The Chaser Report - Comedians In Podcasts Hating Coffee

Episode Date: March 1, 2023

In this episode Charles leaves the podcast twice to fetch a visual prop, doesn't mention his topic for the episode until halfway through, and pitches a segment about pitching segments. If you did like this episode please leave a review with the phrase "I love Aldi coffee". Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gadigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is the Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to the Chaser Report. It's Dom Knight and... Charles Fur. That's right. Before we get into today's episode, just a bit of admin, we have put down the price of our subscriptions, not because Charles, we acknowledge that the previous price of 8, 9 a month was a bit much in this day and age of cost of living challenges, or because we didn't do enough

bonus episodes, as we'd said we would. No, no, it's just because we want more people to buy us a cup of coffee every month, $3.99 a month, it costs now. It was very much. It was a sort of, let's democratise this. This is such a good product. It's the people's podcast now. Yes.

It's sort of like the way Apple released the iPad and then put down the price of it a few months later. It's less than half, yeah, that's right. Even though it was the sort of top-selling product of all time. That's right. It was in no way a reflection of lack of demand. Look, to the people who've been subscribing, and there are some of you, thank you so much, your kind, cost, insensitive people. In that spirit, though, I should pass on some feedback we got from earlier in the week.

Just for you do, Charles, chaser.com.com.com.com.com.com. You can subscribe there via Apple Podcasts or via Acast Plus. Please do. It's less than a cup of coffee per month, and it makes me different to us. Or four cups of coffee from 7-Eleven. Yeah, you could, or you can just post us four cups of coffee from 7-11. That would be equally useful. I'm sure that's true. All right, you've got some feedback for us. We have to respond to our market.

Okay, so yeah, so the thing is, I don't know whether you remember. I think it was like on Monday. We did this thing about how 10 Niptivisic had, I'm sure as an accident, approved 116 new gas mines. The new gas mines, that's right. But I think the whole point is that for me, I think she just misinterpreted Minister for the Environment as Minister against the Environment. And it was just like an administrative error. I mean, what does four mean these days?

Well, exactly. Yeah, she's certainly minister for climate change, isn't she? She's doing everything she can to change the climate. Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. Have we heard from her office at all? No. So we're not quite at the level of influence where we will mention someone's name and they'll hear immediately that they're featured on the chase. Oh, no, I'm sure they're...

In some ways. They've gone to ground. They're quaking in their boots. The reason why we haven't heard from them is because they're avoiding it. They're Peritay brother style avoiding us. Yeah. Have we seen Tanya Plibersek in Saudi New South Wales recently? Yes, I believe she was at the parade on Saturday night.

Oh, okay. Anyway, so great to hear. So anyway, morning, Charles, long time podcast listener here. Oh, sorry, it was last Friday that we did that episode where you rightly ragged on Tanya Plivosec. You then also talked about the excess books and merch clogging your office. that you need to get rid of, right? And I thought it as well, maybe you guys should stop making so much useless junk and shipping it because there's a massive carbon footprint there too.

It's like you're polluting the world, much like the gas tenure loves so much. Well, Charles, isn't that just a smaller and more pathetic version of being, as I'm sure Tanja Plybysak is, broadly in favour of saving the place? Yes. And yet we were just, just as a cost of doing a business whereby you have to approve gas wells and or ship crap merchandise. I mean, to be fair, the giant avocado, let's be very clear about it, right?

It's inflatable. It ships in a small package, in a small inconvenient package, is it becomes a big inconvenient package wants to inflate it. Yes, and it's very inconvenient to inflate. So the whole way through, it's deeply inconvenient.

But, yeah, look, so I responded to this listener by saying, look, point taken, we're not going to do any more sort of crap merge. We're going to move into just, quality, thoughtful stuff. So does that mean, Charles, you are just completely without any evidence you can pull it off? Undertaking not to produce unpopular money-losing merchandise? Because what in your track record makes you think you'll be able to manage that?

Well, I think the way to do it is to not release any merch at all. Hey, that'd do it. Yeah, that would be 100% success rate then. I think that's true. But, no, look, but there is one caveat, a fairly large. heavy on that. Oh, yeah. As I said, look, okay, we'll stop doing the crap merge.

At the same time, it is true that, I don't know whether you remember, we released some Qantas. I know, the Qantas backpack. Merch, yeah. Like, this was months ago when Qantas was in the news of having such terrible baggy channel. Luckily, Qantas still has pretty bad baggy channel. And is in the news again for its billion dollar profit, right? But I don't know whether you know this, but most of those bags, like we got a small shipment

over them, but most of those bags got lost in the post, right? Was it because they were being transported via Qantas? Well, they were being trans... Yeah, well, I don't know. I think it was actually more Australia Post or something.

Of course. But the point is that I've been told that they'll turn up in mid-March. Seriously? Yes, honestly. And so, because they're lot... I don't know whether I've told this anecdote. It's an extraordinary anecdote, which is on the app, on the Australia Post

app, it sort of... tell you exactly where the box is. It's out at Macquarie Park and you ring Australia Post and you go, and you say, can I come and just get the box from you? No, no way. No one's allowed on our side. Right. And then you go, well, can you just, can you just ship me the box that's, you know, clearly

on the ab says it's at Macquarie Park? And they go, well, no, well, the only thing we can do as the phone consultants is to, ask the facility to do it. And two consultants have said to me now, no, no, no, we're aware of the issue. They've actually had meetings about your box, which is stuck there, but it's stuck in some bureaucratic Kafka-esque thing where it's, I don't know, it's sort of like it's shredinger's box where it exists yet does not exist at the same time. Isn't that an amazing symbol of where Australia Post is at in the modernisation and yet

in the fact that no one wants to really ship anything anymore other than you. At the same time, as they can tell you exactly where the product is, they're absolutely unable to do anything about it. Yes, that's right. They can completely diagnose the problem and in no way to solve it. And the funny thing is, this happened in the lead up to Christmas, and we said to them, well, we'll do basically anything to get that box from you before Christmas because that's when people buy things.

And they went, well, you can't even start the process of filing a complaint. for 90, until 90 days after it's been officially lost. And then I said, well, when did it start being lost? And they said, it's out of my car. It's like, oh, my God. It's so inferior. Anyway, so the point is promise no more crap merchandise, except when the Qantas bags do find it.

Because they're really good bags. I use them all the time. Like, they're actually not crab. But I am going to sell those. What happens when you fly on Qantas with one of those bags? Have you tried it? Well, because I don't know whether people know, but the bags are a Qantas logo with the Ars in it.

A-R-S-E. And then there's a little... I'll go and get one. Charles leaves the room. And frankly, with a spring in his step, he's actually running into his storage closet to get a Qantas Ar-R-S-E bag. He's now running back.

Is this the only one in existence? Is it the prototype? This is the only one I've got. Oh, it's a kangaroo pooing. So it's important to know that the kangaroo is pooing out the Southern Cross. Yeah. And then it says all my other bags have been lost by the airline, right? Of course.

And so the whole idea is you take this on your quadis flight, but you don't check any other luggage in. Oh, it's very small. And that's how you, no, no, it's convenient. It's not small. It's convenient. So, but the beauty of that is you've been completely overplayed by the universe because the bags that say, all my other bags have been lost. Have themselves been lost? Charles, you're a genius.

The Chaser Report, less news, more often. That's not what we're going to talk about on the show today. On the show today, I want to pitch to you, Dom, a new segment idea for this podcast. What's the new idea? And then the other thing we're going to talk about is we're going to talk about this whole cost of living crisis. Everyone says, well, you should just buy everything at Aldi. I love that you're getting into the cross-to-living crisis after 10 solid minutes on your merch. That's all right.

So we're going to also do that. I've got a few thoughts about some of the ALV products. Very good. But first of all, let's just get into this new segment idea, which is I think that we should have a segment every Thursday where we pitch ideas for new segments for the podcast. Oh, okay. And my idea for the first pitch is that we have a segment where we pitch ideas. Do we have to actually do the segments or do we just pitch ideas? Well, I think we pitch ideas.

I don't think we have to do them. Like, we definitely don't have to do them if they're a crap idea. Well, we're building out this new iconoclast podcast network and you'll see some more things coming up. The Shot podcast is already out there. Yes. Welcome to the Future's its own podcast. There'll be a whole bunch of other stuff coming too. And just before we started recording today, you said, oh, I should.

should bring back oddcasts. Yes, yes, the podcast about bad podcasts. That are we. Yes. So there's more podcasts coming from us in the future, but... But we, but... Odcast was a great segment. That was a good segment.

Yeah. So there were other things that featured on our radio show about three or four years ago. Yeah. But do you have any ideas for... Because I was thinking that that could also be, it could be a good idea to actually make us think broader about what this podcast should be. Or do you want to spin off another podcast for all of ideas about what a podcast could be? That's a great idea.

Yeah. But so do you have any ideas, good ideas? What are we missing on this podcast? Like, we sort of talk a bit about the news, which I think works. Well, I want to hear from us in other countries. I want to know who is the equivalent of the Chaser report in, I don't know, Pakistan or Ukraine or whatever it is. Can we get them on, or India, Singapore? Who are the people who are chatting about what the government's doing and making fun of them there?

Or are they all in jail? I'm not sure. We'll find out. We can find out. I think it's very flattering. towards us to say that we would be in jail in any country. Only in that country. Right.

Not here. I imagine Singapore, even this insipid level of commentary would attract the attention to the authorities. Oh, okay. So, yeah, okay, that's a good idea. So we had podcasts from around the world. Yeah, yeah. Global friends, yeah.

Okay, that's good. I'll top of my head, given that I didn't know this was going to be the podcast segment. Okay. I want to do a segment because what else do we not cover? See, I don't think we cover the youth Nearly enough Look, if you want to cover segments Of the addressable audience that we don't cover

Yes When women would be something to address No, we've got lots of women Some of my favourite people are... We used to have some amazing female colleagues But we'll have to get them back Well, they keep on being... That's right, they keep our transcending us, don't they?

Yeah, no. Yeah, I mean, with our greatest professional respect and credit But they do keep doing that. think we also need to have a segment about American politics. I feel like that should be, because we occasionally get David Smith on. Yeah, and then when Chaz has a podcast with him every week, that's 600 hours long. Yeah, yeah. But not comedic in nature.

There's a lot to say about American politics. Yeah, yeah, that'd be good. And we could just do, it should be something like just a review of the election ads of America or something like that. Or just a review of all the other election podcasts would be very sure. If you have any ideas, thought we should cover on the podcast. that we're not covering now, podcasts at chaser.com. Yeah.

Or just text Charles. It's right. Do anything else seems to do. Because I think the idea that I had to, which I can do next week, is I went out to a reptile expo on the weekend. Oh, we have never covered reptile expos before. And there is an massive market.

Like there were cues, like literally around the block to get into this reptile expo. And you just go, well, that's an address. market. You want to spin off a reptile-based chaser. No, no, no, not just like I think,

attract them to this podcast. Oh, to the Chaser report. And we have a little reptile content. A reptile segment each week where we talk about reptile-based comedy. Okay. Yeah, let's just make it more niche than it already is.

Australian politics wasn't niche enough. Let's do reptiles. Yeah. All right. Okay. So then the final thing that I just want to talk about today is Allie. Oh, we've gotten on something but people might actually relate to 15 minutes into the podcast.

Yeah. Allie, what are your thoughts on Alty? So this is the thing, Dom. I yesterday went to Aldi. And after doing lots of research, I decided to buy a kilogram of their very famous, very award-winning, single-origin coffee beans. Really?

Because for a kilo of roasted coffee beans, single origin from Brazil, It was just 1699, which is literally about a quarter the price that you would pay in any decent coffee shop for a kilo of beans. But Charles, just so you know, single origin means that all the beans have come from the one coffee plantation, right? They're off in the one place, they're all the same, basically. It doesn't in any way mean that they're going to be good. They might have gone to the crappiest plantation in the whole of Brazil that was, wanted to dump all of their beans on Audi at a cheap price.

But Dom, this got, it got Money Magazine's best supermarket coffee of the year award. All right. I'll get the packet. Just hold on. I'll get the packet. Charles has once again left the podcast to fetch a prop, which frankly,

could have gotten before the start of the podcast. How do you want it to? All right. He's bringing back a big bag of coffee. What's it called? It's called Lazio, Single Origin Beans, award-winning coffee. I don't actually know

which awards did they win because it's made from 0% Australian ingredients which suggests that it's good and it's part of the rainforest alliance which means that they've cut down a rainforest I think probably

and it's roasted in Melbourne using small batch production each roast is tended by hand by a close-knit team of award-winning roasters yes but Charles imagine the roaster in Melbourne like every single they must have found

the least competent roaster in Melbourne like every every roaster in Melbourne would want in their bearded sort of little hipster warehouse to work for something other than a big supermarket chain like these poor people

yes it's very barely roasted roasted beans it's even got flavour notes on the back medium roast toffee flavours bit as sweet cocoa milk chocolate there is all

fucking bullshit it is the fucking most horrible it's like drinking dirt but single origin dirt from one particular plantation in Brazil look I don't want to cast aspersions on the particular roasters in Melbourne

because what if they're amazing I can see here I've looked it up and it's won has won quite a lot of awards they've won six medals for this Lazio stuff is it just possible that you have terrible tasting coffee I don't think that's possible I think that a more likely scenario

is that they're a reward for, you know, by marketing firms for their success in marketing a piece of shit and making people buy it. It says on the back, if you're not entirely satisfied with this product, please return it to your nearest Audi store for a full refund or replacement. So you get your 16-99 back. It says it has all of the richness and character you'd expect to find in your favourite local cafe.

Now, with all due respect to Audi, none of their products Like, I don't go to Aldi to find all the quality I'd find from another retailer. I go there because it's cheap. No, no, adequate. But that's not true. Like, there's some products in Audi that are quite good. Like, we were saying dishwasher pellets are good. Dishwashy tablets.

I mean, things that it tastes like, does the coffee taste like soap? There you go. Their nappies are very good. Yes. But again, that's a close association with crap. Yes. I mean, Audi stuff, it's crappy, but it's cheap. That's to what they do.

Because their cheese is possibly the – their tasty cheese is possibly the worst cheese I've ever tasted. It's like not tasty. It's like eating – So you don't go to Audi for that. No, you don't. Go to Audi for the cheapest possible champagne that technically counts to champagne because they somehow would be to deal with the least prestigious champagne house technically in the champagne region. And I brought it to this very table on New Year's Eve, Charles, and it wasn't that bad.

It was drinkable. I mean, with all due respect to them, it's a great place. that, particularly when life's so expensive, it's, oh, yeah, look, it's not nearly as good, but it's traumatic, so it was cheap. Yes. That's okay. But I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what is good at Aldi. What's that?

I bought one last weekend, and I'm very pleased with it. It's, uh, their caravan covers. The caravan? I bought a caravan cover. Oh, wow. Now all I've got to do is buy a caravan. Well, that's always the way. But if, ever I buy a caravan, I'll have a really,

cheap cover from Aldi that I bought. Well, so Charles, of the 1699 that you spent on this coffee, how many dollars of value do you think you got out of it? Because 1699's about the cost of a bag of coffee, a quarter the size of that. That's right. I got no value out of it. I got very angry. And it took me, it took up about an hour of my time because I was trying to get the

grain size right to make it work. And it's just actually, I've come to the conclusion, it's just horrible. zero dollars. So instead of in any way just addressing the news or you just wanted to spend this podcast complaining about a $16.99 purchase, which frankly, you should have been foreworn for the fact that was from Aldi. Let me have a bit of a sniff of this copy. Why don't you have the rest of it?

No, it doesn't smell great. Our gear is from road. I can't believe this is the episode. We're part of the ACAST. No, no, we're part of the Iconicles network. I was going to ask for reviews for a while, but I think why don't you review one when we try it a little bit harder? We'll do that next time. Thank you for listening.