he's annoyed that everyone else is not the same. So, you know, he says,

Again, and I quote, I have a no work from home policy. I wish everyone else would get on board with that. The sooner the better, the industry can't afford it, in quote, he said. So, you know, so it's not just him. But look, it sounds like a lovely place to work, and I'm minded, I think, when you work at this mining company, Domney. I imagine it's pretty similar to the seven dwarfs who whistle when they work.

You know, they head off to the mine happily whistling. Yeah, that's right. They do. Yeah, because the way he describes it, it sounds amazing. says that they've got a restaurant in there. Oh, sorry, I'd better quote him. We've got a restaurant in there. We've also got a gym.

And we've got other facilities that keep them glued in there. End quote. And so it does sound like a wonderful bot, really. You've got your own restaurant. I mean, you never need to leave, really. Well, this is the question. It's one thing to not allow breaks. But, I mean, I'm just wondering if this mining company

has just really gone to the whole logical extreme and not allowing people to go home. because wouldn't it be more productive if people just slept on site perhaps in some sort of shift arrangements that they all had a shared dorm and they got I mean they'd get their eight hours Andrew they'd get the eight hours but that'd be years

and then you'd get up you're ahead dummy I can't believe that this MD hasn't thought of that he's only mentioned the restaurant and the gym but you're quite right it should be really rooms in their bunks all the stuff you need you know maybe a little

what else do people like a pub a little pub you just put bars bars over the windows of the dorms, just to stop people from getting in, of course. Oh, yes, you wouldn't want extra people in, no. Mini golf. I know, mini golf in many ways is a form of torture. Maybe that's a punishment room. You get sent to the mini golf.

Yeah, that's right. Yeah, no, I think, I mean, the important point is, why would you ever want to leave? A wonderful, I assume this is just at a mine, right? So it's in a remote location near nothing else. Would it be only just sort of bush or scrub or desert around? You wouldn't want to leave, would you? You're right, Tommy, like, how are the people popping out for a coffee anyway? Yes.

Where's the nearest cafe? You're in the Pilbara or something? I don't know where you are. Yes, yes. We're mining out the middle of some blasted off mountain top. No, so instead it's got it all in the... I mean, what I like to imagine is the workers, you know, excitedly booking a table of the restaurant for like a romantic dinner.

Oh, yes. I want to take out for a candlelit dinner tonight at the mineral resources restaurant. What does the food? Is it just sort of like all mining punned? Is it like Rocky Roads and dessert? Three, three hats, Domit. Three hard hats.

Three hard hats. Fantastic restaurant. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, they got, man. Matt Preston, I believe, raving about the mineral resources restaurant. I imagine that have, you know, two kinds of meat pie.

Maybe. It's so luxurious. And that'd be it. That they've stretched beyond the one. What about the parents? I mean, this is probably my favorite detail. And I think this is how really any good society ought to be run. This is another thing the MD said, if you happen to have little children,

it sounds like you've really got, well, not only your life, but your children's lives are also going to be absolute utopian perfection, because this is what he says. Another reason for them to come and enjoy work, drop the little tykes off next door. We've got doctors on board and nurses. We're going to feed them, but mum and dad will be working in our office. end quote So I mean look I can't think of a better way To spend your childhood really Than being raised by mineral resources

Well there's a long tradition isn't there Of kids being sent to work down the mine And the important thing And I think this has been lost In all this focus on health and safety In the mining industry Is that little kids can get into spaces That adults can't

If you've got If you're just at the very end of the mine You're not sure is there Oh is there a little bit more gold down there Send a five-year-old down there I mean my six-year-old's tiny She can squeeze into little spaces I can't get into. And plus there's doctors.

There's doctors. So it's all fine. And what, well, there are doctors. But I'm interested in the doctor. Before we don't move on too quickly from the doctors, though, dummy. Because I'm wondering, why does the cray, like, how dangerous is this craze?

That it requires a fleet of doctors. There's a full ICU. What goes on? What happens in the craze? There's like, they've got a full surgical suite right there. Um, well, I mean, I don't know whether there have been any collapses or cave-ins at this mine, but you can't be too careful.

Oh, maybe. Oh, it's for the problems that possibly you're right, Domney. It's for the little, you know, 19th century children who are, as you say, candles on their hats. A little wax stuck to their little heads. Yeah, I mean, when you say crushed, that's one word to use. The other would be that it's a learning experience about the awesome force of rock. When it falls a true, you're not going to forget it. With respect, you'd respect the country.

It's a geology lesson of sorts. You could identify, you know, was my arm crushed by ignorant or igneous or sedentary rock? It'd be enormously, enormously useful. I think so, too. I mean, it just sounds wonderful all round, really, isn't it? It reminds me that kind of, I think, well, Disney did a similar thing. Didn't Disney set up a little, like a whole town where, you know, all their workers could live? I think there's something like that.

I don't know if it ever happened, or if it was just a proposal. Yeah, well, that's right. This does happen. I mean, certainly true. I think, didn't they make that movie the little mine made about the little girl? We get sent to work in the mine. No, but companies do do this. I mean, famously in Asia, Korea, in Japan, there are company towns.

I think Tesla are building all these houses in, because they've moved everyone to Texas, because Elon Musk thinks California's too woke. He's made everyone move to Texas into houses that he's built himself. This is, no, this is what you do. The company gives you a housing, a doctor, and you just can't leave. So unless you want, you know, liberty. It's wonderful to be a company person Yeah, no, it does sound good

And I don't know if you saw Oppenheimer recently But that, you know, it's very much like that too, isn't it? There's a little, built this little town out in the desert All the scientists there sworn to secrecy So, yeah, I think it sounds beautiful And I understand why the MD is doing this Particularly at this mining company, Dombey Because I think, you know, he's going through a really hard time

Oh, no, let's just take a moment for him Let's take a moment. Let's listen to him. Let's listen to the real guy. I mean, look, I've done my impression. Oh, we're going to find out how accurate your impression is. Let's do that after. Yeah, let's see how close it is.

He may not be making any money out of all this generosity, but we need to, so let's pay some ads. Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore. FIS is 100% online, so you can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply.

Details at FIS. The Chaser Report More news Less often All right So Nate you've been doing impressions of this guy And look you're a master impressionist Andrew You're very very talented

Your litany of voices that you bring I can only imagine you've accurately rendered the strains As terrifying as they may be Of this man I'm sure you wouldn't misrepresent What he actually sounds like in real life No no no I look It's not that I've studied in closely I just was reading his quotes in print.

But, you know, and then I quickly dug up the audio. And I did discover after the fact that it doesn't sound exactly the same as I'd imagine. Oh, I see. But they're pretty close. You know, pretty close. I mean, you know, have a listen. First of all, you know, what he said at this presentation about, you know, the lithium company situation in general. This is what the managing director of the scintillatingly named mineral resources had to say about that.

No one is making money in this market I mean let's be really, really clear on that there's no lithium companies making money No one's making money except perhaps for the managing director of mineral resources who according to The Guardian was paid Dommy $6 million last year

You think he can show a little more excitement He sounds very bored I must say Andrew The Man of a Thousand Voices You haven't quite nailed this one yet You don't think it's close Have you got another You don't think my impression is close

Have you got another clip maybe just so that you can listen? And there was sort of like a, I'm not sure whether it was a Kiwi or a South African. Maybe Kiwi by way of South African accent going on there that in your sort of medieval baron voice needs to have been a little bit lost, the sort of flat vowels. Do we listen again? What's he saying here? Have a listen. I've been through all of the downturns.

It's not a fun time. I mean, this is the shittiest time to be the MD of a company. I mean, you've got to really carve the costs out of everything you're doing. You look at every single person. We're doing that. We're throwing everything off the deck just to make sure we can serve cash. Wow, so he's throwing people off the deck. No, right of there's doctors.

People have been thrown off the deck. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my God. But is he on a ship? Is it a mining ship? Maybe it's a sort of North Sea mining operation. I might have misunderstood the whole Western Australian thing here.

Maybe he constructed because, I mean, obviously no expense spared in the setup that they've got. Maybe he built a special deck to throw people off when, when times are tough. And every workplace should have this. Every workplace needs a deck. That's right. And I think it would make redundancies a lot clearer, wouldn't it? The redeployment option would kind of be ruled out for those forced up onto the deck. Yeah, no, you'd be sent to that.

Well, you'd get an email from your boss, I suppose, just, you know, first, saying on Wednesday, you are required to attend an appointment on the deck. Yes. And I imagine they'd say, please bring a support person, if required. Yes. And maybe you'd both be thrown. Potentially a very bouncing. one in the hope of bouncing off them when you get to...

Yeah, yeah, the support person is there that you can land on top of them. Please bring an emotional support co-deceased so that your families can get through this together. That's nice. Human resources are so thoughtful these days. I mean, there's doctors for the kitties, child care centres, and a deck to be thrown off. A deck to be thrown off. Yes, while human resources just make absolutely sure that you have definitely been thrown off the deck and can't get back on. Yes, indeed.

It's a one-way deck. That's what H-R-4 really, isn't? They're there to defend the company And while they chuck you off the deck But I think it's important to note Andrew From that last clip And I don't want to minimise What this guy's been through

Because it sounds to me To be really fair And we must be fair, Andrew, we must That the victim in all this is him It's the CEO No, we can't imagine what he's been through Andrew having to run this company Through a faint downturn

Oh, it must be awful I mean, you know The fact that he was paid only $6 million last year And you know The headline says he is a billionaire So presumably he's accustomed to being paid a lot more than that. I mean, you know, that's probably a severe pay cut.

When you're a billionaire and you work for a million and $6 million a year, you're giving money away, aren't you? It's a pittance. Almost an insult to get $6 million. Here's some of it. Look, I've got some of the mineral resources bosses money right here. He's dropped it. It's lying all over my office here, my podcast studio.

No wonder is they're just lavishing doctors on everybody. No wonder they are. But, Dommy, I'd like to conclude this, though, with just a thought about, you know, why. Why has he created this situation? I often wonder, you know, we've got a list lovely labour-saving technology these days, especially for office jobs. I mean, you know, even physical jobs, I guess the tech has improved. But in an office nowadays, we've got computers, we've email, lovely graphic design things. Sure.

You know, what used to take five full days in the 1950s, today you could probably get the same thing done in a day or two. Indeed. And yet for some reason, we still insist that everybody work five days a week. Rather than say, oh, isn't this nice? Why do we actually use the better world we live in to work less? And I'm particularly interested in the crash with the doctors. Yes. Why do these companies want you to have your children raised at the company?

And I've got a theory on this, Tommy. Have you seen the TV show Succession? I have. I love the TV show Succession. And it just goes to show how helpful. helpful and healthy it can be for young children to be raised from an early age in a business. In a business, you see. And I think that's what the craish is all about, you know, with its doctors ready to resuscitate all the kids.

Yeah. I think it's there because the CEO wants to find a successor. It needs to find somebody with the same sort of psychopathic tendencies that CEOs generally tend to have. And the only way to get that is to make sure that you remove the kid from any sort of normal. emotional upbringing. Wonderful. Where they, you know, they're around their parents and things like that. And instead raise them in a, you know, 100% corporate environment on their own.

Donnie, I've even, look, I've even thrown together with an advertisement for a service like this, looking for the next CEO. This is very exciting. Let's have a listen. Do you have what it takes to be a CEO? Maybe. Were you raised in an artificial pod by a corporation? Yes.

Do you not know what your parents' faces look like? No. Then you could be the perfect candidate. to take over a company where you never let anybody leave. That sounds great. That sounds like paradise. That sounds fantastic. Call now to apply.

Wow. There you go. I got to use my villain voice again, Donnie. The CEO came back to voice. That's really uncanny. Andrew, that is wonderful. I just have one thing to say before we go. Charles is, I think he's going to be back next week.

So if you wouldn't mind just taking a look at the wonderful deck we've had put in here at the Chaser Report. Just overhear it a little way. Just bring an emotional support person with you, if you would. What an interesting deck you have, W? This is a lovely deck. Oh, I like the edge of the deal. And here's from Road.

A part of the Iconclass network, and our idea for the deck is thanks to mineral resources. Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on. on hold anymore. FIS is 100% online, so you can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply. Details at fizz.ca.