The Chaser Report - Chas's Triple Whammies | Rex Patrick

Episode Date: April 29, 2022

Chas Licciardello joins Dom Knight for The Chaser Report: Election Edition for his first discussions on Australian politics in five years. What has Chas learnt, and where did he learn it? Meanwhile Dom catches up with Aleksa to talk about his latest stunt, and Charles has his latest Election Wrap. Plus an interview with Senator Rex Patrick to find out if any politicians know the real costs of living. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In an election that will determine the fate of the entire universe, there's only one podcast holding politicians accountable. Scott Morrison, Anthony Albanese, who will move? Find out on the Chaser Report election edition. Hello and welcome to the Chaser Report election edition for Friday, the 29th of April. Dom Knight here. with Chas Lachadello. Hello, Chas. Hello there. I can't believe I'm back in the election. Well, right. Yeah. You normally cover American elections, which are actually interesting.

Yeah, well, look, I've only been paying attention for 48 hours. And so far, I'd have to say, not the most interesting election, but, you know, I'm about to tell you some life lessons I've learnt in 4080s. 48 hours of Chas watching the election. We'll find out about that soon. It is 22 days until the election, which is horrifyingly long. We're also going to have a chat to independent senator, Rex Patrick of South the who's running for re-election, asking for an integrity commission. We've got a tricky little quiz to put to him about the cost of living as well. Also, Chas, you know, yesterday John Delmenico told us he's been watching Sky News around the clock.

Yes. You've been watching an even more obscure Sky News channel. I don't even know this existed. Yeah, I've been watching the Sky News Election Channel. And I would recommend it if you're into the election because that's Sky News, but without Paul Murray and Andrew Bowles. So there are certain advantages to the Scottish. It's basically wall-to-wall press conferences.

And they repeat them as well. Just in case the first time you saw, say, Barbie Joyce wasn't enough, you can see them three, four times in a row during the day. I really want to get the ratings figures to find out if you were literally the only person watching that channel, I suspect you were. Also, Alex is going to join us to talk about a stunt where he tried to take Scott Morrison a very special gift. But before we get into all of that, Chash,

just a couple of bits of breaking news from today I want to get to. Really shocking. stuff actually. Today's the day Albao gets out of ISO. Anthony Albanese is back but also did you know Labor's deputy leader has tested positive for COVID so the deputy's in as well. Do we know if you

got it from Alba? It's a good question but the even bigger question is did you know who Labor's deputy leader was? Well it's Tanja Pellibasek, is that right? No. No, I got no idea. Just bear that in mind when I tell you the lessons I learned in the last 48 hours I don't know who Labor's deputy leader is. Tanya got dumped after the last election because she was with Bill Shorten and they lost by a record amount.

Jim Chalmers. Jim Chalmers. Is the Treasury spokesman for Labor, but he's not the deputy. The deputy is, let me read this off the screen, are Richard Marles? Richard Miles, he was on Sky News a few years back. Is he still? I got no idea. He's been flying right under the radar.

So this is the man who will be the deputy prime minister. He won't be on the campaign trail for seven days. frankly, that won't make any difference to Albo's chances on election day. So are you telling me I shouldn't feel ashamed about the fact I had no idea who he was? I think you're in very good company there. That's good. But also some breaking news from the AEC. A man by the name of Malcolm Heffernan is in trouble.

He's being investigated because he's been declared as a candidate for two separate divisions, two separate electorates in two separate states, banks in New South Wales, and brand in W.A. So it's the same candidate, One Nation. Yes, one nation in banks and the Australian Federation Party in brand. Oh, so it's a different party. Yes, so one nation in New South Wales and the Federation Party, which I'd never heard of in W.A. See, I'll tell you what his problem is.

His problem is that while Western Australia and New South Wales are actually two different states, it's still one nation. And you'd think he would know that better than anyone. I see what you did. Give a candidate for one nation, at least in one state. All right, let's get into all this. I'll check in with Charles's daily election wrap. This is the wrap for Friday the 29th of April.

Always the charmer. Scott Morrison has attacked Anthony Albanesey for not working hard enough while recovering from COVID. He's had a pretty quiet week. I remember when I was a nice day, I had a very busy week. The Liberal Party insiders have downplayed the swipe at Albanese. Turns out Scott Morrison's definition of a very busy week is just any week where he doesn't pop off to Hawaii in the middle of a crisis.

With Albanesey back on the hustings, it's now Deputy Labor leader Richard Miles's turn to catch COVID. Deputy Labor leader Richard Miles has now confirmed that he has tested positive to COVID. Watch out for Morrison to start attacking him the coming days too. After all, attacking the sick and vulnerable is a long-standing policy of the coalition government. Just ask anyone on the NDIS. Meanwhile, Morrison has been caught fibbing about electricity prices. He claims prices are down, but the energy regulator says they've spiked sharply in recent months. Labor says its plan to rewire the grid to optimise it for renewables will cut energy bills by hundreds of dollars by the end of the decade.

But the coalition says its plan is better. It's called the Australian domestic gas security mechanism, and it allows the government to force gas companies to sell fossil fuel. gas locally rather than export it. The only problem? Morrison has never, ever, ever triggered the mechanism, even with gas prices at record highs. So to be clear, he did nothing in the middle of a crisis. What was that about a work ethic? Finally, another Liberal Party MP is in trouble in their seat. Fiona Martin holds the inner city Sydney seat of Reed by 3.2%. But now a former Liberal Party member is running as an independent and preferencing Labor, putting Martin at risk of losing her seat.

Remarkably, and this is absolutely true, the biggest issue in that seat is about a roundabout. Labor says the roundabout outside DFO shopping centre in Homebush is one of the worst in the country. And Libs agree. They've promised $100 million to fix it. The only problem? Morrison promised $50 million to fix it three years ago, and then did absolutely nothing. That's the election wrap for Friday the 29th of April.

We'll be back in a sec. The Chaser Report. Election edition. All right, so Chas, at the start of the show, you revealed that you honestly thought, I don't think you were making this up. No. The Tanya Plibersek was the deputy leader,

which admittedly until three years ago, she was. I've been checked out for about five years from Australia. Basically, since we last made an Australian political show for The Chaser, I've paid zero attention to Australian news. Like apparently Barney Joyce had a love child. That's all I know from the last six years. And so I just checked in because you asked me to do something. So I just checked in 48 hours ago just to brush up on what's been going for the last six years. And I did that by watching press conferences wall to wall on the Sky News election channel. I know nothing that wasn't on a press conference in the Sky News election channel

from the last 48 hours. How obscure are these press conferences? Are they mainly from major party figures? Or basically if you're some random independent and you've got one person turning up to an event, well, they still broadcast it on Sky? Well, I did watch a debate between the three North Sydney candidates, which went for like an hour a half. So I did watch that. I'm right across North Sydney issues. Let me tell you. That was where I grew up. Yeah, I know. I don't know who the candidates are. I can tell you all about it. But normally, it's the major figures.

It's like Jim Chalmers and Barnaby Joyce and those kinds. All right. So what did you learn from watching only the Sky Election Channel? I've learned so much. Okay, first of all, I learned that elections are full of lies. And let me tell you what I'm talking about. For example, I've been promised repeatedly over the last 48 hours by Labor that a triple whammy is here.

What? I've been told over and every Labor person goes, oh, the Liberals are delivered. a triple whammy. This prime minister has delivered a triple whammy. Now, I think that they might be referring to inflation and cost of living and wages, but they keep on saying that Scott Morrison delivered a triple whammy. Now, to me, that can only mean one thing. It's very exciting. It means that they've brought back, Press Your Luck, which was where the triple whammy came from. Beloved 1980s game show, Press Your Luck, is the home of the Triple Whammy. So if the

Triple whamies back, they must have brought Presley Luck back. Was that the show where, as the thing was spinning or whatever, no whamies, no whamies, no wammies, no wammies, no wammies. Exactly. And then double whammy, triple whammy. And Scott Morrison's brought back. Very exciting news from Labor. Makes me want to vote for Scott Morrison.

But wait, Dom, it's lies. It's a tissue of lies. Upon my research, I've discovered not only is Presley Luck not coming back, but beloved 1980s game show host of Press Your Luck in Turpy. He's actually dead. So it's never coming back. Labor. It's kidding me.

Full of lies. Why wouldn't they have called it a trifecta? A word people actually know. I have no idea. All I know is that's one massive broken promise. All right. And they're not even in government. So that's the first thing I learned.

Second thing I learned, policy dom is extremely confusing. Okay. And let me tell you what I'm talking about. Apparently, we're in the middle of a cost of living crisis. I heard this over and over again over the last 48 hours. Inflation's rising. And I should say, by the way, we were expecting inflation off the back of the pandemic because prices didn't go up during the pandemic.

In fact, they went down a little bit. So you'd expect inflation to make up for those. But regardless, inflation is happening. Cost of living is going up. So what can the government do? Now, according to the Liberals, according to the coalition, they're offering a payout, which, of course, is going to drive up inflation. But let's see that.

That's a strange solution to high prices. Yeah, so if you give everyone money, you can they afford more stuff, so prices go up more. Exactly. A strange solution. Labor have actually acknowledged that, that Jim Chalmy specifically said that this was inflationary, right about the time he said he was going to support it,

which is very confusing. But that's not all. The Liberals have pointed out that since inflation is so high, this is what Scott Morrison is saying, since this is a terrible economy right now, now more than ever we can't afford to risk voting out the people who brought us that terrible economy. We can't risk the uncertainty, Don.

We can't afford the uncertainty of voting in someone who didn't bring us record inflation. So that is very confusing. So I'm not surprised to hear you say that Labor's position is it's a terrible idea which we fully support. That's what they've been doing for the past three years. What I want to know, Chaz, is what are they going to do if they win government? Where are they going to get their terrible ideas which they fully support from? That's a great question.

That's an excellent question. They should appoint Scott Morrison as their policy advisor. I also learned that Jason Claire, I don't want to get personal here, but Jason Claire, a ginormous hypocrite. Oh, really? Massive hypocrite, Jason Clay. He's a pretty good performer, but hypocrite. Let me tell you what I'm talking about. He accused the Liberals, in particular Scott Morrison,

have been out of touch. Right. Literally, less than 60 seconds later, after he accused him of being out of touch, he said that Scooby-Doo couldn't find Alan Tudge. He's accusing other people of being out of touch, he's using 40-year-old references. Ginormous hypocrite, this man.

Also, I doubt that Scooby-Doo is a very good detective. Well, yeah, he undoubtedly could find Alan Tudge. I've got to be able to put him on the phone book. the mask of the skeleton at the theme park. Maybe we should find Richard Miles and then get Richard Males to tell me who he is. The bottom line, though, what I learned is that none of these people are trustworthy to deliver on one they promise, but might not be possible to put a dent in the cost of living if you're a politician, even though they pretend they can.

Australian wages are already very high. They talk about how low Australian wages are. When you compare to other countries, the Australian wages are actually quite high, trust me, I study America. They got low wages. But there is one area I've discovered. that we can totally trust our politicians. Like, quite seriously, they are world-class in this one area.

And that is, they have a proven track record when it comes to weight loss. Oh, right. Like, honestly, I have been out for six years. I tune in, and I've got, is this the new Marvel superhero I'm looking at? Or is it Anthony Albanesey? Anthony Albanesey and Scott Morrison, they both look fantastic. They both lost so much weight. And it's not the first time this has happened.

Kim Beasley did it. politicians over and over again somehow managed to lose 20 kilos, bang, when an election's coming. They should be weight gurus. They can't do anything at cost of living, but I would hire both of them to be my personal trainer tomorrow. I would trust them with my weight, no problems. Okay, I probably wouldn't hire Barnaby Joyce to be that. He could be my dating app.

But I would hire these guys to be weight loss consultants every day of the week. And for that, they should be proud and only that. It's true. It's the one thing, Anthony, he's really achieved in three years. It's the elbow body sculpt diet. I wouldn't know how he's done it. That's all he should do. When he comes back today, I want him to shut up about triple whammies. He's going to try triple whammies, I promise you. I want him to shut about triple whamies. I just want him to go bit by bit. Tell us what he has for breakfast. Come on, Albu. Do it.

I want to watch him do a triple lift. Election News, you can't trust. The Chaser Report. Now Alex is with us to talk about a stunt that he did this week. Hey, Alexa. Hey, hey, how are you going? Now, you've been visiting the Prime Minister. Yeah, see, I've tried to visit him multiple times, and he just keeps ducking me.

Like, I don't really understand. But, you know, I'm trying to help him out. I understand that he really likes Cole. He does. He seems to be a big fan. So I just thought I'd bring him some, because, you know, elections are really stressful, and, you know, sometimes you just need something to comfort you. Just as relaxing.

Yeah, exactly. A friend from home. Stress relief. They can sort of just give it a little cuddle. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. How lovely. But it was actually quite tricky to do. Because first I was like, oh, great, I could just bring him coal.

Like, I've got one of our best mates works as a blacksmiths. I'm like, we have all this coal. Like, we could do this. And Charles immediately canceled the idea because apparently it's like poisonous or something. Like you can't, you might get in a bit of trouble spreading coal dust around someone's office. Right. So when he came in, brought a lump of coal into the parliament and said, don't be afraid.

we actually should have been afraid. Yeah, we should have been very scared. So just to be clear, assassinating the prime minister is out? Yeah, apparently. According to Charles. Yeah, the policy is really changed. Yeah, the policy is really changed around it.

But I got charcoal, which is like equally filthy, but maybe less toxic. And yeah, put it in a big sack and went down there, and it was just like leaking all over the place. I was like, like, cold dust everywhere. But I was a bit confused because usually when we go in and do this kind of stuff, like there's some amount of, at least confusion, if not banned. like the person doesn't know why you're there and they're trying to work out what what your purpose is but she was onto it from the start like as soon as I opened the door she just ran behind

the counter like hid behind this wall and just started shouting out like leave that's the chase of feeling yeah congratulations Alex so that means your photo has finally been circulated in the PMO what I assumed it was is that I was dressed in high viz because I wanted to look like a coal carrying like delivery man um I assume that they were like we've got no photo ops today so if they're in high isn't they're here, they must be pissed off at us. Yeah, they must just be an ordinary worker coming to the PMO. They wouldn't want that. So what do you do with that guy? So where, is it

in a skyscraper? Like, where did you actually have to go to do it? It's on the second floor of a building in Cronulla. Oh, you're in the electric office? Yeah, yeah. Oh. Do we know if Scott Morrison got the charcoal? Oh, well, let's see. I need someone to sign for a delivery.

It's just cold. Don't be afraid. Is there any the way to get it to Scott? Okay. Thank you. It's a bit messy, but it's clean. It's clean cold. Okay.

If there are any problems, we'll come back and clean it up by 2050. Mission accomplished. That's a huge success. I did not expect them to take it. We were prepared. We brought a dustpan and broom. We were prepared to, like, clean the whole thing up. And then we're leaving, like, well, I guess they want this here.

So basically what you've established is that the security at Scott Morrison's electorate office is so lax that you can just bring in a bag of anything and leave it. That's the way it wasn't. That could have been a human head. It could have been anything. It should have been.

Next, next time. It could have been, I don't know, a soiled pair of trousers. The problem you got, though, as far as Scott Morrison actually taking that coal and like him, himself getting it and cherishing it the way you want him to, is that he's already gotten so much coal

from Santa Claus over the years. It's been a real bad boy for a long time. Rigging elections since before it was cool, the Chaser Report. Senator Rex Patrick of South Australia joins us once again. He is up for re-election this time. Hi, Rex. Hey, guys, how I are? Yeah, good.

How's the campaign going? Oh, look, it's, you know, it moves in different directions each day. I've been out on the hustings. You know, there's lots and lots of different things that you have to do, getting sort of digital messaging across. getting things in the papers, make sure you're getting out and talking to people, listening to what they're saying, but also doing your regular senator work back to the office as well. So it's a pretty busy time. I'll be glad when the election campaign is over.

What's your argument in favour of putting in an integrity commission? And what would it look like in your model? Look, I don't think anyone can realistically think that there isn't corruption or misfeasance or malfeasance taking place in the federal public sector. It happens in all of the state sectors, public sectors, so people would be forced to think that everything is squeaky clean where we set. the aim of an integrity commission first and foremost is deterrent to stop people who've been thinking about doing things that might draw the attention of an ICAC and it's for that reason you've got

to have an ICAC that's got a lot of teeth the ICAC has to be able to carry out its job in such a way that people go you know what I don't ever come anywhere near the ICAC radar Right. Just to keep it clear, the fact that we paid you $10,000 to do this interview, that doesn't need to disclose to anyone. Do you see you guys have really come up in the world with that sort of money? I was very surprised at the offer, actually. Yeah, look, I don't know that the invoice is actually going to be paid. Let's see.

Now, look, there's been a lot of talk about cost of living during the course of this campaign. Anthony Albanese had a bit of a shocker early up to not knowing the unemployment rate. So we've just got a couple of questions here to check how relatable and down to earth you really are, despite that being your pitch. Alex, did you want to kick off the cost of living precious quiz and put the senator on the spot? Okay, we've got a classic one to start with. How much does a loaf of bread cost?

Well, I'm going to give you a political answer to say it depends. There are so many bread choices nowadays. It's almost impossible to give a conclusive answer. And it also depends on whether you buy it at the local convenience store where it is more expensive or you go to Woolies or Coles or IGA or Food Land. So, look, it's around about, I'd say the average, the mean price for a loaf of bread would be about $3. I'm sorry, that's wrong. I just stepped outside our office, and a bull of handmade sourdough costs $16 at the bakery here in the city.

So I'm sorry, that's a bit out of touch there. Yep, I'm afraid that's none from one. What about this, a litre of oat milk? What would that cost? Well, okay, that's a very unfair question. I'm a South Australian and we only drink Farmers Union ice coffee. That's all we know about. That's pretty good one.

So I know that's about, if you go to Woolies, you can get two litres of Farmers Union iced coffee for about, I think it's about $4.20th on a good day. You haven't answered the question, and I think that's correct because it tastes so crap, you never buy it. Well done. That's one from two. Okay, so how much is a litre of petrol? A liter of petrol. A liter of petrol. I do know.

Well, it also varies. It's currently just below $2 a liter, but I'm glad you allowed me to make this plug, and that is that I was the politician who came out on my lonesome and called for the halving of fuel excise. It did get up to $2.20 a liter. Scott Morrison originally said, what a crazy idea of halving the fuel access.

Josh Feidenberg said the same thing, Angus Taylor, said the same thing. And then they sort of warmed to the idea as we got closer to the budget. And then when on budget night, Scott Morrison or Josh Frydenberg announced that his own idea. So we have seen the price up to $2.20, but recently it has dropped by half the fuel excise amount, which is about $22, sitting below $2 now. still way too high, still harmful to people, in my view. We've just seen the interest rate, sorry, the inflation rate, come in at 5.1%.

That is really going to cause problems into the future with interest rates. But it also reflects the fact that we are paying way too much for groceries, for rental, and also for fuel. Yeah, I mean, you were correct on the price of petrol, and I'm very grateful that you have helped lower the excise, and you still think it's too expensive, which actually leads me to my next question. Can I borrow some money?

Because my tank is almost empty. It would really help the community, well, me, personally. Well, look, I'm sorry, not a South Australian, and I represent help South Australian, so I'm just going to have to say no to that. I'd come down, but I don't have the money to drive there. How much is a litre of water? If you just turn on the tap and let it flow, it's very, very cheap.

I've never divided that number through, but it's a minimum cost. But in actual fact, you can find water sometimes more expensive than milk. Not quite, Senator. The correct answer is that Angus Taylor got $80 million for water that allegedly didn't exist. So the price per litre with that water was essentially infinite. Although some bottled water is close to that price. What about a liter of caviar? Do you know how much that costs?

No, I don't. I'm sorry, I don't eat caviar very often. So look, I've failed that one. Well, I mean, you're half right because they're not sold per liter. They're sold per gram. That was actually a question sent in by an M Turnbull, I think. It was a great, great question. All right. What is the cost of a plane ticket to Hawaii?

Yeah, I could have told you that a few years ago. I used to travel quite a lot overseas. Depends on whether there's bushfires on or not. That can affect the price. Maybe if you catch a raft jet to go there, even cheaper. Not quite. It's about $1,500 return, plus it looks like it's going to cost a prime ministership. Yes, it could well do that. All right, Senator. Well, look, you've failed the questions, but I think given the questions,

that's actually counts as a win. So well done. And thank you for joining us on The Chaser Report. And thanks for not telling us to Google it. Always a pleasure, yeah. I'm now going to go and have to Google a few more things in case they get asked as I wander down the street. The only podcast without UAP ads,

The Chaser Report Now Dom, I told you of the last 48 hours I've heard nothing but triple whammy's and cost of living crisis. Yeah. I can't do much about triple whamies. As I said, Ian Turpia, unfortunately, he's dead. But what I can tell you about is the cost of living crisis

because these guys, they're talking about payouts as a solution. It's not a solution. It's going to increase prices, like we already said. But I thought to myself, it's easy to throw sticks and stones at politicians. Why don't you come with solutions yourself? So I've put my, I've put my noggined down and I have come up with some absolute roll gold solutions for the cost of living crisis. Don't like me, PM, but implement these and it will save us all, if you will.

I'm glad someone is fighting the curse of inflation, Chazzy. I certainly am. Okay, first of all, simple, simple tip, number one, average spying on food. I looked up, this got researcher segment, $91 a week is what we spend on food. That's too much, Dom. Too much. Getting two items per meal from the McDonald's dollar menu is $42 a week. Cost of living halved, Dom, halved.

And I get, notice how generous I was, two items per meal. Not just one, two items. Did you factor in the cost of the cardiologist? I did not. That's a good, that's a fair call. Okay, second thing you can do, very, very, very simple step. Ben Avocado. I've been assured by boomers for the last 10 years

that avocado is a sole reason millennials can't afford houses because they spend too much on smashed avocado, et cetera. I did the maths again, simple maths. About 25% of Australia are millennials. That's about $6 million. About $400,000 a house on average. That means if they stopped having avocado, it would save us approximately $2.4 trillion.

That's money in the bank for all Australians, Dom. Do it for your country. Simple. Next one, transport. A key area of price rises. In fact, it could be the number one area with petrol. Petrol, yeah, yeah. This is the easiest one in the world.

I can't believe that. In fact, Albao is already going some. way towards doing this, bring COVID back. Transport costs slashed off. That's true. Petrol's never been cheaper than it was during the lockdown. Totally. It was fantastic.

And so, yeah, so Albo and the deputy leader, wherever his name is, I've already forgotten it. They are bringing, they are showing us the way forward to cost of living, cost of living drops right there. Next one. We all know about how our parents and grandparents bought $50,000 houses back in the 1980s. Nine 80s, you could buy everything for way less. That's the problem.

them. Everything costs so much more now, right? Simple. Bring back $1984. They bought so much more than the current dollars, right? You might go, where we didn't get them from? If you make a dollar now, Chaz, that's a $2022. So where's the $984 coming from, Chas? Simple. Who, anyone who's over the age of 40 has stashed dollar notes and $2 notes from the 1980s, right? Think about how many of them must be out there in the community, just stashed away in drawers. Can you imagine all the little dollar mites savings tins. Totally. No one ever used that money.

It'd just be sitting around. One of those one dollar notes, let me tell you, I've got dollar notes at home. That's worth 20 redskins. Just bang, straight away. No problem. And that's your food for a week too. Exactly. It doesn't need to go to the dollar menu from McDonald's.

Once again, think about this. If you've stashed away $25,000, $2 notes, you could buy a house. Wow. It's that easy. It's that easy, Dom. getting to the big picture though these are these are small ball suggestions can I just make one point though

they're not called redskins anymore they're called red rippers because in the 80s people didn't mind that that term was racist well you say not only have I missed out on everything that's happened in politics for the last six years but also missed out what's happened in in racist sounding confectionery

so I missed that but yeah regardless the point is I'm not sure if you can buy a red ripper for five ninety four cents maybe because they didn't exist then. There's some kind of space-time continuum thing happening there. I'll have to ask the guy at the doctor from back to the future. But as far as solving the cost of living crisis goes,

I'm going to the big picture now. Final tip, Don. And this one is absolutely surefire winner. If we turn Australia into the world's biggest sewer, just effluent and human waste flying freely all over the place. Right. We just become, and it makes everyone depressed and miserable. We all become horrible and sick.

and we're all screwed up and we all just turn on each other Elon Musk will want to buy us for tens of billions of dollars and then that's money for all of us so we turn Australia into Twitter yes exactly the real life manifestation of Twitter

brilliant idea Elon Musk will not be able to resist and we'll be saved because your nation thanks you for your great work that's it for today we'll catch you on Monday we are part of the ACAS

creator network and our gear is from road microphones