The Chaser Report - Clive Palmers in Hitler's Car Getting Covid

Episode Date: March 6, 2022

Everybody's favourite billboard-buying-billionaire has gone on another spending spree to buy a certain historical figure's car (allegedly). Aleksa has all the latest sports boycotting Russian teams and athletes. Plus the unorthodox new way we are marketing our latest line of mugs. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to another episode of The Chaser Report for Monday, the 7th of March. We are coming to you live from Ultimo, yeah. Woo-hoo! Definitely in Ultimo. We are Gabby Bolt, Charles Firth, Lachlan, Hodgson and John Delmenico. Hello. Hello.

Hi, which the whole fucking game. We're all bloody here. I feel like that old blue wiggle who never left. Oh, you're such an Anthony. As long as we don't all start wearing skin-tight skivies, I think we'll be fine. How was your weekend, Alexa? Why are you sleepy? Because I went to a Bucks, a three-day Bucks party from Friday or Sunday.

No, that's too long. It was ridiculous. It's such a bizarre tradition, like segregating the sexes and then having to... We had a topless waitress, which is so alienating. Because, like, you buy the drinks. you put them in the kitchen and then she ferries it from the kitchen to you in the other room and then you're all there with your friends and you're trying to have a conversation you're like do I include this woman in the in the jokes or is she

just there to be naked like that sounds like a riveting weekend did anyone else get up to anything slightly less misogynistic oh john how about you mate oh well I um I was once again on news.com that are you as in you're a you're a right for them or? Yeah, are they paying you? I wish they'll pay me. They clearly owe me money at this point. But for any fans who don't know what's going on,

this is now the third time that I've been embedded into an article on news.com. And when John says embedded, he means that he's tweeted something that they have then put on their website for all to see John's tweet. You know those highly journalistic articles where they just take a paragraph on different article, put it into one article, and then the rest of the articles just tweets,

they've stolen. Hey, not everyone knows how to use the copy-paste feature. It's a very difficult journalism. And also their readership is like over 70. These people can't use Twitter. This is their only access to Twitter. So they did that, but the way they do it means that if I change my profile, it shows up on the article as what I've changed. So once again, I've messed with them. The weird part about this time was after I spoke about this on the podcast, the second time I've done it, the news.com.com.com.com.com you, Twitter account blocked me. Oh, dear. So you can't do it anymore. So that's what confused me is that they blocked me from their main account. John, it's because your content is so compelling.

They had to unblocking it. Traditionally, what I do is I straight away change my name to fuck off Murdoch. But for the third time around, luckily this timed up with when I was given the task to advertise our other shots new fuck Murdoch mugs. So I thought the best place to start would be to change my profile picture to fuck Murdoch mugs. And then my top, my name to do you fuck Murdoch mugs on sale of the shop. I need it.

Wait, wait a second. We're selling mugs again? Yeah. Charles, what happened last time we sold mugs? I've been overruled. And they literally, I've told everyone this is a terrible idea. Charles has been very on the record, every meeting that there's been about these mugs saying that we should not do mugs again. All right.

So if you're listening and you want to buy a fuck Murdoch mug that will come pre-broken for you, you can go to what website? The shot. Dot store. Or news.com. Oh yeah, on the show. We've got a little story

about Clive Palmer who may or may not have purchased the car of the greatest dictator. The greatest. Ugh. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry. Clive Palmer is the greatest dictator of all time.

No, I meant like in largest, like, biggest dictator. Obviously, a bit of a give away, Alex. And we're also going to have a look at some Russian cats. Another victim of this senseless war. But all that coming up after the headlines with Rebecca Day Unamuno. Scott Morrison has selflessly volunteered to isolate as far away as possible from everyone in Australia after he tested positive for COVID.

The Prime Minister has said he luckily just happened to have some plane tickets on hand and will therefore be riding out the rest of. of his COVID illness on a Hawaiian beach. The government has today reiterated their belief that coal won't hurt anyone as half the country sits underwater and Europe is plunged into war over oil fields. The government insisted that despite the fact that an ocean literally caught on fire last year

because of oil mining, the real cause for all the climate-related problems was high school kids trying to change pronouns without getting expelled. Home Affairs Minister and MacDonald's mascot, Peter Dutton, has today pledged to stop the growing tide of boat people seeking asylum from New South Wales by threatening to deport them to Nauru.

The Navy has been instructed to tow all floating boats, cars and houses towards dry land in Papua New Guinea, where they will be kept in indefinite detention for millions of dollars a year. That's the latest news batch from the Chasers Fish and Chip Shop. I'm Rebecca DeU No. So, Lachlan, your favourite political party's been in the news a lot recently. Can you tell us what's been going on with United Australia Party? Favorite political party all the way.

Big fan. I've got all of their merch. I stole four billboards when they did their last election. Big fan. I have all of the apps as well. What the fuck? Yeah. For those of you who don't know, Clive Palmer, UAP's founder and Living Tim Thames commercial,

got COVID recently, which, you know, he's... Is that good or bad? No, no, so he got COVID because he's unvaccinated. Well, not because he's unvaccinated. He got COVID and he happens to be unvaccinated. And I'll let our listeners do the math there. But he recovered from COVID. So he's doing all right.

However, whilst he was in hospital, it looks like, and according to records from Border Force and transactions, it looks like Clive Palmer purchased a car from a guy named Adolf Hitler. What? Wait, is this from like the Adolf Hitler alive in Argentina? Or like, or just another car? No, no, so he didn't buy it from Adolf himself.

He bought it from a Russian oligarch as well. So during the middle of a Russian invasion of Ukraine and catching COVID, he decides to buy Hitler's car. Lachlan, I think this is fair enough, which is presumably, Russian oligarchs are looking to, you know, get rid of their assets. So it's a bit of a file sale going on. He probably bought it the low of the market. Like, he bought the dip.

I think that's a very shrewd investment. I didn't even realize it was an oligarch. I don't even realize it was an oligarch. In my head, I'm like, who currently owns Hitler's car? And it's like, so I'm like, you know, it's not doing it for me anymore. Like, it used to spark so much joy, but now I look at it and I'm thinking, I don't need this in my life. But you think maybe whoever owned it? didn't know it was Hitler's car

and just thought, what a shitbox! This old piece German shit but it costs so much to fucking replace everything because it's fucking imported from Germany. They're getting rid of it. You're getting Hitler's car as like the equivalent of my 99 Commodore. Just like a shitbox like somebody's

first car. Yeah, yeah. Who the fuck wants to make money off this? I think it's someone who's rich Russian and hiding from the media right now who is rich Russian and hiding from the media right now the mere cats from compare the market so my theory is that because they are in the car market

cheap car insurance yeah oh my god it's simples guys that's why the issue is there's one big problem with this story which is that despite the fact that we have all of these this evidence that looks like Clive Palmer has purchased Hitler's old car

As opposed to his new one, go on Apparently, according to a tweet that was put out by Clive Palmer's official Twitter account yesterday He did not buy Hitler's car And it is all fake news You know what happened? What happened? He put it out there that he bought Hitler's car

Because he thought that it would be a bit of a good look Like, just don't a lie, just a bit of public city And then everyone goes, oh, you bought Hitler's a bit of a good look. And then, you know, everyone goes, Oh, you bought Hitler's car. What a fuck with, right? And then he's backtracked on it. Like, that's what's happened.

That's my question. So do we think that he actually did buy Hitler's car, or is this all a grift? Because I think that Clive might be a media genius. Because what if he's actually just trying to prove to his voter base that, oh, oh, they're just trying to cancel me. They're all trying to cut down my freedoms. Oh, what's so bad about buying Hitler's car anyway? How dare the Worker Brigade cancel him? Hitler.

What's next? No, but wait, surely there are some, like, unbiased arbiters in the middle of this. Like, does, has Australian customs said anything about importing a vehicle like this? Customs did make an official statement, actually, because there was bi-partners, essentially, I think the National Party, the Labor Party, and the Liberal Party all put in requests about the fact that, like, there are laws around bringing in certain materials that are just overtly hateful. Poor car.

After the request, customs very quickly put out a statement saying that they're blocking They're blocking the transport of Hitler's car into Australia. I just realized what he's actually trying to do. We all know that Clive is a big fan of movies. He likes Titanic. He likes Jurassic Park. Yeah, I know exactly where you're going. The plot of Jurassic Park is they used old dinosaur DNA to clone dinosaurs.

Yes. Do you think there's any DNA on that car of Hitler's? Oh, 100%. Well, I don't know. Who knows? I'm assuming for the sake of our lawyers, I should say the word allegedly at some point. None of the medical advice contained in the Chaser report should legally be considered medical advice.

The Chaser Report. We've got some interesting news from the worldwide world of worldwide sports. So FIFA and UEFA have banned Russian teams from competing in international soccer games as a response for Russia's invasion of Ukraine. And it's a tough call to make because all these world-famous soccer teams like Spartak, Locomotiv, Zanit, Zska, all these teams that were synonymous with international football. You'll never hear them again. I think I heard that Hussein Bolt was actually going to start playing for Sartre at one point.

Oh, Dad. It's a sad day for Russian soccer players, but necessary sacrifice. Send a message to the leader of their country who's doing an awful war of regression. In the meantime, Newcastle United is owned by Mohammed bin Salman, who's the actual head of the state of a country that's been. Wait, Newcastle United, the A-League team? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here. No, no, no, no, sorry, sorry, sorry, no.

Newcastle United in the UK, Premier League. There's been a few Premier League teams, and the Premier League themselves have made a statement saying that they're going to very much consider dealing with all the owners and investors who have either Russian oligarchs or just Russian oligarchs who have shown support for Russia, that they're very much considering maybe doing something about it,

but not currently. If they get rid of every war criminal from the funding system of FIFA, I just don't think it's a viable company anymore. Like that is where all their money comes from. But good on them for making a stand. But honestly, I mean, I don't know much about soccer. I don't know about you guys.

Much less of a FIFA guy and a bit more of a FIFA guy. I don't know if you heard about it, but... Feefefefer. Feteracion International Fee lines. It's the international body of cat competitions has also weighed in, and Russian-bred cats are banned from international competitions. Sorry, Russian bred cats or Russian... What?

So Russian breeds of cat that have been bred in Russia and purchased by, I guess, cat competitors around the world, can't compete. So if you've got a Russian blue... Oh, they're so beautiful. Oh, yeah. But I mean, I think this is great news, not just as like an anti-war thing, but just, I'm sure these competitions are animal abuse. It's actually great. Like, all the Russian blues are like, fuck yeah, now I can just be a pet.

Like, is it so much better. I can roam free. My favorite thing about that story, because I saw it when it happened, was at first. And it seems like part of the issue was. The way the story broke was that at a cat competition in China, they hadn't made the decision yet. And they made the decision on the, like they made a decision there and blocked competitors who had shown. people who turn up with Russian cats. And then from there,

they put out an official statement saying that Russian breeds of cats are banned from competition around the world. And so, and there's a bunch of places that it's assumed that it was like satire or something. And so they were like, oh, Chinese state media is saying

that Russian breeds are cats are now banned. That, what a ridiculous premise. But I mean, if it's going to send a message to Putin, what I'm really waiting for is whatever the international dog body is, because he's much more.

of a dog person. He's definitely not a catman. I don't know. Maybe he's a bear guy. Like, maybe he's like, you know what? Enough of these domesticated, very handleable animals. You know what kind of show I want to see? Just bears.

Yes. Yes. Bear show. I think we should boycott horses. Just internationally, all horses? Yeah, all horses. Have you seen a photo of Putin with horses? He does it all the time. He loves a pony. Are those the photos where it seems that Putin's got a boycott on shirts?

I'm just a bit frustrated as a member of the shirtless community. I don't know what kind of gesture I'm meant to make. And I was actually honestly quite appalled at the bucks because we had a topless waitress and I was like, being like, what is she trying to say? Is she pro-Pooten? Like, what's going on here? Was it even a topless bar or was she...

It was an Airbnb where you paid for a Putin cosplaying woman to walk around, topless and give you drinks. Did you actually, did you invite her there? or did she invite herself there on her own? Yeah, she came to Donatify the party. Our gear and all our shirts are brought to you by road microphones. We're part of the ACAS creator network. Charles, you've been awfully quiet.

Yeah, yeah. Our paychecks have just coming. Yeah, yeah, I've been doing payroll. Have you been doing our paychecks over the course of this entire episode? I was wondering why Charles was so quiet. Yeah, I've been doing payroll. He's been doing payroll. I can't ever notice that mine is a couple dollars short, though.

Yeah, fuck off. Oh, okay. I mean, obviously, you can take that up with HR at the end of we treat all employee concerns. I will. All right. Thanks, Anthony. Have a good one. Thanks, Anthony.

You're such an Anthony. Fuck you all.