The Chaser Report - Cleaning Is Going To Kill You

Episode Date: July 1, 2025

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The Chaser Report is recorded on Gatigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello, and welcome to The Chaser Report with Dom and Charles. Charles, what are we talking about today? You've got a big idea, I think. Well, it's very serious and just a bit of a trigger warning. It was a somber start from the podcast from you. I know that we normally joke about things, but this is a very serious topic.

and, you know, I don't want anyone laughing. What happened? It has been discovered after a 20-year survey in Norway that regularly cleaning your house leads to the loss of lung function. Right. Almost equivalent to smoking 20 cigarettes a day. Regularly cleaning your house. So regularly cleaning your house.

So regularly cleaning your house is essentially a death sentence. It's a health hazard. Yeah. So this is very serious stuff. And we're going to get into the implications of this after the ads. I'm as shocked as you. I look at the studio, I can see we're not much danger here. Yeah.

So, look, I suppose the first very surprising. aspect of this survey is, for some reason, this effect tends to be most prevalent in women. Oh. Right. I don't know how that happened. I don't know, maybe they're more reckless in their cleaning habits or something. But in some parts of the world, I remember I'm talking about this actually. Yeah.

In the prediction of terrible ideas, I was looking at cigarettes. And there's a major skew, particularly in Asia, which is the sort of world centre of smoking these days, or developing countries in general, that men are far more likely to smoke than women. Right. It was probably just rebalancing the effect. So the women are doing the cleaning and the men are doing the smoking.

That seems fair. So the thing is that this was done in households, right? And basically what they've found is that the effect is not caused by sort of industrial grade solvents or something like that. It's not like, I mean, I'm sure professional cleaners have a terrible lung function, right? But it's actually sprays, bleaches and fresh-scented sprays. Oh, it's the fresh-scented sprays are bad? That actually puts toxins directly into your lungs while you wipe the counters and things like that.

So every time you do a bit of spray and wipe or something like that. It's the sprays. And they need to update that song, don't they? Yeah. Had a call from Mr. Fryer and he's bringing around a buyer. Everyone knows that song, right? The Spray and wipe song. Spray and wipe.

And die. Yeah. Spray and wipes the thing. So the point is, Dom, I have put an immediate ban. Have you? On cleaning our house. Oh, that's very brave. For ever more.

Yeah, that's very bad. Because I kind of feel like, you know, it's not just for me. It's for, it's for my kids. It's for my family. Well, it's for gender equity, too, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You shouldn't expect your, your female partner, women in your life to suffer in a way that you won't. That's very fair.

I think that's great. Well, obviously, obviously, that's a society-wide thing. I pull my weight, Dom. Sure. Yeah, which makes me, which is why I'm so worried about my health. Oh, because you do your fair share. Yeah, exactly. Oh, that's very unwise.

No, it's terrible. Yeah, that's right. No, no, the patriarchy's had this sorted out for many, many years. But, um, but yeah, so chronic irritate, so the, the consequences of cleaning your house regularly include chronic irritation, which is true. So do you mean, do you mean of your lungs or just a fit personality? Yeah, I think it's just chronically irritated. I've also found that to be true when.

you don't clean up the house. Yes. Yeah, no, that's true. Airway obstruction and asthma risk. Well, actually, this is something I wanted to raise with you, Charles, because I don't want to get too personal to make it all about me, but let's. I mean, I have a pretty serious dust allergy, and the dust triggers my asthma. Oh, dear.

So which is the worst thing? Yes. Is it the asthma caused by the dust allergy? Yes. Or is the asthma caused by the cleaning? I guess what I'd say, Charles, is if I'm getting a. asthma in either case, I should choose the option with the least effort. That makes the most sense.

Yeah, I think that's right. You might as well. It seems rational. Just not clean the house. So, and it also includes, and so what they're saying is, these researchers are saying is that, so it's in most household cleaners, all these sorts of things. But actually, they're also not very necessary. Like if you make your own cleaners up, you know, you know how.

I don't know, like, when I was poor, I used to do it with baking soda and lemon. I had no idea whether it works, but it smells all right. And, like, it definitely works. I don't know whether it's good for anything. But it definitely works. Like, it's actually a remarkably good cleaning agent, but I don't know whether it also damages the countertops or whatever. But that sort of stuff works really fine, and it doesn't, you know, cause any lunging. damage, whereas if you buy the stuff from the shops, it's got all this extra stuff in it

to make it smell nice and sort of long last. Yeah, we don't need that. Yeah, and so anyway, point is, we're not getting 15 minutes out of this topic, are we? No, but that's all right, because we're saving lives. But Charles, the other thing is, isn't it, isn't it true? Like, I think it's dishwashing liquid. Isn't there some cleaner that you can use for absolutely just about everything? Because it's not a spray.

Oh, but I think the dishwasher powder is terrible. No, no, the liquid. Dishwashing, like washing up liquid. Dishwashing liquid is quite strong. Yeah. Well, maybe just use water. No, no, I swear. Lemon and baking soda works really well.

Or vinegar and baking soda? The white vinegar? We, like, whenever we have a stain in our bench top, That's what we use. We use baking soda. And then the kids think that we've been doing loads of Coke because it just says, yeah, it has all the sort of. Well, it says here, there's health benefits of lemon and baking soda as well.

Basic acidity, Charles. Yeah, because then at the end, when you're cleaning it up, you can just drink it as well. Is that right? So it's saying here, yeah, you can just use lemon juice and white vinegar, various things. Wow. So you're telling me the whole industry, kind of, there's a cleaning industrial complex. So this means, like, I think what we need is we need a government program and a government ad campaign, like a quick campaign for cleaning your house.

Quick cleaning. Oh, that's good. Because the thing is, it's as dangerous as a pack a day. Yeah. And yet there's no government intervention into this part of the thing. And I think it needs to be taxed. I think, you know, if you look at how we've gotten rid of tobacco, it's from, it's from high taxes or like it's a syntax and you know like and you know every time somebody says oh Charles you should clean the house I'm going to say no you make them pay for that yeah and you

go no that's that's a charge it's like making me smoke oh you know what we could do yeah and we run these ads where it's like if you if you clean your home you will die oh that's that's a good This is the lung of somebody who cleans their home. Yeah, yeah. Do you want to be that? Do you know what cleaning is doing to you? We're on a scare campaign. There is an issue here, which is that we do need our houses clean.

I do like a clean house. So one way to do that, I'm just thinking. Well, I think you just move every six months. Well, that's one option. Yeah, yeah. So one of the implications of this is that the moving out clean, they've got to end that. Oh, definitely. Yeah.

It's a, it's a violation of human. rights. That's right. So I had to do one of those. It's basically chemical warfitt. Yeah, yeah. It's disgusting to make it really good. But Charles, here's the thing, right.

What we need to do is convince the kids, you know, those kids who just, they smoke anyway, they're vaping anyway, whatever. Ah, yes. You get them instead of doing that, that sort of risky behavior. Yes. Much better to clean a house. You divert them. Yeah.

No more vaping, no more smoking. Forget doing that. If you're going to destroy your lungs, at least clean your, clean your bedroom. Maybe what would happen, that would happen naturally. Like, if you banned cleaning houses, would teenagers sneak out at lunchtime and go and clean their house? They would. Because it's like antisocial behavior. Well, you know, they'd gather at the mall and they'd clean the malls and they'd clean the malls.

Yeah, yeah. It'd be really bad. Yeah. I'm just wondering, Charles, does this also mean that we need to fundamentally rethink the way that humans live? Yes. I mean, I'm just thinking, for instance, um, I'm just wondering. Just spitballing here, right? Yeah.

For many, many millennia. Yeah. We humans have built houses with roofs. But what if, what if, for instance, every house, yes. Rather than having a roof, it was open to the elements. Yes. And you put a drain.

Good ventilation. No, you just put a drain. A drain. No roof, no ceiling. A bit of a drain in the floor. Yeah. So whenever it rains, it's like a shower. Mother nature's just basically washing your house.

Rinsing out your house. Yes. You'd have to get waterproof, like, TVs and appliances. Yeah, we can do that. Yeah, yeah. Toasters. You might sleep in it. When it's raining, you'd pitch a tent.

Yes. You'd sleep in the tent or something like that. Yes, a filthy tent. No, but the rain would clean the tent too. You'd just be inside the tent. No, but at the inside of the tent. I'd have to turn it inside out. You'd have to get a reversible.

Yeah, reversible tent, yeah. But it's a very good idea. I think why are we not letting Mother Nature clean us, the way Mother Nature clean us, the way Mother Nature clean the forest floor. Yes. Yeah, no, I tend to go. I mean, I think, like, it's sort of, we had germ theory.

Like, essentially. Gen theory ruined everything. Up until the sort of 19th century, yeah, people were just truly disgusting, right? And that's why everyone died in surgery and stuff like. They had no idea. And then somebody went, oh, you know, I've noticed that washing my hands actually has an effect on the mortality rate of the people that I've just, you know. Annoying observation, really.

Fixed, and then he was outcast. That surgeon was outcast for like 30 years. But isn't it also the case? You're an idiot. Turns out he was an idiot. But we've got so far in our modern cleanliness. Yes. That there's sort of hypersensitivity and there's asthma and, like, we aren't used to dealing

with dirt and with dirt and. Yeah, we've all got hypersensitive system. A death and infection and septicemia. Septicemia. So I think a bit more dirt. Yes. Don't clean it up. Well, come it inside the house.

Yes. Because I think there's a sort of social problem going on here, which is, you know, people walk into my house and they go, oh my God, it's incredibly horrible and messy and disgusting. Charles, you should definitely clean it up. To which I go, wow, you're really wanting to shorten my life. Yeah. Fuck you. But that's a social.

It's a social construct that I should live in a clean house, right? Like, I'm the oppressed one here. I'm the person who is being judged and we've got to change that social expectation around cleanliness, don't you think? I do. Just for health reasons. And there's another, so many important social expectations that we need to fight against. Like, this is the main one.

But this is the main one. to have a worthwhile point at its core. That's why I find that very impressive right now. Also, the idea that we very early in our contract agreed that every episode of the James Report would be at least 15 minutes in duration, which we're under no obligation to keep anymore. They're not selling ads, really. We're hoping people will pay to subscribe,

a case for which this podcast episode does not make a very strong argument, may I say. I still don't think we've explored it enough. Oh, my God. Yeah, okay, sure. I really thought that this topic would, you know, they had more avenues too. But I can see how... You've put the cat amongst the pigeons. Yeah, in a sense.

You've inverted society's norms. I'm sort of a bit like Martin Luther, nailing that. I'm so glad you stopped that sentence at Martin Luther and not Martin Luther King. The King would not have taken you to a good place. Yeah, Martin Luther. Martin Luther. The German theologian. sure.

Yeah, you know, nailing the 44 thesis or whatever it was, was it, was it 44? 95, whatever. It's a very long time since the thesis. But, you know, real iconoclast breaking down the expectations of, you know, the creed of the time, the Catholicism. Like, it's taking on the big issues. I remember that from when I was that saying, 95. And the expectation that you would clean your house regularly,

is one of those that's a big taboo for me to be taking on and in that culture that Martin Luther was fighting against I think that one of the things rules was you had to clean to get into heaven

and Martin Luther smashed that rule and in fact if your principle had been observed the 95 thesis would still be standing there on the gate of the church in Wittenberg or if it was because no one would have cleaned it up we still went out today

that's right yeah so so anyway Right, look, if, uh, look, so, so, do you want to get back to how this is an important feminist point? What's the practical outcome of this episode, Dom? Uh, that are the podcasts, Charles, are the podcasts at this point in the process?

Would have said, this one didn't work out. We're going to trash it and start again. But we're going to, we're letting it sit on the floor. We're putting this. It's like throwing your undies on the floor this episode. This is, this is an example of why, you know, it's really good to not clean up. And Loughlin, as a, we're going to instruct him now, we'll send him a text, don't do it it edit it at all.

Don't clean up any of the mistakes. Just do it, do it, you know, un- This is very, unfiltered. This is just, this is what it's like. This is, yeah. This is what life should be like, shouldn't that? The full, the full, gamut. Yeah, the full, um, you know, full blemished. Yes.

Yeah. Oh, the world is so packaged and wiped down and bleached and clean and able to be consumed without getting food poisoning. Yeah, I mean, Charles, this is such a reversal in how we're thinking. We're over 15 minutes now. This morning, I came into this shared space that we're in, and someone's complaining to me that another person who works here had left yogurt all over their office. Oh, yeah. And that someone had to clean it up, and it was really disgusting, they were saying. Yeah, look.

And to that, I say, that yogurt was a living thing. Yes. And had it been left alone, it would have continued to grow. Could have evolved. It would have developed further, more and more organisms, would have blossomed from that. Who are we, Charles, to judge? It might have become the next Einstein. It could have.

Yes. Who are we to say that we're a higher form of being than yogurt? Yes. It's speciesist. Yes. Yeah? Every time you wipe your bench top, think of the bacteria and the amoebas and the E. coli, you're cleaning up. Every time you wipe, your bench top, you're a bigot.

You're not just a bigot. You're a mass murderer. You're exterminating microorganisms. Ah, speciesist. Yeah. It's just disgusting. Well, no more. Yes, we're called disgusting because we don't clean up.

You clean up, and that's why you are disgusting. Charles, actually, it's just complete reversal. To take the podcast sort of analogy further with this, if we're not cleaning up this episode, Yeah. We shouldn't clean up any episode. We shouldn't have any editing. I think that's a very foolish idea. Lachlan, you fired.

I'm sorry. It's been a good, it's been good. But frankly, you cleaning up our massive mistakes and stumbles and stuff-ups. And defamation. It's in no one's interests except yours. I'm sorry. Yeah, no. Farewell.

You'll have to go and get a job as a cleaner except we're batting that as well. Well, I presume this is going to be the highest rated episode ever. Strike a blow. Clean no more. Should we mention which network we're from? No. They said we wouldn't get 15 minutes out of it, and they were right. My name is Ryan.

This is my best friend, Tony. And together we do the Tony and Ryan podcast, and people right across Canada, they listen to our show. Now, Stacey and Marley, you guys are sisters and pretty competitive. Can you tell us who listens more? Oh, it's definitely me. We will text each other through the day saying, hey, have you listened to the pod yet?

So it's something that even we talk about as sisters, what was talked about on the pod. So when you finish listening to this legendary podcast, check out us, Tony and Ryan.