The Chaser Report - Christian Porter Resigns in Honour! Again!

Episode Date: December 2, 2021

Alleged politician Christian Porter has resigned from parliament again, so the team take a look at what his respectable future might look might. Meanwhile, in celebration of National Disability Day, we have a very special interview with our writer John Delmenico, and it goes exactly as these interviews all should. Plus Lachlan's reality TV career hits and abrupt halt. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chase of Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report. It is Friday the 3rd of December 2021. Hello, Gabby Bolt. Hi, Dom Knight. Now, we've just been to the Australian Podcast Awards last night. Let's not talk about what happened, even though we could, because this is definitely recorded early on Friday.

Yeah. It's not like it's pre-recorded because we didn't want to. Not at all. We wanted to have a big night on Thursday. No, the reason I don't remember what happened is because I was too drunk. So instead we'll let that just sit for a while, and on Monday we'll talk about the awards and whether we won one. Yeah, let you guys think about it for a couple days.

Build the suspense. Also, it is Disability Day. We're going to talk about that in the main segment today. And in the outro, we're going to discuss Lachlan's heartbreak with a little thing we like to call Beauty in the gig. It's quite a sad story. Is he heartbroken already? Yeah.

I know they do their job incredibly well, but yeah. I mean, full credit to them for being good at what they do. First up, Gabby, we've got to talk about a gentleman by the name of Christian Porter. Oh, fuck again. Leaving politics. No, but he's out. He's fully out. I am so sad. Wow, I am crestfallen. How will I go on? Actually, it's true. Your crest seems to have fallen, Gabby. What the fuck does that mean?

I have absolutely no idea. First, I, Rebecca Diena, man I'm in the chaser in his room. It's going to be right after this. Health Minister Greg Hunt has announced his resignation from politics so he can catch up on his emails from pharmaceutical companies. The health minister said the emails are clearly the most important thing to him and it would be completely irresponsible to let anything get in the way. In a shock twist to political editors around the country, Christian Porter is now no longer tipped to be the future PM. This comes after Porter announced his retirement

in another humiliating loss for the ABC. A local boomer couple with two cars, three investment properties, generations of inheritance have remained extremely frugal by refusing to use their dryer. Local young people are excited to learn that if they start airing their avocados, they will be able to finally buy a house. That's the latest headlines from The Chaser Report. I'm Rebecca Deunamuno, and I'm still hung over from last night. So Gabby and Alexa, I don't want to upset you, but a lot of federal politicians have been

leaving this week. A lot of members of the government are on the way out. There's Greg Hunt, the health minister, he's stepping down. And given Omicron is imminent, I'm just wondering what he knows that we don't know. And also Christian Porter, the former attorney general, he announced he's not going to run again. He's completely out of there. Oh, we barely got to see him. No, he's gone. What happened? We can't give a definitive view on what happened, because a court never investigated it if I recall. He feels a bit hard done. others say, yeah, no, he wasn't really the victim in all this, but I don't really understand why he's leaving.

Stuck it out pretty long. There was no consequences for the whole, you know, allegation, wasn't it? No. No, because money means way more than a woman's worth. Didn't you know this? But the thing is, he is allowed to stay as an MP with the anonymous slush fund. It's the anonymous trolls the government doesn't like. A nasty comment on the internet, but you don't know who said it, that is just like call

Facebook to Parliament and ask some tough questions. I think that's a great move from the government because people can say anything on the internet. They could call politicians to all sorts of things and get away with it. So Christian Porter had to find a new job. I was just thinking he might want to go full time into his true passion,

which is self-defeating defamation suits that destroy his own career. Not the Batman we wanted, but the Batman we get. Imagine the Gotham that gets that Batman. What would his name, what would a superhero who does defamation lawsuits be called? Ratman.

Defo man. You know what? Maybe he'll cancel all the slush fund stuff out and he'll go into a non-for-profit charity for like other politicians. That's what he might do. He might start an even bigger slush fund. Yeah, like make a wish, but for rich people.

Because there's that fund that pays like media organizations defamation law bills when they get sued by politicians. So he might want to even the scale up. Yeah, counter-charity. He was quoted this week as saying, I have experienced perhaps more of the harshness of politics than most. And, you know, I reckon he's right. I reckon him and the one third of women who've been harassed while working at Parliament House

would completely see eye to eye on that issue. And then there's Alan Tudge who has stood aside from the ministry because he had an affair with a staffer and she claims that it was emotionally abusive. Oh, fuck. I just think, what if they actually like hired women to be ministers? What? Crazy. It's not going to work.

The Chaser Report. News you can't trust. So Alexer and Gabby, today is a very special day in the calendar. Oh, it's Disability Day. Oh, I love this day. It's very, very important. And so consequently, we're going to do what every other media organisation is going to do and talk to a real disabled person.

That's so inspiring. I know. Actually, it's lucky that one of our writers, John Delmonico is up from Canberra. John, get in here. Oh, it's a good. day for him. Hey, guys. Hey, welcome to the room.

Cool. What are we recording today? I'm so glad that you're up because, as you know, today's a special day. Oh, no. It's Disability Day. Woo! Congratulations. We see you, John.

We see you. We hear you. We love you. Did you hear that? It may be a podcast, but this is for you to be visible. So go. Oh, okay. So what are recording?

John, did you put this outfit together yourself this morning? What? Did you, like, it's wonderful. You look awesome. Did you put that outfit together yourself? I'm wearing jeans and a shirt. Is this a jab on my other clothes? John, we're here to say, good on you.

Good for you. Yay. Good for you. Is there anything you want to share with us about your? experience and just that some people are, I think that the term is differently abled. Oh, yes. Oh, yeah. That's the way.

I don't think of it as diss. Hey, yeah, don't dis, his ability. No. So just, we're all different. There's just a spectrum from normality to not quite as normal. And one day a year, we get to celebrate it here in the office. It's a pleasure. You guys know that I'm like a person, right?

What's going on? This is really weird. Why are you guys being weird? No, not weird. We're not. We're not. being... No, we're just...

Inclusive. You guys haven't been like this yesterday. Why is it different? What's happening? You know, John, I know it's your day, but that's pretty disrespectful. Why is Lockhees bringing in a wheelchair? You guys know I don't need a wheelchair, right? John, you're making it feel a little bit awkward for the rest of us, okay?

Yeah, can we just celebrate Disability Day without all of these, you know, obstacles? Yeah, I just don't want to have to feel guilty, you know? So could you just maybe be a bit supportive of our attempts to support you? All right. So, have you guys, like, read my short article, like, anything by disabled people recently? Oh, um. Yeah. Yeah. Are you know what I watched on the weekend?

What's Eating Gilbert Grape? Great movie for disability visibility. Tell me about it. Yeah, Leonhard of the Caprio really, really crushed whatever indescript disability he had. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Was it autism? Was it?

I don't know. I don't know. I mean, it's just. You just get Oscars, don't you? Inspiring. But Gabby and Alexa, we're doing all the talking. It's not about us. Oh, sorry, I forgot.

It's not about us. No. John, this is about you. What do you want to say? I'm very confused right now. I don't, what's happening? Can I leave? Confusion's normal.

You know, it's just a part of everyone's lives. And I want to say, I sometimes feel it too, probably not in the same way. You know, I'm an adult, right? John, how did you get to Sydney, by the way? Oh, I drove. Are you allowed? Drove? It's his day.

You can do what he wants. So, John, I just feel like we're giving you an opportunity to shine, and I'm just not seeing a lot of rays, right? Yeah. Spread your joy. Oh, I see. Can you educate us? I see what's going on here.

This is like those interviews that everyone else is doing, right, aren't they? Yeah, we have to do this. You guys know that this doesn't work, and we actually have to say with people who work in the office, right? You guys know that you guys don't. need to performatively be like, we've, we found a disabled person when we've already, like, got one in. I just ordered a all t-shirts that said, ally, fuck.

Shit. Like, we're one of the two places that have a disabled person talking about disabled issues. We're like one in ten, which for Australian media is, like, amazingly good. But how will I, how will I feel inspired? You know, it's not inspirational for us. I don't choose to be disabled, right? But that's what makes you so brave.

All right, I think we can't keep this going. That was very funny, getting it. Am I actually a cunt? I think I was just figured that out during this segment. Sorry, guys, we all suck. All right, so to clarify to the audience, this was my idea. Thank you. They just direct all abler's complaints to John Delminico at chaser.com.

To send them all directly to me. Or Charles. Actually, send them to Charles. editor at chaser.com or to, I'm assuming that they're going to do it, send it to Koshy at Channel 7. And we should just point out that John is an absolute workhorse of this company who does incredible stuff every single day. Yeah, he does like 10 times the work that we do. And frankly, you know, when I first got to know you, I wasn't aware of your disability. So, but now we can do special content.

So if you hide it from your employer, you can. can too stay employed in the Australian entertainment industry. Yeah, don't admit it ever. It's weird, though, because I'm straight white male and disabled. So I'm like a diverse version of a straight white male. How does that not, like, how is that not the thing that every network is jumping on? That's two quotas at once. John Delmenico is available for affirming interviews while being a straight white male like

everyone else. That's just reassuring to me, John. If you guys think that disabled people doing stuff is inspirational, wouldn't it be super inspirational if you, like, gave me a TV show, is all I'm saying. That would be inspirational. John, I just want to say on behalf of the Chaser, we appreciate you every day, whether it's a disability day or just a regular day. Dom, Tom, you know what, that's really brave.

And that's really inspirational for you to take that stance. And thanks for coming here to make me feel better about me, because that's what really matters here, I feel. The Chaser Report, more news, less often. So John and Gabby, let's get Lachlan in here because I don't know that our bright boy is in the best shape today. Locky. Locky.

Hi, guys. There's no spring in your step. So yesterday we heard that Locky had been talking to the producers of beauty and the geek about a role, potentially as beauty, potentially as the geek. We weren't sure. No, it was definitely as the geek. And you had an interview with them the following morning. By the way, did you get any text saying you should go on it?

Yeah, a huge shout out to actually all of the lovely, listeners who texted me to say that I should go with it. I blame you for the terrible mental state I'm in right now. Oh, Lachlan. I'm sure it wasn't that bad. And that one person who said you'll send me memes, you better do it. I'm sure you're geeky enough to go on the show, Locky. It's wrong.

Thanks, Geoff. No, look, I think we need to just turn off the sort of roast atmosphere. Let's actually just look after each other like, we're a human being. Shall we, Locky? Where was this in the visibility segment? They definitely didn't do that when I was on this interview. So I said yes to. having a quick interview for them to get to know me for casting purposes.

They also pointed out that the conversation that I was going to have with their casting director was completely confidential and that I'm not allowed to share any of the conversation that we had because it'll jeopardize my chances of getting on the show. Naturally, I'm telling all you of you about this now because I think I burned that bridge long ago. Whoopsie. But I get into the call and it's me in a Skype call with the casting agent and I'm sitting there in my chaser t-shirt, again, just dropping this subtle hint of who I am and what I do.

Was the beauty there on the call? No, there was no beauties. It was just me alone as the sad geek with the casting agent. Okay. And they started asking me these questions, like, who are you? What do you do? And I told them right away. I said, oh, I'm Loughlin.

I work for the chaser. And they asked, well, what do the chaser do? And I told them, we make fun of politicians and we also take the piss out of trashy TV shows. It's partly on them, but it's partly on us for not being as successful as we used to be. But also, if I was working at being the geek, such a renowned institution, I wouldn't think trashy TV show describes me. I'd be thinking more Walkley, kind of other stuff.

Well, so that was what was fascinating. So I'm sitting in this interview, and I realized from the get-go, they are trying to pry into how sad and how geeky and how lonely I am. We do that every day. No, so we do that, and it's just negging. but this was a person who I had never met who didn't know me and it was just sort of like what were some of the questions yeah like what are we talking so like I started off and they start asking like well what's your social life like what do you do on weekends and I answered all

of these questions completely genuinely you know I'm a big fan of Ben Robert Smith I've got a doctorate in Nazi history and I just told them all of like my actual answers and then they asked me a few of the dating life questions so they said how long have you been single for. Oh. Which is just a total, like, this is the thing. So they're asking me these questions. I'm taking the piss out of them, so that's fine.

But when you think about it, they're also asking people who genuinely want to get on TV. They're actually asking the other geeks, these questions too. Then it got a bit messy. So they told me that the whole point of this show, and they said in the original text, that this show is all about celebrating differences. Then they asked me, what's your geeky passion? What is your specific passion? They're trying to really find it.

Your stick. Does this kid? build Lego. Does this kid have an IT background? What is this person's geeky character trait? What are the things that we can make fun of? What did you tell them? So this, that was, I kind of just went, I'm not actually going to give them my time of day. So I started responding with my own questions and I wrote a few things that I thought it'd be fun to ask them. So I asked them, you know, because obviously the show, it's quite problematic. It's quite misogynistic inherently. It just enforces gender roles.

So I asked them what we're all really thinking, which is how dumb are the beauties? Yeah, they didn't like that. What they really didn't like was me prying on to the fact that the whole point of the show is, oh, ugly people deserve love too, which is pretty progressive for 50 years ago. Yeah, I suppose.

And they really didn't like getting called out on it. You know who they should hit up? PT Barnum. I reckon he'd have a great time on Beauty and the Geek. Maybe the hot girl can overlook the geek's geekiness Oh my God, she's all that. Somebody play Kiss Me by Sixpins None the Richer as he walks down the stairs. And it just, like, it just annoyed me so much.

It was just finding out, like, how in denial they are about what this show is perpetuating. And so one of the most munted things that they asked me, when they're trying to find out how geeky you are, they ask me, do you like nightclubs? What? And I said, oh, you know, not really, no. Oh, well, you know, do you dance? What?

Have you got a hilariously awkward dance we can film? Guess what they asked next? They didn't. They did. They said, can you dance for me on camera? Lachlan, never for free. No, no, no. Never for free.

So they put five bucks in my jester. How fucked is that? They were full dance, monkey dance. So like, it's literally them just going like, oh, we're going to grab someone who is already socially awkward, who's already a bit down on his luck, and we are going to make them dance monkey dance on my TV. I mean, we all love.

Napoleon Dynamite. Don't get me wrong. But yeah, that's in real, in real life, that's really horrible. This is what I learned is that these reality TV shows are as fake and manipulative and evil as we all thought. It was this huge sort of expose for me. I thought I'd then start asking them a few of the more funny questions. So I tried bartering with them. The price, the cash prize is $100,000. I thought we could up that a little. So, so I asked, you know, how about we make it 200K? Oh my God. One, 150K? Eddie McGuire is giving out a million dollars every single episode of Hot Seat Millionaire. Surely we can make it a tiny bit more.

They didn't like that. The killer was, the part where I blew all my cover was when I asked them at the end of the interview, on a scale of Karl Stefanovic to the cast of Love Island to a current affair down the bottom, how trashy will I have to look on TV? Well, look, are you sure you blew this interview though? Because you are a white guy. This is Channel 9. Yeah.

They love that there. Carl Stephanovic is their diversity higher, according to Carl Stephanobie. Yeah. You might be top of the list. You know what, Lachlan. You might not make it on beauty in the gig, but the today's show will love you. Well, this is the thing, was then, after I already thought I'd blown my cover, they asked me, they said, literally, do you want to be on the show? And I told them, yes, 100% I want to be on this show.

And then they said, again, do you actually want to be on the show? And admittedly, this is where I started to feel guilt. and I started to actually I just honestly said to them no no I don't want to go on this show and then they guilt tripped me oh what a geeky thing to do Lockland

yeah how dare I try and hold onto my dignity and then they dragged me they told me like I'm not even part of this show why are you wasting my time I'm not actually the enemy that's the post production guys you want to look to all I do is pick out geeky guys and hire them I'm not doing anything wrong

I just find the human sacrifices and tie them to the stack Yeah, I'm not the one who's sacrificing them. So they guilted me for wasting their time, and I felt really genuinely bad, and I actually apologize to them. Oh, Lockland. I know.

And then I hung up, and I remembered that they called me onto a show to be a geek. They asked me how single I was. They asked me when my last relationship ended. They asked me to dance on camera for them. For free! And then they guilted me. for wasting their time and making them embarrassed.

Oh, my God. But also, they were getting fucking paid to be there. You know what, Lachlan, I think this experience has toughened you up, and I think we just got to aim for Survivor. That's the one we've got to get you on. Let's get Locky on a reality TV show, guys. Yeah, trending. Locky on television.

If you want to tell me what TV shows to try it for next, my phone number is and always will be 0422, 0474. three, four. But also, if you want to date Lachlan for the podcast. Or even just not for the podcast, if you're wanting to date Lachlan, slide into his DMs. He's a good catch. I don't like where this is gone. But he won't dance for free. Oh, that's true. But of all the things that you've told us, Lachlan, I still think John's correct. I still think you're going to be on the show. Because you're an articulate white guy. I mean, you're Channel 9 gold. Look, if it doesn't work, there's always Channel 7.

As always, Gary is from Road Microphones We're part of the Acast Creative Network