The Chaser Report - Chaser Report Extra - 3rd June 2020

Episode Date: June 2, 2020

Mid-week extra edition. As America burns, Rebecca De Unamuno brings you the latest Chaser headlines. Donald Trump stands outside a church with a bible in his hand, Iraq invades the USA in an attempt to bring peace and prosperity, and Donald Trump goes on holidays. Plus Andrew Hansen, Charles Firth and Dom Knight do a round-up of all the stories you haven’t heard about around the globe. 
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The Chaser Report, Global World International News Headlines Update with Rebecca Dayunamuno. President Donald Trump has decided to take a quick two-week break in Hawaii, even though a crisis is enveloping his nation. The decision came shortly after a call with Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison. Mr Morrison advised Mr Trump to blame his wife and kids if he ran into any trouble. Mr Trump told reporters that Malania really needed the business. break. Donald Trump has stood outside a church holding a Bible in his hand and claimed that he was pretty sure Jesus would have knelt on the neck of an unarmed black man until he died while the disciples stood about and did nothing. When asked where it said that in the Bible,

Mr Trump said it was probably Deuteronomy or Leviticus or someone like that. Iraq has launched an invasion to bring democracy to the United States, saying it wants to stabilize the region in the wake of recent political and social unrest. Asked how long the reconstruction of America would take, Iraqi officials said that it's expected to last exactly as long as it takes for them to fleece all of America's oil, at which point they will be left to fend for themselves. That's the latest Chaser report headlines. Remember to subscribe to the Chaser report podcast in your podcast app and check out chaser.com.com for all the latest news you can't trust. Now it's time for World International Global

News Roundup with Charles, Andrew and Dom. Thank you, Beck. And speaking of news, it is Time now for a bit of this. International Global News World Roundup. Let's look at some of the stories from around the world to Charles and Dom. I just want to get your thoughts on this one. In the US, a patrol officer pulled over somebody who was described as an impaired driver, which means somebody who's sort of driving erratically or badly, pulled over this impaired driver, went down the window only to discover a five-year-old driving the car.

Now, I mean, maybe this is not a bad thing. What do you think, Charles, what are the potential advantages of a five-year-old being allowed to drive? Well, five-year-olds are terrible at navigation, right? Are they? So if the kid is driving, then I'd get to navigate. And so it would be, it's a better, you know, division of labour. in a way because then you don't have to have the five-year-old navigating. So I think

it's a good idea. Well, you know those stickers that say baby on board where you're supposed to, you know, steer clear and not going to, if you had a sticker saying, baby behind the wheel, no one will go anywhere near you. That'd be fantastic. Yeah. It'd be very safe. And the thing is, I mean, I hate cautious drivers.

Don't you think, you know, where they're always defensive and, you know, slow on the road and everything? I don't think a five-year-old would be very cautious on the road. Also, it's a bit ageist, isn't it? Like, a lot of five-year-old. old's train with, you know, there's little plastic sets with the steering wheel and the little horn. They're probably pretty good than most drivers on the road.

Yeah. And anyway, is this, was it in America? Yeah, of course. Of course it was. Where else would this happen? Yeah, I reckon this is fine. Because, you know, if you're allowed to, they're allowed to own a gun at the age of five. Yeah, it's freedom. They should just, yeah, it's freedom.

They should be allowed to drive. I'm pretty sure it's in the Constitution. I presume if it was a white baby, the police were just like, as you were, sir. Yeah. Have a nice day. Well, the kid, as it turned out, had something to tell the police. The kid explained that he wanted to buy something, you know, when he was sort of asked, you know, what are you doing? He said he wanted to buy something.

Charles, can you guess what it was that he wanted to buy? Well, can I ask, is this a heartwarming story or is it an ironic story or is it a ironic story? or is it a sort of real story? What genre? It's got everything. This story's got everything. This is a real cross-genre story. It's an odd-spot story.

It's an odd-spot story. If it's an odd-spot story, then I reckon he wanted to buy a toy car. I reckon that's the reason. Because that's the perfect sort of punchline for that. If it's a heartwarming story, I reckon he wanted to buy a card for his sick grandmother who had COVID or something. We've already ruled out handgun, haven't we? If it's a real, if it's a real story, yeah, it'd be a hang, or probably meth. It'd be meth for the parents.

Breaking bad. So what is it? You've got to tell them. I was thinking a tank. That was my guess was the car wasn't enough and he wanted. You know how in America there's tanks like every police force has one now. It's all militarized. Why not put the five-year-olds behind tanks?

What could possibly go wrong? Well, there's something in that, Donnie, isn't it? Because the kind of five-year-old who has this get-up-and-go attitude, you know. So he obviously wants to go and do that he's himself. Well, the answer is that he actually, he'd been told by his mother that she would not buy him a Lamborghini. And so according to the police on Twitter, the kid decided to take the car and go to California to buy one himself. So that's what he was doing. Wow.

Yeah. Well, you can see why, can't you? I mean, a five-year-old got elected president, they can do anything. The other interesting detail, the police added, is that they also tweeted, and I quote, quote, he might have been short on the purchase amount as he only had $3 in his wallet. But what about the question that obviously begs the question? What is a five-year-old doing with a wallet? That adds to anything in it.

Anyway, they didn't go into that. Tooth Fairy was very generous that day. Now, there's a Coles that's had a bit of problems. This is a bit closer to home. Coles has had a bit of a security issue. It was robbed by a man. A man managed to rob a coals. You know, when I say rob, he sort of managed to sneak off with something without paying for it.

Now, this poor old coal supermarket, not only that, it was robbed 26 times by the same man. Wow. The same branch. The same coals, 26 times robbed by the same guy. I mean, what do you think? How did he manage to shoplift so many times, do you think? Well, having been to Coles recently, I assume they were so busy enforcing social distancing. I didn't give a shit about the robberies, just as long as he wasn't 1.5 metres,

a bit close to any customers or staff, do what you like, sir. Can you please steal at a socially acceptable distance? Yeah, that's right. Yeah. That's right. Yeah. And wipe your hands before you steal that, before you touch that stolen object. Look, I think that we're clearly dealing with a master of disguises. Was he stealing, like, fake mustaches and then coming back and stealing, you know, fake glasses? things like that.

What did you see the other day, someone was in a Coles in an outfit made entirely of the Coles reusable bags. They actually turned that into, it turned about 10 of them into a whole outfit. I reckon it was this guy. Everyone was just laughing so much. They didn't realize he was stealing. Well, those reusable bags are like gold, aren't they? I mean, they'd be the thing to steal, wouldn't that?

My question is, did he finish the whole of the little shop with the 26 visits? Was he stealing? He was stealing the mini collectibles? That's what he was stealing. for his fucking son who wanted all of them. No, he was stealing baby formula, Charles, for somebody's fucking son who wanted baby formula. That was the point of the whole thing.

I'm astonish. I thought it was going to be toilet paper. Yeah, I'm sorry to his point. Now, let's go to the Philippines. Now, this is an interesting one. They've got an interesting way of enforcing quarantine over in the Philippines. Local officials go around villages

dressed as Star Wars characters to make sure that people... if they're staying home. And these are official people. These actual, you know, kind of government-employed people. They're supposed to make sure you're staying home. Not only are they dressed as Star Wars characters, there's very specific ones.

They walk around dressed as Darth Vader and Storm Troopers. So they're not the good characters. They walk around dressed as the villains. Well, you'd obey them. You'd obey them, wouldn't you? Well, you would, I mean, wouldn't you if the Stormtroopers are showing up? Well, maybe not because the interesting thing is, I'm not sure how authentic they look, because according to the news article,

these costumes are made of, quote, rubber mats and old plastic. Sounds genuine. Well, I don't know if I have the Disney symbol on the stamped on them. Maybe the idea is to just stun everyone with confusion as to what they're looking at. And they'll probably have to explain. I am Dorothy. But you look like a bath mat, mate. Surely you'd dress as Jaja Binks and everyone would go running, screaming away from you.

Definitely keep social distance from here. Well, dear, I mean, is it a good, well, if Star Wars characters are not good enough, what do you think? Do you have better ideas? Which movie characters should our police dress up as to an office? I think they should dress up as the doctor from the human centipede movie. Better than dressing up as the actual centipede, I suppose. Yes, that's true. It's very hard to socially distance when your mouth is on the other officer's anus.

Well, I was thinking perhaps Quineath Paltrow in the movie Contagion about the pandemic. People would be very scared because she's patients, you know, in that. But also, she'd probably tell you about go go to near her. 1.5 metres away from the goop. And that was the International Global World News Roundup, or whatever it's called. Of course, join us for a full-length episode every Friday, and we're posting these cheeky little extras on Mondays and Wednesdays. You can visit all the online, Guff that Charles and his team come up with atchaser.com.com.

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