The Chaser Report - Charles fires Dom

Episode Date: July 8, 2021

Charles is back! Dom gets fired! Everyone else misses Dan! Also, Charles has the worst holiday ever, we determine whether NSW is having a lockdown or a lockdown, and Lachlan tests Charles' news knowledge. Featuring Rebecca De Unamuno in the Stay At Home Newsroom. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Welcome to The Chaser Report for Friday, the 9th of July. Charles Firth is back after two weeks, or nearly two weeks, away from the podcast. Hello, Charles. Oh, I'm so relaxed, Dom. Two weeks away from having to work, an hour a day. It's just been, ah, bliss. And not a care in the world, right?

You just spent the past two weeks luxurious. putting your feet up. Nothing's been bothering you at all. Well, I want to play you some of the sounds of my holiday. Here's a little clip from Djibiru Town Lake in the Kakadu National Park. Oh, Charles. Isn't it nice? That's so idyllic, you lucky bastard.

That's a sort of, that's a bird call of this sort of squatish brown eagle. It's amazing. I look at this amazing close-up look at it, because I had to look. at it on YouTube because I've been fucking locked down and I can't go to fucking Darwin. I mean, this is a sad story. There was going to be a big international trip last year. Yes.

Got cancelled for COVID. But then this year, you thought you'd be fine to stay within Australia going to a beautiful part of the country. To a place where they just don't have any lockdowns ever. Darwin hadn't had any lockdowns at all. Safe as houses. And then literally two days before we were due to live, they locked down. we've locked down

everything locked down anyway so but YouTube is an amazing resource and so next year I'm planning to go on a trip around YouTube so you've had the two weeks with the kids you've been in lockdown they've been on holidays I'm guessing perhaps not quite what you're hoping for in terms of quality memory for the future no but Dom there's so many memories

because one of the things that happened the day after lockdown started is that our the house next door to us started their renovations. No. They're very extensive renovations. Really? Yes.

And although yesterday, just as an example, this has been going on for weeks, but they decided to jackhammer the entire house. Wow. Although that said, the one thing I've really wanted to do in the past two weeks is throw stuff. So maybe if you could have just helped with the jackhammering bit, that might have been quite therapeutic. I mean, I must say it is, it's a testament to how used to noise of renovations I've got. Yesterday, I was having a now.

nap on the couch and there was jack hammering going on like literally next to my ear and I fell asleep like that's how mindful I've become don't it's very impressive well charles it is very nice to have you back and um I've missed uh daily chats but let me just say yeah that the numbers of the podcast done very very well with Dan in the chair so if you want to spend two more weeks with your family just go ahead mate no fucking way dom I'm taking it back right now on today's show So intern Lockland is going to give you a quiz, Charles, to check how much of the news you've been consuming during your holiday. And I want to test whether Sydney's lockdown is hard enough

because some cynics are suggesting that it isn't. But first, let's go to Rebecca Day in the Chaser Newsroom. The federal government has today ruled out offering jobkeeper payments to casual workers out of pocket due to lockdown, with the Treasury stating it is not a pressing issue for the government. Confused ministers have asked why casual workers struggling to pay rent don't just dip into their trust funds like any normal person would do. The Gold Star State, New South Wales, has today shown its world-leading response to COVID

by shrugging and stating it might just give up after three weeks of lockdown. Health Minister Brad Hazard revealed in an early morning press conference that the government has tried absolutely nothing and they are now all out of ideas. And the Australian Olympic team has been suspended on suspicion of doping after a box of wheat bicks was found in one of the athlete's luggage. Some athletes are suspected of doing as many as 12 wheat bicks a day, giving them the energy to power on through the toughest conditions. I'm Rebecca Dana-Muno for The Chaser Report,

and I'm really hoping that last story will land me a sponsorship with Kellogg's. Today's episode of The Chaser Report is brought to you by the new and improved easy-peel Tetrapack. Simply, just pull the peal. here on the corner with your middle and index finger maybe try with the teeth

for a little bit can't nearly got it maybe the other corner fuck I'll just get the scissors new and improved

easy peel packaging one in ten times works every time Chove and Watch now Charles of course since we last did the podcast together

Sydney's gone into lock but some say we haven't gone hard enough with this lockdown. Some have dared to call the current set of restrictions a mockdown, Charles, a mockdown. Well, I think that what was confusing is that at the beginning, they said things like, oh, you can go and exercise in groups of 10, and you can go out for recreation, and you can go out whenever you want to eat and shop, and you can go out basically whenever you want.

And so therefore, it wasn't really a lockdown. I tend to agree. And then they're now posting these memes on Twitter going, by the way, you're not supposed to leave your home. And that was not the message. It was like go out and enjoy the sunlight. There's no curfew, shops are open whenever you like. Yeah, yeah, that's what they said.

That to me is just that it was because the people of Bondi can be trusted, can't they? Because they're all the tax avoiders of, you know, they're in the same class. Whereas now it's out in Fairfield and Auburn. Labor electricity. You've got to crack down. We've got to get the cops on them. So, Charles, we're still having a bit of a dilemma about whether we've got this right or we haven't gone far enough.

So I've come up with some upsides and downsides of the current situation. I just want to, I want you to let me know what you think, right? Okay. So an upside, you're allowed to see people for compassionate reasons. Yes. The downside is you can infect your entire family, as it's been happening. Yeah, because that was the first one that was really confusing, wasn't it? Because the first few days of lockdown, I just saw my mum all the time because they went, oh, you can go and visit your family.

It's like, there's nothing else to do. I might as well bank in some brownie points with mum. Yeah. And then suddenly it's like, oh, wait a minute. You can infect it. So, yeah, that's a pity. All right. Also, so he's a downside.

We clearly aren't locking down enough businesses to stop transmission. Yep. But on the upside, I love killing time at J.B. High Fight. Which has been on the exposure sites list several times now. Wait a minute. So J.B. High, in what way is anything at J.B. If you need to get a drone to go out and do it be part of the space. search party for Scott Morrison.

That would be it. My theory is that like 2% of their businesses selling like work computers, so they've just got in out of the line. How about this? I mean, the government, downside the government's now saying don't go to shopping centres or indoor venues at all.

Upside, they've done absolutely nothing to stop us. Yes, I like that. It's sort of, it's the larican spirit. The laraicent spirit of infecting your fellow Sidney-sider. Individual responsibility for being a super spread on. What about this?

So the downside, clearly we don't have enough vaccine, right? Yeah, yeah. We can't reopen before there are zero cases. But the upside, Charles, announced yesterday, we're fucking this up so badly that the federal government just gave Western Sydney 300,000 extra doses. Oh, wow. Yeah, so wait a minute.

If things get really, really bad, does that mean we get sort of international help? Do we get on that sort of international scheme that they gave to? Maybe. I'm bemused that they had 300,000 doses in the long. And that before now, they didn't think it was serious enough to release them. Thanks. Thanks, guys. Fuck. All right, what about this?

A downside, we clearly went so late that we've already had to extend the lockdown two times. Yeah, yeah. But the upside, this is going to drag on for so long that Melbourneians won't be able to say that we don't understand what they went through. I'm already feeling it now. I've started to ring up my Melbourne friends just to tell them how shit I am. You know, just to sort of rub it in. Like, yeah, I'm feeling really fucking angry and better now, too. Ha, suck shit.

We've gone down to your level. Another downside is that the rules are so lax that everyone's just gathering in beaches and parks and huge numbers, right? But the upside, yesterday it was revealed that Natalie Portman and Sasha Barron Cohen and the families went on a lovely boat trip, which shows other Hollywood stars that even if there's a huge lockdown, you can still enjoy our lovely Sydney lifestyle. Yes, I love it. Well, actually, I mean, it's sort of better for them now that none of the Hoype-a-lawyer around to bother them, isn't it? Paparazzi aren't allowed to come and to strip them. It's perfect.

Natalie Portman's thinking of buying a house here, I'm told. There's always a chance, Dom. There's always a chance. There's always a chance that the government might actually restrict her in some way, but they haven't done it yet. And finally, Charles, the upside. It won't be that bad if the lockdown stretches on for months and months, because if you get bored, you can just go to the show. shops or outdoors absolutely anywhere you want. Yeah.

So basically, there's no lockdown, is there? So the upside is it's manageable. The downside is it's going to go until 2023. You know, I've got a really good idea, which is I think J.B. High-Fi should start selling beer. Like, you know, whether you can stand up, have a dream. A standing bar. Yeah, standing bar.

Maybe we'll get Natalie Portman to open it. Hey. Today's episode of The Chase Report brought to you by Peter Dutton. Offshore Child Care Pay for us to take your child for three days and we'll give you an extra four years free Peter Dutton Offshore Child Care

Charles has been away for the past fortnight or so I suspect that he doesn't currently have the amount of news in his brain that he needs to be a co-presenter of this podcast so I've asked Loughlin to prepare a little bit of an exam for you Charles to see whether your news chops are really where they should be

Okay. Yeah, well, we didn't know if you'd be quiet up to scratch after two weeks off. So we're just, we're just keeping in the loopful. I've been watching YouTube. YouTube, what's that? If this is about video game walkthroughs, then I'm going to ace this. No, unfortunately, Charles, it's about something far more interesting. And that's Australian political news.

Oh, great. He sounds so excited. Yeah. So, yeah, basically, a few questions. We'll run you through. Okay. Question one, which other noteworthy Australian has been missing? for the last two weeks.

Oh, well, that's easy. Scott Morrison. Ah, well done, Charles. See, pretty straightforward. Yeah. Question two. Yep. While you were gone, it was revealed that Morrison approved spending $667 million

on what crucial resource. A, 40 million doses of Pfizer, B, car parks, or C, a fleet of submarines. Oh, dear. This is hard, isn't it? Well, it would be nice if it's vaccines, but I kind of think it probably isn't. I think it's going to be submarines, isn't it? It wouldn't be a fleet of submarines, though, would it? It'd be like...

You get about half a submarine. You get a half a submarine. You're wrong. It was zero submarines because it was a bunch of car parks. That is not true. For Morrison approved the funding of 27 car parks in marginal electorates one day before announcing an election. What about the vaccines?

Why didn't you spend it on the vaccines? Question three is which of the following controversial celebrities managed to get a triumphant victory in their historical legal battle. Was it, A, Britney Spears, or B, Bill Cosby? I heard that Bill Cosby got out of jail, and then there is something going on with Britney Spears, isn't it? Has been for many decades, Charles. And it turns out it wasn't ridiculous at all.

She's a prisoner. Free, yeah, I'm going to go with Britney Spears. It's got to be Britney Spears. I'm really sorry, Charles. Bill Cosby. Bill Cosby was led out of jail after the court overturned his conviction. Oh, great.

So he's out on the streets. That's really good news. This is a very uplifting quiz, by the way. It was a very uplifting two weeks. Question four. There was a controversy recently when it was revealed that students at St. Joseph's did what? A, catch a flight to and from India in March.

B, spat on a homeless person while carrying COVID. C. received Pfizer at the start of the rollout or D, held a house party with a hundred people during Sydney's lockdown. Oh my God. Well, they're all terrible. The difficult thing is it's not really easy to tell, is it, Charlie?

God, you know what I'm going to do? I think it's all of them. I think they did all... All of the above. I'm going to go with all of the above. Is that right? No, all they did was receive Pfizer. Oh, they only received Pfizer.

That was it. Okay, question five. Last week, the New South Wales Police Commissioner reported that two men received a $1,000 fine for breaking lockdown restrictions. What was fascinating about this story? Was it A, the two men were caught naked? B, they were frightened by a deer. C, they were believed to be having sex on a beach. Or D, they had to be rescued by the SES.

Oh, what is this story? If you'd been listening to our podcast, Charles, you'd know the answer right off the back. Oh, of course been listening to the podcast. Like, I've been loving the chemistry between Dom and Dave. I think he's a real addition to this show. But, yeah, I'm going to go with, I don't know, they had to be rescued. I have no idea. Charles was all of them.

All of those things were doing. Ah, that was one of those trick questions. So I'll just give you a little score update. It looks like you got some, right, but not enough. I reckon, but that's good. That means that I wasn't paying attention. That's what you want in a host. You want someone like Kyle Sanderlands or Alan Jones,

somebody who knows nothing about the world. Well, Charles, with that level of understanding what's going on, I think you should go and work for the Federal Health Department. Actually, we do have one last question to finish on. When will you be going on holidays again so we can have Dan back? Great question. Hello, you've called emergency services. Yeah, hi, I'd like to report a fire.

Not a problem, just let us know your location and we'll dispatch an engine immediately. Yeah, look, that's the thing. I think your engines might have a bit of a hard time reaching it. Not a problem. Our teams can reach almost anywhere. We're trained in apartment fires, forestry, industrial fires, you name it. Yeah, it's a bit more complicated than that. Where is it?

It's the ocean. Sorry, what? Yeah, we kind of set the ocean on fire. As in the giant body of water. Yep, the giant body of water. All right. Wait, sorry, how in the world do you set the ocean on fire? I might have just spilled some gas there.

Spilled some gas. Okay, I guess that makes sense. But how did you... And then we lit it on fire. Why the hell did you light the gas on fire? Well, we didn't want anyone else to get their hands on it. Jesus Christ. Okay, so what have you done to try and address the problem?

Well, we tried spraying it with a hose. You tried to spray the ocean with a hose. Yep. You did that. Yep. And I'm guessing... Yeah, it didn't work. Yeah, no.

Can't imagine why. So what else have you done? Well, we tried sending some boats with some... fire extinguishes. Oh yeah? How did that go? Well, we couldn't get very close. Oh, let me guess on account of the fire. Yes. See, I knew you guys would know your staff. So, um, what exactly do you want us to do? Well, we were just thinking that if you guys start drinking from paper straws for the next

thousand years, it might help offset the damage we just did to the environment in one day. That way we can keep on polluting the world with fossil fuels. Oh, yeah, we can do that. Really? Oh, that's awesome. Thanks so much. Well, I've got to go. There's a wildfire I need to start in California next month. Heat waves won't make themselves, you know? All right. Thanks for the call.

Talk again in December. This episode brought to you by Don Johnson and Associates. Have you been injured at work? Well, that really sucks. I wish there was something I could do. Don Johnson, not a lawyer. Charles, just before we go, we've all been relying on Amazon pretty heavily over the past year or two.

The deliveries to the door, it feels relatively safe. But what's happening with workers is really quite extraordinary. We all have heard the stories of them having to pee into bottles and impossible conditions, having to sort of run around the warehouse to survive. But apparently for the drivers, it's becoming even worse. Oh, yeah. Because they've now got a point where they just hire all these third-party contractors as drivers. And these flex drivers, as they're called, you now get fired just by an app.

What? If you don't work hard enough. So you sign up by an app. The app monitors whether you're doing your deliveries quickly enough. and if you don't, you just lose your job automatically. No human even has to feel guilty for sacking you during a massive global recession. Wow, that's another level of evil, isn't it? That's sort of something that a few years ago we would have been joking about.

Mind you, there is an upside to this. I have. Dom, I've signed you up this great app. You should actually get it. I think it's called, what was it, flex? And you should be getting a message just about now If you just check your phone Oh, yeah, no, it does

It says I'm now an Amazon partner Yeah, yeah, yeah That's great because I really need some extra work Because of how insecure I am in this job Yeah, that's right And you should be getting a message From the Chase report Just about now

Coming through Can you see Oh, it says you're fired Oh dear, sorry I had no idea that that would happen Sorry, there must have been the algorithm. That's all right, Charles. To be honest, the workplace conditions will be better at Amazon.

There's more news up at chaser.com. com around the clock, of course. Don't forget, a five-star review on Apple Podcasts helps us look good in the charts. And today's code word is... You're fired. I'm thinking to bring it back down, personally. Our Melbourne Podcast Festival gig on the 1st of August is still technically booked, Charles. Yes, and the thing that you've got to know is that if you book tickets to this event,

and it's cancelled in any way, then we have nothing to do with it and we didn't take your money. And, well, we couldn't go to the pub with the money anyway, even if we wanted to. So we're not going to take your money. Gary's thanks to the road microphones and we're part of the Acast Creator Network.