The Chaser Report - Climate Target Malpractice

Episode Date: February 23, 2023

The environment minister has declared war on the environment. Meanwhile Charles concocts plans to sell his book from 2006. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence. This is the Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report. I'm Dom Nice. and I'm Charles Firth author of American hoax a book that was it did very well in 2006

but you bought too many copies of it didn't you Charles back in the day yeah I don't know why I ended up with so many copies I think you actually convinced me to buy them for the Chaser website which I was then running

and I thought it'd sell quite well and it sold well from your perspective because we paid you for them who's there really I think that's what it was sorry about that I was told that if I bought more I'd get a discount

and let's just say that if you go to Chasershop dot com, you'll find out that we're still got them. So help us not make a loss on those. We'll tell the story about how Charles had to move all these huge number of copies a bit later on. But we should start with something newsy, Charles. Yes.

So, Tanya plebiscic, the Environment Minister? Yeah, what, I mean, someone who really, we know, she's very committed to the environment. She really, it's a portfolio. People thought, you know, she was in education, is it a bit of a demotion? She said, no, look, this is the most important portfolio. There is. It's securing our future. Yes, that's right.

How's she going? I mean, how much of the environment has 10-year-Bes-Sex saved in almost a year since taking over the portfolio? She saved a few koalas the other day. But, yeah, she's just announced, she's just approved, actually, 116 new gas wells in Queensland. 10, yes, which is good, because if you think about it, gas is part of the environment. Like, it actually comes out of the ground. It's very, you know, it's part of... I understand it's called natural gas, so it must be natural.

Well, it naturally spirts out. If you dig it big enough hole, it just naturally spurtes out. It's a natural product. It's just part of the environment. I mean, humans are part of the environment. Coalas are, rainforests are. Burning fossil fuels. And so is gas.

Well, I mean, that just sounds like a nice thing. Yes. How does that, though, I'm just just a bit, falling here. Yeah. Weren't Labor's going to, if elected, have a more ambitious climate target, Charles. Was it? Yes, a target.

They were going to, they were going to, they were going to do more than the Morrison government by 2050 to reduce emissions. So how does the massive number of gas wells tally with our carbon emissions? Have they figured that out? Dom, Dom, Dom, Dom, Dom, Dom, Dom, Dom. They've got a more ambitious target. Oh. See, the key is the target is more ambitious.

Now, you know, how they get there, that's a completely different thing. Well, this reminds me of my experiments with the sport of archery where there were targets, but the notion of hitting the targets, that was never going to happen except by accident when I had the bow and arrow in my hands. I mean, I had the target of being incredibly tall and good looking. Do you remember we played darts at the pub and I didn't hit the term? I was terrible at that. So, yeah, it's just going to show.

In fact, Dom was so bad at electronic darts. Yeah, LaGDazs is really fun. The computer actually keeps the score. It's really useful. But the computer would get confused by how bad Dom was. So I just feel that there are targets, but did the Labor Party promise to hit the targets? Did they promise to get a bull's eye? Exactly.

There are a lot of, and look, you've got to look at it from Labor's perspective, right? You know, on the one hand, you've got the total destruction of the planet and, you know, the extinction of humanity. On the other hand, there are some key marginal seats in Queensland that you wouldn't want to lose the next election. Well, it's also worth noting. I mean, sure, the Greens are going on about it. The Greens are up in arms, I can see. But what else are they going to do? They're not going to vote with the Liberals.

I mean, the Teals are upset, too. Some of the Teals seem to be annoyed by the decision of the, I think Labor is selling. selling the environment short. But as against that, what else can they do? Absolutely nothing. So the only option is to side with the coalition, who presumably are also in favour of the gas wells and if anything would have wanted more.

Yeah. I mean, the good news is maybe, I mean, the real trick that Labor Party has done with this is the 116 gas wells are going to be done by Santos, which famously doesn't pay tax. So if you're going, oh, well, you know, this is just a cash grab by the Labor Party for extra mining royalties. Right. The answer is, no, it's not.

So we won't make any. The Australians people won't make any money out of this. No. But Santos will. No. Yes, exactly. And it's not like, you know, we'll be, you might be saying, oh, well, it'll be like the West Australian scheme where, you know, you put aside a certain amount for local use. Yeah.

It's not. Like the royalties at Twiggy Forrest's paying to the Injibani people. The Pilbara, like those. Yes, yes, yes. Yeah, well, Charles, the thing is, look, we have to be realistic about this. We aren't at... Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute. I've just worked out, sorry, sorry, I've just worked out why it's all right.

Why is it all right? Oh, yeah, because it was just a bit boring. She did it quietly. Oh. She did it quietly. So whereas Morrison would have gone up there. With a lump of coal? With a lump of coal and, I don't know, smelt some cats.

He would have had a... He would have brought a burning gas torch into the parliament. There's some giant, like, you know, those giant flames of fire outside Crankasena? Morris would have had that inside the time. It would have got a tank of gas and smelt it. Inhaled it. No, no, she just did it quietly overnight. That's the way to do it.

Yeah, and that's much more environmental because you don't get the whole press releases. Until they, gas comes online, then it will be incredibly bright. But, Charles, look, I've got to explain something to you, though, because I think you've got to say it from the perspective of where we really are. Like, we all want a zero emissions economy. We all want to have a clean, green future of the sort that Anthony Armadese talked about. But you have to understand we're in transition. We can't just go boom.

Yes. Boom, like we're just running off batteries and solar power now. We need fossil fuels in the interim just for a brief period during the transition, which is why it's so sensible. The TENI of Libasek authorized all these wells until the year. 2077, at which point we might almost have decarbonised. Yeah, well, and the good thing is that in the meantime, there's no need to transition because we've got all these guesswells.

Well, the other thing is, I presume the Plybysak won't be alive in 2027, so it's not going to matter to her so much, is it? The thing that I like, Charles, is that if you go back to the archives, we're doing this podcast for quite a long time, when Labor got elected, our first question was how long till they disappoint us. Disappoint us. We'll mark this date late February 23. I know what I'm talking about?

I've been disappointed for months. It's just the thing with Labor and indeed any new government is it's just important not to have any expectations at them. Yes, yes. It just saves time. It just saves time. And look, if the Greens were to somehow seize power off the back of this, I am fully confident that they would be equally brilliant

at letting down all the people. principles they got. Yeah, imagine Adam Bant buying his seventh property to negative gear. The thing is this, it isn't having that big an impact on the planet. I mean, people are alarmist about this stuff. I mean, let's just choose a random example I saw in the news today. Yes. Over in Venice.

Have you ever been to Venice? Beautiful place. Beautiful place. You know the famous canals of Venice. Yes. Just stunning waterways. Yes. You get in a gondola and someone sings as they've.

use a pole to ferry around. It's very nice. Except at the moment where there's drought. Can I show you this picture of this entirely dry canal in Venice? Because the drought is so extreme. There's just no water. But with the rising sea levels, there'll be lots of venuses. I don't think we have to worry about that.

Well, it would be a question. Yeah, well, it is sinking slowly into the sea. I think the whole of Glenelg in Adelaide will be. the Venice by 2050. Well, that's a very good point, Charles, is that eventually all of these wells that 10th Plymouth sex approved will just be eventually swamped underwater

by the rising sea levels that they themselves create. A form of poetic justice. What a wonderful world we live in. And that has been the heavy-handed sarcasm report. Yes, it has. Thank you for your patience. Your call is important.

Can't take being on hold anymore. FIS is 100% online, so you can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply. Details at FIS.ca. The Chaser Report, less news, less often. So I am absolutely exhausted this morning, Dom. Oh, really?

Because over the weekend, me and my 12-year-old son, you know, the one who doesn't think I'm funny anymore. So you've been spending the weekend trying to win his affection back in other ways, have you? Yes. I had a whole lot of books in this office that I had to move out of. Yep. A lot of them happen to be the remanded editions of my book American Hoax. Yes, I've seen that office.

There were a remarkable number of copies of your book American Hokes. And the thing I've found most impressive about all the copies was that it was two of different editions. the first edition and then the second so how were that you hadn't learned from the first one no and you somehow got a lot of stock at the second one as well so if anyone wants I mean I presume either of them are available

at chasershop.com well this is the thing so they weren't but I over the weekend have now decided to put them up on chaser shop.com what do you think is a fair price to pay I'll just give you a context this is a book that is very much

out of date like if you ever write a sort of tome that you want to be remembered for, probably don't write it about the sort of politics of the present based in 2006. We've both made this mistake. I wrote a dictionary specific to 2020, which I was warned people wouldn't buy it when we hit 2021, and that's exactly what happened. It's all about COVID, and actually a lot of the jokes still would hold today. Well, I mean, no one knew COVID would still be here in 2022, to be fair to me. But no, I reckon hoax, which I have read, did seem of its time, a time we're now well past.

Yeah, well, one of the, because the premise of the book I still quite like, which is that I set up all these characters. And it was in that period when people still trusted Wikipedia to be true and things are there, but it was also very easy to create fiction online. So I created all these characters and then put them out into the real world while I was living in America, right? So, and I

named all the characters after game show hosts, after Australian game show hosts and media personalities. So I had people like Dr. Edward McGuire and the poet character, the lesbian poet

character was Corinne Al-Grant. Right. It was an Iranian refugee. but um i think you'd get canceled for that these days there was also there was yeah she was deaf mutant blind and she actually won she this is the thing about the book it was remarkable like because people because my supposition was because i've never really understood poetry but my supposition about poetry was that it's more about the bio than the actual words on the page right and so i created this character which you're right it's terribly unsound which was a deaf Iranian refugee

and who just wrote about peace and she won like the New York Peace Prize for one of her pieces of poetry that I made up Well you might actually

be a good poet I was published in a book and Dr. Evan McGuire got a whole chapter in a book about freedom that anyway point is my son was packing up all these books

and he was in charge of packing up all the American hoaxes so he did a very large job And he just loved the fact that, you know, like my face is on the front cover. There is, in fact, your face on the cover about 20 times. It is, for a book that's ostensibly not about you, it's amazingly narcissistic. Oh, it's amazingly narcissistic. The dedication is to myself with frank admiration.

But anyway, he was very taken with it and encouraged me to sell it on Chase's shop. So I've put it up on sale, but I haven't decided on a price. Charles, what do you think the price should be? I mean, how much is your career worth, is my question. Yeah, don't, don't read it. And if you do read it, don't, don't report any, the poetry prize thing to any news outlets, because you will be massively cancelled. I don't know, what was it retailing for, 30 bucks initially?

Yeah, it would have been like 2795, I think, the second edition. So what's the deflation on that to him? Deflation. I mean, because how much is the postage going to cost? Inflation. Surely it should be worth more? If I'm about a joke full of specific topical references to 2006. It's like fine wine.

It's like fine wine. My words are like fine wine. Okay, so what are we thinking? Do you reckon people would buy it for $10? Because the other thing is, there's a few other things that we need to get rid of in the Chaser's shop. I don't think people would. I think people listen to this podcast at least have a chance of being interested in what you do. The avocado pool toy?

Is that still? We've got a few left of those. Why don't you do a combo? Give one of each thing away, and it's free. Look, here's three things I don't want. I'll buy them all. Why you're buying one thing you couldn't possibly want? Why don't we throw it a large in Flayor-Paul-Toy,

which has been scientifically proven to be not fun at all? And because we've got lots of chaser annuals as well left over. Also old topical material, but less old, The middle of the American homes That's how I do I attach it with Yes I sell it off With something that's far more good

Like the annual Yeah that's how I'll do A bundle it all up Yes But isn't your problem That postage will cost you Like Go ahead

First should be $15 Maybe I make it I'll tell you what I'll do I'll do the whole trick of Free Just have to pay Shipping and handling Oh that's a good idea

And the shipping and handling Can be 25 bucks People would assume it was a real price so that we just said it on the podcast. Yeah, well, I mean, log on a chastashershop.com and see what ridiculous price Charles has given his own work. But you have got a lot of copies. I mean, there must be, what, 70 or something?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, it's limited edition, only 70. Should we use the copies as insulation in our new podcast year? Because we're going to have to, we can't do this on your balcony forever. At some point the neighbors are going to complain. No, no, yeah, we've got to get the new. Well, do you reckon, see, I think my book is bound. with such ideas that it would be too bouncy a surface to podcast.

Either that or it will, our words will just sort of disappear into it, never to be heard of again, much like the book's content. It was a bestseller. It was enjoyable. I enjoyed reading it. Okay, well, there you go. I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll add value.

I'll sign. I'll sign all the copies. It's so sweet that you think that would add value. But Charles, if I remember the problem with it was, and it was, look, a fairly major one, you couldn't actually tell if you'd done the things for real or if you just made them up. I did do them.

That was the thing. Knowing you, I knew that you had done them for real. So just if you buy the book and read it, you need to understand that he's not making it up. Yeah. He actually did get them to do these things. Because you wrote them as if they were a real person. You didn't write,

you didn't write, I created this character who then went on to win this prize. You wrote it as though it was a fictional character. Did I? Yeah, for a memory. Oh, man, what a flaw. So, but, you know, in many ways, the hoax was on you. But, no, look, it's an interesting read.

If you just remember that it's all real. Buy it, if nothing else for the footnotes. That was the, I did a whole edit, which was just based on making the footnotes funny. And the chapter titles are pretty good as well. Charles, I'd never be anyone with such an enduring ability to enjoy their own work as you. And the thing that I'm about all the sort of pho nastism and dedication is it, it's not actually pho.

All right, there you go. So Charles's old book at chastashrop.com. I don't know if any of my old ones are there anymore either. I didn't have some at some point. Yeah, yeah. They sold very well. Well, the 20-Huinary Dictionary sold very well in 2020. Yeah.

That was the, it was a brief success. So, Dom, on this topical podcast today. The chance of that anyone's listening this far in the episode is minimal. We haven't talked. If you did listen, if you didn't talk about. If you haven't, if you listen this far. Because we haven't been getting people to put reviews on Apple Podcasts, which is very useful for us. So please go on Apple Podcasts and use the code word.

What's the code we're going to be? Something topical. Ten, your privacy, just approved 116 gas mines in Queensland. That trips off the tongue. Eternal disappointment. Let's just stop the episode and reflect a little bit, shall we? Our gears from Road, we're part of the Iconiclast network and the natural guess you're using, soon be approved

but 10 years, please be a sec. Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore? FIS is 100% online, so you can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply. Details at FIS.ca.