The Chaser Report - Church of The Holy Chaser

Episode Date: November 25, 2021

In response to the brand new Religious Discrimination Bill, Dom suggests that The Chaser start a brand new church and reap all the benefits of becoming a religious institution. Meanwhile Aleksa takes a look at this year's entries for Word Of The Year which all up perfectly reflect 2021's lacklustre feeling, and Charles spins one last yarn in the final Fiction or Furphy. Plus the team take a look at your reviews for our podcast which accidentally creates a new one. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This episode of The Chaser Report is sponsored by incorrectly attributed quotes, or as Martin Luther King Jr. once said, I never fucked Wayne, I never fucked Drake, or my life man, fucks Sague. Good man that Martin Luther King. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is the Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to the Chaser Report for Friday the 26th November 2021. Alex Avulovich, Gabby Bolt and Dom Knight with you on a day when it's looking more and more like the religious freedom bill is going to get passed and people who are

religious will be allowed to say whatever they want about minorities or any other groups without getting sued. Hallelujah. Praise. Praise the Lord. So yesterday we talked about how refugee activists had to pay for defaming and today religious people don't have to worry about that anymore. I wonder if you're getting done for defamation, can you just now come out and

say you're Christian and get away with it? Well, this is my big idea, Gabby, to deal with this is that we talked about this before, but it's time to actually put it into place. Right. The chaser needs to be a church. We've tried this so many times. But why do we do that before this bill? Because, like, there are so many benefits to being a church.

Yeah. No tax. Free children. We can get a building cheap, I'd imagine. You know, an old church is the office. I can become a nun. You should become a nun. It's a great idea.

It's a cool outfit. And I love, Julie Andrews. So I'm thinking Church of the Holy tax-exempt chaser. And I was trying to think, because I remember back in the day when I was a kind of law nerd, we studied how Scientology managed to convince the Australian tax office that it was a religion. And you had to believe in something supernatural.

That was part of what it is. That's what a religion is? Yeah. Like for tax purposes, you've got to have something that isn't just, you can't just say we're a church. You've got to have a kooky belief, right? Oh, well, Charles is full of those. Yeah, so we could believe that what's the kiki belief going to be,

that the chase is going to make money someday? Pretty kooky. That Charles Firth is a visionary genius? That Charles Firth has a third nipple. Is that of long religious standpoints or is that just a belief I've been guaranteed too? I feel it's one of those things we need to have faith in. Like we can't ever see. I've seen his nipples before, so I don't think that works.

But maybe we could maybe we could believe wholeheartedly that when you defame somebody that some sort of religious magic happens, that that's how you share. the spirit. So if you defame, I don't know, a leading federal politician, then you're sharing the comedy supernatural spirit with them in some way. You're anointing them. You're like holy spirit activating them. Yeah. The holy defamation ghost comes to life in some, I don't know if the tax office is going to buy it. Wait, they bought Christianity. I think this one, this one will fly so much. Church of the Holy Tax Exempt Chaser. What will we do for rituals though? What we do? How about we we crucify Charles?

That's cookey enough to get us tax exemptions. Pretty cookey. That would work. And also, it'd get him out of a lot of difficult tax situations. Yeah, and I dead-ass think if you crucified that man, he wouldn't notice it was happening. I mean, he's a man who will do anything for publicity, too. He gave his phone number out on national TV. He'd probably go for it.

In today's episode, we have got, I'm very sad to say, today's the last installment of fictional furfee, where Charles spins his notes. Oh, it's real. I can't believe we've played this game like 10 times and the two of us still haven't grasped the concept. Charles is full of completely ridiculous stories about it's got another one for you today. We've got your reviews coming up. And later say we're going to be looking at the short list for Macquarie Dictionary's

words of the year. Oh, I'm on the edge of my seat. For that, let's check in with Beck in the Newsroom. Scott Morrison has defended the controversial religious discrimination bill by saying that the bill will help fight cancel culture by a. allowing contracts of employees to be cancelled if they are LGBTQ. The ARIA Awards left people around the country shocked after they announced they still exist.

Many people around the country were devastated by the announcement saying that not existing anymore was the clear favourite. Recent research shows that over 50% of Australian men have complained about feeling fatigued by discussions regarding gender inequality in the work. place, claiming that men are discriminated against more than women now. This whinging comes, despite the lazy shits, getting paid 15% more than the women are during the conversations.

That's the latest headlines from The Chaser Report. I'm Rebecca Dayunamuno. This episode of The Chaser Report is sponsored by incorrectly attributed quotes. Or, as Einstein once said, Where's the lamb sauce? It's fucking raw! I can't believe that in all the months we've been doing this daily podcast, the Macquarie Dictionary Word of the Year has not previously come up?

Yeah, it's a huge topic. The dictionary just keeps getting more and more relevant and more hip with the kids because they're constantly keeping up with all of our words, all of our quirky words. What's on the short list? Well, according to the word scientists of Macquarie Dictionary, these are the most popular new words in the English language. I want to see if anyone knows what they are, because apparently they're very common. Okay. Do you guys know what a brain tickler is?

Is that like when something, like, is it used in the same way when people say that scratches my brain nicely? Like when something is pleasing to the thought? Like a tongue tickler. No, the only thing I can think of is a COVID test going up the nostril. That's what it is. But I haven't heard that phrase. Never. I just figured it out from context.

I went way too fucking philanthropic. You know, it was literally someone trying to push a swab into your brain. Actually tickling the brain. Yeah, righto. A nasopharyngeal swab. It's for COVID-19 testing. There you go. Okay.

I can't believe that's not the nasopharyngeal is not the word. It's so easy to say. Yeah. What about brick bait? Not clickbait, but brick bait. Is that way like you put a groove in the ground for a, a brick layer, and the bricklayer goes, that looks like a pretty good spot to put some bricks. I've heard of a brickbats.

And there you go, brick bait. Why, people talk about coming for politicians with brickbats, but I haven't heard of a brick bait. Is that something like when you insult a tradie? I still think it's putting a nice little trudge in the ground there. So apparently, it's a strategy designed to encourage customers to shop at bricks and mortar stores rather than online. Oh. As by providing personalised services and plet and surroundings. Oh, is that like the whole buy from the bush?

It's like clickbait. It's a very, oh, no, that's not a real thing people say. No one says any of these things. All right. Oh, here's what this one's even worse. You guys know what a dignity suit is? What I wear to work every day. Isn't that what happened in the court this week?

Anyway, a dignity suit. Is it like opposite to birthday suit? Is it just a suit? Is it got something to do with Zoom meetings? No. A dignity suit. It's literally, I don't know why it came up this year. Is it where, like, you're wearing a mask that's not really a mask

that's not really your personality to meet other people? Is it like where you're like, I put it on my dignity suit before I introduce myself to this person? Is it what Charles puts on for live shows? No, it's, it's very, very literal. It's a jumpsuit with an elasticised waist and a zip at the back to prevent the wearer from undressing and it's used for people living with dementia or Alzheimer's.

Oh. Okay. Well, I mean, that's kind of nice, but that's a sweet thing to exist, but I'm not entirely sure why that's in contention. I'm getting my literal and figurative so sweet. swapped on these. This is probably the point at which I should reveal

that I was previously part of the committee that chose the Macquarie Dictionary Word of the Year in the previous year. Whoa, whoa, whoa. And you were overruled them every year. And I think fake news is what was chosen in the end. And that was the buzzword of the year. And everyone knew what it meant.

And so far, I don't see how any of these. None of the words here are. I mean, unless I've aged out of the committee, maybe I have. It could also be that we all stopped talking to each other this year. We did it every day, The fucking podcast. Oh, we did.

I stopped talking to my relatives. What I think the issue is, is like, why do they always have to be new words? Like, sometimes we just reuse old words that we didn't use that much before. You could just bring up cancelled. Yeah. Which is not a new word. No. That's true.

I thought the word communism would come back because, like, it's taken on heaps of meetings this year. It's like a... Dictator Dan. Yeah, dictator Dan or like a female James Bond is communism or when a cheese brand changes its name. You know, like, that's, but we can't have that because that word already exists in the dictionary, so we have to come up with a dignity suit. What's going to win is my question?

Are any of these, is there any of these that actually seem in any way likely to work? Well, that's the thing I just haven't heard of any of these words before. So, like, it's so hard to tell. Do you guys know what a dump cake is? I can come up with a definition. It sounds like, you're laughing, but it's absolutely not funny. It's a really boring word, but go on.

Dump cake. Come on. How can that be a boring thing? We've all baked those after we've got out. It's a cake, which is prepared by combining the ingredients directly in the cake tin or dish in which it is to be baked. How does that define 2020? Everyone was doing like artisanal baking. I hate that that's what that word got used for.

Oh, this one I think I've heard before. Amenti B, M-E-T-Y space B. M-T-B. Oh, you guys haven't heard this one. No. Here we go. Well, this is what this gets my vote. It sounds like an electronic artist.

I thought it would be very appropriate for this workplace. Does I know what it is? Menti B is a noun, colloquial, a breakdown in its mental health. Oh, I was going to say mental breakdown. Oh, wow. That really needed a fun term for it, didn't it? That makes them a lot less sad when you give them a fun little name. Yeah, that adds a jollity to completely losing it and having a terrible situation.

Great. Menti B. Thank you, lexicography. So there's still time for you guys. to vote on whichever of these obscure words for some reason you think is your favourite. Definitely dump cake. I mean, if I was part of the community this year,

I honestly would be like just none of the above shut it down. Justice for dump cake. I will only accept dump cake as the word of the year if they change the definition. Yeah, and in that case, pretty much 2021 has been a total dump cake. Dump cake!

This episode of The Chaser Report is sponsored by incorrectly attributed quotes. Or as Mother Teresa said, Why are there so many songs about rainbows And what's on the other side Good voice that mother Teresa It's time for our final installment of the game We call fiction or furthy

This is where Charles Firth tells a story And Xander and Alex I have to work out whether it is fiction completely made up None of it's true or Furthy It's mostly true, but just a little bit of exaggeration. All right. Now, I've got to say, the track record has been pretty good for Zander. He hasn't got one wrong yet, but Alex are pretty shocking.

I got one right. You did. I'm on an upwards trajectory. You're kicking goals. It's a trend. Zander's the champ at this point. I'll be predicting Charles's future soon. All right.

All right, Charles, time to crack one. Tell one. Okay, so this happened really recently. It was my birthday a few weeks ago, and I got given. four beautiful Rydell glasses. Do you know, do you know Rydell glasses? They're sort of, they're crystal glasses, but they're like tumblers so that you can just use them to drink water.

I've got one beside my bed type thing. But they're worth like hundreds of dollars, right? Like four of them, it must have cost at least three or four hundred bucks, right? And they're crystal, they're made in Germany, they're just beautiful glasses, right? Anyway, so immediately, you know, get it at 8 a.m., immediately take it out of the package, go to my bathroom, rinse it out, about to, you know, sip a glass of water, and, you know, the tap in my bathroom sort of bends over, and I just smash it against the tap, and it just shatters. So literally, within five seconds of having opened this thing, I'm one down. So I've got three glasses left, right? So second one, so I immediately head back to the bedroom and grab the second one from the box

and immediately drop it, and it drops not on my lovely carpet or my bed, but on my bedside table, which is made of glass, and it smashes as well. So literally, within, you know, two minutes of this gift, I've smashed at least $150 worth of glass. It is just a fucking nightmare. Okay. So then, so later that day, we're having a nice barbecue. And I put some wine in one of these glasses down and says,

head out to the pool area a kid, a fucking snotty-nosed kid from somewhere else in the apartment complex runs past me, clips my arm, smash, boom. I haven't even had a sip of red wine

from this class. And again, boom, another one's gone, right? And so I'm just thinking, well, I'm not going to use the last one. Like, these are cursed, this is a cursed gift, right? So I put put it away, put it into the cupboard, and that night I come downstairs and my son is drinking

a glass of water out of it, right? And I go, ah, you know, and he goes, ah, right? And he drops it. All right, what do we think? Fiction or Furfi? There's a big issue with this story here, right? Charles talks about four glasses and breaks all four of them. Yet at the start of the story, he says he's got one of these glasses sitting by the side of his bed right now. And Detects is a massive furthy or, you know. It could still be exaggerated or maybe the whole thing's made up. It's one of the, it doesn't completely rule it out. It's either got to be mostly true or completely untrue.

What do you think, Detective Xander? I think Charles has the glasses and he broke one and then he was like, you know, it'd be funny if I broke hundreds of dollars worth of glass. All right. Alexa? Well, personally, I'd be a little bit offended. it if it was true because, you know, we've been working out our finances here, and I had no idea that Charles just drinking out of crystal glasses next to his bed,

like not even for special occasions either. All right. Zanda says Fufi, Alexa says fiction, I think, on this one. Yeah. It is complete fiction. It is a completely untrue story. It also, as I was going along, I was thinking, actually, this doesn't even make sense because you're not allowed to sort of drink with friends, you know, at the moment.

in all the lockdown, especially a few weeks ago. Like, you're idiot. You're both idiots. It was clearly fiction. You don't bring expensive glasses to the pool. Yeah, but it's Charles. Alexa has this one right. Finally, the final story in Alexa nails it.

Well done, mate. All right, this has been fiction or furphy. Furphy, unbelievable. This episode of The Chase Report is sponsored by incorrectly attributed quotes. Or as Hulk Hogan once said. Grab a bucket and a mop for this wet-ass pussy. Give me everything you've got for this wet-ass pussy. Wrestling, it's a very wet sport.

As always on the Friday podcast, we're going to finish with your reviews through Apple Podcasts. It's a place where you can send reviews that we read out. And Gabby and Alexa, let's start with this one. Five stars, the worst podcast ever. Oh. This has to be the worst podcast I've ever listened to. Don't get me started on those afternoon editions.

Long, boring, uninteresting topics and guests. These additions are so boring, I'm forced to listen to them as I drive home from work in an attempt to find a sliver of entertainment. P.S. Gabby rules and so the rest of the interns. Honestly, long live the interns. Fuck yeah. I love that I've just become the unofficial leader. Wait, how do we, um, how do we capitalize on this? If this person's being forced to listen to it, can we do that to other people too? That would be good for ratings.

I just want to know what's forcing this person to listen because we could use that. Yeah. I mean, blackmail? Yeah. That review from Lucas MC14 was five-star. Strangely enough, just for Gabby, I'd be in. Fuck, yeah. And look, I mean, there are a lot of Gabby fans, but Alex said this is going to get genuinely awkward.

This is from Shahaha-ha-ha-ha. Love it, but dot-dot-five stars, if Gabby and Alex have started a spin-off podcast, I'd probably just listen to that. Oh, my God. I mean, that's illegal. We couldn't do that. I mean, you know.

We couldn't do that. I feel like third wheel here. We couldn't do that. Oh my God, Gabby. Do you reckon? No, that's stupid. That's silly. What would even talk about?

Like, several topics that we would prepare in advance. It's like in-depth political stuff, but also heaps of comedy. Yes, sketches, funny. You play, I play. We're not forcing you to be here. You could do a spin-off podcast if you wanted to. Or you could even do just your own podcast. He's being nice to us because he wants to get a spot on our new podcast.

I know, I can't wait. What are you going to call it? The Vulabolt Report. Bultavitch. The Boltevich report is actually very good. I can't believe we're making this. This is the last ever episode of The Chase Report. Thanks for listening.

Our gear is from Road Microphones. Do we have time to get in the podcast award nominations with our new podcast that we're definitely making? Yeah. All right, great. See you there. Competition. Our gear is from Road microphones and we're part of the ACAST creator network.

And ACAST, if you're listening, you've got a new podcast on your hands. Sure do. Can't wait to be sponsored. I'm out of a job.