The Chaser Report - Chaser Report Extra - 1st June 2020

Episode Date: June 1, 2020

America has been cancelled after a disastrous final season. Elon Musk launches a rocket into space. Rebecca De Unamuno bringing you all the Chaser headlines you can’t trust. Plus Charles, Andrew and Dom discuss all the major stories from around the globe, including discussion about what the NRL do to make it look like they’ve got more fans. And would you buy a house from a Sasquatch? 
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The Chaser Report, Global World International News Headlines Update with Rebecca Dayunamuno. The United States of America, a popular TV show fronted by reality star Donald Trump, has been cancelled after the latest season was panned by critics as being completely unbelievable. Fans said they knew it had gone too far when the latest episode depicted a riot in the middle of a plague, while the president threatened to send the military to shoot people while simultaneously engaged in a name-calling fight with Twitter. Critics say the United States of America makes Game of Thrones last season look well written in comparison.

The riots in Minneapolis have stopped after Kendall Jenner intervened and offered the protesters a Pepsi. Witnesses say racial tensions and systemic police brutality suddenly disappeared after the reality TV show star went up to one of the protesters and offered him a Pepsi. Jenna was then arrested by the Minneapolis police after they mistook her Dark Shade Foundation as a threat. Donald Trump has reached a truce with the Twitter Corporation

after the company agreed it will no longer fact-check Trump's incorrect tweets. Instead, the company said it would save millions of dollars on fact-checking by simply marking the tweets of Donald Trump which aren't demonstrably untrue as soon as they can locate any. Good news for Elon Musk on the weekend after his SpaceX rocket successfully launched humans into space. Bad news for everyone else, though, after it was discovered that Elon Musk

wasn't one of the humans leaving Earth. That's the latest Chaser Report headlines. Remember to subscribe to the Chaser Report podcast in your podcast app and check outchaser.com.com. For all the latest news you can't trust. Now it's time for World International Global News Roundup with Charles, Andrew and Dom. Thanks, Beck.

And look, in today's mini episode of the Chaser Report, We're going to catch up on some other very important stories. Of course, NRL back this week, Charles and Andrew, we've talked about how sports teams around the world have been filling their stadia for TV broadcasts. In I think South Korea, there was a team that put blow-up sex dolls in the stands, and quite surprisingly, our very own NRL has a classier option.

Yeah, who thought that was possible? So just $22, you can order a cardboard cut out of yourself. It's going to be placed in the stands every game when your team plays for the first nine rounds. Do you think that's a good idea, cardboard fans? So these are sort of like cardboard cutout groupies, are they?

Yeah, or just, you know, old mate who always goes and sees the sharky. So Scoma will get it done. Well, I suppose it is good that at least, you know, when the players all go out after the game and have group sex with these groupies, that people won't actually get hurt.

I think that's at least, there's a bit of an upside there. The cutouts might, But, you know, I mean, you'll be harsh, I think, Charles. So is it a life-size? How do you get a cutout of yourself? Do you have to take a photo of yourself and they... I guess you take a full-body headshot.

I mean, they've had such crowd problems in recent years at the NRL. I think this is going to be permanent. Do they do everything? I mean, are they sort of, are they robotise these cutouts so that they still have the fist fights and, you know, spill beers on each other? I don't have any of the racist taunts with the cardboard. That would be hard. I can see, you know, this being a good part of Mad Monday.

I mean, I assume that the cardboard cutouts, you've got to be naked, surely. I mean, if this is an NRL thing, the stands, I assume are going to be full of just naked cardboard cutouts, aren't they, of all the fans? It's with a working bubler function. Well, there's a good one. Are we going to get a cut out of the dog as well? We've got the cardboard cut out of the dog. And we need the lot, I think, don't we?

to make, you know, that's the spirit of the NRL. I'm sure they're on it. But look, come on. I mean, they're trying to get some excitement back into the game. God knows it's been a long time since people found NRL exciting. What can they do? Surely we can brainstorm something more creative to make the broadcast better. There's no fans there.

What do they need? What do you reckon? Well, I don't know. I mean, I actually see this whole, I've got an idea for what we should do is we should actually raise, we should do a GoFundMe. Because how much did you say it's like $22 bucks a pop, right? $22 per cardboard cut out.

If we raise, say, $22,000, right? And we just get the picture of the sex discrimination commissioner, Kate Jenkins, just get her face and just have a thousand Kate Jenkins staring at the players throughout the game. I think that that would be a good thing to do. And perhaps finally some behavior. Yes.

Yeah, that might be the way to, to finally quell this behavior, couldn't it be? Maybe some Tracy Spice, Clementine Ford. It's a great idea, just sort of looking... Just finally make the players behave themselves. I guess if they really were getting serious about building TV audiences, they could just not play rugby league and play soccer. That would worry.

Well, that would be a lot more popular, yeah. Or AFL even, they'd be great. Now, let's head to California, guys. And look, it is hard to move property in the era of COVID. So real estate agents are coming up with a whole lot of new creative ideas. And there was one guy, he had to move a big house worth a million bucks. So what he did was he invested $250 on a Sasquatch full-body costume, a Bigfoot would call here, I think. And what he did was he took all these photos of himself baking cookies in the

oven as a Sasquatch, doing yoga, a bit of gardening, even doing a Zoom call, and my favorite playing the ukulele as Bigfoot. Do you think this is good, would you be on board? Why did he do it? And so he put them up as photos. Yeah. So on the real estate, on, you know, the equivalent of domain.com. You're looking at the house. Instead of just an empty house, there is a mythical creature baking cookies.

There's a big hairy, big hairy Sasquatch in the house. I'm pretty sure, Dommy, when you listed your house last time there, there was that same figure was in all of the photos there too. Yeah, it was my idea. Come on, mate. No, look, I think this is a terrible idea. I don't know why he thought that this would help sell the house. Never, ever move into a house where the previous inhabitant is a Sasquot.

No, it's good advice for life, isn't it, Charles? We did. And then years later, you're still finding long brown Sasquatch hair everywhere. You know, you would imagine the smell. I mean, they malt, don't they, these Sasquatches, you know, and then they're a problem. Terrible. No, what interests me is that you said it's a million-dollar house. If the asking price is a million bucks, then why does the owner feel that a Sasquatch is necessary to seal the deal?

You know, I mean, doesn't the house sell itself? I mean, aren't you looking for features more, you know, like looking at the alcoves and the lighting and whether it's north facing? I don't think whether or not a big foot is in the house is high on the list of consideration. But imagine all those things north-facing, lovely kind of breakfast nook and Sasquatch. Well, true, it is a bonus. But, yeah, and Andrew, and Andrew, not many houses have Sasquatches, right? So if you, if that is one of your criteria of a house and you know, you're searching through, and it's like, oh, there's still no houses with Sasquatches in them.

And then you come across his house, suddenly you're prepared to part with whatever he asks. I see what you mean? Is it one of the filters on domain? Like, can you sort of tick the little box for garage, you know, garden? Sasquatch. I'm just wondering, too, if you bought the house, wouldn't the agent have to stay there dressed to Sasquatch because it had been promised that one came with the house? Well, you've got to check the contract on it.

It's got to be listed on the contract of inclusions. It's got to be one of the inclusions with the dishwasher, the clothes, the blinds and fittings and the Sasquatch, they should all be there on the contract. Now, look, it has been a huge hit. It's had more than 400,000 views. It went viral. And he's received offers for well above a million. just because people like this idea.

The problem is the agent says, look, I can't do it again. I can't break out the Sasquatch costume again. It wouldn't work the next time. They will expect it. So he needs some new ideas to spice up his boring houses, the photos. What do you think? The one that always works is having a sex dungeon. Because they always go viral.

They do go viral, whether they sell, I don't know, but they go viral. Yeah, they'd make all kinds of diseases are usually found. I've always wondered why, especially in Sydney, why real estate agents don't put up posters of Sydney Harbour just outside the windows as they're taking the photos. And then sort of, you know, and not say Harbour views, but everyone who looks at the photos would sort of go, oh, because that's how you sell a house in Sydney. Absolutely. I look, I don't think, I wouldn't even stop at Sydney Harbour if you were selling a house in

Sydney. You know, why not put a big picture of the Eiffel Tower over the window? I hope people say, you're a fantastic view of Paris. It comes from the house. And this guy can do this. Or Tajikistan. Wonderful. Surely if you want to get views, just porn.

Just put some porn photos in the house. Like just, you know, some threesomes in the bedroom. People would watch that. If you're going to spend $250 and go to a bit of effort, I think the thing you should do is buy some Doll's house furniture and then put it in the house and make it look like you're living in an absolute huge mansion, because each room, you're going, oh my God, that chair is like 1,000. It's the land of the giants.

Talk about high ceilings. My goodness, there's not only a Sasquatch, but there's a little collection of Slovenian families animals in this house as well. Speaking about huge animals and so on, I've got some wonderful news, because Australia is about to get cheered up on a mass scale. We've all been, we've all been feeling a bit down because of COVID. Well, a Brisbane academic and artist by the name of Dr. Fadavin Delirie has spent his time during lockdown. He spent months building a 750 kilogram sculpture of a laughing kookabur.

And he drives it around in his youth with this sound going through loud speakers. And its mouth actually moves while it's laughing. I'm just wondering, if you saw that going down your street, The giant cucumber, it's about as big as a bus. Would you be cheered up? Would that bring a smile to you, darling? It would. I mean, I've heard about people talking about how this pandemic has sort of brought wildlife back

and we're seeing animals in places that we haven't seen them before. I reckon a lot of people would just look and think, gee, the cucobarers are healthy the most. Nature is healing. Yes, it's all coming back to how it's meant to be. I can't disagree with you more, Andrew, because I think that cucobarras are the fuckwits. of Australian ornithology. Really? Because they wake you up, but also they're really aggressive.

I had a cat once, and the Cuckaburras would just tease the cat. They'd just sort of skybomb in. So they should, your cat's an introduced species, Charles. I mean, the cat, the cats should be pecked at by a Cookaburrower. I mean, my daughter would be very into this if, as well as laughing, the Coocahubrower also played green sleeves and sold ice creams. Yeah, well, that's what he should have done. He should have just made it into an ice cream van.

And then he'd be on the BRW rich list by now, if he had. Why not? Why not? And then after he's finished with that, he can sell the cooker barrow to the real estate agent in California. Put it in his listings. Don't forget we do these mini episodes now on Mondays and Wednesdays. The full episodes come out on Fridays.

What would be great is if you could subscribe to the podcast via your app of choice or ideally via Apple Podcast because that's the one that our bosses really care about. Do us a favor, leave us a review. And of course, 24-7, you can check the latest nonsense from The Chaser at chaser.com. com on The Chaser, Facebook or Instagram or TikTok, or just try and telepathically connect to Charles Firth and you'll get the latest headlines from us. We'll catch you next time here on The Chaser Report.