The Chaser Report - Chris Taylor Dreads Freedom Day

Episode Date: September 26, 2021

While the rest of Australia eagerly anticipates freedom, Chris has grown accustomed to his lockdown lifestyle, and has some theories on placating the French. Plus, Aleksa on the drones that are coming to Toowoomba, and Gabbi and Dom discover the wonderful news that they’re allowed to drink in parks now. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This episode of The Chaser Report is brought to you by child workers in the Congo. Without their delicate little hands mining all the world's cobalt, we wouldn't have any of the cheap electronics we'd need to record and distribute this podcast. Thanks, kids. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is the Chaser Report. Hello, and welcome to the Chaser Report for Monday the 27th, September 2021. Hello, Gabby Bolt. Hello, how are we going, Don?

Oh, I'm so excited because not only are we getting nuclear power. submarines. Turns out we're getting drones. Gabby, we're getting unmanned or unpersoned drones. Of course, we are. It's like just because we need those in this country. We're under threat. We're under threat, such threat. And look, Alex has been taking a look at this story. Hey, Alexa. Hey, hey. It's an incredibly exciting story. I mean, when Orcas first came around a week ago, I thought that was the last we're going to be hearing of it, like the quad, like all these other buzzwords but it's really the gift that keeps on giving we're going to be able to kill people so much better than we used to it's going to be amazing look to be honest i'm not not too keen about any of this i think

australies in a perfect position to kind of sit back and let everyone else duke it out but if we're already committed to it i'm glad that we can make some money and get some jobs out of it you know build some drones i think we could build all sorts of stuff do you reckon you met any of these people who are doing this at the arms expo you went to oh yes if you haven't seen that stunt go and look at it I bet it was, had some sort of a prototype there. You might have inspired some of these drones, Alex. I definitely told the guy at Boeing. I'm like, look, if you want to make drones, I hear Toowoomba is the perfect place.

And I haven't gotten any royalties from that. They just kind of ran with my idea. Is it just a place where if there's a, look, just quietly, if there's a strike back on Australia, yeah, we can stand to lose to Womba. Do you think that's the calculation? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, that's not on, all right? There are several places we could strike before Tawomba. Where?

I've got a few. Oh, I don't know. Orange. What's your beef? Oh, you're from Bathurst. That's what that is. That's a Bathurst orange beef. It's a long-running rivalry.

Yeah, but you know, if there is no orange, then we're the best one, aren't we? I think we can all agree that there's a wealth of superfluous towns in Australia that we can get rid of. There's no need to compete. I mean, we're building the subs in Adelaide. Why don't we make the, why don't we do the drones there and make that the, so they've just got one target? I think Adelaide's a perfect hub for Air Force equipment for other reasons, though, because it's also the meth capital of Australia. It is. The US military has been giving meth to pilots for a very long time.

So I'm thinking, you know, why not just do it all in the one place, all in Adelaide where the meth is? Yeah. Streamline the supply chain. That's what I'm after. Make it, sell it, use it, all in the one area. But what do we know about these drones, Alex? So what are some of the... I mean, I assume they're not pizza delivery drones. Are they actually flying death machines? Yeah, I think they're a bit closer to death than pizza. But, I mean, I wouldn't blame you for not realizing because the name of the program is called the Loyal Wing Man. The loyal wingman?

It's a bit, yeah, it doesn't make a lot of sense. Are you serious? I mean, I know that we're kind of like budding up to the US and doing what they say, but it kind of sounds like we're trying to have sex with China. I've got the Air Force website here, Alexa, and just looking at what you're saying,

it says that they're going to make sure that Australia's legal and ethical obligations are met. Now, when has that ever happened with drones? Is this a new idea? No, that's easy, because we don't have any legal or ethical obligations. Very easy to meet them. I tell you what, it says also that it's the first military combat aircraft to be designed, engineered and manufactured in Australia in more than 50 years. I'll tell you what, I'm glad we're not putting people in these things.

They're not going to not crash. Wait, we were making drones 50 years ago? What were the planes we were making 50 years ago for the military? Sop with camels or something. I think it's those planes that we lost fighting all the emus. Actually, you know what? With these drones, those emus, we're finally going to win the war. We're finally going to win it.

In today's episode, Chris Taylor is going to help Australia make peace with France. Ooh, Jean-Mapel Friends. No, but all that and more after this with Rebecca Day Unamuno in the Chasing Newsroom. Prime Minister Scott Morrison announced that the tectonic plates that caused this week's earthquake will be joining the federal cabinet after showing great ability at being shifting. Experts believe the plates will work well with the federal government due to their mutual interest in destroying Melbourne. Victorians have received some modest freedoms

after achieving high vaccination rates, with outdoor training in small groups soon to be allowed. The move comes too late for the Western Bulldogs, however, with the team wishing they'd scheduled any training whatsoever before being thrashed by Melbourne in the AFL Grand Final. Celebrity couple Elon Musk and Grimes have publicly announced that they are semi-separated. whatever that means. Grimes said she had been feeling that their relationship was on autopilot

and that as the autopilot was from Tesla, it had crashed into a wall. Musk said that while he's disappointed, he has enjoyed breaking up another union. That's the latest from The Chaser Report. I'm Rebecca Deunamuno, and I'm incredibly relieved I'm not called X-Ash A12 Musk. This episode is brought to you by the one adult supervisor that keeps all the co-bole mining children in line. If you thought being locked down with your unruly kids was hard,

imagine being stuck in a third world mine shaft with hundreds of them and trying to force them to mine cobalt. No, thank you. It is time to catch up with Chris Taylor. Hello, Chris. How are you guys? It's lovely to catch up.

We're good. How is anyone in lockdown? This sounds like an old cow would play. It's terribly civil, isn't it? It's lovely to catch up. Have you got your cucumber sandwiches? I've certainly got mine out. Oh, Charles, the economy.

me. I always can't work out whether to seriously answer the question of how I am, which is fairly miserable a lot of the time. But then that's a conversation derailer. So let's not go down that path. How are you, Chris? Look, I'm all right. What is it? I think it's a year full of COVID now. I've sort of lost count. I've run out of calendars. But I assume we're about halfway. It's only four years to go. Something like that. Yeah. Yeah, it's like the Olympics. Yeah, exactly. In fact, isn't that a beautiful thought that we actually agree? Like, you appoint an equivalent of the IOC. You actually agree to have a new pandemic every four years.

And you can kind of like countries lobbied to be the force of it. China obviously, you know, got the hosting rights this time. But, you know, I think Australia, Brisbane, I was surely put their hat in the ring. I reckon I've got a good pathogen in it. Oh, absolutely. They've been brewing them up on the Gold Coast for many, many years. You can't tell you some of those bars at 3 a.m. They don't have fully toxic things in the bottom of some glasses.

You don't need bats. You don't need pengulins in the Gold Coast. Just humans are sufficiently good. And strip clubs. Yeah, that's what you know. Humans, strip clubs and theme parks. It's going all in Brisbane. And Queensland is basically a petri dish that is basically like a little hard lap, isn't it?

Like there's enough germs going around the pools at schoolies that I reckon we've probably had a pandemic, but just not known because we're all so immune in Australia because we're surrounded by schoolies. But if you sense a schoolie overseas, they cause better. one. Schoolies is actually a spy operation by the CSIRO, where the young people believe they're going there to have a great time, get absolutely fucked up. But the centre of a disease control is going, all right, let's see how this spreads. Maybe the tallies are actually just CSIRO inspectors taking swabs. I must admit, like on a slightly more serious notes.

I mean, we've heard a lot about, you know, the victims of COVID, whether they're, you know, at, you know, nursing home residents or just workers, people who are doing homeschooling with kids, we haven't heard much about the Tullies who, for two years in a row have been deprived of their right to, you know, quite problematically hang around young kids as they celebrate finishing year 12. I mean, is that it, can we run a telephone for them or something? Tollithon. Tollys on. What I think is going to happen, that's absolutely true. They are among the many victims of this. There have been all these consequences

we weren't expecting. Like the death toll is actually better than usual because we don't have car accidents and flu and stuff like that. So we're actually ahead in terms of deaths from COVID. That's the stat we don't see. We see the daily cases and deaths, but we don't see the relative deaths. Yeah. So fewer people want to sort of dying in misadventure

because we're just not on the roads as much or not in planes as much. I saw all these stats about the net impact of the death toll and in many places it's terrible. But in Australia, it's actually a net positive, except for Tollies. Right, except for Tullies. Who are doing it very tough. I just worry that come summer, I think everyone's going to go absolutely insane.

And I think it's going to be the summer of Tullies. Well, look, does a to Tully exist outside of schoolies? Because aren't they just a normal person when school is not on? Just a regular creep? That's probably true. That's just a normal Gold Coast resident. Yeah. Yeah, it's probably the mayor of the Gold Coast.

I reckon in summer we're actually going to see the Death Toll rise exponential. Not because we're all going to be going out and licking surfaces and spreading COVID. But also, joggers have like a whole year of dead bodies to catch up on. Yes. Like, no one's running really at the moment. No one's really going out. We're all looked in our houses. And like, who's discovering all the random dead bodies in the forest?

Yeah. And what about poo joggers? They've really been. Yeah. Down. But I'm waiting for the renaissance of the shit jogger. Let's bring it back. Locked and fully loaded.

Poo jogger 2 electric buglew. Let's bring it all the way back. Well, I don't know if I'm different. you got like because don will certainly be out of vouch for this i'm i'm not the healthiest person i'm i'm not i'm not mr fitness i bizarrely have probably been at my best health during covid really yeah like it never occurs to me to go for a walk or little on a jog normally but because it's the one hour that we're allowed out the day i kind of think it'd be a waste not to use it so i have been going for walk so i'm really worried that when the pandemic ends i'll go back

to be in a slow. It just stays at my couch the whole time. So I need a fatal pandemic just to keep me on my turns. That's true. And also you've been cut off from your fine dining restaurants, Chris. That must be terror. And it must be wonderful for your heart. Well, you kind of cut off from them and you're not. What I've learned about the pandemic, and this is actually something I was going to raise with you is sort of the things I'm dreading. You know, whenever Freedom Day occurs and, you know, it was sometime in the next decade, I assume. that, you know, things will open up again. And I know you think I'm a foodie and I love restaurants.

But what I've learned is the only thing I really like about restaurants is the food. And I hate everything else about restaurants. And it's been bliss during the lockdown pandemic because you've still been able to access restaurant food, like either through, you know, the traditional means of Uber Eats and stuff, or your fancy a high-end sort of hatted restaurants, you know, are doing these amazing dinners. So you get all the food of your favorite restaurant. Yeah, the kits. With none of the things I hate.

And I'm talking about things like waiters coming up asking you still or sparkling. You don't get that with your home dinner packs. You can just pour water from the tap, guilt-free, without having to feel bad about asking for tap water. Like also, I sort of hate waiters. I'm going to sound awfully established throughout all. Just stop me if it ever gets too much. I hate waiters. I know hospitality has done it really, really hard.

and I hope they get back on their feet. But I hate waiters who turn up and get, Hi, I'm Cassie, I'll be your server tonight. You know those ones? Yeah. I don't need that. Again, in lockdown, you don't get any of that bullshit with your overeats. You just get the food.

Yeah. And like judgmental wine waiters or somalias who sort of, you know, you know, no one knows what they're ordering. You just sort of pick something according to price. Oh, I can't relate. Yeah, so you don't have that anymore. Like you just go to Dan Murphy's or whatever your local is, buy what you want. No one's judging you.

You could even order it in. People bring everything to you now. Oh, yes. So I'm sort of dreading restaurants for you opening in a way. I hate no bookings policies. Everything about restaurants kind of drives me mad except the food. Also, Chris, you spent about a decade with everyone you met going cracked pepper. So that reference point is probably now dead in people's memories.

You might be free of it. That is true. The giant pepper pot industry must be absolutely decimated at this point. Do you know, I still get deathlet death threats from Big Pepper. The industry really isn't happy. They apparently I smeared their name for good. And, you know, those grinders just don't shift the way they used to it. What a shame.

The Chaser Report, now with extra whispers. The other thing I'm really dreading, this might be a bit more relatable for people who aren't accustomed to snobbish familial. I was going to say, while you were talking, I actually had to Google what Semelea was. But apart from that, relatable. This is a bit where 40, yeah. Oh, it's also, I think you have income that's a little bit more stable. I don't think I've ever been to a restaurant where they've asked anything of me.

I reckon you could find 40-year-olds with income who don't talk about Semeleos. I think this is just a dominoe thing. Yeah, it's true. No, but this one, this is, okay, go with me on this, Gally. You're the, you know, socials generation. What I'm really dreading once we're all free and out of lockdown is that first wave of Instagram photos from the first people who go on an overseas holiday. Oh.

Can you imagine the smartness? You know, oh, oh, just here at the Amalfi, hashtag freedom or hashtag great to be, you know, oh, I mean, if you're If it was me, of course I'd do it, but it won't be me. It'll be a friend of mine, and I'm dreading, it's almost enough to do a lease sales or a Lisa Miller and just quit all socials, so you don't have to see those smoke photos. I mean, I'm thinking of the first trip that I do, I'm just going to head straight to a sommelier and take some selfies. But no, it's true.

Once the travel does open up, people are going to be incredibly insufferable, but also I'll be like, oh, I've had to quote home quarantine for a week coming back. I'm really suffering. It's so hard. But that's like the humble brag, isn't it, of the jet setter, going, oh, having to do quarantine. Why? Oh, because I've just been in on the Greece Islands for 14 weeks. I mean, no, it's awful.

The only thing, when we do all travel, though, and this sort of, sorry to bring back my simileo instincts. Is that a similei instincts? It's a good name for a metal band. Because, you know, is somebody who likes his wine, a bit of a francophile, I'm worried, because of the complete men, that Scombeau and the government made of this submarine deal. Oh, yes. But we're never going to be allowed to travel to France again. We won't be able to show our faces on the Kurt Dazouet, Satter.

No, no, Sandra Pay will be without our presence. I mean, but don't you reckon? Because it's just like the French, who I love, by the way, let's not start another war. But, like, there'll be some trade sanctions. There'll be a bit of, you know, hot talk at, you know, UN Security Council meetings. but if they really want to stick it to us, and they should, I'm actually recommending they do this,

if they just close their borders, like Pauloscomo, but close their borders to Australian tourists, then I think it'll really start to hit home about how badly he's bought this up. Yeah, I mean, I've never been to France myself, but I did plan on going at some point before I died, so it's kind of sad. Any time you want to tell Domini to check out privilege,

talking about French holidays, familialia, just go for a game. We deserve it. Yeah, well, actually, Well, we're here then. I've actually never been overseas. Right. Because of Scomo, I may never find out. When you get to go to France, Gabby, in 20 years time, when COVID's over.

And Scommo has finally smoked the peace pipe with Macron. Yeah. I can still eat in the submarine. Yeah. Look, it's not something I actually agree with. I've always found the French completely lovely. And I'm not just saying that because my new neighbours are French and they can hear me doing this podcast. But they are.

But there is a sort of stereotype about the haughty waiter who, you know, sticks his nose up to any, you know, Philistine Englishmen or Australians. And so it is, there's a couple of ironies about this. The other irony is that it was always the French who famously were using nuclear power in the Pacific, sort of blowing up atolls. So it is a sort of almost delicious irony. Casillet level delicious. Michelin Star. It's now nuclear energy that's come back to bite them. But I don't know about you.

I do have a huge soft spot for France. I'm also detecting just some genuine racism. I know racism against other white Western countries isn't as fashionable as some other types of racism, but it does still exist. I mean, remember after 9-11 and, like, the Lynch Siege Cafe, I think it was, there was the hashtag, I'll ride with you.

There's a lot of people wanted to communicate to Muslim. that, you know, not all white people sort of thing. So I've been doing all right with you to French, like, people. And where I live in Sydney, there are quite a lot of French people. There's more than they used to be, in La Perouse and Sanssouci, obviously very French names, big French communities there. So I've gone all Je Suis-Suite Charlie again. Like, remember that phrase.

Yeah, that's fun little phrase. No one's used that phrase. I think, well, unless you're a French cocaine dealer. No one's just sweet Charlie for a long time But I'm starting to bring it back So I'm proposing on the podcast today That we kind of do a reverse boycott You know like I think when they did bomb Miroa Atoll

Back in the 90s was it? 80s, I think yeah 80s, late 80s There was big boycott of anything delicious So I think ham was out, begets were out, all of that I'm proposing a reverse boycott To show the French that we do like them And that this is a SCOMO thing, it's not an Australia thing.

So I'm proposing we exclusively only use French products. Oh, nice. So I know it was Grand Final weekend, I think on Saturday. No sausage rolls or meat pies at my party. It was just duck liver patte, foie, wheels of cheese, because I think nothing says AFL grand final like a wheel of camember and duck on cheese. And you can forget your VB and your, you're, you're, you're, It's only champagne, surely.

Absolutely. Champagne. He's still in a tinny, but champagne in a tinny. It's a beautiful merging of our two cultures. I'm on board. Look, I think you're right. If we adopt more French values, just have some more affairs. More affairs, more Gitton, and more Cambert, I think we'll heal this thing.

Yeah. May we. D'Aucor. Viva le Republic. Femma le Bush. Thank you, Christopher. Merci. This episode is brought.

Brought to you by the villagers downstream from the cobalt mine. Their bravery and cavalier response to having their water supply willfully contaminated by toxic industrial runoff means that the electronics we use to listen to this podcast are even cheaper. How good's that? Hey, Gabby and Alexa, just before we go, Gabby, I know you hate picnics. Yes, I can't believe this has been brought up for a fifth time now on this podcast. I think we can change your mind because the Nistophiles government has just changed the rules so you can now drink in parks.

Wait, hold on, wait, that was illegal? Yeah, I've been doing that the whole time. You never had your drinks poured out? No, but I've just always had my drinks mixed in a water bottle. I just thought we did it for fun. I didn't realize people were doing that for my own safety. I think that's a privilege of affording see-through drinks. With Goon, you can always tell that it's not water.

And you can't really convince anyone that you drink your own piss either. It's just not going to go down well with the cops. But, yeah, okay, righto. But hold on, was that legal pre-COVID? It's only parks managed by an agency. I've never heard of with a really stupid name. Placemaking New South Wales. I bet if you Google what parks they own,

it'll be one park and it'll be whatever the actual park is at Parliament House, you know, that big piece of land out the front, and that'll be the park they own. It's all the pollies can get drunk. There's now 10 more parks where you can get smashed. So look, this is a good thing. If COVID drags on long enough, you just be able to have to drink anywhere.

That's what we're working towards. Have they done tests to see how spreadable COVID is when you're smashed? I feel like alcohol would disinfect to some extent. I feel like we should volunteer to perform those tests. Yeah. Please leave us say review on Apple Podcasts. We really appreciate it. It helps us make the podcast.

Our gear is from Road Microphones and we're part of the ACaster Creator Network. Catch you tomorrow. Bye.