The Chaser Report - Chaser Report Extra - 27th May 2020

Episode Date: May 27, 2020

In this extra mid-week mini-episode Scott Morrison unveils a renamed WorkChoices scheme. Josh Frydenberg buys a sandwich. Pete Evans in calls for mandatory vaccine. Rebecca De Unamuno bringing you all the Chaser headlines you can’t trust. Plus Charles, Andrew and Dom discuss all the major stories from around the globe. 
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What's better than a well-marbled ribby sizzling on the barbecue? A well-marbled ribby sizzling on the barbecue that was carefully selected by an Instacart shopper and delivered to your door. A well-marbled ribai you ordered without even leaving the kitty pool. Whatever groceries your summer calls for, Instacart has you covered. Download the Instacart app and enjoy $0 delivery fees on your first three orders. Service fees, exclusions, and terms apply. Instacart. Groceries that over-deliver. The Chaser Report, Global World International News Headlines Update with Rebecca Dayunamuno.

The Prime Minister's new Jobmaker scheme is in jeopardy after Scott Morrison was caught using the find and replace function on his word processor to replace the word work choices with Jobmaker on the legislation he unveiled yesterday. Mr Morrison justified the move saying that he would have rephrased a few paragraphs at the beginning to make it look like he wrote it himself, but he ran out of time. The Prime Minister said the Jobmaker Schemean was designed to deliver jobs to unemployed Australians, no matter how unbelievably shit the working conditions were. Treasurer Josh Frydenberg estimates the Jobmaker Scheme will create 60 billion extra jobs in Australia by the end of the year.

A struggling cafe owner in Melbourne's inner east has struck it rich, after Josh Frydenberg walked in and bought a sandwich for $200 million. Mr Frydenberg initially blamed Treasury and his staff for the slip-up, but said his $200 million error was nothing compared to last week's $60 billion mistake. The lucky cafe owner said that despite the $200 million windfall, it wouldn't change him and he still planned to systematically underpay his workers, just like he always did. Australians across the country have announced they are desperately hoping for a mandatory vaccine against celebrity chef Pete Evans.

The calls come after the activated almond activists shared his controversial views on Sydney radio, prompting authorities to announce they were fast-tracking work on a vaccine against him. Though the vaccine is mandatory, even anti-vaxxas support the scheme, saying they're happy to make an exception for someone as terrible as Pete Evans. That's the latest Chaser Report headlines. Remember to subscribe to the Chaser report podcast in your podcast app and check out chaser.com.com.com for all the latest news you can't trust. Now it's time for World International Global News Roundup with Charles Andrew and Dom.

Thank you, Rebecca. Yes, time for this excellent extra segments. International Global News World Roundup. Now, Andrew and Charles, very, very important news from around the globe here. A woman in Shandong, China, broke up with her cheating boyfriend and cried for days on end, the poor thing. But on discovering that he hadn't shed a single tear, she decided to get revenge. What she did was she sent a truck containing... one ton of onions to be dumped outside his house.

She said the driver, don't contact the guy at all, just dump him. It took him four hours to unload all of the onions. What do you think is, is this a reasonable response in this situation? This is a good breakup etiquette. So, wait a minute, was the idea, was the idea, was the idea that if there was enough onions, then he would cry. I think he would both. I think she was going, I'm going to make him cry.

And if not, because of the breakup, because of the massive pile of onions outside his house. Doesn't this just definitely confirm that he was exactly correct in breaking up with this lunatic woman? Well, he does, he did say at his defence that he broke up with her because of her overdramatic behaviour. And this was her way of proving him wrong. I sent one ton of onions to prove how rational I am. What would you do? If you had one ton of onions, and you guys have had some messy breakups, what would you do with the ton of onions? Well, I've got a recipe for a fish pie, which requires literally about one ton of onions per pie. It's quite irritating.

I'm a Fodmap intolerant person, so, you know, this would be a lethal act on me. I mean, if she sent this ton to me, I'd be dead. You'd have to invite Tony Abbott over to clear the stockpile. Oh, good Lord. But is there something better you could send a huge amount of? If you wanted to make a statement after a breakup, is there something better than a ton of onions? If you're wanting the person back, surely you send them like flowers or chocolates. A ton of flowers.

Yeah. I thought she was teaching you not to cry, though, isn't she? Isn't that the idea? I mean, wouldn't you send a ton of DVDs of Titanic or the notebook over? Or the actual Titanic, probably, given the weight. The ex-boyfriend said to a reporter, because this became big news in China. Look, am I a bad person just because I didn't cry over this breakup? Well, I do think it was bad form.

Like, if you've been going out with somebody, a little polite cry at the end to sort of, you know, draw a line under it and make them feel better, I mean, it's just derry good. That's what I do with all my girlfriends. It's expected, actually. I mean, I think it's actually polite, even just at the end of a dinner party or anything, just to have a little cry at the door. Yeah, it's the thing you should do. show. Well, the last time I went to one of your shows, Hansen, I definitely cried at the end. Now, moving to Korea, where the Korean K-League soccer team, Seoul FC, apologized to their fans after viewers of their game last Sunday.

Eagle-eyed viewers noticed that among the smattering of fans in the stadium, they actually had a whole bunch of sex dolls. They filled their stadium with sex dolls. Apparently, they'd asked the distributor for just regular creepy mannequins, not shaggable ones. Do you believe that explanation? Does that ring true? Is this, like, were there NRL players involved in this decision?

Like, was this? Well, this is the future for the NRL, isn't it, Charles? Under social distancing, I think this could solve a lot of problems for Australian footballers. If, you know, if we just replaced the real-life women on their WhatsApp videos with a whole lot of these Korean sex dolls, they can continue as before. Do you think that they have dog models? Because some of our footballers would need those. Oh, God.

Yeah, true. And are these sex dolls, are they special urination model ones? Because I think some of the footballers do need a bit of that as well. A bubbling doll. I actually object to this whole thing because to me, any doll could be a sex doll. I think we're being unnecessarily sex negative in talking about, you know, in defining some dolls as sex dolls, others. Good point.

You know, what defines a sex doll? No, you're right. Surely any doll should be good enough to have sex with you. Exactly, child. They're all very sexually attractive in their own way. Even Silvanian families, rabbits, I think, could be used. Oh, yeah. Lego, Lego figurines.

I'm just thinking about my daughter's toy collection and desperate to change the subject. Have you got those little blueie figurines? I reckon you could have a go on those. I do. Now, some of the dolls, actually, not only were. they, um, sex dolls in the stadium, but they actually were holding up banners advertising adult websites. Is that a good marketing opportunity to get the brand out there, do you think? How did that? Well, I thought their excuse was, oh, this was a mix-up. And yet the dolls

was sitting there with massive banners advertising butt bandit dot com. I mean, I think you would notice at that point, wouldn't you? That was something a bit strange about the audience. Yeah, I don't know what would be a better brand though to, to, to be promoted on, on a $6 dollar a football stadium. I don't know. It would be Kleenex. I don't know. Spray and wipe and Kleenex.

Spray and wipe. Great marketing opportunity. Absolutely. Now, they sprayed and wiped the entire stadium. Let's head finally to the town of Louisa in Virginia, where two men were arrested for stealing booze from a store wearing an unusual mask. Have a listen to what they did. Police say these two guys stole alcohol wearing hollowed out

watermelons with eye holes over their heads. Yep, they had actual watermelons, cut out the bottom for their heads and put in eye holes. Just that seemed a good choice. It'd be so wet. I mean, this disease is spread by droplets. I don't think wearing a watermelon is going to. You could eat your way through that.

It would be quite yummy. Do you think this is the new trend that the traditional stocking over their head is on the way out now. Yes, well, I've for a long time have thought there's been a real slump in innovation in the stealing industry and that we needed to, you know, people needed to innovate a bit more. And, you know, finally we've got, you know, a new type of face mask that can sweep through the stealing industry. It is very, very well done.

But look, being millennials, these guys, they made a TikTok video of themselves, which included footage of themselves in the store, in the masks. They also included in the video the number plate of the SUV that they stole. And also they posed for selfies with customers, which ended up on those customers' Facebook pages. Where do you think they went wrong? How did the police catch them? No, this is where they went right, Don.

This is where they went right, which is, okay, so they'll go to jail for, what, three to five years or something like that. But their social media following means that they're now set for life. Like, they will be, they've just, they've set themselves up. These are the great train robbery. This is the great TikTok following of 2020. This is like, this is, this is genius. This is genius level social media marketing.

With you, Charles. Imagine the watermelon sponsorships that are going to flow from this, from watermelon farmers. I mean, big watermelon, they are huge when it comes to advertising spin. Can you imagine the pumpkin industry trying to just sort of cut in? inside them. There's a final twist to this tale. Everyone in the town of Louisa in Virginia,

I'm quite surprised by this because most places aren't taking COVID very seriously. But in this town, everybody is required to wear a face mask to stop the spread of COVID. One of the subjects was charged with not wearing a face covering in public. Is that fair when his whole head was covered with a watermelon? No, that's not fair at all. I've been going out wearing a watermelon. down to Coles and everything, you know, just to protect everyone. And, you know, no one's better than eyelid.

Like, it's a legitimate form of protection. Absolutely, Charles. In fact, you mentioned Coles. I wouldn't be surprised next week to see a new safety measure put in place where every Coles checkout worker has a full watermelon on their head at the checkout just to keep everybody safe. They could have them on the way into that person who currently gives you hand sanitise as you walk into Coles, should be giving you a holiday watermelon.

Just hand it at watermelon. I've heard that hospitals have actually ordered, you know, in bulk, watermelon so that all their surgeons can start wearing watermelons. I hope we have enough. I just hope we have enough, you know. I mean, we need to get them in. And I think we need to see leaders wearing them to set an example. I think we need to see the Prime Minister and the US President step up to the next press

conference wearing a watermelon on their head. Well, he already wears a giant pumpkin, Donald Trump. Now that is it for this special mini episode of the Chaser Report. Don't forget the regular one, though, will be out this Friday. Please subscribe using the Apple Podcast app, and you can catch all these stories and lots more at chaser.com.com. When does fast grocery delivery through Instacart matter most, when your famous grainy mustard potato salad isn't so famous without the grainy mustard? When the barbecues lit, but there's nothing to grill, when the in-laws decide that actually they will stay for dinner. Instacart has all your groceries covered this summer, so download the

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