The Chaser Report - Cautionary Tails | Andrew Hansen

Episode Date: August 28, 2022

In which Dom and Andrew heed Charles' cautionary tale of his weekend trip to buy a dog. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report. I'm Charles Firth and today we've got Dom Knight and Andrew Hanson. Hello there, Charles Firth and Dominic Knights. Anyway, I wanted to tell you about something that happened last weekend to me. Oh, it's the Charles Firth Weekend podcast. No one's impersonating this one, I don't think. But I do enjoy them.

Which is, I admit. He says, I admit, and then he collapses in a fit of guilty coughing. Well, it doesn't make sure now as the lungs are collapsing, it's all falling apart. It's not covered. It's because just before I started this podcast, I bought some wasabi-flavored peas, right? And the woman at the store actually said, oh, be careful of those. I personally eat these, and you'll need water. clearly what are you doing is

like this is a vocal medium Charles why would you rock up to a podcast a recording session armed with a bag of the I think it's a great idea it makes it more interesting it raises the stakes like normally Charles sometimes takes a while

to finish a sentence and there's ums and distractions he hasn't generally physically suffered it's more the listeners that suffer when Charles can't get to the end of the sentence but I like the jeopardy in you eating something very very full on because I love to say that

Should I have another one? They're very moorish. Yeah, yeah. You're supposed to have Marnikkanah or something like that before you do a voice thing. I love that they're wasabi flavoured peas, not, not, they don't contain wasabi. No, no, no, they do. They're the only peas I've ever eaten like these that actually contain wasabi. Admittedly, 0.3% wasabi.

But, you know, that's better than most. Do they contain peas? No, I doubt it. I don't know what these green things are. They're probably just mold, isn't they? Stop eating these dangerous snacks. So Charles has a mildly inconvenient snack. Was that the highlight of your weekend?

Is that what the podcast's about? No, no, no. Okay. And look, I just want to preface this by saying, this does not reflect well on me. I know that this is not going to make me likable. It's not going to raise my cue scores. Andrew, having known Charles for a very long time,

in your case, having lived with Charles, did you expect that a story about Charles's weekend would make him likable? Are you shocked to hear that? This may happen? I've never spent a weekend with you, Charles, after which I thought, gee, you were likable. No, that's never happened. So nothing's changed, but this is just the latest instalment. So the thing is, and, you know, long-time listeners may remember this, which is I hate dogs, right?

I don't like dogs. I know that that doesn't make me likable. It doesn't make you likable at all makes you very unlikable. But it's because I got mauled by two big black dogs when I was about four years old. Did you have to say black? Was that relevant to the story? Well, yeah. They were terrifyingly.

They were terrifyingly huge. Okay. And they were, they mauled me. Like all the other kids ran to the other side of the street and left me to sort of run away. The dogs thought that I was playing or something like that and just bould me over and started scratching me. It was horrific. Well, they were not mawling. They were playing with you.

And that's a reason to dislike kids. Or, I mean, playing with him or toying with their food. It's hard to tell sometimes. But presumably, Charles, you didn't run away. You said to them, I've got a business proposition for you and tried to fix them on a company. No, look, I'm not going to let you derail this derailed anecdote. All right. So anyway, my kids now want a dog.

I don't want to appear unlikable to my kids. And I also don't want to pass on my childhood trauma to the next generation. Are you doing well on that so far? So I, no, I'm creating a whole lot of new childhood drama for them. No, no, so I, I have been going along with this. With the dog plan. But you know how, like, when you're a parent, you sort of in charge of the momentum and inertia of these plans that your kids have.

And so it's, oh, yes, yes, yes. Well, you know, one day we'll get a dog. Yes, yes, yes. Oh, yeah. In the distant future. Just as soon as you've all got university degrees, that'll be the perfect time. Get a dog. And anyway, but it's sort of coming to a head because it's sort of like, oh, well, you know,

after the lockdowns are all over, maybe that. You know, I think we just sort of were a little bit too specific in our afters a few years ago. And it's now getting to the point where we really have to start looking at dogs, right? So my 11-year-old, whose birthday is coming up, said, you know, let's go and look at some dogs. You know, there's a pet store out in the Hills District near where you grew up, Andrew Hanson. Yes, I did, yes. There are pet stores near where I grew up.

Yes, very exotic place. So he goes, why don't you, why don't we go out there and we'll look at the dogs and they'll just be all very cute and everything like that. So I go, yes, and he goes, why don't we catch public transport? Because then it'll take longer, right? Which is always the aim. Yes. No, no, but this is not an unreason thing.

Like, for the last few months, every time we go out, Angus says, well, whatever the longest way is, let's go on that route. Because he doesn't like being at home with you. Oh, that's actually understandable. Does he go without you? Is that the thing? You stay home. No, no, no. No, we went to a concert the other night, and by far the fastest way would have been to just catch a ferry.

But instead, we caught a light rail, a little ferry, another ferry. and then got there about an hour and a half later. You are the only family in the history of public transport in Australia that wanted it to take longer. I know exactly. Well, this is the thing, right? So we start our adventure. It is like 9 a.m. on Sunday morning.

We set out and I go, well, actually the trains in Sydney are on strike at the moment. You can just, you can get anywhere by train for free in this thing. look up and make sure there's no track work, no track work on the trains, right, this weekend. So it's not an anecdote about trackwork. Oh, this is the apology. This is the apology weekend, is it? No, no, this is not the apology weekend.

This is the strike weekend where they've just opened all the ticket gates and you can just go in for, it's illegal, but you just do it anyway. And then it's good to support the workers, not to get cheap fare. Anyway, we hop on this bus to get out to Kellyville, right? Two and a half hours later, we arrive in. Kellyville. The fucking bus took two and a half hours. Like a holiday. It's like you may as well

have gone to the snow. I asked the staff woman as we're hopping on, I said how long will it take to get to Kellyville? She said about a bit more than half an hour. She wasn't wrong. Two and a half hours. Two and a fucking half hours. That was my entire fucking weekend

was spent on a fucking bus. Well to be fair, you really... To get a dog that I don't even want. But Charles, you really... delivered what your child wanted, which was the longest possible public transport. I wouldn't have thought you could spend two and a half hours on any form of transport and still be in the city of Sydney. That's getting up to greater Newcastle, two and a half hours.

It's because it had to go via every store. And I'll tell you what is really interesting about the Hills District. No, there's no second half of this. No, is like the number of megachurches we passed. Oh, yeah. And they're all like, they're like these Westfields. And they were just people spilling out because it's Sunday morning onto the, into these. these large gatherings.

Did you see Scott Morrison there praying for his future? I don't think, I think he was sticking to the... Well, he was probably... Probably the pastor. He was probably the past. He appointed himself to pastor. Probably the dog. You probably adopt the dog and discover it's him.

Anyway, another role that he's adopted. We get to this pet store, amazing pet store. But best pet store in Australia. They then say, oh, if you want to pat the pets, you've got to wait for 40 minutes. You've got to sanitise your hands and then not touch anything for 40. 40 minutes and then we'll come and... Really? Is that because they suspect you're having monkey pox or something?

It's because the pets are not vaccinated. Right. And so they don't want to get them, you know... Okay, so hang on. So to summarize, the bus took a very long time. You're padding the pets took a very long time. I reckon Scott Morrison was in both of those jobs. He was driving the bus and then he ran the pet store and there was no vaccine.

Yeah. It all fits. And there was a very long delay. So Angus falls in love with this, you know, little dash hound, right, which are the most impractical dogs in the world. Like, if you want a dog, get a dog that you can't, like, they went, oh, if you accidentally, you know, do anything to it, it will break its spine, right? Like, they are the worst dogs in existence.

So it's usually like, oh, yeah, if they jump, they, they die, right? Are you saying Daxons can't jump without it being fatal? Yeah, well, this was a miniature Daxon. And so not only do you have to buy the dog, but you have to buy. ramps for your bed and your couch. Ramps! And you've got to gait off any stairs because they can't go upstairs because that'll also break their back.

I mean, I can't work out whether this is ridiculous or incredibly pitiable. Why did we breed a dog that can't leap in any way? I will tell you why they breed these dogs, because they go for fucking three and a half thousand dollars. What the fuck? For a little Daxson who can't jump. What's the warranty on? them. I mean, you'd really want, they'd be a very high, um, can you bring them back if the

mind breaks? They, um, they've got a three-year warranty. That's honestly, no way. They do. They're a three-manufacturer's warranty. It's like, no, it's called a genetic warranty. So if any genetic defects in the first three years, they cover the cost. It'd be good if your kid had that, wouldn't it? Back to the ward. Take it back to the nurse. Wow. But then the genius, I suppose, Charles, is that because you went on public transport that It took a very long time. There's no possible way, particularly with such a fragile dog.

You couldn't possibly take it home. No, because the buses are all like bumping and everything like that. They would have destroyed the dog. Yeah, no. So, luckily we didn't get a dog. Although we did, as we were late, and Angus was really disappointed. But it was out with daddy. His expectations surely were in line with that.

They were selling mice for 1995. And guess how long the warranty on the mice are pirated between the shop and the car? There's a mouse warranty. There's a mouse warranty. Two weeks. Two weeks. Right.

So they said, you know. Two week warranty. You should go to choice. That's a disgrace. That's not long enough. Can you, can you, is there an optional three week warranty? I can, I have an extra $600. That's actually more than I thought.

I thought it would be like 24 hours because the mice that we had as children, it wasn't long after we got them until cannibalism broke out, right? There was a mice that was called nibbles. My brother called the mouse nibbles. Apply named. As the tail became shorter and shorter,

we realised it was more like nibbled. Oh, wow. Yeah. Oh, dear. Really? The tail was seen as a delicious canopae by the other mouse. But I thought the interesting thing was that

with the mice warranty, with the $20 mouse, I can't remember the phrasing, but it was like, we'll give you back your money if it sort of has a genetic defect within that two weeks. But we won't fix it. Perform open heart surgery on this mouse to fix it. I think they're just chucking in the ears. I thought it was supposed to be repair or replace generally in these situations.

Oh, okay. All right. You get a replacement mouse. I mean, surely that's just what they feed the cats. Yeah, that's a quarantine. Defective mice. Well, not a 1995 a pop, they wouldn't. That's true.

Might as well feed them cat caviar. So where are you at with this? So you don't want to get a dog. So I don't know. Look, I want to put a bit of a call out to listeners, which is if you've got some sort of dog that you don't like, you want to get rid of, I don't want to pay three and have that. I was thinking like maybe a hundred bucks or something, that would be fair, like 50 bucks?

We have a dog. And I've got to say, the thing. value proposition on the dog is becoming a bit problematic. I mean, not only does that... Well, this is the dog that cost you like $12,000 or something because it got, it ate a grape. It ate a grape. Have you heard about

this? That's true of any dog. Oh, yeah, no, no, you should never feed it a grape to a dog. Well, no, no, but... When you have a toddler. He fed... Yeah, and she fed... She fed a she fed a grape to the dog, and then about a week later, she fed another fucking twice in a week and had to get the stomach pump both times. It was expensive.

But this dog now has, he's lost the ability to control is we. So there's we all over the place now. You've got to walk him several times a day. And he's, despite being basically a senior citizen, he's still incredibly aggressive at any other dog. Now, the area where Charles and I live, our suburb, because my neighbours,

has more dogs than you can possibly imagine. You walk down the street and every 10 metres or so, you have to say, sorry, I'm so sorry, he's a rescue, and frankly, his personality is horrible. So, Charles, if you wanted a dog, I could perhaps arrange me to take out. He's not going to live for that long, and they're not going to be great years. That suits me.

That's fine. That's good. And I'm not giving you any warranty for his spine, but he can jump. So that's good. Well, that's a huge bonus. I mean, he's basically a little sociopath. And does he eat wasabi peas? Don't give him wasabi grapes.

That much I can do you. Yeah. Well, look, I'll keep you informed because I know you're waiting with baited breath on the next. Contact Charles on social media if you have a solution. In particular, Charles, you probably prefer to be paid $3,000 to take the dog. Yeah, I think that's, I think that's a good idea. I think that that's what people should offer me. But just, and this is, apropos nothing to do with dogs,

I've just discovered that I obviously had some wasabi pee on my finger, and I've rubbed my eye, and my eye is now killing me. So also don't do that as well. I really, this has been a very cautionary podcast. There's nothing in this entire story that I would have liked to have done. our gear is from road oh god he's peace

our gear is from road he's still struggling with why is the credits guy eating the peas we're part of the a cast grader network catch you tomorrow don't give Charles your dog